Thursday, June 03, 2010

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Step 1... Deep shame.. There is a solution

S'funny how i remember
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard

I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it

Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality

I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think

One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place

Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy

I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!

The thing about being a christian 
Is that i now believe 
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God

I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed 
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!! 
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!