Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Programmed to Serve, something about magical fairy dust that makes me want to blog

The friday night cafe
the waiting staff wear t-shirts with writing
on the back "programmed to serve"
this makes me laugh and I want one

I used to think that being programmed to serve

would mean losing my independence
becomin a robot
I can never be me again
my own thoughts all removed
my life would never be mine again

Some of this has happened "as the result of these steps"
Is this a bad thing ? NO
Is this a good thing ? YES

Am I programmed to serve ? YES
Serve who ? God as I understand Him, the Spirit of the Universe,
One that has all Power, Mother Nature, The Rhythm of Life,
My Creator, Higher Power, Love, The Universal Truth,
The Great Fact within me, Whatever it is that keeps you sober,
Thingy, The Boss, Him Upstairs, That Power my Sponsors believe
in, The Wind of Change, The Force, Father of Light,
A Loving God... To me, All of these are the same different names,
A Power greater than me, when I plug in, really want to serve
remarkable things happen

Am I a robot ? Nope I have the FREEDOM to TURN away or TURN towards
this programme, these principles every hour, everyday
Today I "made a decision to TURN my will and my life
over to the care of God as I understand him
Now I have seen what the "magical AA golden fairy dust" can do
I want more, and guess what there is an unlimited pot LIMITLESS

Have I lost my mind ? Yes, I was losing my mind from
an early age, I came into AA in a hopeless state
suffering from a grave emotional and mental disorder P58
... mindless circling, round and round, madness...insanity
Out of control...

Now I seem to be of sane mind around most things,
I am not on any mind bending substance, uppers, downers
anything. Most people have no idea I was out ov control

I can never be me again... I was sick and tired of being me
Now I am not, I like being me, I interested in me,
its all about me, but I dont need to psycho analyse
I am a human, with human stuff just like all youse

my own thoughts all removed...
nope, sadly I have some very
imperfect and unspritual thoughts OFTEN
Thank God the Thought Police seem to be elsewhere
Thank God, I dont act on my warped heads ideas
I am not responsible for my thinking
I am responsible for my actions
Inventory, willingness to change, accept Spiritual Help
Take action
Somehow I know what to do thesedays, I love being this way
all of me, its interesting to see whats gonna come up next
Fear is not a problem, faith wins over, blind faith
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves P83

Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. P569 Spiritual Experience

my life would never be mine again... my life is infinitely
better nowadays, I couldnt have imagined ever having it THIS good
We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. P25

The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God´s universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. p25

He (you and me) is not so unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad’s (our) elation. We have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of

Father (you and me) feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
P128 & P129

We HAVE to GIVE it away to keep it.

Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. P164

Can you feel it ?.... Can you Feel it?.... CAN YOU FEEL IT?

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. P85

See am programmed to serve and I love it
Why wouldnt I ?

Johno your one of Gods miracles go spread the Good News
It happened again tonight God, could see it in her eyes through her tears
She got hope, just for a few moments, You did that again
You the Great you... God
No Johno, We did it, you work with Me remember
You make my work easier, when you willing and open

To those who's life is unmanageable... There is a solution
keep coming back

God how was it that you got me down the gym 2-3 times a week
most weeks and I beg my PT for a new programme ?? How the hell
did you do that ?

God How was it you did that thing that I have now gotten to
work ontime now for quite a few weeks ?? not days, this is weeks ??
I havent ever done this, even when I had to clock in and out!!!

No dont tell me, am liking your suprises

:) 4 more sleeps.... :)

Page Refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition

Thursday, July 26, 2007

In Gods Time not Mine, and I am enough today

When ever I get impatient
or have an attack of Spiritual pride
(I should be better than I am)

I have to remember
I am enough today

All progress made is
In Gods Time not mine

I try to push it forward
and it seems hard or grindy

I put in the footwork
remain willing
and it happens

God always does for me
what I can never
do for myself

even though I have shortcomings
I am short of the full ticket
I am enough

Gods doing a really Good job on me
When I let him
Its true

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

At One with the Water

Today I stood by the River Thames
for a few minutes
and watched the water
watched the current
listened to the waves on the shore
listened to the water

Focussed on the water
just the water
every other thing noise and movement
seemed to blurr and fade out

Like on a close up photo
the foreground in focus
the rest and behind abit blurry

It was like heightened awareness
sharpening my senses
i could hear the water
thats all
I could smell it
like the seaside
I could see it

just for a little while
I was One with the water
It was a physical thing
Just for a little while

I could feel warmth from the sun
Then I walked to up get some food
And back to work

I love working next to the River Thames
I love sitting watching the sea aswell
I love that I can go from my desk
to the Thames path in less than 5 minutes
and its relatively private at lunch time
surprisingly undisturbed

Am lucky

Prayed again for the ALL the Old Timers today
They are sick friends - like me
flawed - just like me

Short sentences v long and waffley (old behaviour)

To those who commented on my style of writing

Its Another miracle
really as the result of the steps,
Accepting the ego puncturing truth
staying honest
being willing to change
Giving time time
and continuing to work at it

I used to waffle on soooo much
to my Sponsor by email and SMS,
I ended up being a complete pest
most of what I wrote was just self analysis
vague woolley theories about STUFF
I could never get to the point
I was too scared to even try and say what
exactly I might be trying to say
so I would theorise
and hope somewhere in the 500-1000 words
she would get the gist
and send me back in two short sentence
the answer to ALL my problems

