Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Getting honest wi my motives

am willing to change
am gonna pray to my HP to do for me what i cant do for myself
blind faith
i dont know whats gonna happen next
a journey of discovery & recovery
altered attitudes
spritual experience ? mines a bit less gentle than that at the minute, it is an experience yes
keep on keeping on
Remember the fork

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Jealous by nature, false & unkind


Love Is A Stranger

Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession
Love is a stranger
In an open car
To tempt you in
And drive you far away

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Love is a danger
Of a different kind
To take you away
And leave you far behind
And love love loveIs a dangerous drug
You have to receive it
And you still can't
Get enough of the stuff
It's savage and it's cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
It's noble and it's brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you're left like a zombie

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you soIt's an obsession
It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Monday, August 29, 2005


I am grateful for

  • Having apeace & quiet morning
  • Seeing my dad & his girlfriend dancing & singing (acting like kids) having fun
  • My dad being happy
  • Not filling the day with too much
  • Getting home ok
  • getting to a meeting
  • talking afterwards
  • talking on the phone
  • Not being too neurotic that "i missed the point entirely" on my step8 column 3
  • Accepting that other people dont understand that this process is working for me
  • Accepting that other people wont understand why i dont get a softer sponsor
  • Accepting that i am getting the results i want/need from this process
  • Accepting that i am not good at following the instructions my sponsor gives me
  • accepting that i need to journal aswell as blog
  • accepting that i dont want to put everything down in here that i feel
  • noticing my blog got left on someones pc "history" over the weekend
  • making a decision to change my rooms around
  • not making a decision today when to do it
  • having a day off tomorrow
  • getting a "reminder" what it was like being legless & negotiating a public toilet
  • being sober
  • being clean (showered)
  • having a good weekend
  • being ok with the imperfect
  • being home
  • having a washing machine at home
  • having a purpose
  • keeping on

today I took the coach home, negotiating a tiny toilet cubicle on a moving bus, which was travelling through the bumpy, streets, (ie not smooth motorways) & turning corners, pulling up at traffic lights & stopping at public crossings etc. Being in that enclosed space took me back, reminded me of being drunk, not being able to stay upright, being slammed against the side of the cubicle because i overbalanced & not being able to stand up straight to get tidy again, whilst trying not to touch anything !! and wishing the room would stop moving & i wanted out. It was horrible, powerless, especially when the light kept going off aswell. Frickinhell.

But the endurance paid off because the toilets at the meeting were out of order through lack of water.

at least i have one (a higher power) & i listened to it

Rule #62 dont take yourself so damn seriously

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Learning to deal with

Disillusionment - To free or deprive of illusion

Today I learned that its ok, to take part in life as long as I expect the unexpected. Its taken me a long time to open my mouth & voice my opinion & not worry what you thought. For years if i did dare say what i thought, when it might not be what you wanted to hear, i would worry about what would happen next. If you looked at me after, i would worry for weeks, drink on it, replay it over and over in my head.

I am allowed to voice my opinion, as long as i remember other people are too.
I also must mind my own business what people think of me, no matter what.
I am powerless over other people, no matter how well intentioned my intentions are

I am grateful for

  • having step 10's
  • the people that tell me the ego puncturing truth
  • the truth that always sets me free (eventually)
  • that everything teaches me (positive & negative)
  • that i am still growing
  • accepting i am imperfect
  • the willingness to listen & take suggestions from those that walked before
  • Knowing that i dont have to do tackle my whole lifes problems today
  • Knowing that I do not have take on board everyones suggestions
  • remembering nowadays, if i do what those who have what i want do, i get what they have
  • accepting that i may not have what people want
  • Accepting that others walk a different path to me & do stay sober
  • that people dont always agree with me
  • that i accept that i can be wrong
  • accepting that my experience wont help everyone
  • accepting that my experience does help some
  • for the 1st 100 members telling us Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous
  • the the 1st 100 members telling us Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroysmore alcoholics than anything else. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
  • restraint of tongue & pen
  • Respecting anothers request to butt out in the future
  • Learning from everybody, no matter who they are
  • Staying sober today
  • Ending the day free of anger & resentment
  • Being reminded what a great gift Accepting that I am an alcoholic is
  • Staying sober today
  • For going to bed free of fear & resentment
  • For being a part of something that wants the me to comprehend peace & serenity
  • Keeping it in the day

