Saturday, December 25, 2010


I had a lovely day
Woke up in it
And went to church
Acted as if and
Went round greeted everyone
By the end i was in a good mood
Kids and tots were in cheeky cute mode
Which always makes ne laugh
Theres time when they are
Damn rude
Today they were just cute
And their timing to make noises
Perfect !! :-)

After took time with
Cooked dinner for
Simple stuff
Which helps me aswell
You know that
Yet earthlings dont understand
I receive, thru helping her
Gave her a safe few hours
No one knocking on her door
No one after anything ofd her
Nothing to feed her paranoia
Shes an Addict,
not 12 step as such
I have no experiience
She is a friend at church
In need, and rejected by her family
Because of her addiction
Attitude and the company she kept keeps
To me she is a yet
And i see through it all
I see her eyes
I feel her pain
Yet recognise my powerlessness
I pray and stand next to her
Yet she has learnt me
How to not fix or try to
And when i do i am the one
Who ends up exhausted
Addiction wins
So i combat it with kindness
Unconditional love
And just by being her friend
Not promising anything
Not asking anything from her
Just being her friend
She commented on my normal living
On several occasions
And just said she will learn
How to rebuild all this in rehab
Which she is talking about
More and more
I dropped her off this evening
And went to ger flat
It was the opposite of my house
Stuff everywhere
Tidy but so much stuff
Impulse buying
I relate to it all
Yet recognise how
Nowadays i dont buy buy buy
I have done
Incase of running out
Buying because im worth it
Buying randomly food inpulses
Yet nothing substantial to create a meal
Eating all the offer stuff
And leaving it in fridge til its gone off

I am not perfect
But i am not living like that
And i can see how to slip back to it
Doing alone
No recovery fellowship or programme
She kept saying this is not
Normal living
I said it is normal living for an addict
This isnt how it has to b
And rehab will help you change
She said it again
I said it again
And again
Who knows when her time
Will come
I know this is what christmas is about
If the god and jesus story is correct
Christmas is not about the sales
And excess
Its about providing and sharing
Love and kindness
I feel grateful

Last week i posted
About why have i been given
What i have
With no one to
Share it with
Well today i shared it
And tonight i collected a
Newcomer again
And took him to a meeting
I feel really part of
My local fellowship
Made friends :-)
Already in 2 weeks!!

I have been given these
Material gifts
To share with those who
Havent for
Whatever reason
Thank you

Vigilance required
I received a harmless
Inch long Chocolate christmas pudding
And chocolate robin
I always check whats in
Especially if it says truffle
The pudding had rum in it
It dint fear me
I didnt know what to do with it
This inch long thing :)
I feel blessed it made me laugh
No fear, just baffled what to do with it
See i cant throw alcohol away
Doesnt happen much as i dont hve it around
Yet this thing i couldnt throw :-)
So on my way out
I put it on someones windscreen!!
And went to my meeting

This afternoon i had some chill out time
And this eve, watched some tv
And ate pizza

Spoke to my brother
And tmoro off to dads
Joy of having a car
And neighbours who share
Pet feeding with :-)
I feed their lizard locusts!!
Its not too bad holding locusts :-)

Hope u had safe and peaceful day :-)

Friday, December 24, 2010

So it came :-) much needed feeling of peace

I felt Peace
Went to bed this afternoon
Got up and went and sang carols
With band at peoples houses
Who cant get out
I felt some joy
Act as if ... In service
And it lifted me
It lifted those we sang to
And it lifted neughbours
Of those we sang to
Curtains twitched
Some windows opened
Shadows moved in the darkness
Behind the windows
People moved by singing of carols
Yet alone in their homes
Singing has a lovely effect on people
As does a salvation army band
We sang and played at the pub
Next to our hall and they came out
And sang with us
A few drunk and tired looking already
And it was only 6 oclock