She suggested I write short sentences
To the point
I tried to really hard
over a period of months
But couldnt MANAGE too

So I had to stop emailing
and other written communication
As it wasnt helpful to my recovery
and a was a huge take up of her time

The last few years
I made a deal with my Sponsor
that I wouldnt email or SMS her
its self will and fear based activity
When I do, she reminds me
that she doesnt Sponsor by email or SMS
in which case I shuffle my feet
squirm and pick up the phone

Blogging was a good suggestion made to me
As it helped me to get STUFF out
and it gave/gives me time to
process it while I write

I also blogged my gratitude lists
So again the short sentences

So thats where it started
And now I tend to talk in short
to the point sentences aswell

I can go off on one at times
like the Best of us
but mostly I get sick of hearing my own
voice fairly quickly

Some of it is pride to
talking out loud
giving my opinion (to non AA's)
is something I am learning
Am actually starting to have an opinion
on things, which is progress
so getting it past my teeth
or passed the keyboard
again is progress

I like my short sentences too
Some people call it poetry
Sometimes I wonder whether
Am being "groomed" by God to write songs
to go with my guitar lessons
I have no idea really

All I know is once I was waffley and unclear
And became a pest
Now I keep it simple
And I seem to be more clear
This is just what feels comfortable too me
Its an unexpected bonus you'se like it too

Am I a budding song writer ?
A poet that doesnt know it ?
I dunno
Until I do, I'll just keep on
As I am
Just an alcoholic
Trying to be on maximum helpfulness
One days At A time
Grateful for Sponsors
They are the ones that tell me the truth
I need to hear

Grateful to be sober
Grateful to be WILLING
Grateful willing to put in the ACTION
and to give time time

Nearly two years ago
I couldnt write in this style
Now I can
Its the only way I know
I have tried going back... and cant!!

Another example of
"God doing for me what I couldnt do for myself"
I have changed because I wanted to
I didnt want to stay the way I was
In any area of my life

little by little

Trust God
Trust the process
Any Lengths
Let Go

Now am waffling HAHA

Glad you like it :)

Good night

Monday, July 23, 2007

Restraint of Tongue and pen

Over a period of months
I am

In the grip
Drinking themselves ? to death

This weekend
They cannot remember
what went on
what they did
how they got the cuts on their hands

they are unable to do their job
not unlike many days
This person says
I feel like S**t
I cant concentrate
I need to stop doing this
Its just a phase
I think i'll try and stay sober on my birthday
I think I need to check in with the Priory
I think I need to go home and do some exersize at home
I think i'll go for a run
I have lots to do today and need to focus
I havent got a lot done, I want to go home
I shouldnt be spending so long on facebook
I cant leave it alone
I spent so much money
I dont have enough money
I am skint
I bought this on the internet
I need to book my next holiday
Am only going out for one
I only had one
I cant phone this client they may know I had one vodka

I used to comment, join in the laughter at times
until I realised
this is no ordinary drinker

the last month or so
I make no comments
I just listen carefully and look into their eyes
and turn back to my work
and leave them be

their comments have gone from
raucous high pitched joviality about the exploits
to a quiet comment
quiet comment

My job is to be of maximum helpfulness
I am here to do my job and serve You
have you put me with this person for a reason?
Is this you ? God
God. If it is you
Show me what I need to do for this person
just give me Your words
until You do,
I will not comment
on this persons alcohol consumption
or their behaviour
I will stay quiet
and get on with my job
Staying silent is hard discipline

The AA programme is for people who want it

Ps God
thank you for putting another Sponsee
I will meet up with her tomorrow
Go through the basics
and see what happens
She's had a week now to change her mind
She just told me again,
she wants it
she wants to get well
She will do anything
I am willing to run with that
I have prayed on it
discussed it with my Sponsor
She shared her experience and then
She leaves it with me...and God
A day at a time

See how it goes,
thanks tho
I am grateful I have what someone wants
Its a gift i have been given, a present to pass on
Any lengths, I am willing
And soooo grateful for what I have been given

Gossip Kills

I fell into the trap of taking inventory and commenting
on a recovering alcoholic who is in the news
on my blog this week
And now I dont feel good

I took his inventory
I took the Steps inventory
I took ALL old timers inventory
I became disillusioned
and suddenly became afraid of long term sobriety
what has it really got to offer ?
does his recent actions mean the steps dont work
Does something happpen and it all changes
What happens to old timers?
Oh My God

Well I have to be honest

I cant be the only one who has ever thought it
And as I have thought it before and I will think it again
GOD help me

The fact is
I dont know if he did the steps
I dont know if he did it thoroughly
I dont know if he continues, improves and passes it on
I dont know if he comes to AA
I dont even know him

So I need to Mind My Own Business
This programme is working for me
When I work it
I need to get on with my own recovery
and get off my self righteous hilltop
stop being arrogant
and leave the poor B*s*t*rd alone
in fact leave everybody alone

God knows will I ever get to long term sobriety ?
I have no idea
Well then... get on with today
and Shut up!

my teeth hurt (am gritting them)
God Bless you all, and I wish you all well


I said Shut up
End of!!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Everybody's normal until you get to know them

We are not saints. P60

Its true
Everyone has issues, flaws, problems, difficulties

Some just live live with them
Some get help to overcome them

Some of them are destructive to other
Some are destructive to self

Some are a problem/difficulty for you and not to me
Some are a problem/difficulty for me and not for you

Having just caught the end of a TV programme, where
a woman just killed herself cos when she was found
out for mental and physical cruelty to her future step
son. Again, its mental illness, no one listened,
no one knew what she went through, so she just
believed what she was doing was ok, and so the cycle of abuse
contiunues... until someone says no and stands by it

To find out that anything I have done for a long period of time
is actually not helping me, and or the people around my
is not something that pleases me, however nowadays I welcome
the truth, its a chance to change for the better.

