Settling in on course & plumbing fixed

The course, well I think
Its ALLLLLL new
Well not its not all new
just knowledge presented in a different context
some new stuff though aswell

Oh yeh
as usual when embarking and embracing
change starting on a new Step, new job,
or letting go of an old behaviour,
sponsor, idea, partner
The Nightmare came SUNDAY
I had been watching out for it
and well gave up on it
and it came with a vengence
Nightmare Sunday night
EEEEEEEK it was a shocker
I have no idea
how my mind comes up with them
God please tone it down next time

Monday, after lecture
I slept SOOO soundly or did my brain just flake off?
I slept through alarm clocks
Infact sponsee woke me up with her early morning call!!

Yesterdays was easier, and I left lighter
So I am very happy
Lots to do this week
but manageable and attemptable
Its easy to see how complicated I could make it...
If I didnt listen and be guided by the lecturer

Day to day
Back in on Yoga
Back down the gym tonight
Turning up for work and working
(as opposed to think about course)

Plumbing... yes plumbing thats a story
Blocked pipes for a while
Plumber recommended some drain uinblocker
Plumbers merchant refused to sell it me
Cos "if I wasnt careful I would stain my furniture"!?
I still get resentment when I go into a plumbers merchant
and they talk to me like I dont know what a copper pipe is
or where my stop cock is and what a ball cock does
Dont they know who I am!? the arrogance of me yeh get down Johno
(I am a DIY enthusiast)
I didnt argue, just left after a few attempts to buy it
I just had to accept they didnt want to sell it me for my own good
Gods Angels and Kindness, comes in many forms

I went to B&Q saturday
and bought the same drain unblocker
off the shelf with no human aid
the instructions and warnings are on the box
clearly written

Resentment and defects aside
B&Q is MUST, its got everything I could want and need!
Its a 4th dimension
Its one of the few shops I can leave
WITHOUT getting a resentment
I love B&Q! its true!

Anyway, used it EXACTLY how it was said
nothing happened
put more in
nothing
and again
nothing
next morning again
nothing... still blocked
self will run riot
not willing to spend out on a plumber
determind to fix it on self will
and prayer

finally, gave up and let go
tried the plumber who was MIA all week...
his phone had been locked in on a job!

It is worth waiting for I promise...

So my AA plumber is sick
so i offer to take my key over to him
so he can come over sometime to fix it
yes, so i make a 5 hour round trip to take key
for my benefit, we have AA chat at same time
great company I have to say

I get home
Put the washer on just incase its fixed
even though am telling myself that
INSANITY is repeating the same thing over and over
and expecting a different result

Anyway, what happened was, the blockage had shifted
I ran a bath, it drained in RECORD time
what had occured ?
a bleeddin miracle!?

I was prepared to finally let go and hand it over
to a PLUMBER greater than myself
God knows how much that was gonna cost
and it fixed itself...
Itself and the drain unblocker.. and prayer of course!

I am grateful this is a win win win situation

why?

I got peace of mind, my plumbing is fixed
I dont get a very large plumbers bill
which means I got more money to spend on
very expensive uni books!

win win win

Have a good week all :)

I am happy and grateful
I am not immune,
I have fear around my course
inventory shows me the truth
A day at a time
follow the instructions
ask questions
keep it simple
be guided by the lecturer/s (power greater than)
just turn up to everything
attempt everything
do my best
right or wrong
nothing... NOTHING goes to waste!

Thank you God

Last night I had a Drinking Dream

I had a dream within a dream

I dreamed that I was lying in bed drinking red wine
I dreamed that I was Taking inventory
In my dream I thought well no-one will know am nearly four years sober
it wont matter, I'll just carry on as if it didnt happen
I have only had a few glasses
no need to tell anyone
I then drifted off to oblivion in my dream
I then woke up in my dream and realised what I had done
IT THEN BECAME A NIGHTMARE
Fear, shame, fkinhell what do I do now

Momentarily we did-then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen-Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! P151

Then I REALLY woke up
in a sweat
checked all over the bed and around
no wine, no bottle, no glasses
no hangover

We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. p152

I still have the alcoholic mind
Thankfully it rears up in my sleep
I am completely powerless when I am asleep

Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! P59
"Its doing press ups in the corner
Flexing its muscles..."

THERE ARE NO DAYS OFF!!

Nowadays drinking dreams usually come for me
when I am really grateful really on it
almost verging on self righteous
arrogance of how great I am
at this recovery lark!!

For me, Drinking dreams are the disease fighting back.
A complete puncture of my ego
Am grateful for them

In early recovery they scared me
BUT even though I didnt like them
I was grateful for them cos they reminded me
where I had come from
JUST IN CASE I HAD FORGOTTON

I have let go of some pretty heavy stuff
and grown a little lighter in the last 7 days
and am work in progress
Am grateful of the dream
Am grateful for so much

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual
principles would solve all my problems P42

This am the most grateful for

page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Ok Stop reading, this is a private note to self
...did the gym again today, please no applause
it was a note to self, Just for today... I did something
I didnt want to do just for excersize ha ha

Dear Mum

Bit sad this week
done some crying
thinking of mum
specifically she isnt here
to see my recent progress (in a few life areas)
all selfish self centred
self seeking reasons for wanting her here
bottom line approval seeking
dishonest

Yeh am easier on myself in reality than I sound
but I have to be honest

Losing a parent or anyone is big stuff
Grieving is an ongoing experience
as far as I can see there is no cure
for Mum, sometimes the knot is tight
and the crying, deep crying from within releases it
mostly nowadays its, almost invisible
it comes, it goes
Am grateful for the memories I have
yes there are some good ones & for those am grateful
sober memories

