Saturday, December 27, 2008


have fun
get honest
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on

Monday, December 22, 2008

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness

You're altogether wonderful to me

Light of the world - Tim Hughes
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that You're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

I loved this song since I heard
it on Alpha nearly 3 years ago
it touched me
that God has been nothing but lovely
wonderful to me in the last 3 years
since I turned towards Him
and made considerable efforts to
be obedient
pray and do Gods will
no matter what

this year has been a challenge
I have had some amazing things
to do
and I have tried to follow
the calling
where my prayers have led me

Time to find some gratitude
at last...

I am grateful for
being sober for all this time
being healthy
sense of smell
that God is a living part of my life
that I am a living part in Gods life
the sunrises
the sea
this house
having been given a local community
being by the sea
being in the country
being able to walk
my bike
tears of joy
christmas lights
the stars
water hot and cold
a good heart
gratitude lists to help me get over myself

Sunday, December 21, 2008

and i went to a carol service

spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...

Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!

I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i

went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now

I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief

its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?

I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth

I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart

How long will

Be still and know that I am God


Be still and dont worry...

and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying

Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

We had our Christmas Party tonight at work

I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!

arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere

I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!

Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...

yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through

after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building

Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers

I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...

So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
and listening to the question
am I sure?

Are you?

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones

Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic

And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
the lazy one wotsit called?
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



i'm off to dust some skirting boards

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

yet wishing it were different

I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL

Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again

I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!

yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!

perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis

ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed

Monday, December 15, 2008

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong

is this for real? yes
in whose name?

faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
giving up
letting go

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

Sunday, December 07, 2008

this weekend

I went to two meetings
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so

See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required

Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit

Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!

Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship

Today I feel at peace

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow

And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I know that He will find me ...

Dougie Maclean - she will find me

Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me

sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near

I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me

Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on

Friday, November 28, 2008


enough now
time for some action
am I serious or not
I had to prove by action I was serious about recovery
action meant written work!
I have to prove I am serious about improving my conscious contact

If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

i have

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68

i will

somethings happened
a spiritual experience
somethings starting to feel
like its penetrating
where it needs to be
in my heart
its taking time
and willingness
and much pain
the battle inside me
is massive
and much turmoil
big storm
and I am being
tossed around
I feel a strength
a powerful hand of God
every time I get struck
from onside or another
the flimsy reed i imagined it was
is really all powerful
3 dimensional
4th dimensional even!
always is
i know
i feel
i love

you know I dont think I have cried
as much as I have this year
its exhausting
but must be necessary
or i would hold back
and resist!
I cant any more
it just comes
am powerless
crying most weeks
not every day
the truth
coming up left right and centre
too hard to keep track of

Last night I let go
today I changed
or is it really
today I came to accept
came to believe
what you already know to be true

ok i'm off to read
show willing

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Chris Cornell - I found him tonight...

Chris Cornell - You got to hide your love away (Beatles)

here's more

and more

Love the acoustic

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Heating somehow fixed itself!?

had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!

ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in

you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see

feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!

reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
pass it on..

as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder

For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises

Monday, November 24, 2008

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

I love You too

Friday, November 21, 2008

Motives - Perseverence - Obedience

Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27

Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will

Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85

I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over

I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say

I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven

giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness

God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!

Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!

I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people

Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power

well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway

Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required

God show me what you want me to do...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sometimes All I need is the air that I breathe...

If I could make a wish I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat no books to read
Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Peace came upon me and it breathes in me
Don't sleep silent angel don't you sleep

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

for fresh air
sea breeze
and tolerence
bright blue eyes
what I have
the air that I breathe

Monday, November 17, 2008

Let go and let God - Lighten up - step 3

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133
(bus 133 used to take me home
from London Bridge ;)

feeling better again
sense of humour resuming THANK FRIKKIN GOD FOR THAT!
fear gone!
I dont know what I dont know
and whilst I project
I am missing out on the present moment
which is actually very good
I am working with another
a winner! and he is showing me
how we can work together
I feel like I have some
clear direction at last at work
my primary purpose?
to be of maximum helpfulness
volunteer not victim

I am still lacking on working with
other alkies
I am not really sure what the impact on this is having
how would I know!
Misery is optional...
my recent miserableness
could be put down to my lack of prayer and regular inventory
and lots of self will and fear!
would working with newcomers have helped
of course!

