Sunday, December 19, 2010

i dont want to take part

In Christmas
Yeh go church
It seems the more friends
I have
The harder it seems to be
To say yes i am on my own
Christmas Day
Becase i am
Its either do stuff charitable
Help homeless
Which seems acceptable response
Although they dont see it as a selfish
Aswell as unselfish act that i do
Selfish in that it relieves my loneliness
And unselfish in it helps others
Or Be invited places because i am alone
Go away
Or spend it at home
Could be with family
Yet they just pour wine
And drink their way thru
begrudgingly spending
Time with others
And inviting ne along aswell
Which would mean
Being involved in all the present
Buying how much what to get
Thing aswell
Am i a ba humbug?
I dunno!
I dont begrudge anyone
Having a happy time
Eating drinking and
Spemding money
Please dont drag me into it
But to hear and see the lead up
Wheres all the love gone?
And after
Why are people so glad it will
Be over?
I am too actually
Although the weather isnt helping
And recent sickness
I am quite excited about 2011

Yet lately am finding it hard to
Enjoy what i have been given
And what i have worked hard for
It almost feels excessive
I have more than i need
I still have a job
Inspite of yet more redunancies
I feel i could share what i hve
And yet theres no one
Is that a poor me
High class problem?
I see it as a comfortable
Single female
Relatively well in her recovery
Nice house
knows herself on the whole
Good outlook
Yet i have this house
Car job social life
Sense of humour
And no one to share
Give any of it to
That dont mean partner,
luvver whatever
Its like i was thinking alot
About my mum last night
An i
Dont know obviously
Where she would be living
If she were alive
Yet i would e great for
The opportunity of
Sharing some of this
Joy with her, these gifts
Kids, family
See i get that
We get a life
I have been given
Far more than i ever
Yet the loneliness
Is so intense
Need tp give it all the time
To receive what i am so lacking in
Wrong and unhealthy
So i dont act it out to the intensity
I feel it
Or the service becomes a chore
Wrong motives and breeds resentment
I Wonder why i have
Been given all this
For myself?
Yet i know
For years i didnt live
In safety and security
Surrounded by
Loving no
Strings relationships
Being allowed to spend
Christmas without
Abuse and upset and fear
No presents i dont want
No forced family get togethers
So this is what i needed
And i have it
Thank you
Yet right now
It seems a waste
That i have it just for me
And cat

I am in a plateau...
I am loving going to local meetings
Meeting new people
Being accepted
Feeling part of local meetings
I am afraid i am missing
Something obvious that i am
Meant to be doing

Where are we going next?

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