Met a guy near me and i took him
To meeting in town
I love that i can use my car to give lifts
I prayed that i would not just have it
For my benefit
And my prayers are coming true
It was freezing
We had a good chat on way
And on way back
Meeting was raw
Emitional mentaal disorders
And peace and serenity
Wishes for a safe day
I feel a love i havent
Felt before
Local community
I will bump into 'these people'
2 weeks of loads of meetings
Has brought me back to life
Given me perspective
Self pity self seeking slipped away
Opportunity for service
Map some progress
Retrieve some sanity
And made friends

Also christmas isnt shit
The lead up has been
Me buying into other peoples
Looks of pity when i said i was alone
Christmas day
Eventually i bought it aswell !!
Forgot who i am
I invited the using addict for lunch again
Tmoro after church
I say that cos she has it much
Worse than i, she has conplete
Rejection from her family
And is so in addictiction
All we can do is pray
And love her unconditionally
After i will go to meeting in evening
And take the guy who lives near
Well thats the simple plan
I hope she comes for lunch
Although i know its hit and miss
So am happy to eat alone
And have stuff to do either way

Thinking i dont need meetings
Knowing i do and doing them
Sharing the truth and gratitude
Letting people in
Going to more meetings
Going to another meeting
Allowing the feloowship to strengthen me
Letting go
I feel so much better
Now i kept it simple
Revolve it around meetings
First things first

Really appreciated your comments
Thank you
As always
The truth sets me free
Keep on keeping on

Have a safe and peaceful one :-)
In fellowship

Note to self
no need to go away next year
Just disappear into meetings
In the lead up to christmas
Is an option

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Job or no job

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

As i read yesterdays post
I think of this
Pointing fingers at everything
Which isnt right...
Well it must be me then!!

Yeh stuff is uncomfortable
And its my job to change
The things i can

Just for today I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that
I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Trust God
Trust the process

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Sit listen
Listen to learn
Its no diffrent
Better to be sitting in a meeting
Listening to others
Experience strength and hope
Than at home
Restless irritable and discontented
Trying to believe that
It will be different tomoro
Seems this us how it is
At the moment
Faking it doesnt feel right
Deciding to go away next year
365 days before next year
Is not the answer ;-)

It is how it is
Christmas comes once a year
And lasts a while
Each year there is stuff to do
Each year has a different feel
As i am in a different place
Inside each year

This year again its about service
And taking care of myself
The needs of others
And my own

What is all this teaching me?
I am not comfortable with any area
Of my life at the moment
I'm not happy
Work - been at risk redundancy many times
Got thru due to being a good worker nowadays
Yet job changed that much that
I dont like it or its principles
Learning stuff which
I am no longer intetested in
It doesnt feel right anymore
Yet jumping out into nothin
When i dont have to...
Feels scary
Yet sayin i dont have to
Feels dishonest because
I feel like to be happy or
Less uncomfortable
I do need to jump out
Even if i have nothin lined up
Feels abit like what a hippie would do
And i feel abit like thats what
I want to do
Be abit reckless
I dont mean drink and smoke dope
I mean just leave the 9-5
Play music and see what comes up
I never had no job
Feels ungrateful
Considering leaving
Yet feels like my integrety is
Being challenged while i stay
And my creative spirit
Is crippled
Thats how it feels

Comparing myself with others
In relationships
Miffed cos again i fall for someone
In relationship so i reign it all in
And dont go there
Yeh doing stuff i enjoy
An falling for likeminded
Similar interests someone
Is also progress and natural
And gives me hope of somekind
That i am on the right path
Albeit moving slowly
Well crawling... Even so
Moving forwards
Rather than random unknowns
Forced dating
Starting with chemistry or lust if u like
And trying to make it work
Seems wrong way around for me

I want some spontaneous
Freedom in romance
Or something like
When ya never had it
And possibly moving into
An arena where self restraint
And Gods will are high up
Then it does things to me
Stopped before i got started
Seems unfair

i need to strip back down
To basics
Go to meetings
Help newcomers
To thine own self be true
Pray for Gods will for me
And the power to carry it out