As in a previous post, I do not understrand the mind of a
child abuser, because I am not one, nor a psychopath!!
and I am grateful for that.

But I do understand a little of the closed mindedness that leads
to destructive behaviour. If we dont want to change we will not.
Even if its illegal or destructive, at the point of finding
out what we do is detructive, is the point where we have to make a
choice, either
SURRENDER and Go to any lengths to recover
Go on to the bitter end, thinking only of our very selfish selfs
and not changing, in fact in many cases worsening.

The Big Book talks about this choice P24/P25
One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58
This is Self will, arrogance...closed minded, unteacheable

The fact that my life was so unmanageable and not getting any better
was as the result of my drinking and my refusal to accept any help for anything.
Its true, I didnt really make any SERIOUS attempts to change
because I arrogantly (closed mindedly) thought i was ? ok, well as ok as I could be, you know, i was like how I was cos of my ? childhood. I didnt know that there was any other way, I didnt know I didnt have to be "ucked up and I didnt know anyone who had been abused and seemed to live a normal life. I mean who talks about child abuse outside of self help groups, samaritans and Kilroy, and Oprah ?? you dont get many well people talking about how they overcome it and live a normal life...do you ?

Yes I found both in AA
I found women who had abuse similar to mine
an they had overcome their difficulties
they did not shut the door on it
they had archived it approriately
dealt and dealing with it
and brought it out to show me and evidence
AA works on anything
I got hope and willingness to accept Spriritual help
just maybe this could work for me

Step1, Child abuse affects my life
Step2, Yes I came to believe the steps, and AA
could "just maybe" restore me to some sanity
or at least make it a little better" on this area
of my life
Step3, Leave it in Gods hands and Gods Time
Just for today I will not tackle all my life problems
Just do today, today
Step4, All the resentments, fears, the truth (as I saw it)
Step5, We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle P66
Step6, Yes am very ready to let go of my old ideas, try and not alow the old ideas and thinking hold me back...well at least try, let Go
Have some compassion for that little girl I was, If a little girl
came up and told me what had happened to her, would I be as hard on her
as I had been to myslef all these years? No.
Well then, have some compassion. DO IT.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick P66
Pray for the B**t*rds!!

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67

Step7, God could and would help me to overcome this stuff
So I asked him, in prayer, to take care of me, change me

Step 8, he was on my list, but was taken off, I hadnt harmed him
the others, not on my list, they disappeared in Step4/Step10

Step 9, not applicable. big Book doesnt suggest we make amends to ourselves

Step 10, This I need to do again this week
I need to contimue to take inventory on it, the fact I have been posting
on this and thinking about it, shows me I need to at least be willing
to sit and take inventory, its come up and I feel uncomfortable
blogging about it, dont know why, am just doing it anyway.

Step11, Will continue to pray on this, I trust God will take care of me
I will continue to seek through prayer and meditation to seek Gods Will for me

Step 12, having had a Spiritual Awakening on this area of my life, I can tell you
I am no longer a victim of child abuse, I survived it, and now I am living each day. I am under no illusion my past may affect future relationships, and will
continue to be honest open minded and willing to address it as it comes up.
To sit theorising in a counselling session seems a little SELF WILLED. I do not need to know why I am like I am or how it may affect me/the other person TODAY.

Honesty, willingness, openmindness, Humility
Keys to freedom

Note to self... take inventory on this TODAY
Stop thinking about it and just do it

The fact that I am a recovering alcoholic
or recovered alcoholic
or just an alcoholic
Is no excuse for continuing any behaviour which
is destructive to self or others
It doesnt explain my actions
nor does it excuse it

ok I need a bath

Prison Service

Today I went to Brixton prison
2nd time to do a chair

I wasnt sure if prison service is for me yet
I decided to give it one more go
AA would not send a woman in a mens prison
if it didnt think it was safe
Tried and tested
And God would take care of me

God did it again
All the wings had been moved around
The set up was different
the meeting was more like a AA meeting outside
I felt safe, more able to be myself

It really shows me that
Alcohol affects all people regardless of
nationality, skin colour, sex, town
Also it is possible to make live this
programme within the walls of prison

there was a guy there today, he has at least another
two years to go inside
he sponsors people, and he said someone had asked him
to sponsor him only today, and he would need to ask his sponsor
this is so wonderful how it works

Am grateful for praying this week for my fear to be removed
Am gratful I turned up and carried the message
Am grateful to have this on my doorstep
Am grateful to have something to give
Even if it if just hope, there is a solution