We make our own misery
... last as long as we like
I guess I dragged it out longer than
I actually could have done
... or could I?!

Sober and with direction
and a semblence of peace

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The critical point - is merely a jumping of point - a turning point

its the point where I turn away
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life

2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!

I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it

Thursday, November 13, 2008

First Things First

Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose

Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98

I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane

I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could

I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble

My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!

I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me

First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term

How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide

U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!

Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!

Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them

that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you

Monday, November 10, 2008

The inventory was ours, not the other man´s - P67

Came across this
Witchcraft, witches and wicca
and much to my surprise
It all makes sense
and its not as weird as Imagined

And this Starhawk

and this Diggin it

took my own inventory over the weekend
and wrote out and prayed out
my resentments

Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man´s. p67

I came up with my response
a reasonable opinion
my side of the street
towards the unreasonablemess
I had listened to on Friday
without resentment
but with meaning
and I cried!
Somewhat a relief
It has forced me to make a decision
at work
I have realised that I have been
working in a kind of a bad marriage
and its not what I go to work for
or get paid to do
or need to continue in
and its time to stop and let go
with full knowledge
that the world will NOT stop turning
and I will continue to breathe
as will the rest of the floor

I have no idea what will happen
but what I do know is that
making this decision is the right one today
my heart has been unhappy in this area
with this person for a while now
its stopped working
time to let go and let god

ok i'm off to bed
rather early but I am knackered
working for the greater good is exhausting
but worth it

I'm no Superman - Scrubs

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Ego and Money - arrogance and greed

are these your drivers?
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!

and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing

God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster

Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form

We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty

More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on

Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride

Saturday, November 08, 2008


Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.


Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is

is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Restless Irritable Discontented? Go to a meeting!

I SHOULD know by now
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life

I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
Financial insecurity
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful

I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying

and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)

Golden Brown - Stranglers

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My conscience is telling me...

I need to go to a meeting
with the intention of being useful...

Give freely of what you have been given...

It doesnt say
reap the rewards
and then enjoy it all selfishly

It doesnt say
Having has a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps
we forget about the still suffering alky
because we are feeling well
all the promises have come true
you know how to work it now
in all you affairs
and know you make your own misery
when you dont
it doesnt say
forget about the newcomer

does it?


Repeat until you stop breathing

Monday, October 27, 2008

i've moved, I am moved!! - Firefly carry a light within

its been interesting
and I now have neighbouurs
who know my name
who knock on my door
who have helped me already
who have confronted me with a garden issue
who hold resentment about previous owner
and now possibly me!
anyway I have to confront an issue
take appropriate action
I have to remember other people are sick too...
other people dont like change either
and need extra patience and tolerence
though at the same time
I dont have to be a victim
nor aggressor
step 3 and prayer...

I cant believe
how friendly EVERYONE is...
people smile
even the cats smile
shops, street, station, on the beach
people say hello

and I still
have another day off!!
well if you can call it off

i've been out on my bike
down to the beach
my skin feels so smooth on my face
fresh air

I keep thinking I may have gone deaf
its so quiet
the field behind me is HUGE!

dealing with people
on the phone and face to face
takes effort paytience and tolerence
and courage

my Dad and his girlfriend
have really helped LOADS
not doing it alone
yeh I made decisions
but theyve had experience
over and over...
and she REALLY knows how to clean an OVEN!!
now thats priceless!
her telephone number is..... haha!

I am really glad they were here
and I am REALLY glad they have gone!!

ok first night tonight
on my own
its all feeling ok :)
very good in fact

and I am missing routine!
now thats a scary admission... haha

Grand Drive - Firefly
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of stickers on her wall
made to look like stars
and she'd sit and she'd wish upon them all
to the sound of passing cars

and every single day that passed
without a wish come in
she'd peel another star from off the wall
with every wish that came and went
her sky would grow more dim
until she sat in darkness all alone

carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of miles behind her now
the sun just coming in
she was keeping a promise to herself
searching the real thing

When she saw the stars that night
she couldnt believe her eyes
she felt like someone new...
she never thought they'd shine so bright
and then she realised that EVERY wish
she made had just come true...