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Here we go

Inspired by a few blogs

I am grateful for
Waking up sober today
Waking up without a hangover
Not being irritable when I got jumped on & kicked in the head, by the under5's again, so i was sleeping at 6.30am!!
For answering the phone to someone that relapsed last night
For my head clearing the second i heard what terror sounds like
For doing my lousy best
For seeking help from the big book
For seeking help from my sponsor
For not going swimming with them - cos i didnt want to
For having some quiet time to myself to reflect with no noise
For having my big book to study
For having a meeting to go to tonight nearby
For taking a walk out this afternoon to find out where the meeting tonight was & how lng it would take to walk/bus there
For not asking for a lift, or expecting one
For deciding to go & not making a fuss
For telling them I was going to meeting & not feeling guilty for going out on a saturday night, when i a guest
For putting my recovery first
For the meeting being so loving
For the scared newcomer that came & stayed & listened
For his partner that came & stayed & listened
For the AA & Alanon sharing it was magical
For the love i felt in that room for both of them & for all of us
For having somewhere to go and hear what i need to hear
For letting my family know what time i hoped to be back
For getting back within a minute of that time
For the chinese meal waiting for me when i got in
For not sitting watching a movie that made me uncomfortable
For washing up instead, even though they told me not to
For knowing that I wouldnt do it in the morning, they would
For doing the right thing, not what they suggested
For being safe
For being sober
For meetings having this ability to heal & calm me (spiritual surgery)
For reconnecting with my HP & the human race
For getting out of my head
For kids that love me even when i dont give them what they want
For childrens laughter & giggles
For a cheeky smile
For having a bed to get into now (into a bag & some cushions)
For being grateful
For being a part of

Thank you

Friday, August 26, 2005

Keep it in the day & let go

Ok was jumped on at 6.30am and it didnt stop til they went to bed. My patience lasted, the babysitting went ok. They had a mad 5minuutes of Drama Queen standards, rolling on the floor squealing, but that soon went & the lovely children reappeared.They really did. It was an ok day. . I did pay attention, all day, & was responsible, for that i am grateful.

Its hard getting in that stuckness, wher i know am uncomfortable, but its too much like hard work to do anything about it. I did text some people, read some big book, prayed & did just for today. Guess it was ok really. I bin tired all day, which didnt help. Felt like i was winging it alot, which is not what am used to, and i dont think thats controlfreakness, think its something to do with routine.

Not practiced in being in a family environment ALL day. Its the adults that did my head in more than the kids, taking part with adults on an equal basis. I checked out the meeting tomorrow. I could go if necc.

Played a game of monopoly fr the first time in at least a decade, god it brought my defects out!!! Someone had the millionaires Row of all the dark blues & all the greens with hotels and about cleaned me out on rent, i got so much fear about going round the board again. I sulked, had my head on the table, ate chocolate & didnt restrain my tongue. I was envoius, my greed about bankrupted me. I am so self centred, and my pride told me i was crap. which in this game i was cos i lost all my money and had to sell or remortgage all my property.

The others... well one became a property tycoon with the opposite effect, rubing of hands, arrogant attitude sprung in, greedy etc. And the other two just went quiet & laughed.

Rule #62 Dont take yourself so damn seriously.
Too late...I did

You b+)*&%s, my pride
Didnt go my way, self centredness
Oh god i dont want to land on any property, self centred fear
Bugger, am losing, am so crap, self pity
I want more property, Greed
i hate you, your so lucky, Jealousy
I want hotels like you have, Envy
I want to get out on jail now, impatience
How can you think of putting another house on there!? arrogance
Stop enjoying this, its not pleasnt, intolerance

Well i got the room to myself now, they gone to bed, put away the booze & left me too it. So gonna go and read some more big book, do a bit on step8 as i got some to do, pray & sleep.

Today, have i enjoyed it ? not especially, it had its moments, some lovely moments. it was hard work, especially calling a call centre on someone elses behalf, and listening to automated options and hold messaging for 30minutes. And my envy when they have offer accepted on a house which is like one i always wanted & have looked at many similar with my ex. Suppose am human to feel a little resentful.... but its what i do with the resentment thats important now. But i didnt hate today, I dont regret it, i just didnt know what to do, am learning taking part outside the fellowship, am not practiced.