Unless there's another angle
To look at this from
That i cannot see for myself?
Something i'm missing?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Ok am saying

Christmas means very little to me
I had special times
Digging up christmas trees
Dragging home
Lots of lights
Presents under
Neighbours round
that was then

will it ever have that sparkle back?
was it ever there?
or was i seeing it through
the bottom of a wine glass?
i dunno
it all seems like years ago

cant seem to even fake it

next year am away somewhere
doing something
there must be something else
that doesnt cost a fortune
and doesnt involve
sitting in silence
reflecting the glare
of all the Christmas wrapping
lights and cheer

i'll get over it
just saying
am bored with all this shit
there i've said it

Sunday, December 19, 2010

i dont want to take part

In Christmas
Yeh go church
It seems the more friends
I have
The harder it seems to be
To say yes i am on my own
Christmas Day
Becase i am
Its either do stuff charitable
Help homeless
Which seems acceptable response
Although they dont see it as a selfish
Aswell as unselfish act that i do
Selfish in that it relieves my loneliness
And unselfish in it helps others
Or Be invited places because i am alone
Go away
Or spend it at home
Could be with family
Yet they just pour wine
And drink their way thru
begrudgingly spending
Time with others
And inviting ne along aswell
Which would mean
Being involved in all the present
Buying how much what to get
Thing aswell
Am i a ba humbug?
I dunno!
I dont begrudge anyone
Having a happy time
Eating drinking and
Spemding money
Please dont drag me into it
But to hear and see the lead up
Wheres all the love gone?
And after
Why are people so glad it will
Be over?
I am too actually
Although the weather isnt helping
And recent sickness
I am quite excited about 2011

Yet lately am finding it hard to
Enjoy what i have been given
And what i have worked hard for
It almost feels excessive
I have more than i need
I still have a job
Inspite of yet more redunancies
I feel i could share what i hve
And yet theres no one
Is that a poor me
High class problem?
I see it as a comfortable
Single female
Relatively well in her recovery
Nice house
knows herself on the whole
Good outlook
Yet i have this house
Car job social life
Sense of humour
And no one to share
Give any of it to
That dont mean partner,
luvver whatever
Its like i was thinking alot
About my mum last night
An i
Dont know obviously
Where she would be living
If she were alive
Yet i would e great for
The opportunity of
Sharing some of this
Joy with her, these gifts
Kids, family
See i get that
We get a life
I have been given
Far more than i ever
Yet the loneliness
Is so intense
Need tp give it all the time
To receive what i am so lacking in
Wrong and unhealthy
So i dont act it out to the intensity
I feel it
Or the service becomes a chore
Wrong motives and breeds resentment
I Wonder why i have
Been given all this
For myself?
Yet i know
For years i didnt live
In safety and security
Surrounded by
Loving no
Strings relationships
Being allowed to spend
Christmas without
Abuse and upset and fear
No presents i dont want
No forced family get togethers
So this is what i needed
And i have it
Thank you
Yet right now
It seems a waste
That i have it just for me
And cat

I am in a plateau...
I am loving going to local meetings
Meeting new people
Being accepted
Feeling part of local meetings
I am afraid i am missing
Something obvious that i am
Meant to be doing

Where are we going next?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Working with others... Quietens obsessions...

Take out the word sex
Replace with whatever
Yer obsession is at the moment...
Whatever requires self restraint against
And Power from something greater
Than my yourself

To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity, and for the strength
to do the right thing.
If sex is very troublesome,
we throw ourselves the harder
into helping others.
We think of their needs
and work for them.
This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge,
when to yield would mean heartache.