Firefly carry a light within
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in

Dont quit before the miracle
The darkest hour is before the dawn
However dark it seems
Trust the steps
trust God
and go to any lengths
See the morning in..

Thank you God

Saturday, October 18, 2008

6 more sleeps....

then i move
boxing up all my stuff
I thought I had done loads already
seems to justr keep finding stuff!!
and very little rubbish
I have thrown loads away
over the last year or so!!
thank goodness

I have no idea
when I am going to study
I have no idea
I am just keeping going until
i need to sleep!!
eating and sleeping and praying
and boxing

Moral dilemm over
I have bought a new toilet seat
I will enjoy it
for the next few days...

you know I try and not
get excited about my dad
helping out
because its just so rare
but I felt like a turning point
when they offered
now he cut the days down by one today
I feel happy he's helping atall
kind of a miracle
although I cant deny my disappointment
that its so short
however from what he said today
they will come armed with
toolbox and rubber gloves
they will come again for a long weekend
when I next take some time off...
this is not something I normally do
take long weekends unless I go away
perhaps times are a changing
perhaps.. i dunno
ok, back to today
back to my boxes

3 friends have had babies this year
all gifts of recovery
its lovely

have a great rest of weekend
whatever you do

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Step Seven - broke my sulk! choice sulk or practice humility

I was reading step 7 in 12 x 12 last night
and realised I have been sulking
and blaming someone
for my financial insicurity
yes yes I have lots of justifyable reasons
why Its not fair
but the truth is
I am the miserable one and I am creating
and atmosphere because
of my attitude
I am in a situation where
I continue to continue sulking
OR have faith that Gods plan for me will
not club me to death at the beach
I have no idea
what He thinks or whats in store
but so far
he's been good to me
VERY good in fact brilliant

So by the time I re-read 12 x 12 step 7
this morning at 6.30am
to do a chair at early meeting...
getting up was not such a challenge this time
I already knew
practicing humility
and trusting that its all
really happening the way it should be
and its time that i let go of this
selfish, self seeking, selfcenteredness, sulking
and self will in predicting that
I know this thing is a DELIBERATE attempt
to sabotage my pleasure ... err know I dont know this
in fact I know the circumstances
and its not true, its a desperate measure taken by someone
which has nothing to do with me ATALL
so I should mind my own business
and get on with whats in front of me
my job is to be of maximum helpfulness
whether I think or not
so my sulk was broken
managed to go shopping before work
and get there on time
and feel good
today was a good day

Moving happening
taking steps
get things transferred on correct days
accepting not everything has to be done
on exactly that day
first things first!
phone broadband railfare tv licence
re direct mail and a couple of other things
the rest can wait abit longer...
Progress not perfection

Heres my moral dilemma for today...
I am moving in 10 days time
The hinge came loose on your toilet seat
a week ago
and even though I have "fixed" it
its not going to hold!
would you
a) buy a new one
b) tell her and offer to pay a contribution to a new one
and let her choose
c) leave the lid down with a "post-it" note on the underside
saying,sorry and becareful!
d) bodge it and not sit down on it for 10 days, say nothing
knowing its going to bug your conscience for the next 10 days
and make your life unmanageable...!

I will leave you with that one
while I remain
"impaled on the horns of a young dilemma"
Quote by Stephen Fry
a little longer

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's happening as its meant to be - and it feels ok - continue to continue

Turn up and do my job
the way I have alwasy done my job
it was acceptable 2 weeks ago
and I have been given no instructions
to change what I am doing
or that it needs changing
a rude comment spoken to me about me
in an attempt to justify
a change being forced upon someone else
is no reason for me to believe it
which proves that other people are sick too
thank goodness I have
step 10's
understand restraint of tongue and pen
and that prayer works!
continue to continue being myself
its enough
I feel a review is required
of my performance
and relationships
a frank discussion
see exactly whats happening
from their point of view
rather that simply from mine
thats what reviews are for!

