Honesty - to thine own self be true

Christmas day

Consistently

Confuses me

I am confused

Consistently

Christmas day

Drinking

Sober

Doing service

With family

With AA's

In meetings

Home alone

Without faith

With faith

feeling the christmas meaning

Not feeling the Christmas meaning

I have been celebrating

And understanding

The light of the world

Coming through advent

And feeling it

Yet today

I feel like the party is over

Anti climax

Christmas day

Is about service

It has been for a

Number of years now

Yet over the years

That picture of

Christmas day service

Has changed considerably

This year i feel a chapter

Closing and the next one

Is not yet in sight

It has always been

A feeling of

A waste of a day

For as long back as

I remember

in sobriety

a need to

Find something to do

Attitude of service

Today has confirmed it

Organised service

Something i can

Plug into

We

Self seeking ?

Yes i need to do service

Otherwise i

Reminisce about

A happy christmas

I dont remember

Having

Cant quite see the

Truth from the fiction

On that one

And dream of creating

A christmas for others

Which i could plug into

And actually help

Create the fellowship

I crave

Quality not quantity - Calling on humilty required

Why am i amazed?
Because i am so self centred :-)

Went to 3 meetings this weekend
I can kid myself and say
Because i wanted to
Or accept its because i needed to
And these days i try and 
Honour my needs rather than 
My wants

Answers to prayers 
Tell me
Go pitch a tent in my own 
Neighbourhood

Feel like change is afoot
Am ready
If its Gods will
It will be ok
So no point in fighting
Doesnt mean it will be easy

Spiritual is being the woman
I am meant to be
Letting God
Prune, mould, shape, grow me
Accepting i am mishapen
And need shaping up :-)

It did me so much good
To be around local people
Raw and recovering
People like me that didnt want
To sit in the meeting
But DID because we KNEW
We needed it
Its feeling like its time to
Work with new newcomers again
Those 3 meeting acted like
Stabilisers for me this weekend
A chance to rebalance
Its not about drinking... (for now)
Its about emotional sobriety
Not carrying resentments round
Clocking people round the heads
With them whilst i am working thru them
Write it pray it talk it then repeat :-)


I am full in all areas
Yet i know if its Gods will
He will make time appear
Easily if i let him
Difficult if i hang onto stuff !!

As Stuart used to say
No Steps
No change
No sober

Changing times
And being amazed
Is also a joy of humility
Being teacheable
Letting others show me
There is another way
A entirely different angle
To look at everything
Alone i may not be tall
Enough to see 
With others in recovery
 i get lifted up
Always!!

Grateful for
Prayer, meditation
Keeping my mouth shut
Not retaliating
Being willing to fit in
Not change it to fit me

Let go absolutely
No hanging onto the
Corner of the towel
Because i think i need it!!!
Self centredness 

Back to basics in challenging times
The old timers gave us the 3 legacies
God bless them
Recovery - use the tools - steps - use the principles
Unity- with others - fellowship
Service - pass it on - help others

Resentment is the number 1 offender. It destroys more alkys
Than anything else

Do not underestimate this
Do not mess around
Life is precious
Recovery is a gift
5% alkys make it
Feel blessed
X

In community, in fellowship

It's interesting watching
Stuff unfold at church
We have 20 year olds
On employment schemes
For 6 months
Non christiam
Infact one is jewish
The other no mention
they are so enthusiastic
And lovin it
We have given them opportuniyy
To develop our coffee shop
Vision
And make it happen
And it is before my very eyes
god is amazin
I hope if they develop it
Hiw they like it
In keeping with our tradition
They will attract their mates!!
It will be a place to hang :-)
Which is not the pub
Or sat at home on facebook :-)
Our church is amazin!!!
Loads going on
We are a loved up chch :-)

1st sermon draft in :-)
Waiting on feedback !!
I moved down here
No meetings accessible
Really understood grace
Was led to this church
Feel called to keep on
Feel like i found my people :-)

l you may say: "But I will not have the
benefit of contact with you who
wrote this book." We cannot be sure.
God will determine that,
so you must remember that your real
reliance is always upon Him.
He will show you how to create the
fellowship you crave p164

