Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dear Mum

Bit sad this week
done some crying
thinking of mum
specifically she isnt here
to see my recent progress (in a few life areas)
all selfish self centred
self seeking reasons for wanting her here
bottom line approval seeking
dishonest

Yeh am easier on myself in reality than I sound
but I have to be honest

Losing a parent or anyone is big stuff
Grieving is an ongoing experience
as far as I can see there is no cure
for Mum, sometimes the knot is tight
and the crying, deep crying from within releases it
mostly nowadays its, almost invisible
it comes, it goes
Am grateful for the memories I have
yes there are some good ones & for those am grateful
sober memories

Also on a lighter note
would like to tell her have bought some new clothes
nice quality different stuff, tailored trousers
havent been interested in improving my wardrobe for years
didnt have much in common with mum before either...
would love to tell her I went shopping in M&S
checked out some great trousers last week, thought about them
went in again this week, tried on, still liked & bought them
they are NOT JEANS!!
I have stuff to go with already
Not a shopping fix
I have the money and the need
Can I afford it ? yes
Am I worth it ? yes
Ker..ching
So Mum if your on the big blogger in the sky
now you know
Love ya
xx

Ps told you it was all about me!!
self seeking
no mention of how are you mum ?
how are you enjoying it up there?
what have you been up to?
just me me me me me

Thank you God for giving me
the willingness to get the trousers
for me
cos i liked them
can afford them
I want them
and need them
they fit me
i wil wear them
and the ability to be honest & say
I know I look pretty damn fit in them aswell
without waiting for someone else to tell me

Its true, I found myself

3 comments:

My name is Shugrr and I'm an alcoholic. said...

woah....

that could have been my post, did you read my mind??

did you peek in my head??

hmmm, my Mum n yours are likely comparing notes, always called her "Mum", she was Canadian living in the states.

funny how things are all the same same same but different...

mememe, the same as me, the lump in my throat, the bittersweet achievements.

Just remember my friend: Mum knows.

johno said...

Its great to know my thoughts, feelings and actions are not unique. Someone has always felt, done it already, is feeling or doing it and or will do/be shortly. No longer alone.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

yeah. you know your mum does know. people are still 'there' after they ? pass. You can always chat to them when you feel like it. Like having a chat with your higher power but different. Its a nice thing to do for people in just the same way as if they were still around in person. we are all much more connected than we realise.