Contracts should exchange tomorrow
and a moving date will be set
I have prayed like heaven on this
to make sure its Gods will not mine
and I have not heard otherwise
so I will continue to continue
inspite of work stuff (above)
I feel like this is separate
security or no security
is no reason not put fear above Gods Will
too long story to write here
and it wouldnt help
I just feel this strength that
its going to be ok, brilliant infact
and the recent events which are
continuing, would continue
even if I stayed where I am
so I am moving!
Seaside here WE come!
thats you and me
your ALL coming with me!
if you fancy it :)

yeh really happy
1 subject clear as mud
and I have no idea why I am doing it!
blind frikkin faith required or what!
the other 2 are continuing to continue
from last semester part 2's
and i am enjoying them :)


Dad having an op... fixable old man stuff YAY!!
Me - awaiting referal for physio
Me getting fatter... not enough excersize
sometimes feel like I am overdoing it
body and head starts shutting down

feeling ok, stronger than last Monday
being controlled by some strong
Class A meditation & prayer
series of serious nightmares while sleeping
random and frequent
rather like a series of short plays
so much change for my mind to process

Strong, with fear, strong, with fear, strong

Sense of Humour
Still present, With delay at times
sometimes refusing to come out
sometimes humour needs to be obvious or i dont get it
at times mine can verge on sarcasm.. needs watching

is there anything wrong?
doesnt look like it

Back to studying
the impending doom
is all in my mind
self will run riot
and if things dont go to plan
then we make another one
for richer for poorer
for better for worse
in sickness and in health
I will do Thy will always

see ya!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Self Restraint - Daily Reflection

Daily reflections Blog

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91

My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting.

I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and to others. I returned to my work station, determined to make the day a productive one, thanking God for the chance to make progress that day.

AA Daily Reflections Book

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Paulo Coelho - The fourth cardinal virtue: Wisdom

The warrior of Light - Issue 182

The fourth cardinal virtue: Wisdom

According to the dictionary: deep knowledge of things, natural or acquired; erudition; rectitude.

According to the New Testament: For God’s folly is beyond the wisdom of men, and God’s weakness is beyond their strength. For consider, brothers, what happened when God called you. Not many of you were what men call wise, not many of you were influential, not many were of high birth. But it was what the world calls foolish that God chose to put the wise to shame with, and it was what the world calls weak that God chose to shame its strength with (Corinthians 1: 25-27).

According to Islam: A wise man arrived at the village of Akbar and the people lent no importance to him. Except for a small group of young people, the wise man was of no interest to anyone; on the contrary, he became a object of irony for the inhabitants of the city. One day he was walking down the main street with some of his disciples when a group of men and women began to insult him. The wise man went up to them and blessed them.
When they left, one of the disciples remarked: “They say terrible things, and you answer them with nice words.”
And the wise man replied: “Each one of us can only offer what he has.”

According to the Hassidic (Jewish) tradition: When Moses ascended to Heaven to write a certain part of the Bible, the Almighty asked him to place small crowns on some letters of the Torah. Moses said: "Master of the Universe, why draw these crowns?" God answered: "Because one hundred generations from now a man called Akiva will interpret them."
"Show me this man’s interpretation," asked Moses.
The Lord took him to the future and put him in one of Rabbi Akiva’s classes. One pupil asked: “Rabbi, why are these crowns drawn on top of some letters?”
"I don’t know." Replied Akiva. "And I am sure that not even Moses knew. He did this only to teach us that even without understanding everything the Lord does, we can trust in his wisdom."

In the animal kingdom: The centipede decided to ask the wise man of the forest, a monkey, the best remedy for the pain in his legs.
"That’s rheumatism,” said the monkey. “You have too many legs.”
"And what do I have to do to have just two legs?"
"Don’t bother me with details," answered the monkey. "A wise man just gives the best advice; you have to solve the problem."

A scene that I witnessed in 1997: Hoping to impress his master, a student of the occult whom I know read some manuals on magic and decided to buy the materials mentioned in the texts. With considerable difficulty he managed to find a certain type of incense, some talismans, a wooden structure with sacred characters written in an established order. When we were having breakfast together with his master, the latter commented:
“Do you believe that by rolling computer wires around your neck you will acquire the efficiency of the machine? Do you believe that by buying hats and sophisticate clothes you will also acquire the good taste and sophistication of those who made them? Objects can be your allies, but they do not contain any type of wisdom. First practice devotion and discipline, and everything else will come to you later.”
Before Alexander: The Greek philosopher Anaximenes (400 A.C.) approached Alexander the Great to try to save his city.
“I received you because I know that you are a wise man. But you have my word as king that I shall never accept what you have come to ask me,” said the powerful warrior to his generals.
“I just came to ask you to destroy my city,” replied Anaximenes. And in this way the city was saved.