Especially the staying in and watching TV. I realised how little i do it & how much i am not at home nowadays. And i wouldnt want it any other way. The tv does my head in, they have 100 odd channels as opposed to my 5 at home & still they complain of nothing being on on the tv. 4me, my monies better spent the way I do, in meetings, going for coffee, rather than paying & watching SKY and all its add ons.

There it is, am not chilled, but am not angry, just aiming for some acceptance on the day, looking at my part & having an attempt to leave Friday in Friday, which is gonna happen I feel, the power of getting it out my head & seeing it in print for me is enough. Will pray on it all aswell.

Am seeing the world for what it is, the woman i used to look upto, as a spiritual giant, i now see as human, with the same defects as i, which rear up. Difference is, she got further too fall, she always bin in the position of Knowing better than i. Just at the moment i seeing her as just another human, doing her best, goodly & badly at times, But still doing it anyway. Accepting her imperfect self.

Is it me thats changing or them? am not sure.
They cant all be changing can they ?

Have i any lengthed my programme today ? no
Have i done my best ? yes
Will i do it different tomorrow ? i will try to

Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
Do not be discouraged

Today is a gift

I am off for a long weekend with family, which includes a couple of under fives. Thats the interesting part. This weekend will call for, any lengths.

willlingness, openminded, labor, patience and tolerence, love and service

The train trip up was interesting, the only one in the front carriage freaked me out at first, what if it crashes, i'll dies alone (freaky thought huh) i never even thought about the driver. But then a couple of people got in, with cans of lager & it got interesting. How come guys love to take their shirts off when theyve had a few? I dont understand this phenomena, what happens to them ? Anyway, it was all gonna get distracting, so I put on the MP3, got my big book out & read the upto the middle of the Drs opinion, FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK. It took me ages, as i kept on drifting out of the carriage, but it helped me to re-read it.

My meeting tonight, was ok, gratitude in it alot. Although someone had relapsed after 18months. It seems to me that the three sides to our triangle, Recovery, Service, Unity must to go hand in hand or it dont work.

It really is a selfish programme that we have to give it away to keep it & we have to have something to give & somewhere to give it away to.

In the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery. As part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conception sto other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they mustdo likewise with still others. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families.This man and over one hundred others appear to have recovered. Page xxiii Alcoholics Anonymous

Me am away from my home town, away from usual meetings, away from my routine, but this time i have no fear. I am with people who love me, who know i am in recovery & dont mess with it. I am without fear. I will take it a day at a time, hour at a time. Do the next right thing & do it with my HP in the driving seat. The fellowship is up here & cell phones & sms & blogging to keep intouch. Its everywhere & its here with me, I am not alone anymore.

Tonight i was asked to babysit for both their kids tomorrow... today i am responsible, today I am trusted. Today I feel trustworthy. Its a gift.

Gonna sleep now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Hair cut

I got into work this morning & was asked if i had a heavy night last night.
I am not a morning person (no debates on whether there are morning people please)
I wake up and look like i have been dragged through a hedge backwards, whether i am hungover or not.

Today probably looked a little different cos I had my hair cut last night. That great feat that i endure as in frequent as possible as it means HANDING my hair over to someone else. If its not perfect then a great sulk, pride self centred fear results.

When i said just abit off, thats what she did, but my head went YOU cut it too short.... This time she did. And i told her, and then SHE TOLD ME she hadnt and pulled it down to show me. She was right, it had just sprung up abit thats all. She didnt bar me, or get the speedy razor out and give me a No1 cut for punishment.

Control freak that I am, i spent time after time cutting my hair myself, it was a bonus if it looked ok. At times it was an alternative to when i wanted to cut myself, and had that aaargh feeling. Cutting my hair was an easier softer way, as i could still cut, and not go overboard, and not damage myself. It was a gentle alternative.

Nowadays, i try and do the hair thing at the hair shop. The self harm, ie the scratching or cutting, rarely enters my head nowadays. If it does its fleeting & a result of untreated resentment.

Dare I say it.... I like my hair..... even though it looks abit fluffy at the back, its got a natural curl that i secretly like...shhhh

Anyway today was an ok day, had the attention span of a flea at work though, but still managed to do an ok job today.