So working with others
Along with praying
For it to be lifted
simply be the
Answer to my current
Fancied or real
Which alone i am unable
To resolve
Practice these principles
In all my affairs... Life areas
step 12

Day at a time
Analysis paralysis

Friday, December 17, 2010

I have no idea

What direction i am going in
Its a bizarre place
Am i in the eye of the storm?
Am i deluding nyself?
Am i lost
Am i ok

Feels like a everythings
Shifting round
Like shuffling
Not spinning out of control
Just shifting round

I cant think of the words
Just a moving round
Bits being added
And bits dropping off
Not all easy
Yet it dont feel like
I am a victim

Just moving round
And still being prepared
For what?
I have no idea

But its all happening
Very slowly
Too slowly for my liking
Yet its happening
Spiritual Growth?!
Further growing up aches

Feeling like i spent
The last 5 years in God school
Learning how to have
Much needed
relationship with
A power greater than myself
And now its time to
Leave school and
Do some work

Let go absolutely
Trust the process
Gods time, not mine

Not cooked yet!! :-)

Apparantly everythings
As it should be :-)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Quality not quantity - Calling on humilty required

Why am i amazed?
Because i am so self centred :-)

Went to 3 meetings this weekend
I can kid myself and say
Because i wanted to
Or accept its because i needed to
And these days i try and 
Honour my needs rather than 
My wants

Answers to prayers 
Tell me
Go pitch a tent in my own 

Feel like change is afoot
Am ready
If its Gods will
It will be ok
So no point in fighting
Doesnt mean it will be easy

Spiritual is being the woman
I am meant to be
Letting God
Prune, mould, shape, grow me
Accepting i am mishapen
And need shaping up :-)

It did me so much good
To be around local people
Raw and recovering
People like me that didnt want
To sit in the meeting
But DID because we KNEW
We needed it
Its feeling like its time to
Work with new newcomers again
Those 3 meeting acted like
Stabilisers for me this weekend
A chance to rebalance
Its not about drinking... (for now)
Its about emotional sobriety
Not carrying resentments round
Clocking people round the heads
With them whilst i am working thru them
Write it pray it talk it then repeat :-)

I am full in all areas
Yet i know if its Gods will
He will make time appear
Easily if i let him
Difficult if i hang onto stuff !!

As Stuart used to say
No Steps
No change
No sober

Changing times
And being amazed
Is also a joy of humility
Being teacheable
Letting others show me
There is another way
A entirely different angle
To look at everything
Alone i may not be tall
Enough to see 
With others in recovery
 i get lifted up

Grateful for
Prayer, meditation
Keeping my mouth shut
Not retaliating
Being willing to fit in
Not change it to fit me

Let go absolutely
No hanging onto the
Corner of the towel
Because i think i need it!!!
Self centredness 

Back to basics in challenging times
The old timers gave us the 3 legacies
God bless them
Recovery - use the tools - steps - use the principles
Unity- with others - fellowship
Service - pass it on - help others

Resentment is the number 1 offender. It destroys more alkys
Than anything else

Do not underestimate this
Do not mess around
Life is precious
Recovery is a gift
5% alkys make it
Feel blessed

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Heard in meetings

Meeting makers
Make it

If you dont go to meetings
You wont know what happens
To people who dont go to meetings

There are AA meetings
Open on Christmas day

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

In community, in fellowship

It's interesting watching
Stuff unfold at church
We have 20 year olds
On employment schemes
For 6 months
Non christiam
Infact one is jewish
The other no mention
they are so enthusiastic
And lovin it
We have given them opportuniyy
To develop our coffee shop
And make it happen
And it is before my very eyes
god is amazin
I hope if they develop it
Hiw they like it
In keeping with our tradition
They will attract their mates!!
It will be a place to hang :-)
Which is not the pub
Or sat at home on facebook :-)
Our church is amazin!!!
Loads going on
We are a loved up chch :-)