No meeting? Read a story in big book - connect with

Last night i made decision
To go home
Not home group
Had done responsible
Made others aware of
Posibility
Made sure, as i could be
My roles would be filled
This left me free to choose

Anylengths ?
Common sense prevails
Not bunking off
Not sloth
Not dishonesr
Not avoiding
They shut my station due to weather
London tube unreliable
Therefore i made way home
While i could
What this tell me?
I can delegate!? Let go of baton
I dont have to run show
I dont have anythng to prove
Our group is committed
We are there for each other
And the newcomer
None of us is in charge
Meeting went on inspite of
weather n me :-)

I was gutted to not go
There's times when i miss
My friday eve crew
And times when i dont!!
Yo grow to love your homegroup
Buddies, they are friends
I asked them to think of me
In few moments of silence

Also gutted cos i need a hair cut!!
I have photo taken sunday
And wanted it how i want it!!
No vanity in my defects!! :-)

Went home n read story from big book
My experience is reading a story outloud
Connects me with You
Everytime, sometimes i need to read
More than one
But it works
Everytime

Anyway anylengths
Going home not going to meeting
Going without haircut not giving into vanity
Making time at home to read big book story
Meditate on its relevance to me
Feel gratitude for AA

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Step 11 - Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

I "was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded"

since going through the steps
I have come to believe in a Loving God
who wants the best for me
which really turned things around

however living as a human
living in the world
not in a bubble/meetings/convent/own head
long term
I need more than a Spirit

I need a role model
which is where I let go of old ideas
let go of judgment
let go of self will
became openminded
and no longer afraid
of turning my life over
and my will
becoming part of
showing all of me
standing up
RECOVERY

I have a role model
and I am building a relationship
with Him
apparantly it can last forever
and I will never be let down

so I am giving Him ago
testing Him

Reading praying and in fellowship
having fun, playing guitar
beach antics
BBQs and bacon butties!
at the same time

its new
yet I need something
thats everlasting
and proven to help many
and there is no reason
why He shouldnt work for me aswell
as I am working for Him

where i found Him
bizarrely
on the edge of the world
in an on the edge church
worldwide known for social action
welcomes alkys and addicts
unceremoniously
SERVICE

my kind a Home
my kind of family
my kind of imperfect
loving friends
with a Loving God
as we understand him
Unity

Keep coming back
til it stops working :)

There's more going on than my eye can see...

Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...

and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still

neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship

God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful

I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!

I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!

On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences

Good and bad!! see

This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!

off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)

Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!

Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!

Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there

this weekend

I went to two meetings
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so

See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required

Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit

Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!

Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship

Today I feel at peace

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58 - Roar!

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? P52

This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...

Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!

AND

Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66

"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!

New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related

We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52

Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66

Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested

Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!

Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!

Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!

No longer alone.... In fellowship... We....Unity... Stick with the Winners...

Faith and Unity

The medical View of AA Page 569 Big Book 4th Edition
Dr Foster Kennedy, neurologist. "This organization of Alcoholics Anonymous calls on two of the greatest reservoirs known to man, religeon and that instinct for the association with one's fellows...the 'herd instinct'. I think our profession
must take appreciative cognizance of his great theraputic weapon. If we do not
do so, we shall stand convicted of emotional sterility and of having lost that faith that moves mountains, without which medicine can do little"





Found it on here

Thursday evenings will never be the same again...
House... followed by Greys Anatomy!!
Heaven..

And acceptance is the answer.....

God said
Give yourself a break
It is exactly the way its meant to be
I am human
Emotion, tears, acceptance, sadness, joy
all ok

Only a robot would not FEEL anything
I am human
accept it
Its not all about friends
theres other things I am feeling too
around this time of year
much as I would like to say I don't
I do feel, and its normal I hear

Regarding friendship
I have friends
who love me
who I love
care about me
who I care about
push me
let me push them
pull me
let me pull them
lift me
are lifted by me
lean on me
let me lean on them
trust me
I trust them

