Hand in Hand with Fear and Pride

Aswell as getting on with it
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!

Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway

yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..

step 10's

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow

henriffic!

i'm off to dust some skirting boards

Heating somehow fixed itself!?

had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!

ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in

you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see

feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!

reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
continue
improve
pass it on..

as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder

For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises
:)

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is


is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?

Just thinking whether I think about everything?

Paranoia
Do you think to much
overanalyse
?



Or think about what you think about me
or think you think what I think
or think about me
as much as I think you think about me or would like you to
or whether I think you dont think about me atall
I also think that what I think is not
always what you really think
but sometimes what I think must be true
because my thinking isnt always wrong
I dont think
anyway I think I have got over my paranoia
that you think I overanalyse
and assume you always think the worst of me
because I know what you think
because you think like do.. dont you?
or am i the only one taht thinks like this
infact am I the only one left in this world that thinks?
if only the world thought like me
it would be a better place!
and obviusly you spend far more time thinking about me
than I do about you
infact you must spend at least as much time thinking about me as I do about you
if you dont I will be offended
because I think I am that important
in my world which you obviously are the centre of
I think
anyway I am going to bed to think about what you are thinking
...about me obviously!

what do you think?
am I paranoid and overanalyse?
:D I thought I would add the smiley face
incase you think I am being serious
which I dont think I am
or perhaps having thought about it
I am
although I think today I can laugh about the insanity
of my thinking past and present and future

Seriously...
When I catch myself at any of this
it leads to FEAR
which leads to isolation
or reacting behaviour
wrong motives!
which inevitably lead to
further resentment
and thinking!
Feck!

OR it is because
I have acted driven by a defect
which doesnt sit well
pricks my Good/God conscience
resulting in me thinking, worrying (FEAR and pride)
needing to take inventory
and pray for the defects to be removed
and forgiveness... of God.. not always off the person
like it says in step 10

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. P86

Thank God for Step 9
where I got to make the deal
I would try and behave diferently in future
Thank God for Step 5
where I learned it was and IS safe to admit to anoth AA human (sponsor)
Thank God for Step 10
where I get to get my thoughts out there
Thank God for Step 12
where I get to ask for help, my sponsor passes onto me what her sponsor passed onto her

"other people cannot SEE the madness in OUR heads!"

ahem... I dont think!!

Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.p99,100

Strength
Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.

From Inner Space

Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong
powerless

It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
acceptance
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real

Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go

It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!

I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
controlling
thoughtless
confusing
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference

I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt

Am I being judgemental?
Yes
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
yes
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt

Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
friendship?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others

Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100

Asking for help - Getting honest - Step 6

I have bounced again
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again

I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am

seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!

Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time

anyway
I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
occasionaly
but more often than not

I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right

I am self centred
selfish
self seeking
slothful
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true

I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying

Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore

I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier
BULL SHIT!!

Change has to starts now...

I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is

Time to take action
AGAIN

Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?

God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out

My attitude needs changing NOT the other persons

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness

When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL

I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this

This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary

Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.

We must, or it kills us!

God makes that possible.

And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.

Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62

I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)

Like clockwork - set your clock Johno - take responsibility from today

28 days ago

tuesday 28 days previous

3 months evidence is enough!

I have managed to get someones back up
amends have been made

I am not perfect at restraint of tongue and pen
though I do try

BUT I have not kept a check on my pmt
therefore I take a certain amount of reponsibility

even though I am aware of how destructive
my tongue and pen and keyboard
can be during this time

Flippin 'eck
the road gets narrower

when I know better
I really do have a responsibility
to do better!!!

The innocent deserve to be protected!
how much longer do I want to spend
taking my own inventory on this same old same old?
not much!!
then Do Not delay!

ok, enough analysis - THERE IS A SOLUTION!
Do I have a desire to stop all this
this randomness and lashing my keyboard/tongue/attitude
when I know damn well what causing it?
Yes I have a desire!

Take steps & hand it over to a power greater than me!
1. pmt screwing my thinking & my tongue & keyboard became unmanageable
2. do i believe it will make a diference if I diarise ? yes
3. Am I willing to diarise it and take responsibility
now I know what the solution is? yes
4. what is the root cause of all this? sloth and self will
I havent bothered & I think I can remember
5. I've told you & god
6. Am I willing to hand it over to the diary and do the right thing? or continue in the way I have been? yeh I want to change the things I can
7. Will I hand over all of me including my sloth and self will to God? yes
8. have I harmed anyone? yes
9. am I willing to make amends? yes I did already
10. will I continue to do this and if I dont, admit it? yeh ok!!
11. will I continue to seek out gods will in all areas and the power to carry it out? yes
12. Now I know how it works, will I pass it on, and practice these principles on all my difficulties in all my affairs? yes

I still have no desire... hmm when i was writing that I suddenly realised I am starting to have the desire to get in to work for 9am, cos I am theres abit of me that is wanting it and its growing. I am still praying twice a day for the willingness to change my attitude to 9am starts by the way. Both Monday and Today 9am starts!

