Tracks

When you are driven
by something
that you can't explain
which fills your within
and colours all your without
you just have to do it
FullFillment even for a second

Woman and 4 camels
walk across Australia
nature showed no mercy
nature just was

It was what it was
a long trek
which she did not know
exactly what would happen

people just came and took photos
she eventually was hounded by them
a journalist
eventually got her drift

At one with the elements
even if the elements
would destroy
and give life

Whatever happened
have sufficient
water and shelter
and keep walking

Honesty - to thine own self be true

Christmas day

Consistently

Confuses me

I am confused

Consistently

Christmas day

Drinking

Sober

Doing service

With family

With AA's

In meetings

Home alone

Without faith

With faith

feeling the christmas meaning

Not feeling the Christmas meaning

I have been celebrating

And understanding

The light of the world

Coming through advent

And feeling it

Yet today

I feel like the party is over

Anti climax

Christmas day

Is about service

It has been for a

Number of years now

Yet over the years

That picture of

Christmas day service

Has changed considerably

This year i feel a chapter

Closing and the next one

Is not yet in sight

It has always been

A feeling of

A waste of a day

For as long back as

I remember

in sobriety

a need to

Find something to do

Attitude of service

Today has confirmed it

Organised service

Something i can

Plug into

We

Self seeking ?

Yes i need to do service

Otherwise i

Reminisce about

A happy christmas

I dont remember

Having

Cant quite see the

Truth from the fiction

On that one

And dream of creating

A christmas for others

Which i could plug into

And actually help

Create the fellowship

I crave

... Honesty .... Honestly

its not just newcomers
Its old timers aswell
Destroyed without picking up a drink
AA is not a dating agency
AA is not a cure
12 steps are not just something to
Read and understand
This way of life is not a theory
We have to live it

Watching and listening
How co dependency
Or the belief that human power
Can relieve alcoholism
And the breaking of anonimity
And sexual obsession
weaves its threads
And eats away at whats been built

Sadly it reflects the importance
Of continue to be honest
Maintain
And grow
Change
In all our life areas
Dont just stop when alcohol
Obsession stops
We can be better in all areas

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound saved a soul like me

step 5
We admitted to ourselves, God
And another human being

All my
Shame
Anger
Fear
Selfishness
Self pity
Self centredness
Etc etc
In detail

Nothing missed
In return
Grace
No judgement
Unconditional love
Forgiveness
Anonymous

In a further annual houseclean
More recent resentments and fears
Further layers peeled
Revealing deeper and remaining
Shame
Fears
Arrogance
Huge self will
Etc etc
In great detail
Nothing missed again
More grace
No judgement
Forgiveness
Uncondititional love
Anonymously

A few years later
Further layers peeled
Further stuff
Is revealed
Or same stuff
At a deeper level
Again grace
Forgiveness
No judgement
Anonymously

This week
My past stuff
My fears of rejection because
Of my past stuff
became Unbearable
Prolonging the rejection
Became sloth
And so, out of choice!?
Not because they asked me
As part of my application
For my future position
In ministry it became
Essential for me to
Let go absolutely
And reveal stuff i did
Lived and breathed
As part of my experience
Strength and hope
And all i want to do
Is carry message
Give hope
Reach out to the unloveable
Whatever that means
And for my own growth
Continue to be a part of
Church family
Be a part of
Take my coat off and stay
Perhaps when someone
Who comes in with bag of stuff
Which they too feel excludes
Them from church
Can offer them a cuppa tea
And warm welcome
Be responsible
Not anonymously

It is gods will i go into ministry
I am afraid of not being able to
Communicate whats needed
I am afraid of being misunderstood
I am afraid of rejection

Like my sponsor said
Its just stuff

Yeh i opened right up this week
Gave them my bag of stuff
In greater details
All stuff i done
No holding back
Yet honesty that i dont do
This stuff now
And have no wish to go back to it
Human acceptance is lovely
They understood and still
Gave me the application to fill in
Anyway !!!

Complete honesty
Is essential in certain circumstances
Not everyone can deal with it
Not everyone needs to hear it
But in this instance
Wisdom to know the difference
Came to me with clarity

Stop being so nice to me!!!!!!!!

Seems my calling is evident
I am a messenger
I love people
Peoples suffering makes me cry
I cant fix people
But i dont run off
Walking alongside is such a gift
And being walked next to
At the same time is priceless

God is amazing
AA is awesome
Fellowship rocks !!

:-)

Again

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
Naked
Vulnerable
Yet
Knowing
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way

:-)

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

The day after - racing round the edge of the hole in the sand

I felt a huge wave of loss
stuff like
babies
pregnancy
mum (mine)
intimacy
what is it
what isnt it
why
why not
relationship
fiction and real
and blurred edges
why
why not
Hows it all feel?

Cried myself to sleep
hasnt happened for a while
need to happen
it happened

Conversation with God
is like loooking into the eyes
of an owl 12 inches away
I cant lie to it
it looks right into my soul
and knows whats going on
it dont say a word
it doesnt need to
even when I dont or wont look
It has a way of loosening the denial
even when I dont know there is any
then its my job to do some work



She held her own an awesome prescence!!