I paid attention to a flash meeting we had where they are looking for volunteers to take on extra responsibility later in the year, with no extra pay, good career progression... Sounds ok, but experience here shows me, that i got a good chance of earning a bonus, doing what am doing. extra responsibilities will take me away from what am doing and jepoardise the bonus. (I already been there this year, when i was "asked" to do work on the "top team" which back fired on me, because i couldnt handle the people, personalities etc)

Prestige, position, career progression here is not what am looking for at the moment. Right now am happy with the ordinary, am learning to be consistent in a job i can do, for 7 hours and an hour for lunch, as opposed to hours of projecting and an very little productive working upto about a year ago. Learning to do an honest days work for an honest days pay. Am getting there. Its someone elses turn to take up the gauntlet of extra duties, training people up. Me am into character building at the moment. An i already do an extra duty without pay, so i have no need to feel guilt or fear that am not good enough.

I am enough at the moment.

I do see theres more to come, improvement to be made. Just not all yet.

I sent my Dad a card today for his birthday tomorrow. We get on ok nowadays.

Went for a pizza afterwork with colleagues, saw their neurosis in action, its not just alkies that get self centred fear & pride. Then went to the theatre, and enjoyed it, was MOSTLY fully present, apart from at times, i still crushed. But its was easier. This time instead of obsessing about crush all the way home, i called up some newcomers and asked how they were. The self obsession, needyness and loneliness disapeared. Am ok now, i forgot I even went to theatre, THATS HOW SHORT MY MEMORY CAN BE, or is it that i live in the moment & let go easier nowadays, now that i can pinpoint easier what my defects n difficulties are & dare to focus on the solution quickly. I dunno, but whatever, the uncomfortableness has disappeared.

OMG i now got to pack for a long weekend away with a couple of under fives and some adults.

Tired I be

"Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.
As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 46~

No limits, you have given me no limits

My own defects & difficulties are what limits me

In AA, with the aid of a Higher Power,
"we began to be possessed of a new sense of power & direction"

probably the shortest blog ever for me not sure what am trying to say, so will shut up

Am knackered & need to sleep, trudged out tonight

Todays gratitude is

that i am not on the emotional rollercoaster of what the fuck am i feeling & its scary, am i the only one that feels like this & whens it gonna end ?

blessed am i

more to do i find, have forgotten to do employers... buggr (thats a small buggr) not a large Frickin useless piece of shite, for not finishing your step8 blah blah.
Just a gentle... buggr, ok i'll do it

Monday, August 22, 2005

i wanted so badly to not feel like this

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself, Saw my reflection in a window
I didn't knowmy own face, Oh brother are you gonna leave me, wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone,
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
Atnight I could hear the blood in my veins,Just as black&whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me, It's just you and I my friend
& my clothes dont fit me nomore,I walked a thousand miles,just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake, I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother withyour faithless kiss or will we leave eachother alone likethis
On the streets of Philadelphia
Streets of Philadelphia...Bruce Springsteen

I wanted so badly not to feel like that... but I did for years and years and years

I feel full with life,
I recognise myself, am getting to know me
am growing to like me
I know more of the time how i feel
you describe me perfectly & thats ok
I no longer feel that i am wasting away,
am hopeful, useful & with purpose
I did what i needed to do,
which is also what i wanted to do
went where i needed to go
which is also where i wanted to go
I am didnt feel alone or lonely
Angels did greet me
and today i walk amongst them
today i am comfortable in my skin
I am growing not fading
i have found a faith that works
you showed how
an am just doing it

Today I am on a spiritual high
Today you didnt need to tell me what i needed to do
Today i intuitively knew how to handle a situation which used to baffle me
I worked with another alcoholic
i did it anyway
I so wanted to maintain this inner peaceful feeling
i forgot that by giving it away we get to keep it
because i was doing it anyway

While this works, i got no reason to stop
while i got nothing else that will duplicate this feeling, i keep on doing it
you have no monopoly on ways to make you feel good
i havent got the money to try it all out yet
i'll keep on listening to you all
let you plant the seeds in me
they will grow in time, in Gods time

am learning for the first time in my how to live within my means
to be self supporting consistently
its hard, impatience, envy, greed are wanting at every corner
patience, willingness & labor (P163 Big Book)
you cant buy this feeling i got washing over me, over and over
its inner peace, its love, its truth, its a priceless gift
A gift of the magical mysterious 12 steps and this fellowship i am a part of

Do what the winners do, you get what they got

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous

i was reading steps8&9 again in Big book, got to the bottom of page 83 & my mind shut down to reading, i couldnt look no further, physically my head wouldnt let me read the promises, my mind wouldnt let me look... i was staring into space for minutes. i heard them in meetings, i read them before, i know some off by heart, but now am THAT close, my head wont let me read them in my own big book. S'weird the power of the mind.