1st sermon draft in :-)
Waiting on feedback !!
I moved down here
No meetings accessible
Really understood grace
Was led to this church
Feel called to keep on
Feel like i found my people :-)

l you may say: "But I will not have the
benefit of contact with you who
wrote this book." We cannot be sure.
God will determine that,
so you must remember that your real
reliance is always upon Him.
He will show you how to create the
fellowship you crave p

Monday, December 06, 2010

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
and Prayer time
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains

frrrrreeeeezin here

Sunday, December 05, 2010

In the Spirit of Service

I was reminded today

When I do chairs - I carry a message
When I write songs - I carry a message
When I do a sermon - I carry a message
When I walk out the door - I carry a message
When I speak to someone - I carry a message

The outcome is none of my business

If I am doing it in the spririt of service
to HP God as I understand Him

The outcome is none of my business

I hear what I need to hear
You hear what you need to hear

Like reading the big book
Like reading the Bible
Like reading someones Blog
Like watching reruns of Friends

Each time you re read - rewatch
I hear something different maybe
On any given day
It speaks differently to me

When you offer me a suggestion
depending on my mood when I hear it
affects the way I receive it

Give it me again tomorrow
I may receive it differently

You give the saem suggestion
to someone else
they may receive it completely differently
they may apply it immediately
they may pass it on to someone else
they may remember it for another time

Carry the message
not the alcoholic

Give it away to keep it
whatever it is you have been freely given
in the spirit of service

Let Go and Let God


Saturday, December 04, 2010

No meeting? Read a story in big book - connect with

Last night i made decision
To go home
Not home group
Had done responsible
Made others aware of
Made sure, as i could be
My roles would be filled
This left me free to choose

Anylengths ?
Common sense prevails
Not bunking off
Not sloth
Not dishonesr
Not avoiding
They shut my station due to weather
London tube unreliable
Therefore i made way home
While i could
What this tell me?
I can delegate!? Let go of baton
I dont have to run show
I dont have anythng to prove
Our group is committed
We are there for each other
And the newcomer
None of us is in charge
Meeting went on inspite of
weather n me :-)

I was gutted to not go
There's times when i miss
My friday eve crew
And times when i dont!!
Yo grow to love your homegroup
Buddies, they are friends
I asked them to think of me
In few moments of silence

Also gutted cos i need a hair cut!!
I have photo taken sunday
And wanted it how i want it!!
No vanity in my defects!! :-)

Went home n read story from big book
My experience is reading a story outloud
Connects me with You
Everytime, sometimes i need to read
More than one
But it works

Anyway anylengths
Going home not going to meeting
Going without haircut not giving into vanity
Making time at home to read big book story
Meditate on its relevance to me
Feel gratitude for AA

Friday, December 03, 2010

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way


Thursday, December 02, 2010

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
we need other feedback to guide us

above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

And the next... 48 hours - Flowers never Bend in the Rainfall

Feels like a purge going on...
no idea what
getting in touch with
deep something but not really knowing
still vague

the beginnings of a song came
at weekend
I wonder if its related
didnt push what I thought
I SHOULD be doing
and just did
I am exhausted

When they say mentally drained
is that because all thought
all the spin has disappeared
no sign of thinking going on
this is much deeper
between heart and soul
not head and heart
blurred tho
no clarity
still deep

recorded song
even this feels fake
even this feels like
what I feel when I sing
the moment has passed
and so does it still
mean anything?
are my songs a lie even?

I remember feeling like this before
first time in recovery was
during step 5
sitting with sponsor
airing my resentments and defects
and being opened up further
to explore angles and alternative
ways of thinking I could never
have come up with myself
hence the need to do steps WITH a sponsor
the challenges it brings
to look at my thinking and behaviour
from an entirely different angle
and then to actually take this on board
accept its worth a shot and may actually
be a better way
then putting in the action and letting go
of the outcome
yeh the results were phenominal
and continue to be

Sleep, dreams, nightmares
same old same old
Trust the process

continue to continue
keep on keeping on
its all as it should be!