Unconditional Love
is being able to give aswell as receive
"All people will let me down"
but thats no excuse to not make friends
"Let me down" is beginning to feel like an innapropriate phrase
under the current changes
I dont feel let down
by anyone
in fact I feel
your experience, strength and hope and Love
I feel lifted up by compassion, empathy
understanding, I am not alone, special or different

so its progress for me that nowadays
I don't over ask of friends/fellows/colleagues/family?
yes it is
huge progress

God said
you lowered your expectations Johno
stopped putting people on pedestals
expectations lead to disappointment
when there are no expectations
there will be no disappointment
people do not always let you down

Yeh I see that now, I agree

another old idea I suppose to let go of
"people will always let me down"
hand it over to room 101

there you go, so theres some progress
isnt it Johno?

yes

and johno...
regarding making and maintaining friendships
don't stop
Get in there!
It gets better

:)

ps thank you for your comments & conversations
I feel loved, but not pitied
Gratitude shines today :)

A conversation with my sponsor about jesus
becoming a Christian, Christians generally
my progress and my fear around this subject
and around my mother at the moment
has opened me up abit more today
with colleagues about my mum, friends
with tears
hey! nobody drowned from over crying
or drowning in their own snot?

later the lyric "Let me inside you" came over me
I racked my brains to know what song it came from
and its this

Hymn to her
The Pretenders


God what ARE YOU trying to tell me?
make it clear?

Yeh I hear you!
You be my mother when everythings gone!

I listen to you and I want some more
I listen to you and I want some more

Somethings change some stay the same

Whatever, Jesus Christ I try so hard to be open
You aint in there yet
but I know if your meant to get in
you will
somehow
and its ok

But i wont do it just to people please
I will do anything for love
But I wont do that, oh no, I wont do that


Oh my God
Music, God you know the way to this womans heart!
you Bleeder
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water--if I get to hot--?
Will ya take me to places I've never known?
God just sat on the edge of his big chair
there swinging his legs smirking
and quietly said... i can do that

I have added to this post about 5 times now
in the last 3 hours
I hope its done...
but what do I know?

Jee

Step 3 - Letting Go and Letting God (of our own understanding) drive me

A friend of mine joined her church
become one with her God her Christ
I cannot do this
I dont feel it
she does
Christ has done something with her
and its wonderful
to see it
I see the love she feels
I feel Jesus through her
she bears witness
she is a channel

I usually steer clear of communion
But today I challenged my old idea around this thing
I ask myself what
the act of not taking communion would have meant?
self will
Isolation
arrogance
fear
an old idea that I cant do it
because I dont believe it...
the Jesus thing I mean
I prayed much and guess what
The minister covered every single
avenue I could have chosen
He made it very clear
that ANYONE could take communion
its all inclusive
Who am I to say that I am no-one?
Who am I to say I am an exclusion?
Do I know better?
No

I took communion for the first time
why?
I wanted to
In the fellowship of the spirit
Together an act of fellowship
At one with my friend
and Jesus
I am not sure
exactly what it is
but It felt right
my motives were right

Will I take communion again?
I dont know
I understand its meaning
and today
It felt the way to go

my friend
I love you
God loves you
Thank you for including me
in your special ceremony
I know You are in Loving hands

I dedicate this song to you
Its called Everything by Tim Hughes
I love it because
Its about handing over my will and life
thats every part of my life
every part of
all of me
over to my God of my own understanding
my creator
its lovely
Turn it up and enjoy



Hey! Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope the glory
You are everything
Be my everything

I love Jesus
even though I dont know him
it doesnt seem to matter
I see what He does in others
and its breathtaking

God thank you
The gift of sobriety
prolonges and enhances
it make us alive
awakens
Spiritual surgery
from the inside out
Glorious

Tears - Love - and a physical sign of letting go

I know not to stop the tears
when they come
seem to be doing alot lately

Letting go
of old ideas
acceptance
things change
I change
you change
we change
love

Good news when you get sober and well
the rocket to the 4th dimension
picks you up and takes you to the most amazing places
its true

Its an wonderful thing to
see someone lifted up from the depths
and rocketted off
its what we get sober for
and at the same time
I feel some kind of sadness
and at the same time
I feel so joyful
to hear yet another person
finding themself
their calling
where they fit