Note to self...
Standing in the prison looking up
there is the netting just above my head
to stop things getting chucked down
the cells are all above
constant dull roar of chatter
shouting and the odd yell
constant movement
prisoners moving up and down the hall
not paying attention to me, just doing their thing
queuing to bring their linen
huddles down the hall
leaning over the balcony
something going on everywhere
Lots of men, who looked like boys
Britains misunderstood
Britains forgotten
Britains no idea what to do with?
Silent homeless
Some unteachable
Some looking for something
I was not afraid
At this moment I was in prison
I was locked in this place
I didnt know when they would escort us out
We needed someone with a key
For a moment I felt Powerless
I just was
Almost invisible
No one paid attention to the 3 of us
outside of the meeting I was no-one
So I just stood and waited to be escorted
out through locked gates, locked doors
through the courtyard
the razorwire
in the sunshine
to the outside
picked up my mobile phone
and walked outside to freedom

Another note to self
The constant noise and activity
coming at my ears and eyes
from every direction in that hall
it reminded me of my workplace
I work in an openplan office
somedays I am surrounded by
noise, telephones, chatter
its the same effect on my senses
fascinating and humbling at the same time

next ones September....

Saturday, July 21, 2007

defect driven action - Stop it

Stopping the cycle of destruction

Why are we having this conversation?
I dunno, you started it

Do you accept what happened this week ?
What do you mean ?

Are you sorry ?
That implies I did something wrong

Do you think you did?

Society does
I know, but what i did, was not wrong

You think am sick right ?
yes, I know you are

Whats sick mean ?
Sick, flawed, imperfect, very human, like me

I am like you? Am I not bad then?
bad ?

what you are referring to?
socially unacceptable behaviour

What do you mean ?
Blank stare
Socially unacceptable what...illegal?

No not really, both ok about it
No one got hurt
So whats the problem?

the court doesnt see it like that
ok so in your opinion no one got hurt
and the other person
they are not hurt
are you sure ?
yes no scars
are you sure?
no violence
are you sure ?
what do you mean

What I mean is, we often have no idea of the effect
they would tell me right if it wasnt right?

Well then how am i supposed to know if they dont tell me?
Ok this is how it is

There are a few suggestions to follow
a few are traditionally followed in the UK
these were implemented years ago
so if you want to live in the UK
please follow these
they fit with many groups on society
they help us all to hang together

Ok, so if I set my behaviour along with this
What I did was not socially acceptable

So what now?
If your will is not in line with Gods
then stop doing it

But no-one was hurt
yes they are Stop doing it

I dont want to explain anymore tonight
All I know is

Eventually God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
When we act out on defects of character
We end up miserable FACT
its not always apparant that its misery
as misery can become a way of life
narrow minded, self centred,

What happened this week was that someone had been behaving
in a socially unacceptable manner
believing that his actions were justified
completely acting in selfish, self seeking, arrogant
Closed minded, control freakish, self centred, self willed
Was brought before UK justice

Closed minded, unteachable, unwilling to change
on this area of his life believing that it was ok

His thought of others was DRIVEN BY SELF SEEKING MOTIVE

he is not willing to give up, change, abstain from
behaving in this manner

God will remove the problem/defects from us if we want it
If we dont want it, we must be removed from the situation
to protect ourselves and others until we do or can,
this is my experience with some of my dificulties

In the end Gods takes care of us
Some die, some get removed from society, incarcerated

I dunno where am going with this one, I dont very often sit
and form opinions on things, perhaps i need too.

I have given up trying to understand the closed mind
of the psychopaths, paedophiles and serial killers of this world
Not because I cant be bothered,

NOW I understand, that I do not understand them because I
am not one!! So I stop judging and trying to change them
they do not want to be changed because they do not see that
they need to. Change is for people who want it.

Incarceration will not make people change
It does however give people a chance to change and be changed
Its just another solution which works for some and not for others
There is no solution which works for everyone
We have found one which works for us
total abstinence, from the object of our obsessive thinking

For alcohol, we suggest total abstinence
some of us stop with the help of AA and the rooms
Some need to rehab, to be taken out of daily life, no distractions
Some get help other ways and
Some cannot do either and eventually die

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.P58

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.P83

This is a statement, not an option.

the end

Page refs big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Some junk mail I recvd this week

The Benefits of White Wine!
Brewers Association of Great Britain

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better
and more confident about yourself and your actions.

White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost
immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine!


White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who
are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister and can even result in incarceration.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a Wally. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex -
without spitting! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked!

Monday, July 16, 2007

People are kind and me i made progress

Its lovely when clients appreciate
what we do and send us presents
Today, we got a case of really expensive
Italian wine
Boss asked me how many I wanted
"I'll take 3 please"

Its bizarre how I can do this nowadays
Its not long ago infact its aboout 6 months ago
that I would have said no
or said yes and left it under the table at work
in fact I did that about 3-4 months ago
and not had any alcohol in the house
because it would shout at me or I would be scared

at the moment it seems to be ok
when if/it isnt i'll do something about it
Its not for me, I am under no illusion TODAY
and I plan to give some of it away
like when I go see people for dinner etc

