Friday, September 17, 2010

Do i bypass and return directly God who has all power?

i dont want to not feel like this
I want to feel what i feel
I dont want to lie
I want to be free
I dont want a rule or vow
Suppress my feeling
If i choose to adopt a vow
I must adapt my actions
Yet i do not want to not feel

I want to be able to love
Whenever if ever
Yet i do not want to lie
To my church my god
My fellows
I want to live in the truth

I want to accept the consequences
I want to be responsible
I want honesty
No fear or guilt
If it closes doors
Then i have faith
Others will open

My relationship with Jesus
Needs to be honest
He may not agree
I may not be accepted in heaven
Yet it doesnt stop me
Loving and working for him
It doesnt stop me from
Or does it?
Is it right to worship
A side of god who is not
Fully accepting of who i am?

Yet id give up the material
Do it for you
Yet for so long i have no physical
And i am at a point where
I would accept either
Yet would you accept me
In every way?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Head v Heart ..... Truth v lies .....The internal battle

I captured my feelings
last night after singing class
I feel no joy during it
just a chore
almost concrete inside...  
yet the resuts are evident... 
Singing lessons are working... 
Trust the process, 
keep turning up, 
give everything u got
dont compare and 
just keep on. 
I will not quit singing 
wind beneath my wings
even by the end of singing classes 
i havent broken through
High notes
i'll keep going til i have!!

These feelings are not 
new to me, the come up 
over and over
yet difference today is 
I carry on regardless 
of how loud they shout or 
how hard they crush me inside
 I refuse to stick label after label 
on human mental conditions
This too shall pass!! 

Also making friends
Being vulnerable
Writing songs that are personal
Putting them out there
Feeling raw
Feeling a sense of responsibility
Sharing this stuff
With none aa's
Other poets, songwriters
Finding others in recovery
Or on the spiritual path
Doing it, yet not in AA
Others walking the walk
Without a programe
Yet with a faith
And with issues
Vulnerability and strength
Finding friends who appreciate it
And dont run
Yet use it to move forward
And me...
Awesome stuff

So heres how i felt after
Singing class... My head drama

Feeling low
Feeling exhausted by the battle
The fight within
That goes on between my 
head and heart
Fighting i feel blocked
Blocked just above my heart
Which stops me going
Higher past a certain level
My voice is not free
The air channel is not free
Like cant get past
Breathe breathe
For so long listening to lies
If it dont shift now
I am afraid it'll always be there
Dont wanna waste no more time
So much more to do

She gives me suggestions
I cannot give eye contact
Such a Chore
Feeling nothing except some 
Strange anger
Like some child
I am listening
Yet cant / wont do as am told
Disappointed by this inner rebellion
Yet when i do
I sing loud and clear..
We heard it
I am paying for these classes
I am loving singing
Yet during class
Its like i feel childlike

Yet i want to run
I want to cry
Want to Leave the room
I want to stop
Yet to do so would
Be giving into the darkness
And the lies and misery it brings
Leaving me stuck in stuckness
Wondering whens it gonna end

Tonight i discussed with teacher
Past i have been always 
in the background
This is all new 
this foreground stuff
And i am terrified
Time is running out
Right now i feel very lonely
I feel at a point of where
The corners meet 
And i have to make a choice
A leap of faith
Bash through this
With yoga breath
Deep breathing from the core
I always wanted to breathe
Mine has for too many years been
Very shallow
Fear and anxious breathing
Yet i see feel and hear
The benefits of deep breathing
From my core
It drives it all
Cuts through the fear and anxiety

To run would be an insult 
to all this grace... 
Amazing grace i have been given...

Whatever happens
dont panic
Dont do it alone
Go to anylengtha
keep breathing 
keep turning up
dont quit before the miracle
Feeling grateful
Inspite of sadness
And joy