(next Warrior of Light Online Justice)

And heres Warrior of Light
The second Cardinal Virtue: Hope
(I forgot)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Resentment is the No 1 offender - we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenence!

Tuesday was a better day
still very unpleasant and unsettling things happening
however TUESDAY
resentment still there
though I was not so trapped to imploding point
that I was Monday
I felt freer from fear and anger
and felt love, compasion and patience
towards the person
I felt it
though the resentment
the situation was the same
if anything some may say ... worse!

Today, I just got on with my whats in front of me
and had moving stuff to contend with!

You know what I did
got home and

Read step 3
actually I listened to it 3 times on ipod
why 3 times?
because it took that long for me to hear
what was being said
the first two times
I was listening
but thinking about the other person
my play/drama... all the actors
and situation still
the 3rd time
It penetrated! yay!

take MY inventory
Pray step 7, 3
and these VERY important prayers
let go and let God

I will

What it is that I am doing?
I am trying to run the show
even though I am virtuous
is not working!
and the result if confusion
not harmony
God is my employer
I am his agent!

I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean


Praying for guidance around moving
no signs to tell me not to
inspite of much insecurity
I am continuing
at critical point in next few days
praying like f*ck around everything
prevents me
slapping my colleagues round the head
with my mouse on a daily basis
and has done for a while now
so you will NEVER persuade me
that prayer doesnt work

Uni... really really really
pleased to be back
2 continuing subjects and one new
the one new subject is as clear as MUD!
but then they all were at the beginning of each
semester last year
so I have no fear! simply acceptance..
frustration and spiritual pride!
(I should know more than this!!)

Going to bed! see ya

Enjoy... one day I want to see
the Northern Lights!
nature it is creative and beautiful
Gods own paint canvess
celestial palette!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Asked for help - solution is

Read step 3
take MY inventory
let go and let God

I will

What it is that I am doing?
I am trying to run the show
even though I am virtuous
is not working!
and the result if confusion
not harmony
God is my employer
I am his agent!

I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean

Sunday, October 05, 2008

When I am angry with or THINKING what appears to be non stop about someone

this is what I read and say out loud, and repeat the prayer outloud/in private/under my breath/in silence... it doesnt matter.. I do it until I feel better!
its amazing what you can learn off by heart
off by heart... :)

See page 66/67 Big Book

To conclude that other people are wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Heres the important bit! Amended because I am saying it
If I am to live, I have to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not things for me!. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

I turned back to the resentment, for it held the key to the future. I MUST be prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. I must be willing to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill ME. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

Here's how i pray it.. This was our course: "God I realise that Fred is perhaps spiritually sick. Though I dont like Freds symptoms and the way these disturbed me, Fred, like me, is sick too"
"God to help me to show Fred the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When Fred offends me, help me say to myself, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

"Help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I wouldn´t treat sick people that way. If I do, I will destroy my chance of being helpful. I cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one"

repeat through the day, everyday until the resentment has gone!
as with anything, when I am IN IT
i think I will be praying forever
and yes in somecases
I have to revisit the prayer
more often that I would like

I use it on ANYONE
who is sitting rent free in my head
for longer than I would like
how long is that?
when my life starts to become unmanageable
when I am thinking about them instead of doing whats in front of me
when my problems begin to pile up on them and
appear to become astonishingly difficult to solve
thats when.. doesnt have to be anger
can be jealous, envious, fearful, lustful, angry
towards the person

Yeh you try studying when you have someone
in your head that you dont want there!
and then I try and blame them for
wasting my study time!?
insane huh...
yep if I dont do anything about it
or think I am the only one!
thats insane :)

You be amazed how quickly I can say the prayer
it takes seconds! but it works
I do it earnestly, desparately
and I really want it to work

It works-it really does P88

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

You dont always get what you want... you get what you need

Good news
Blood tests all fine
Good news
further referral for physio
keep taking the tablets for now
try lower dose
see how the symptoms are...then

Bad news
at work

Good news
Back at Uni
and i feel a REAL sense of relief
that 3 nights a week
unless the uni falls down
I attend lectures
and take part
follow instructions
a certain amount of security and .. control

Keep it in the day
I am going to take inventory
pray for all the defects to be removed
and pray for fear around money to be removed
pray to keep my mouth shut
and accept that
its ultimately the market thats done it
not the indivuidual
see as I say that I can come up with a reason
why its the individual's fault
and I would be right
... but does right make me happy? Nope
then I have to shut up, let go and pray!