Anyway nice to be appreciated sometimes

God and the first 100 AA members popped in today for
an update and gently but firmly asked....
"So the promises came true for you the Johno ?" Yeh I guess
"So have finally you stopped fighting anything and everyone?" umm yes
"So have you been placed in a position
of neutrality then around alcohol?"
er yes seems so
"And your sane right ?" well i dunno on that one,
around booze, yeh seems it most of the time
"But your seldom interested in liquor?" you bet!!
"If tempted, Do you recoil from it as from a hot flame?" absolutely
"So you react sanely and normally, and it seems to have happened automatically?" yeh most of the time
"Hows that happened then?" I dunno, it just did the steps, came after Step 9
just like you said it would

"Thats right Johno...That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. its all there page P85" "You are just like us, not special or different see?"

you (the Great you) you are so right,
and I dont see my progress,

Thank for popping in Dudes!!
"Glad to see it still works Johno (When you work it),
now dont rest on your laurels mind, or there will be trouble"


I dont understand how they do it

For my work, I often collate health information
which need to be accurate
as possible
So its interesting sometimes when I get to the drink and drugs
part of the form

No client is present when I get the form
I just send the info down the line
Today there was one form for a man and wife,
on it was

Do you drink alcohol ? yes
On average how many units per week ?
(one unit is a small glass of wine, i/2 pint of beer
or a spirit measure)
He drank on average 2 units a week
She drank 1 unit on average per week

? I dont understand this ?
Why would anyone drink 1 measure a week
whats the point ?
or even two ?
or even 3 ?
and how do you do it?
week in week out ?

Today I got stuck on this question
and it took about 15 minutes for me to move on
to the next it didnt matter, no one was there

No I didnt ring them up to ask them "Are they sure?"

I am reminded on at least a weekly basis
that the amount I drank per week was far above average
and I do not understand how people can
just have a couple A WEEK
beats me!!

Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people.

All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving
Page ref Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity

When I came to Step 2
I really had trouble that I could be
restored to anything remotely resembling sane
or well adjusted, or normal, or better, or well
And this Power/God thing
I have no faith in any God
The God and religeos people I know
I definitely dont want to be like them
I had a huge roadblock of Predjudice
and I dont know how to get connected anyway
and i dont think I want to
am not worthy and I am scared of what normal
well adjusted is, I have never been it
not sure I will be able to cope with normal
even if i get it
so i'll have to stay as I am (GULP)

My Sponsor suggested to me to
"Trust the process" (the steps)
How could I trust it? I cant tust anything
I dont know how to trust
anyway the obsession to drinks lifted
But I got all these other problems
perhaps am not really an alky
perhaps I need to be somewhere else
for all these other problems
one toe edging towards the door
the others nailed to the floor
I needed to to find openmindedness
I did trust someone... My Sponsor
She had faith and I trusted her
It was enough to start with

It was suggested to me to"Take a look around AA"
"Listen out for others"
"Were there any others who also had had
similar problems to me?

After more and more meetings
going for coffee, listening loads
I had to say yes
"And what did they do to overcome these
other problems ?"
I could see they had done/were doing the steps
"Does it say anywhere in the literature
that it will work for them and not for you?

No, But...
"Well then... trust the process"
How longs it gonna take ?
"It doesnt say how or when this sanity gets restored"
er ok

So I came to believe "Just maybe" this COULD work for me too
Step 2 doesnt promise anything to us
It asks us to believe in a power Greater than ourselves
At this Stage for me it was the Steps
The evidence in the rooms
LIVING PROOF that these 12 steps works on everything

There are people I considered
More mental, less mental than me
craved more for drink, craved less than me
it works for all
I had to surrender
become Openminded

I could see from my drinking history
and how I tried to manage alcohol and life
and it was definitely not normal
insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting a different result
I definitely did alot of that!!
And as for all my other problems

Quite as important was the discovery that
spiritual principles would solve all my problems
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Before a meeting someone said
*Surrender to Win*

So the journey was
It wasnt gonna work for me
I did it anyway - anylengths
I was wrong
I am glad

Ps I am now normal HA HA NOT
I am now Extra-Ordinary!!
and I like it that way
who wants to be normal anyway?

Back to basics

Its clear from the last 7 days
that I needed to up my meetings
at the moment

when it was just me
going through steps
doing suggestions
it all became effortless
for a while after Step 9
the pink cloud
then the sponsee
all progressing
Gods in charge
I dont know
Only have my experience
and what I have observed in others
No big deal really
Am just landing off my cloud

Whats happening is
God seems to be enough
Sponsee is using fellowship
and other outside help for
a really important area of her life
which is really a blessing for me
because I have NO experience in that area
Am grateful to have that and to be able to
gently firmly push her in that direction
encouraging its not a weakness to accept outside help
the skill is to find out who is the Best
and build that relationship, make use of them!!
especially when they are free
and they seem to really help when she asks the right questions

So Everythings going well
I got what I wanted and needed
Hole in soul filled
Am now learning how to maintain and improve
No longer the 'ucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional
So whats happening is
after all that exertion
that feeling that I needed help, someone to be there
now its not the case
no longer needing Sponsor to be there
(it feels unfamiliar but ok at the same time)
yet I hear other people post Step9 always on the phone
to their sponsors about their sponsees
i dunno, maybe I just got lucky with this one
or did i just listen well?
I dunno
am just grateful

Its all going ok BUT

I needed get over myself
what was fine and dandy for me
ie. 2-3 meetings a week & other service
is not enough (at the moment)
for me with a sponsee
and I need to continue to talk to new people
Sponsees are a gift, not my right
They are not my HP