There is no way anyone is going to convince me that praying doesnt work or there is no God!

The gifts of sobriety
progress not perfection

Stick with the Winners - Have faith, stop fighting and throw in the towel

Spent some time today
talking with my yoga teacher
about letting go
of attachment

And how what I have been given
I am now hanging onto
like its life and death
and I didn realise I was
afraid of not having it
without even thinking
it would be ok without
and how in a past life...
I managed and was actually happy
without the material thing in question

I cant do everything I want, when I want
and what I can do, I cant always do it when I want

Pride... self centredness... impatience
and lack of faith or hanging onto the corner of the towel
or self will run riot!
Terrier like! Born terrier!

Also went to my
Homegroup tonight
still my Homegroup
old friends still there, newcomers getting well
even though its not so regular now for me
I have missed that enthusiasm
for IT

Being around winners is humbling and rejuventating
I am grateful

I needed reminding of whats important
Gods will is Good
God loves Terriers

Resentment #1 Fear held me back now I see it

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. P62

A desire
attention seeking
self seeking
seeking approval
selfish
starting to resent people, becoming a victim
allowing myself to be manipulated and resenting it

They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves.p73 (see this applies to step10's aswell as step 4, get to the root! dont hold back)

I got to the root this evening
Self centred Fear and pride
yes I knew that last night
but I didnt really know where this had come from?
well guess what I did (see I am a text book case p73 above)
I remember thinking
I am not applying for a management position
because I am afraid of failure and what people think of me
and its a new experience
working with people below and above me on the "food" chain
What I did was, said I wasnt applying
because it conflicts with my studies
and to take on anything new at the moment is not practical
hmmmm sounds like a sensible decision doesnt it?
I agree

BUT see motives are everything
I remember thinking, I am afraid
I remember having a conversation about why I was
not applying and feeling, what I am saying
"this is not quite right, it is not quite the truth"
while i was saying it

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it. p73

see how I can cover a bad motive with a good motive
for all the world to see I put my studies first
the truth is I am afraid of failure
working with people with myself being in the management position
is completely out of my comfort zone
and something that always seemed so far away from
where i could ever be!

who says? me
wrong! yet another frickin old idea
thats just reached the surface and is
currently being popped!

I got honest with myself and my manager
about myself and my fear
and felt my ego puncture
both aspects
the one which goes johno you are really good nowadays way hay!
and the one which says johno you are not as good as you think you are so dont think of progressing its not worth it stay as you are, no one will notice how useless you really are!

Anyway glad to have scraped a layer off last night
and today, I feel better

one of the pigs I often wrestle with is fear

It hurt
But it really needed doing

Will this go down as a regret? a missed opportunity
because I would not get over myself?
Yeh for abit
I have to have faith
and let go of my spiritual pride
which tells me I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW
than to be afraid and always embrace
getting out of my comfort zone
immediately and never be afraid again
just because I know fear holds me back
progress not perfection dude

To thine own self be true
I am enough

THIS IS WHY FOR ME WRITTEN INVENTORY IS SO IMPORTANT
I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS TRUTH DOWN AT THE TIME
I DIDNT GET TO THE TRUTH THE ROOT AT THE TIME
THEREFORE IT STAYED IN MY HEAD
GOD KNEW OBVIOUSLY
BUT I HAD NOT ADMITTED IT TO HIM OUTWARDLY
ON PAPER NOR HAD I PRAYED FOR ANY DEFECTS TO BE REMOVED
THERFORE I WAS TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW - SELF WILL

Thanks God, the willingness came

Resentment is the number one offender... Johno you need Gods help... just do it!

Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64

whats it mean?
I for instance have a few resentments festering
which I need to do something about
but
I THINK
i have "more" important things
and because I am getting some sort of pleasure
hanging around these people
waiting for some fantastical happy ending
I predict a happy ending
even though I can see I am not in it
I still predict, which is me running the show
rather than
than letting God take over and drive me
instead I (thats me the great me)
allow the defective motives
drive my actions
and lead to the consequences
and lead me into a resentment
which fans my selfcentred fear
which pops at my pride
which fanns my fear
which leads to me thinking I should run away
and isolate
and not take part in
...not just the activity
but everything, the whole thing
ENERYTHING

I am kidding myself that
I am taking part in something
with an attitude of service!
well I am
and at the same time
I am self seeking
and have a dishonest motive
self seeking
self centred
selfish
its all about me me me
and remember... other people are sick too

I need help, my world has got small
and God now has a couple of faces
So I am not looking at God
people are not God

we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be? P53

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help. p62

Stop fighting and wrestling with the other sick Pig
two or three sick pigs wrestling makes a very big mess
you have no business going there
Leave it all alone
LET GO LET GOD

and Go to frickin bed! and pray for some willingness
and stop mucking about

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Yoga and acting dishonestly gets more difficult

I didn't race out of bed this morning
But I did get to yoga on time again
I really like this Sunday morning time
the room is VERY bright
and the teacher has a different style
to my other teacher
many positions are similar
but she comes at it from a different angle
and I like that
I'm starting to get what I wanted
seeing how to use yoga in daily life
breathing in, stillness and letting go
awareness of self, honesty, listening
I love yoga!

Dishonesty becomes more difficult
Because I choose to try and live honestly

I usually buy a monthly travelcard
which gets me practically everywhere
I need to go around town
as often as i like
which ever mode of transport
any station (within the right zones)
without me having to think

A kind of sloth occurs
regarding just spending out £x each month
afforable, and just paying it out
no question
Dont get me wrong, I dont begrudge it
I just become aware of the amount
when I can to renew and
wondered how much a pay as you go
type would cost ME for the month
with all the journeys
and whether I would find that I am spending
extra money without realising it?
a cross check on value for money I suppose

I find that certain modes namely
overland trains I cant use the pay as you go
therefore I am limited in my commute to the
hot tub(e) each day or a bus ride
and I pay again for train rides

WHERES THE DISHONESTY FIT IN?
Many trains do not have ticket barriers
or ticket checkers on the trains
at the weekends..... see whats coming?

Today, I arrange to meet up with someone
which involves leaving my station (no ticket checks)
and getting of at another (again no ticket checks)
On the way back from yoga
I check trains running
AND notice the ticket machine is broken! Hear me cheer!
So i can get away with it??? a reasonable excuse
I return later to catch the train
Enter the station.... the ticket office is open
see I NOTICED IT....
Now how hard is it to Get down onto the platform
knowing
a) I have the money
b) I have the time before the trains coming
c) I made a deal NOT to live like that where possible!
I made to go down the stairs
and by the time I got to c)
I had turned around and bought a return ticket...

Its too hard and exhausting living in a lie
Now I have crossed a line
I cant go back
no matter how much I try
There is a mental defense
that kicks in
Gods will v my will (first thought, schemes and plans)
See I listen
these little challenges check out my integrity
To act dishonestly in this instance
would have instigated fear, pride, self pity
regret in me, and possibly a penalty fine!

I feel happy about
Steps 4,5,6,7 without them
ie before
I would have just gone and got away with it
and moved on once the journey was over
without real sense of being grounded in
why I acted that way
OR i may buy a ticket, may not
depends how SELF righteous I was feeling
Like yesterday
I used a bus its rare that your tickets
are checked, so I didnt....
And now its on my conscience
I almost feel like getting on a bus an paying
and getting off again to justify my action
see I am still living yesterdays dishonesty

God gave me an opportunity to change today
What (step10) Corrective measures?.... pay up
Its my peace of mind
that suffers... all for £0.90 saving yesterday!

see ya

ps. in my own attempt to act with Integrity
Heres another post from my Food blog

To thine own self be true

Flying is not one of my passions - its a means to an end

Much praying
Much faith
much drawing on the calmness of others
and letting go
trusting God
gets me through

Our captain apologised on Wednesday morning
cos he predicted our flight so wrong
like he said we spent most of the night
shakin all over
instead of the smooth ride he predicted

My state in flight and just before
is neurotic fear - irrational
I accept that
I have no idea how to change
its gradually lessening the more do it
and the more faith I have
I actually enjoy the entertainment
and try and get my "moneys worth"
if nothing else!! thesedays
the bumpy bits do put the fear up me though!

I was watching the video to St Elmo's Fire
at the Gym and came across this!