Also on a lighter note
would like to tell her have bought some new clothes
nice quality different stuff, tailored trousers
havent been interested in improving my wardrobe for years
didnt have much in common with mum before either...
would love to tell her I went shopping in M&S
checked out some great trousers last week, thought about them
went in again this week, tried on, still liked & bought them
they are NOT JEANS!!
I have stuff to go with already
Not a shopping fix
I have the money and the need
Can I afford it ? yes
Am I worth it ? yes
Ker..ching
So Mum if your on the big blogger in the sky
now you know
Love ya
xx

Ps told you it was all about me!!
self seeking
no mention of how are you mum ?
how are you enjoying it up there?
what have you been up to?
just me me me me me

Thank you God for giving me
the willingness to get the trousers
for me
cos i liked them
can afford them
I want them
and need them
they fit me
i wil wear them
and the ability to be honest & say
I know I look pretty damn fit in them aswell
without waiting for someone else to tell me

Its true, I found myself

Willing to go to any length ?

Yes

Taking this 12th step work a day at a time
it feels like the most natural thing to do
I have very little fear
my prides not big or small
Its all alright, feels ordinary really
Keeping it all very simple
Hour by hour
little expectation of self and other as possible
Letting God in on it all
keeping the channel open
paying attention
day/hour/minute at a time

Remembering my early experiences with my sponsors
Yeh I have already heard stuff I came out with,
said to me this week
and I am ALREADY coming out with stuff,
that each of my sponsors suggested to me in response OMG
Am grateful I paid attention, was willing, honest,
and openminded however limited!!
Had that gift of desperation
and was scared to death of going back

am grateful for the patience, pity and tolerence, tough love that
sponsors and the AA fellowship gave me
and continue to
Its true I am not special & different
And it has worked for me too
Thank you

Its official, step 12
Subconsciously, ie sleeping
Nightmares have started
I forgot about them until they started up again
Started working with a sponsee "Tuesday"
Nightmares 3 out of 4 nights since
Past experience shows
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Step 12 am on the journey from my head to my heart

My fear has lots of time to play around when am asleep
I am powerless over my mind when am asleep
oddly, getting slashed badly with a stanley blade
and having a gun held to my head and being shot
were both on my fears list
this was my nightmare last night
none of this I have experienced in real life

Then I woke up and it was Saturday
The sun was shining
Had that lay in
and had a fab day
Met up with sponsee
Am grateful
Now am tired

What does tonights have in store!!
its like having my very own internal Blockbuster Store
ha ha

Good night
love ya God

Analysis Paralysis v First things First

Whenever my sponsor tells me am analysing
My response is... well you did ask me how I am!!
I wouldnt have said if you hadnt asked
Thankfully it doesnt happen so much nowadays
(Usually when I have balked at inventory for a few days)

I posted not long ago
I have a tendency to blog instead of Step10 & pray
Even though the results of Step10 & prayer
Inventory, prayer and helping others is the X factor
Sharing my will and my life on a blog is not going to keep
me from alcoholic death or insanity

Taking Daily inventory
Prayer
Improving my conscious contact
and immersing my physical, mental self into step 9
Doing, not thinking

Last night I surrendered my will & my impatience over
Taken sponsors suggestion on trust re step 9
Had a nightmare in the night!!

Nightmares
Every single step, when i surrender to it
i mean every step, when i let go of predicting, manipulating
accept & just do, see what happens, keep it simple
I have a nightmares for little while

Nowadays I am grateful for them
For me its evidence I am in surrender mode
Honest, willing and openminded
For me I see it now as my UNconscious
processing the change, my mind still works even when I am asleep
Even if consciously I am doing the right things, prayer, inventory
to combat fear.... when I am asleep, I am powerless

This is a cunning baffling powerful illness
It absolutely does not want me to take this step
It knows its another step away from a drink
Not another step towards

Nightmares, unmanageability, physically sick
yeah I'll start the step when am feeling better!!!!!!!!!
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE?

I have, so am gonna crack on with step 9 regardless of how am
feeling, its a program of action.
Follow sponsors suggestions. Thats all!!

FIRST THINGS FIRST
I have to do this step
Step9 is "in line with" Gods will,
so I MUST exert every ounce of my will to do it
NOT blog.... If you catch me blogging,
ask me if am half way through my amends yet
Or just ignore my posts!!!!

Be ruthless, you have my permission
I want what you have
I did say I would go to any length
I still do & will

Let go Let God
God Bless
Johno

I had a dream

My heads in a spin, i am having to let go of possibly the biggest and most destructive old behaviour i have & its about killing me and my sponsor (imo) in the process.

I just got honest, in my own innocent demanding, childlike needy, give me more and more and more and more way, pissed my sponsor right off and my heads completely mashed up, i got shown the destruction & hurt that i can cause.

I dunno, this brainwashing .... well my brain needs washing is true for me

Its horrible that i leave this trail of worn out people along the way in my wreckage. i want this to stop NOW. But its not my in my time, its my HP's time.

So i dunno whats gonna happen next, get the sack ? lose my sponsor? drink again or do the steps and get my teeth off everybodies necks, God what have you got instore for me?

am i abusing this gift of AA ? STOP analysing. LEAVE IT THERE thats none of my business

Anyway they say pain is the touchstone of growth, i flippin hope so for both our sakes.

The dream on Monday night

I was lying in hospital with people around me, and the life support system has been turned off a while. There was this countdown going on, i was counting down the time I had left to turn the machine BACK ON. It was my choice if i did or did not, but if i got to Zero then its too late dead.
...... 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 at three i turned it back on.

Three is a significant number in my life today - read into that what you will

The steps restore me to sanity, i never had sanity before.