I trust that just like everythinge else
If I keep on
back to basics
this Sponsoring stuff will all become
effortless or something like that at somepoint
aslong as i keep practicing

It does get lonely though
now am not getting the attention!!
I just have to accept am part of a fellowship
No better or worse
No lesser or greater
All part of the Growing up process
in becoming responsible

And acceptance is the answer...
Everythings exactly as its meant to be
Trust the Process
It Works if I work it
It dont if I dont

God I have faith
God I have doubts
God am just gonna get on and do it anyway
I trust in you absolutely

Grateful to be sober and part of


Some guitar buddies suggested I join it
So I have joined it
Set up a page as me
Thats me my passport me

Its kinda like blogging the first time
writing stuff
putting myself out there
all my likes
me myself and I
and not knowing whats gonna happen next

Its interesting how my head goes
First thought is they'll know who/what I am
Self centered to the extreme
Really who gives a damn?
tell the truth

Just like blogging
you can put as much or as little on it as i like
Then there are networks
others with same interests
people just hook up for a chat
theres a main page where people can instantly see me
God help me

Its the real thing
It can be used for friendship to dating
just putting self out there for me
see what happens

Had an interesting chat with a guy last night
When he messaged me
Firstly it took 10mins for me to work out how to reply
then we had a bit of a chat
I know what he looks like now
and bizarre, he was sitting in the same part of london
as me, less than 1km away

more importantly for me
progressing into the outside world
its clear on my profile i want friendship (thats all)
building friendships is plenty enough
to be going on with for me
progress is
having a conversation with a guy
without flirting
without giving everything about me away
without lying
without hanging onto his everyword
without feeling desperate
me saying Goodnight first
Without guilt
Without obsessive thinking about tomorrow
Without a fear that he may not get in touch again
with a feeling that it would be ok if he did
its all progress

Hounds of Love

This version i really like

I never knew what was good for me
Am so glad I listened to you (the great you)


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Darthmatic Chipmunk

thanks Twelve Beads Embed - sorted!!

Come on Guys it is Saturday

Keep Coming Back

Went and collected some pictures I have had framed

I also have another one which fits in a gap
but doesnt have a frame
(In fact its the Michaelangelo Hands
God and Adam picture on my blog)
Poster size
and I am weary about putting a frame on it
because it may not fit in the gap with the frame
and I dont want to waste my money
and I dont want to guess
and i dont want the resentment of it being done wrong
So am stuck and it remains unframed
....Yeh see I cant think like normal people

So I asked the question at the frame factory
"Do I measure the picture? cos it has to fit in a gap and
I dont want it to not fit when you put a frame on it "

He said no
measure the gap and I will work with that measurement

Simple really
why didnt I think of measuring the frikkin gap?

Step 8

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. P59
I made a list
My sponsor helped me understand the difference
Between a harm
and being a pest, annoying and down right thoughtless

Robbing someone of there peace of mind
which I did to my parents
Not being in touch with my brother
for years on end

Main obstacle
inability to get past my own resentments
prevented me ever looking at my part and blocked
all sense of the truth from both angles

The 12x12 talks abouth the obstacles on step 8
one of them being a not doing a thorough inventory
Thankfully I did

However this is what I needed to do
I spent 18months praying and cultivating
a relationship with a loving God
In a very englightening Step 5, 6 and 7 period
and Praying for all them people on my harms list
even at times the ones we eventually knocked off
I had let go absolutely
God completely was running my recovery
And it was lovely

No one told me I had to
Its just the way it happened
There are no coincidences
I was "groomed" by a Loving God
Am happy to call Him
And I trust Him absolutely
When the student is ready, the teacher appears
Time was given time
Time is a great Healer
(I believe right action speeds up the Healing)
I have a Good Spiritual Surgeon (the Best)

It just came to me from the inside out
I realised the true meaning of FORGIVENESS
I realised that in Step 8 i had to forgive first
forgive all the fancied and or real stuff that
I perceived was done to me
BEFORE i could take a look at Step 9
Thats what I got from Step 8
I became willing really willing

Without consciously trying to forgive
Just simply by going through the steps
as laid out in the big book
I also forgave those who has damaged me 30 years ago
they were knocked off my Step8 list
I hadnt harmed them
somehow, God did for me what I and no human and
no vast sums of money and legal justice could ever do
I forgave and let go REALLY let go

The past does not hold me back from living in today

Prayer - works
God is

We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. P66

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67
this became my mantra

Love = forgiveness

Its becoming more and more effortless
natural, organic
This is the easier softer way

Essential for Step 8 = A Sponsor
Essential for Step 8 = Willingness
Essential for Step 8 = Steps 1-7

All page refs AA Big Book

Grteful for my homegroup tonight
Topic Step8 from the Big Book

I dont care anymore how it works
its just so damn brilliant

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Listen for the similarities - magic words ME TOO

Did a chair last night
Just did it
From the heart
Tell the truth
what it was like
what happened
what it is like now

Although I dont talk alot about
other stuff I "used" and "did"
I do list a few things... difficulties... problems
Although they dont make me alcoholic
It IS part of my experience
They are my Difficulties (step3)
This programme and God (as I understand Him)
has helped me overcome
and stop doing, they have been taken away