Step 1

I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when 
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will

Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith

I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening

This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5 
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong

That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes 
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment

I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable

What?
I need not stay like this

Do i want to stay like this?
No

Are you willing to go
 to any length?
Yes

How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray

ok 

Love

Is not about fixing
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth

not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real

i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love

Its true

Asked sponsor for help
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless

pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self

Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths

it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!

you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week

I am

Grateful

I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am

no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow

henriffic!

i'm off to dust some skirting boards

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Motives - Perseverence - Obedience

Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27

Motives
Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
who
what
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will

Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain
perseverence

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85

I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over

I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
motives
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say

I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven
obedience

giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness

God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!



Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!

Accountability
I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people

Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power

well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway

Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required

God show me what you want me to do...

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is


is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?

Yoga and acting dishonestly gets more difficult

I didn't race out of bed this morning
But I did get to yoga on time again
I really like this Sunday morning time
the room is VERY bright
and the teacher has a different style
to my other teacher
many positions are similar
but she comes at it from a different angle
and I like that
I'm starting to get what I wanted
seeing how to use yoga in daily life
breathing in, stillness and letting go
awareness of self, honesty, listening
I love yoga!

Dishonesty becomes more difficult
Because I choose to try and live honestly

I usually buy a monthly travelcard
which gets me practically everywhere
I need to go around town
as often as i like
which ever mode of transport
any station (within the right zones)
without me having to think

A kind of sloth occurs
regarding just spending out £x each month
afforable, and just paying it out
no question
Dont get me wrong, I dont begrudge it
I just become aware of the amount
when I can to renew and
wondered how much a pay as you go
type would cost ME for the month
with all the journeys
and whether I would find that I am spending
extra money without realising it?
a cross check on value for money I suppose

I find that certain modes namely
overland trains I cant use the pay as you go
therefore I am limited in my commute to the
hot tub(e) each day or a bus ride
and I pay again for train rides

WHERES THE DISHONESTY FIT IN?
Many trains do not have ticket barriers
or ticket checkers on the trains
at the weekends..... see whats coming?

Today, I arrange to meet up with someone
which involves leaving my station (no ticket checks)
and getting of at another (again no ticket checks)
On the way back from yoga
I check trains running
AND notice the ticket machine is broken! Hear me cheer!
So i can get away with it??? a reasonable excuse
I return later to catch the train
Enter the station.... the ticket office is open
see I NOTICED IT....
Now how hard is it to Get down onto the platform
knowing
a) I have the money
b) I have the time before the trains coming
c) I made a deal NOT to live like that where possible!
I made to go down the stairs
and by the time I got to c)
I had turned around and bought a return ticket...

Its too hard and exhausting living in a lie
Now I have crossed a line
I cant go back
no matter how much I try
There is a mental defense
that kicks in
Gods will v my will (first thought, schemes and plans)
See I listen
these little challenges check out my integrity
To act dishonestly in this instance
would have instigated fear, pride, self pity
regret in me, and possibly a penalty fine!

I feel happy about
Steps 4,5,6,7 without them
ie before
I would have just gone and got away with it
and moved on once the journey was over
without real sense of being grounded in
why I acted that way
OR i may buy a ticket, may not
depends how SELF righteous I was feeling
Like yesterday
I used a bus its rare that your tickets
are checked, so I didnt....
And now its on my conscience
I almost feel like getting on a bus an paying
and getting off again to justify my action
see I am still living yesterdays dishonesty

God gave me an opportunity to change today
What (step10) Corrective measures?.... pay up
Its my peace of mind
that suffers... all for £0.90 saving yesterday!

see ya

ps. in my own attempt to act with Integrity
Heres another post from my Food blog

To thine own self be true

Existing v Living [2003]

what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while

at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps

So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not

personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?

Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?

what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance

I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance

heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them

What is your purpose? What drives you?

Written by Paulo Coehlo "Warrior of Light" Issue No 160

On the banks of the river Adour

“When I take off my glasses I can still see the path. I can’t see the details, but I can see the path,” says my wife, with her + 6.5 degrees of myopia, while we walk through a field of corn during our European holidays.

I tell her that the same happens to me: although I am not short-sighted, sometimes I can’t see the details, but I always try to keep my eyes fixed on my choices.

We end up at a river in the middle of nowhere, near the village of Arcizac-Adour. And all of a sudden I remember that I made a promise that I have not yet fulfilled. Three years ago we were both sitting on the banks of this very same river when we spotted a beautiful woman wearing waterproof boots up to the knees, walking on the river-bed with a sack on her shoulders. When she saw us, she came over and said:

“I know Jacqueline (a friend of ours). I asked her to introduce us and she answered: “You’ll meet them when you least expect it. My name is Isabelle Labaune.”

She explained that she was there cleaning the river of odd bits of rubbish (plastic bottles and beer cans carried down by the current), but that her true passion were horses. That afternoon we went to visit her stables.

Isabelle had a dozen or so animals, and did everything absolutely alone – she fed them, kept the place in order, cleaned the stables and fixed the tiles – indeed, all the work that would drive anyone crazy.