It has changed my view
This is 9.39 minutes of ANYLENGTHS
its shows me exactly
what and aircraft DEALS WITH
extreme conditions

I have no choice to let goi of this OLD IDEA
of a plane simply being a metal cylinder
hurtling through the air
and I cant get off
there is NO randomness to flight
Its MUCH more than that
precision
years of experience
a process
skill, practice
and passion! it seems
I have to strip away my arrogance
and Let Go

If you have the time
watch the captain gives a written
commentary
the 6.30 minutes is worth waiting for!!

Crew, captains, hosts and hostesses
testers, builders and designers and God
Theres just one word that springs to mind

RESPECT

These guys are flying through Iraq
it doesnt say what kind of flight
But they have a thunderstorm one side
and Iran the other
so they have no choice but to
KEEP ON KEEPING ON!



St Elmo's Fire
St Elmo's Fire from the movie
St Elmo's Fire - The inspiration behind the lyrics

I have always loved the film and the music to St Elmo's Fire
It helped me through many a difficult
Isolation period... identification
on the silver screen

Defective, Flawed, Imperfect, Faulty, Sinner

all describe me
I am not a saint
never will be... in my living years

ALL humans are imperfect
we are what we are
I yam what I yam

We claim spiritual progress rather than
spiritual perfection

I love/hate Christmas ? Just another old idea I hang onto? - Think Think Think. I can change my attitude to this Christmas

Christmas does not at 1st thought
conjur up a lovely scene for me
complicated
forced family times
receiving presents for acts of a sexual nature
lies decieipt
hiding, uncomfortableness
FEAR

Later
hangovers
just wanting to be drunk
not feeling
blotting out the falseness of it all
buying presents for the sake of it
must i keep doing this with these people?
DISHONESTY SELF WILL SELF PITY

Later
with my choice
was lovely yes
still uncomfortable
LOVE SELF WILL SELF CENTRENESS SELF PITY

later
same choice
ex's on the scene
wondering if the police would need to be called
kids crying
will it ever be simple and angst less?
FEAR SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS PRIDE JUDGEMENTAL

Later
different again
relatives
simple
lovely
and over
AA meeting on Christmas day
vigilant around alcohol
warm
started to pray
sponsor missing AWOL
better
LOVE SELF WILL

Later
ill projectile vomitting
christmas in bed
family lovely
kids upset
Sponsor helpful
SELF CENTREDNESS SELF WILL SELF PITY

later
Home alone
Helping in homeless shelter
Sad to talk with family
Acceptance, this is what I wanted
AA meeting on xmas day
Gratitude for what I have
which is alot more than some
grateful for my fridge
central heating and clean warm bed
freedom
happy
LOVE SELF CENTREDNESS

Later
Home alone
helping in homeless shelter
home alone
one present to open on christmas day
no phone calls to me
sad
With Acceptance, that I must be careful what I pray for
I had got exactly what I had wanted
SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS SELF PITY SELFISHNESS
we think had been the root of our troubles....

I dream of Kids and santa sacks and
faces lit up with the wonder the Santa has been
I reminisce to myself
of getting to bed early
and keeping my eyes shut even when I thought I heard rustling
as "Santa" would leave my sack at the bottom of the bed
Asking my Dad when he would take the gas fire off the wall
so Santa could get down the chimney
making sure the mince pie was on the table
before I went to bed
It was NEVER there in the morning
yeh I have this memory
and I hold onto it
uncomplicated, simple, special
no strings
A reality memory which will never be taken away

This year
I will go with an attitude of giving
to be of maximum helpfulness
Brother is in relationship difficulties
Brother is working his socks off
he tells me he wont be much fun
Neices will be excited about Christmas
Santa is real for one of them!
preparing sacks
watching the wonder and the magic
playing games in the floor
I am very excited to be going
I cant wait until Sunday
to give my brother and neices
a big cuddle
he is missing having family around
he is missing his mummy
and he wants and needs his big sister
i'm coming
no fixing
just being present
of maximum helpfulness
needs and wants
volunteer not a victim

First things first
I love my brother
more and more
and we are getting closer and closer
especially since mum died
its lovely
and it makes my heart glow
AA you did good things on me
and its rubbing off on him

I honestly say there is NO-ONE
or NO-WHERE I would rather be
this Christmas than with him

This year there are no
defects driving my motives
for being in that place
its pure unconditional LOVE
and a willingness to go to any length

defects will fly over with me
they are in me
I have step 10's
I have prayer
i have willingness
I have restrain of tongue and pen
I have love and tolerence
and a willingness to practice them
I have an attitude of service
I try and let LOVE drive me these days

