Thursday, June 28, 2007

Last night I had a Drinking Dream

I had a dream within a dream

I dreamed that I was lying in bed drinking red wine
I dreamed that I was Taking inventory
In my dream I thought well no-one will know am nearly four years sober
it wont matter, I'll just carry on as if it didnt happen
I have only had a few glasses
no need to tell anyone
I then drifted off to oblivion in my dream
I then woke up in my dream and realised what I had done
Fear, shame, fkinhell what do I do now

Momentarily we did-then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen-Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! P151

Then I REALLY woke up
in a sweat
checked all over the bed and around
no wine, no bottle, no glasses
no hangover

We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. p152

I still have the alcoholic mind
Thankfully it rears up in my sleep
I am completely powerless when I am asleep

Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! P59
"Its doing press ups in the corner
Flexing its muscles..."


Nowadays drinking dreams usually come for me
when I am really grateful really on it
almost verging on self righteous
arrogance of how great I am
at this recovery lark!!

For me, Drinking dreams are the disease fighting back.
A complete puncture of my ego
Am grateful for them

In early recovery they scared me
BUT even though I didnt like them
I was grateful for them cos they reminded me
where I had come from

I have let go of some pretty heavy stuff
and grown a little lighter in the last 7 days
and am work in progress
Am grateful of the dream
Am grateful for so much

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual
principles would solve all my problems P42

This am the most grateful for

page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Ok Stop reading, this is a private note to self
...did the gym again today, please no applause
it was a note to self, Just for today... I did something
I didnt want to do just for excersize ha ha


dAAve said...

Dreams ae only dreams - but they can also be good reminders.
Hit the gym, baby.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Did you know that on an enlightenment path, the LAST thing, (or 'obstacle' as they call it) to 'go' is Spiritual Pride. which is just another way of saying ego. I've had the very ? rare dreams like this. They REALLY do puncture the ego. VERY humbling. Like a step 1 moment. I see them as gifts from god, as it really helps me to reduce the size of my ego. It allows me to see my human vulnerability and fallibility in a way that I just do NOT get to see nearly so clearly in my day to day life. Yeah I make loads of mistakes and what have you, but I just don't see my basic humanity so clearly after being sober and 'alright' most of the time. so these moments are very helpful. don't start worrying about drinking. i really don't think that's the 'point' of them. what they REALLY communicate to me, is like a warning shot across the bows, as to the terrifying power of delusion and ego. It reminds me that I ought NEVER to be complacent about my spiritual path. That's just because I haven't had a drink for a LOT more time than most people I bump into at meetings, that there is still a TON of work to do. Actually I find AA meetings can tend to breed complacency in me, as when I go I feel as though I am very lucky to have the programme I have. Especially if I do chairs. Whatever. I am lucky to have the programme I do. But AA meetings don't really 'bust my ass'. Its not really a difficult thing. I find LIFE much more humbling than AA meetings. But perhaps I need to change the way I do meetings. Gawd knows.
Anyway, the upshot is, those dreams are good, because they sort of 'light a fire under your ass', even if only in an imagined context. So that's why I like them. Personally I like it when life makes me feel like this a bit more often, as its so easy to be lazy and habitual, and in a comfortable rut. Just take things for granted. I'm still so lazy!! Being comfortable makes it even easier to be lazy! I don't have an ounce of desperation, or desire to prove anything, so I pretty much have to haul my ass to everywhere. Work gym etc etc. Serenity turns you into a lazy bastard!!!! AAAAARRRRGGHH! Oh well. I have to go to the GYM now...

johno said...

Nope, I am not convinced that "serenity" turned you into a lazy bastard?!!