Existing v Living [2003]

what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while

at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps

So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not

personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?

Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?

what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance

I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance

heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them