"God show me what you need me to do today
and give me the willingness and the power
to carry it out"
"God show me Your will"
"God show me what it is you want me to do"
and then do it

gratitude in action for being sober
and all the gifts its brought me
and I have been able to pass on
one day at a time

Christmas comes round every year
I am powerless over whether it comes or not
I cannot change it
But I can change myself
and my attitude
each year
I am willing to give it another go
change the things I can
is that insanity?
I don't think so
I do not really want to debate it
I just do it
ONE Christmas DAY AT A TIME

I have had some lovely Christmas's
and some really dreadful ones
and some littered with joyeous and dreadful
and some less extreme
it brings out all sorts in everyone
EVERYONE no one is immune from
some kind of Christmas feeling
whatever that feeling is
its personal to you and it may change
by the hour by the day by the week
and possibly will go sometime in January

I must try and stop looking for perfection
Accept Christmas is abit of a pig
and stop wrestling with it

Enough for now

Jealousy in the house for mums attention? Fight for kisses?

Fear is not a problem today

FEAR. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn´t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble........keep reading and pray .... "ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be" At once, we COMMENCE to outgrow fear. P67,P68

Fear steals my progress, its blocks it everytime. You either FACE everything and recover... ie make progress

OR

F%CK everything and run (or hide under the table) like old ideas/old ways/old beliefs

Its about making the right choice once you are aware of what it is.

God grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can. IE I WILL recognise what a load of rubbish, unkind unfriendly unhelpful defect it is to my progress, happiness, serenity, ambition and stop listening and being ruled by it.

OR I will continue running on self will doing it my own old way, which has ? got me this far, but no further in x years and I have no evidence that I can do it any different my way.

FEAR it wants you to stop exactly where you are and make no progress and have no fun! its true.

recognise it, learn how cunning it is and learn how to walk through it or peel it off when its got you round the neck... yet again!

Well thats what I did anyway! and it seems to be working

I regularly have to mantra like "Please remove my fear and direct my thoughts to what you will have me be" over and over

post inspired by another blogger...

Being Convinced..... Step 3

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. P60

I am well and truly out of
a tunnel I slipped into last week
having a mixture of PMT
and self will run riot
I told my sponsor I wasnt happy
she asked why
and I listed a heap of stuff!!
Phew!!

I needed to get that one out
She said that its hard trying to control the world
I was not a victim and if I took the drama away
I am just facing a few challenges
thats all!

When am in a tunnel
I cant see anything clearly
I can feel everything
I have slipped into a few times along the way
I used to look for the light switch
or the light at the end
Cos I didnt trust the darkness
This time I knew to keep walking
knocking into stuff I cant see
just keep walking
doing the next right thing
knowing at some point
i dont know when
it will become lighter again
and it has
faith is key for me
its grown from experience

I put the study books down last week
didnt go on a social
and went to a few more meetings
my peace of mind IS more important
to me that the course
without stability sobriety
I am nothing
guess what?
all was ok (are you suprised?)
I am not
Hindsight or as I heard this week
delayed wisdom LOL
used to be my teacher
now experience is my tunnel guide
and faith that I will be ok in the dark
as long as i dont sit down and wait for
things to change or give up and stop

They said at the beginning of the course
Turn up for everything
No matter what
Things are getting harder
So its even more important to
keep on keeping on
Got an excellent mark in an assessment
evidence to me that am on the right track

Everything is exactly as it should be
I dont have to make everything better
sometimes everything is
very challenging and difficult
if it were easy, everyone would be doing the course!

I needed to stop trying to try to let go
and just let go
get it?
no, I dont now
but it made sense at the time
and it will again when I get reminded

God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63

Johno stop listening to your head
it tells you a pack of lies
just keep on keeping on
til your done!

Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. P76 I also agree to put victory over old ideas in this one aswell.

Say hi to Sid and Dominick!!

New bloggers

say hi to

Sid "a Christian 12 stepper"

and Dominick hammering his way through with a sense of humour!!

Today (I)

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill P66

Today I had someone living rent free in my head (resentment)
Today I have been praying through the day
Where did my freedom go?
God has dealt with this stuff in his own way
Tonight God gave me a wonderful phone call with a sponsee
I gave time time
I had faith

Praying works

When I dont know what to do
I know what to do
I continue to pray for Direction
until I know what to do
about what I dont know what to do...
Then I do it