“I set up an association for people born with mental problems. I am absolutely certain that horse-riding makes them feel loved and integrated with society.”

Whenever I spent holidays in the region, I met Isabelle. Minibuses arrived bringing young people suffering from the Down Syndrome to ride the beautiful horses and stroll by the rivers and through the forests and parks. There was never an accident. The parents looked on with tears in their eyes, and Isabelle wore a smile on her lips. She was deeply proud of what she did: she woke at five in the morning, worked the whole day long, and went to bed early, exhausted.

She was a very attractive young woman. But she did not have a boyfriend:

“All the men who appear in my life want me to be a housewife. But I have a dream. I suffer when I am alone, but I would suffer a lot more if I abandoned the purpose of my life.”

The situation changed right at the beginning of 2006. One afternoon when I went to visit her, she told me she was in love. And that her boyfriend accepted her rhythm of life and was willing to help her in whatever way he could.

Some days later on I traveled to Brazil. I think that it was October when I received a message from her on the answering service of my mobile phone: she would like to see me - but I was far away and I paid no importance to the message, because nothing urgent ever happens in small towns in the interior.

When I returned to the Pyrenees in December, I went to have lunch with Jacqueline. That is when I found out that Isabelle had died of a fulminating cancer.

That night I lit a fire in my garden. I remained all alone looking at the flames and thinking about a woman who had done nothing but good in her life and whom God had taken away so early. I did not weep, but I felt a deep love in the air, as if she were present all around me. The next day I received a call from her boyfriend, who asked me to write something on her: she was gone, and nobody had ever known her work.

I promised to do so. But only today, when we were passing by the river and sat down in the same place, did I remember that I had made that promise, and now I am fulfilling it. Of the many people I have known in my life, one of the closest to saintliness was Isabelle Labaune.

You are now entering the 4th Dimension - My chains fell off, my heart was free

I had the most bizarre conversation today

Hi its .... from ...
Well we have had the whole department
searching for your exam
and we have decided,we have lost you entrance exam
We aren't sure how, as only 3 of you sat it
and we have 2 of them here, its just yours
Pause (johno listened blinking)

and its undesirable for us to have you to sit the test again
pause (johno keep quiet)

so how do you think you did?
I dont know, thats what i was hoping you were going to tell me

well how do you think you did?
I found it hard

how hard, do you do this in your daily work life?
no I dont write essays, I have written reports
not like this though, I cannot compare the two
I haven't written an essay in nearly 20 years
I found it difficult

and so how do you think you would get on on the course?
I dont know, I know i will need help, as i said to you
on the open day, you do have the help there dont you?

yes we do
and do many people make use of it?

yes some people become dependent on it some people
just need help for certain aspects
well i would be someone that would get help definitely
johno's heart sank a little

would it suprise you if i was encouraged by your
honesty about your skill level? most people would have
said they, had breezed through the exam and would
be trying to impress a place on the course...
especially as we have lost your paper
but you arent
er no, i dont know if i will be able to do it
i dont know how much help i need, i just know I will need
help thats all, but i would like to
try this year to see how it goes
i would just like the opportunity to try
pause

ok, on that basis we will offer you a place
I will write the letter now
thank you

THANK YOU GOD
am blown away by opportunity

I watch what you do with others
I see what you do in others

letting go
Letting you
Giving all of me
Absolute trust
why wouldnt I?
everything i offer you absolutely
becomes Gold
Putting all of me in your hands
Is the BEST thing I have EVER done

You shown me in others what You can do
You take away their difficulties
and this helps me
and then when am willing and ready
you take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
Of Thy Power, Thy Glory, Thy Way of Life
May I do Thy Will always!

Will these tears of Joy ever stop?

The impossible just became possible!

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

Click the arrow above artist
Tim Hughes - Holding nothing back

Abridged
My chains fell of, my heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You gave evertything for me
You gave evertything for me
everything

Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back

Free to love
Free to give
Free to be

I'm Free to love You....

Am Feeling Myself Again

Confrontation last night
Non agressive
just reaffirming whats already been said
an admission
our parts in it
no apology for the content of my suggestion
just for the delivery
God she's just like me
Re visited the TELL THE TRUTH
Even if its not what you think I want to hear

Also said didnt realise how tired I was
and was going for an early night
H.A.L.T
Its amazing how an admission of humanness
Softens up people, even if not asking for it

Also reminded Sponsor is not best friend
Will often say what she dont want to hear
It eases my conscience that I said it
Reminding especially when its so early days
Selfish, but whatever

Sponsee came over
Read some more big book
God am lucky
I can see it working before my very eyes
defiance & fear
willingness & trust
defiance & fear
willingness & trust
over and over
Its exhausting for me
walking it with her...
Its cool aswell

She's now off out
Not looking for some vicarious pleasure
Looking forward to it...
with apprehension that "i wouldnt let her"!?
or its not "programme"
How cool is P101, 102... its all in there
I dont need to tell her or decide
I just show her and let her be honest
To thine own self be true

Selotape off mouth again
Trust the process