Bottom line

I have a job I can do and like
I have fixable health
Uni near work
hospital near work
needs not wants

Pray tonight for care and guidance
love and tolerence
and to be reminded that
there are VERY many people I work with
feeling financial insecurity
just like me
AND harder!
but as usual I compare my insides
with their outsides!
and feel like I am the only one

You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
you cant always get what you
but if you try sometimes
you might find....
you get what you need

Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. It is going empty handed, but knowing that God's hand is stretched out to pull you.

Here I am! No financial solution

Tell me when its time!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Keep it simple

Its funny! well unsuprising
after hitting a breaking moment Thursday
and recongising
I am just taking everything too seriously
and needed to rest

Had a productive and enjoyable weekend
lots of packing forr moving
preparing changing
address and utilities etc
and resting
time in the sun last few days
much needed rays! feeling sunnier
I am loving the warm autumn weekends

reading Tricks of the mind - Derren Brown
interesting recommendation IFOBW

Out of 3 none study books I have
begin reading this summer
I am yet to say I have read
a whole book
stuffs just not grabbing me
not even Paulo Coelho
even this one
the first 3 or 4 chapters
I had to skip
and start part way in!

take what you need and leave the rest

Have to say... pills are working
on the main symptom I went for

Uni starts next week
Good luck to the'Awl Fecker
may the Force be with you, me
and anyone else studying
have a great week everyone!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

No Projecting - Self will run riot!

See I purposely didnt mention
symptoms or what I think it could be
or whether I agree with any test
for what it could be
it doesnt matter what I think
it matters what I know
and today I dont know

Thank you for your Care

today I am paying attention
to what my body is telling me
or revealing to me
I am realising
that there are a few more symptoms
I have been "ignoring"
or not linking up
that i need to mention in my phone call
Self awareness
Step 1 stuff
or is it Step 10!


Yeh man I am afraid
and at the same time have faith

Mentally I am thinking about that
thing that when a person is about to die
they often get closer to God
I see moving towards Gods Will and Good
moving towards perfection
which is different to a none obstacle ridden life
which is part of the process

I mentioned a little while back that
if Get what want wil I then die?
all my dreams are coming true
I dreamed of doing the degree
I dreamed of a beach house
I dreamed of having a garden
I am getting it
so will I die when I have perfection?
well my idea of perfetion?
its a weird thought process I am going here

Its reminded me of when I was doing step 1 and 2
and I could not imagine how it would be
if I could manage and excel in all the stuff
I found to be unmanageable when I drank
and in early.. recovery
it scared me to think that I would ever get any of these things
so often self will and fear wanted me not to proceed
to turn away from Care
I assumed I would be given this new manageability
to deal with overnight
with the tools of a newcomer
I was given everything
ALL in Gods time
and ALL the tools I have been given
as and when I have needed them
in the right order
except I am different
I have a confidence thesedays
that unshakeable faith amongst the fear
that really blows my mind at times
that I have to smile and gives me
huge happiness and tears of joy
anything is possible
if I do the footwork
and its Gods will not mine!

So here I am again
I learned before
that to die does not mean to stop breathing
it can mean letting go of old ideas
old thinking
old me
and letting in whatever is to become
open minded
open heart
having faith thats a blind and evidenced faith
God doesnt give me anything I cant handle
self will, pride and fear does

Ok i'm off to eat
finish off a job
make a start on another and then
then focus on my breathing
in a yoga position!

Me Me Me

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I am bored of health stuff now.... mental illness is a sinch in comparison!

But I have to address it
self diagnosis doesnt work
and other people's doesnt either!

Its like my yoga teacher said
you get one think dealt with
and another comes up..