Letting someone in
and letting them go with love
lessons to be learnt
thoughts that come

God, why let do you suggest I let people in when I feel like this when they go?
Cos johno...
if you hadnt, just think of all the laughs
you would have missed out on!
making friends is Gods Will
isolating alone was not
You will be ok
you will continue to breathe
she isnt going anywhere
and i will be keeping an eye on her
ok?
ok?
ok
heres a tissue...now go to bed
ok

Its all like waves
come and go
ebb and flow
enjoy the moments
all of them
you have with anyone and everyone
its precious
and the memories you get to keep for free
are so damn worth it

God?
Yes Johno
The gift of friendship
This is a different love
its real
and its lovely
and its safe
and its like no other
and johno it DOESNT end
this kind of Love is forever

Now will you go to bed?
ok, nite God
sleep well

Gratitude meeting at Home Group - Chapter 11 A Vision for You

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I’m willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you. P152

Is my life stupid boring and glum? NO
Has my imagination been fired? YES
Can I get along without booze? YES
Did I find a sufficient substitute? God rocks!!

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." P152/3

Found many friends all kinds of them! Life long friends? Yes
You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties? Yeh I can agree with that

Have we become happy, respected, and useful once more? Yes I have
Have we risen out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? Risen up like angels

The age of miracles is till with us. Our own recovery proves that! P153

Just spent a good day with my Dad and his sig other
And it was pretty effortless
Inspite of being in crowds in town on a Saturday
they loved that bit aswell!!
It all went pretty swimmingly

I love miracles - Bring it on!!!

Page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Happy New Year

Happy new year

Have to say I have a good holiday
I have also learned alot
about humans
dishonesty
and the unnecessary competitive nature
of the female species

Much as I love my brother
I live in the same country as him
Looking forward going home
and back to my routine

I'm off to board a plane

Bye for now

and congrats to our Irish Friend the old timer
21 years of continuous sobriety
keep on keeping on

have fun y'all

Another year over

another good year
infact its been one of the best
exceptional

am away now to here
until Tuesday and then
back to the UK
so if i dont get on line
I will do some reflecting
on whats been happening this year

Have an excellent new years eve
however yoy spend it

Its really been great
getting back on the blog this year

You guys
inspire, encourage
love and tolerate
me

friends are wonderful

keep on, you are amazing!!

love ya's

...til we meet again

johno xx

Powerless over alcohol
But no longer sick!

Happy new year

Meet Rachael - go say hello

remember Rachael
who was knocked off her bike
she's really recovering

Her Dad and friend set up a blog

Rachaels Blog

all comments are moderated

pop by and say hello

Happy Friday

Johnny Cash

Rachael's improving

Great news! Well done! Good work all round!

So am I !!
Studying again
its starting to make sense
after a couple of hours on the phone

Its weird, my phone kept defaulting to a lecture
and I wanted to hear another...
the default was actually the one I needed to hear
there are no coincidences

More optimistic
new phones excellent
playing my guitar helps when the head says no
as does an hour on the phone with another student
do you think its this? no its this isnt it?
no its this! where does it say that? here
oh well it must be. But is it? does it mean
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH
assignment half done, well more than half
its starting to become clear
feedback for yoga done
packing on the way, well thrown in a corner!
ipod letting it go until next week or next year
test at work will do this week

and I was interested in someone
now I have gone soft on them
nothing instant please, I dont like fast stuff God
Easy does it but do it, yeh i'll give it ago
if you think its time!?
we are in AA time dont forget
so it will be next year...or maybe the one after
unless you think i can handle fast!
I have no freakin idea, I forgot how it works
Leave it with you Cupid
i'll just keep turning up and asking questions
and staying as honest as I can

God said nothing back by the way....

I need to pray again
Step 3 stuff really
let go let god
I havent been
I am neglecting my conscious contact
feeling ordinary and part of the human race
but with an awareness unlike
much of the human race
leads to complacency
cruising along
which will at somepoint lead to fear
or perhaps a drink!
Keeping on the firing life p102
God will keep me unharmed
if my motives are good
I trust and believe this

I try and am on the right path
most of the time