A complete stranger came upto me after
asked me to talk with her friend
they had come in late to the meeting
she too self harmed and felt too 'ucked up
she has only been in a few days
I said that I too had felt too 'ucked up
I was too was convinced it would not work for me
AA didnt give up on me
AA's didnt give up on me either
They said just keep coming back
Do the suggestions
Day at a time
Pick up the phone before you pick up a knife or finger nails
or any other sharp object
and IT HAS worked
and I am very glad that I was wrong
and there is no reason why it won't work for her too

She left a message for me today
To thank me
she feels something shifted last night
and she felt better today

I remember when that isolation shield
began crumpling under the strain
it eventually gave way

I am no longer alone
Neither is she

Am grateful that I have gone from
Being too frightened to speak
Being too crippled inside to feel
Speaking the Language of the Heart
and shining a light of hope directly
into her heart for a brief moment
she felt that me too, there's someone like me

AA you did that for us last night
You (the great you) and God


Recovery, Unity, Service

Monday, July 09, 2007

Am I now old AND sensible ?

Concert was Cool

Got there well early
There was a sign blocking the view
I asked and they took it down!?

Someone else suggested asking for better seats
As the sideview our section had was not so good
Due to the stage being further forward
than shown on the booking chart
So went to see, and they changed the ticket
Better view

This shows me its the Good is the Enemy of the best!!
I had a Good seat, and I saw better was on offer
I wanted the best I could get
I asked for it and Got a Better view than I had
It cost me no extra
Put in the action, let go of the outcome
I would have accepted a no and stuck with Good
Got to read a few chapters of my book in the sunshine
While the stadium filled up
Great background music

Heres the sensible bit
I didnt know the last song
So I left before the most of the other 55,000 people did

This meant I got a cuppa tea on the way to the station
a not jammed packed train back to London
and got home well before Midnight

Genesis yeh still played like precise, flawless as ever
BUT its true they are aging

I have realised for a while now
I do not like looking at AGED shaven headed men (or women for that matter)
Shaved, not bald
Its come to a HEAD tonight
Seeing the on very big screens
I am not gonna go on.... its just an intolerence I have
But I maybe gonna look out for some younger bands
To go and see next

One good things about seeing aging bands
Its all quite sensible... not mad
I was surrounded by 1980's tour T-shirts
I think I have one of these too in a suitcase somewhere
And they were playing some songs over 30 years old
So the average age of the audience must have been
Hmmm let me see.... OLD

ps. on reflection, I also have a problem bearded people
though not so strong TODAY
hairy or no hairy YOU cant win
the problem is in me!!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Genesis - Turn it on Again

If like me, you are going to Twickenham to see 'em
this afternoon.... have fun!!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired - today am lonely ?

Today I felt restless irritable discontented
took inventory
left message on Sponsors v/mail
even hearing the sound of my own voice
revealed nothing to me

Started to feel Alone
Wanted something
but not from something/person
I just wanted to know what was wrong

what came was I am needy
Needing to know exactly what was wrong NOW
in my time, instant comfortableness please
then no your just Lonely, your problem is you are just lonely
A Solution go to a meeting ?

Yeh went to a meeting
Went for coffee, talked with some fellows
I WAS holding something back
theres something I did this week
that was just blocked me off from being myself

I went to another meeting
the my problem revealed itself
not by anyone
It just came

I may have an amend to make
not sure, so i left a message for Sponsor
Briefly explained my problem & that I need help
Its nor something I want to discuss with other AA's
GOSSIP KILLS and somethings ARE just for Sponsors ears only

Its bizarre, I haven't had much to speak with
her about lately which is not a problem
although today I started wondering whether
I had become arrogant
I do not think this is the case
Although I dont know that either, and I dont need to today

Will see what happens
I accept I will make mistakes
My problem is not falling victim of my own perfectionism
Other people are more forgiving of me than I am myself

Inventory, prayer meditation, meetings, talking, listening
All helped to cut through the unnecessary
To reveal the root of my problem

An action I made this week driven by
Arrogance, self righteousness & fear & selfishness
Has resulted in me feeling uncomfortable
Wrong motives

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so.P62

Put in the action, let Go of the outcome
Thank God I do not have to do life Alone
Its impossible

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid.P62

Page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Working with others

Thank God for Newcomers
Really showing me
AA's have been with me
I made up my own rules
I had skewed perception
I had selective hearing
I Cant live with AA, dont want to live with out it
I Dont want to do anything, but cant do nothing anymore
I used cafeteria method
I was AM Self will run riot
All stuff I have said myself and heard said to me this week

Am Working hard
at working WITH others
at not being a control freak
at not being manipulated
cutting through the unnecessary
finding the root of the problem

Accepting I am not here to please
I am just carrying a message
I am powerless over other peoples reactions

I am just an AA sponsor
Not the font of all knowledge

Willing to go to any length
Willing to let go
Willing to do whatever you have for me to do God
Show me

Day at a time
Have faith

Thank God for Inventory, Prayer & Meditation
Thank God for Working with Others

Friday, July 06, 2007

Grateful for the ordinary IT IS Extra-Ordinary!!

