Saturday, December 08, 2007

Studying with AlcoholISM - I sabotage myself

I am starting to realise
as I interact on a weekly basis
and open up and be honest
keeping it simple and relevent to the course
ie. not deep (well perhaps it is deep to some people)
anyway yawn, just being me

that all people do this sabotage
and it looks like poor time management
but is it?

I can only speak for me
i definitely see an i sabitage myself
happen over the last 3 weeks

all the simple stuff became hard
stopped taking inventory
got a few excellent marks and one good one
and then hit a block
turning up, helping others but not much else

its the keep on keeping on
even when you think its not going as
YOU think it should be Johno
It in fact IS
Aim for perfection settle for excellent
excellent yesterday may be good today
thats enough
tomorrow is another day to try again

Friday I reached a point that I couldnt
take anything in even at work
I feel like I could sleep for a 100 years

The truth is I suddenly have 4 deadlines next week
assignment at uni
test at work
feedback for yoga teacher
pack for christmas
all different areas of my life
and a delivery of a new mobile phone
and making a decsion about which ipod
(yeh I can see you are NOT feeling sorry for me
these are NOT problems!)

but still my truth is IN MY HEAD
it all became too hard
and physically I started to suffer
and mentally I shut down
I forced myself to share at home group
about the topic, and for the newcomer
not about my head !?
And I felt better

I hate the rain today
its cold and wet
and I dont want to play anymore

There is a woman started coming
and without breaking any anonymity
she is mentally challenged
about 6 months sober
she got an AA Q&A on sponsorship leaflet last night
and its great to see her eyes light up
when people speak with her
I hope she keeps coming back

yeh ok having written taht last bit
I feel different again
i'll play another day
have done a load on the reflective statement
far more and its not done yet
will be easy to strip down tomorrow

the other bit I made a start on
its the pig I am wrestling with
but in the great scheme of things
Its not worth that many marks
So I HAVE to give it my best shot
but not let it dominate me
or stir up the fear and I cant do it

Grateful for this
Have begun to be aware of the time
I need to spend on a 1st class degree
and can I afford to slow down on
the day job to step up on the studying?
well i'll be talking with God about
that over the next few months
Willing to go to any lengths? yah

whatever, this is what I want to do
and its acheivable
a day and a week at a time
turn up, pay attention, do whats suggested
and then do it again
and again

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.P59

1 comment:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

you cant have your cake AND eat it.
its perfectly ok to cut down on stuff to make more rom for the course. but yeah. ALL the students are a it terrified. NONE of them are really confident. its scary but dont let that put you off or make you think you are a hopeless case. For me the stress is MUCH harder to 'do' than the sutdy itself. Meaning its the way it messes with your head that is the hardest. thats why you jut dont listen, and just get the head down and do the work. Other stuff can drop a priority. Talking to other AA's who are doing or have done courses helps too.

So yeah. less is more. and new mobile phones drive EVERYONE nuts! ah well..