Just for today I am breathing
my heart is beating
I have a sense of humour
and life is actually good
there is nothing actually
to complain about that I KNOW of

My physio suggested I get another
referral for something else thats
come up while she has been treating
my shoulder... which is REALLY improving!
almost full movement wayhay!
follow her instructions
and it gets better

Go to GP to ask for another referral
she then questions why I think the physio
is correct...
I said I dont know
I am just doing what the physio said
she asked what the symptoms are
I told her
she asked if I have x and y
and then said what do i think it is?
I said I dont know I hoped you might..

she then prescribed me some tablets
I whined as usual about pills not wanting, liking etc..
and she said well no point in me
prescribing if you are not going to take them
so I said well you know better than me you are the doctor
and she then said well your the patient!
I could see this was not going any where
(I am really fed up of symptoms)
I agreed to do it her way!
one week of pills
and a blood test
we'll see what happens

I'd rather know whats going on..
everythings treatable
when you know what it is!

Anyway the blood man
said I have very small vein
or whatever it was he stuck the needle in
and it works very well
blood came out red which was a VERY good start!
if it had come out blue then I would
have thought God was having a laugh
after my new Royal title yesterday

Spoke with a fellow AA who
has the thing I am being tested for
I know she LIVES with this thing
as opposed to suffering with it
see nothing need be doom and gloom

of course I was initially disappointed
to not get the referral I wanted
and I have to take a frikkin pill
but I am doing as I am told to the letter!
I want to enjoy life nowadays
I got a degree and beach house coming up!
and if that means getting health stuff dealt with
and needles and stuff
then well I MUST !

Motives are completely honest
nothing mind bending
and I have no desire to continue after a week!

GP asked me if I smoked, nope
do I drink? nope not atall
she doesnt think blood tests will come up with
problem stuff...
I thought about telling her I dont have irresponsible sex either
but I didnt...

Blood pressure is fine

I reckon its stress
working full time
part time degree & self study
eating, shopping, life
oh yeh, buying and selling
moving house
risk of redundancy

I wonder if this serenity
is only skin deep?

... or underneath
in the bits I cannot see or touch
am I a mass or a mess...
whizzing round
unserene trying to cope
and falling to pieces?

I really am keeping it in the day
at the moment
I have to!
sinch by the inch stuff
as it comes up
and its getting done

God show me what I must do next
Show me what it is you want me to do
Thy will not mine be done

Ps God... that thought I had the other night
abit doing less uni this term
extending it further...
was that You God or fear & self will?

Good night!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Apparantly I am King!? Well I suppose its better than being a drama Queen!

You Are the King

You are natural leader. You like to rule, and people like to be ruled by you.
You handle responsibility well. You enjoy providing for those who are loyal to you.

You master anything you try, and you refuse to accept failure as an option.
You're especially good at developing strategies and delegating tasks.

You are a total perfectionist. Your standards are hard to live up to.
However, you are also very generous ... at least to those in your inner circle.

Is this me? Of course!!

What Role do you play?

I Found it through Lydia @ Writerquake

Monday, September 22, 2008

Paulo Coehlo - The third cardinal virtue: Love

The Warrior of Light No. 181

The third cardinal virtue: Love
According to the dictionary: from the Latin amor: strong affection that drives us towards the object of our desires; inclination of the soul and heart; affection; passion; exclusive inclination; theological grace.

In the New Testament: So faith, hope and love endure. These are the great three, and the greatest of them is love. (Corinthians 13:13)

According to etymology: the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond “liking” someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it. For Catholics, this was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of the history of men. Those who know and feel Agape realize that nothing else in this world has any importance, only loving.

For Oscar Wilde:
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
(Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)

In a late 19th century sermon: Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.
I am in this world living the present. Any good thing that I can do, or any happiness that I can bring to others, please tell me. Don’t let me put things off or forget, because I shall never live this moment again. (Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])

In an e-mail received by the author: “While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise” (C.A., 23/11/2006)

For science: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.
Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.

For a poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. It will make you grow, and then throw you on the ground. It will whip you so that you feel your impotence, it will shake you to rid you of all your impurities. It will crush you to leave you flexible.
And then it will toss you in the fire so that you can become the blessed bread to be served at God’s sacred feast (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])

(next Warrior of Light Online Wisdom)