Been to gym 3 times this week 3 times last week
Yoga class
Works work just ordinary this week
Home groups extra ordinary
Sun hardly shined
guitar course came to an end
Sponsee making progress
Been in Conversation with God alot this week
Passed a few messages on!!
Enquired about some career progression
Am healthy
Am Grateful
Thank God for Inventory
Looking forward to the weekend

Even the ordinary is Extra ordinary
when I compare it to what it was like 4 years ago
Freaking heck!!
Friday night, I would be drinking my way to oblivion and incontinence

Its all one big miracle :-)

Have a good one!!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 4th July

If you are celebrating today
Stay safe & enjoy!!

Not sure whether to go or not ?
Go or stay away, thats what the big book suggests on p102
whichever is BEST

If you're abit shakey, restless, irritable, discontented
and you don't know whats best YET (I didnt in early days)
GO to a meeting instead

July 4th will come around next year, so just because you can't
relax and enjoy YET, its no reason to think you never will
Life does get better once the "Steps" treatement kicks in

Its no good sitting around drinking coccasions
with a long face, feeling miserable, thinking about the
"Good" old days. Or sitting restless, irritable and discontented
because we THINK we should be enjoying ourselves and
actually we are not

Solution- See it as an opportunity for service
Solution - work with another alcoholic instead

Do some washing up, go talk to someone, offer to give someone a lift home
Call up another alcoholic or Go to a meeting

If you are feeling like you "have to go" I found calling up someone in the
fellowship before it started, and perhaps during the occasion helped
also Praying, asking to be kept sober & safe for them next x hours
checking in woth someone for 5mins during really helped.

And or Go to a meeting earlier in the day, AND OR afterwards!!

See what the first 100 members suggested
Bottom of p101 "You will note.....
down to ......God will keep you unharmed" bottom of p102
Big Book

First Things First

It works for me aswell !!

P101-102 its all in there

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Home Groups - Stick With The Winners

Home groups for me are where I get to see
how the Steps works on other people (and they in me)
by WATCHING and LISTENING to them.
And going for coffee after and doing the same (for ages)

As I turned up week after week, I saw how the meeting worked
how it got set up, SERVICE in action
I saw the people change, straighten up, lighten up, smile,
look weller etc, these people were doing the STEPS,
they shared about RECOVERY
and how they used the programme in their lives.
I asked the secretary to consider me when
jobs (SERVICE positions) came up in the group.

Even though I generally felt very uncomfortable,
they gave me hope.
I felt more comfortable in certain meetings but they
havent ended up my home group.

In EARLY days it can be tempting to sit in meetings
listening to people sharing about problems and confusion,
same old week after week, it natural, because its where we are at too.

My SPONSOR pointed me in the direction of Meetings
that were RECOVERY focussed, rather than problem focussed.
Once I had identified my problem, it was time to look for the solution.

I've been tempted to go to struggling meetings,
Sponsor suggested not.

I was to get to the very BEST meetings,
a good suggestion i found.

Look for the upbeat recovery focussed people are
Find the BEST meetings where the comfy,
happy, friendly, helpful people are,
those who CONSISTANTLY encourage

Home groups are for me NOW are where I go and
pass on the message of recovery, and along with the Group,
we try to make it as welcoming to the newcomer as possible,
we have fellowship an hour before the meeting starts,
a break in the middle and food after, again for fellowship.
We turn up early and leave late,

The newcomer IS a sick friend

Like if you were inviting someone home
You WOULD be there before they arrived, prepared
and wouldnt leave and go to bed til they'd gone

There are lots of people going through the steps,
all willing to share their experience with each other,
provide encouragement before and after the meeting.

There are lots of men and women available to sponsor.

Its a friendly safe place.

Try ALL the meetings. No contempt prior to investigation.

My home groups now, I wouldnt have touched with a
barge pole in my early days... they were all much to well
sorted for me!! Now I am I fit ? dare I say (perfectly:-)

Shows me that in early days I need to take suggestions,
Because I have no idea!!

Theres an AA book called The Home Group heart beat of AA,
its got lots of AA's experiences of what a home group means to them,
taken from Grapevine AA's Journal.
shows you it

Lovin it

Monday, July 02, 2007

Writing an article

Blogging is relatively easy
It means more to me that you
and thats ok, its a choice

I volunteered to write an article
I made a commitment pass on some experience
Had to glue my ass to the seat last few evenings
and just 'uckin do it

Its abit like doing guitar lessons
Its fun when I pick and choose my favourite tunes off the internet
BUT Getting down to the homework I have been set, takes much more effort

Yeh as always, no-ones holding a gun to my head
But this is service
And it helps me grow, talking with the "editor"
The inevitable "chopping bits out"
Ego puncture

he didnt give me a set number of words to start with
Bad move son!!
he just said write and we'll reduce it after

Any way 1st draft sent off tonight
10 days early

Let Go now

gym programme done tonight EXACTLY what she set me
Now thats magic
enDolphins ? are working in me

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Sponsee's going to anylengths

Progress not Perfection

Anyway inspite of obstacle after obstacle she got here
a few hours of History

I too often learn more on the "journey" than I do at the destination, sometimes I prefer to stay on the journey

There's always more than one way to skin a cat, sometimes I cant go from A-B
I have to go A-C-D-E-B thankfully in London there are lots of ways to get somewhere but it sometimes takes longer than I had planned.

AND I cleaned my flat up !!