My heads still saying, it'll work for everyone else except for johno. Today I didnt listen or fight with my head.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start fromthat point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!

i will read it at some point. Went to a step2 meeting. Talked for ages at coffee with a 4week sober miracle

some of the promises are coming true for me already. Just because i couldnt read them today, doesnt mean i will be the exception. i am a part of a process far more powerful than my head, I am changing, inspite of myself, my spirit today showed me the truth.

Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. P97 Alcoholics Anonymous

Another good day in paradise, finances, jobs around home, family, meetings and service

A simple plan set up for tomorrow already. Put your recovery first.

Am getting well from the inside out. An it feels good this spiritual surgery.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Peaceful & Happy

Both Gifts from AA on my 2nd Anniversary

I woke up this mornings still not sure which choices to make...
Surely now at 2yrs, i can go and do what normal people do to be happy ?

The voice of truth spoke to me... You arent normal
You suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder,
do what gives you maximum peace of mind & isnt destructive to you or those around you.

Its Saturday... in my experience what gives me the most peace of mind on a Saturday?
A marathon of meetings, talking to newcomers, fellowship, sharing & listening... thats what gave me the most peace of mind on a Saturday...

So i did it again today & more !!

read step 8&9 in big book
9.45 meeting listening
Spot checked some step 10's
cleaned my teeth
stripped my bed
did some laundry
internet surfed
got on the phone, to another alcoholic, got honest abt my fear abt today
spot checked some step 10's - self pity, self centred fear, arrogance, pride, dishonesty, self centredness, impatience, intolerence
accepted the seriousness of my condition
gave my Sponsor some unsolicited advice (cos i know better...)
got my attempt rejected
Got reminded to Mind My own business AGAIN
spot checked some a step10's - pride, self centredness, arrogance, intolerance
read step8&9 in big book
12noon meeting, listening & shared my gratitude, got a cake & blew a candle out, i didnt know they did cakes there.. a gift
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
2.30 meeting listening
spot checked some step10's - impatience, self centredness, pride, intolerence
shopped for food
spot checked some step 10's - impatience, self centredness
went to the library
internet surfed
got on the phone
ate again
cleaned my bathroom
1/2 washed up
changed my bed
watched 15mins tv
read step8&9 in big book
Starbucks - got assertive (not angry doormat) when he gave me wrong drink
9pm meeting listened
10.30pm meeting listening & shared
spot checked some step10's - intolerence, self centredness, pride, arrogance
meeting after meeting in cafe
Got lift home (thank you god)
just got in 1.30am its tomorrow now...
1.40am Done more laundry
(cos I know i'll be up when its done ... how maneageable is that then!!)
Now am gonna make up my bed
Pray with thanks that i got step 10's to show me that i really do not know better.
Am grateful for all of this & that its become effortless
its 2.40am and am still going on :-)

Today I went to meetings, spoke with newcomers, listened to other people when i didnt get into shared, accepted this is exactly how its meant to be, accepted what my sponsor said aswell. Whats become of me ? I did all that in one day

What was it like ?
2 years ago, i was barely getting out of bed on a saturday (barely anything else)
16 months ago, i was getting out of bed on a saturday (+ making A meeting & moaning & Drama Queening alot)

What happened ?
I started doing what my sponsor suggested instead of what i wanted & also started on the steps.

What its like today?
Today I did what I NEEDED to NOT what i wanted to and i got the results i wanted a happy + peaceful heart & mind.

Thank you God & Alcoholics Anonymous

its 4.09am am not tired & God, give me some tiredness quick, i just has a thought of getting the iron out.... help

This too shall pass

I am just where am supposed to be.

Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!

Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober

My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.

There are no days off.

How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.

I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.

"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.

I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.

I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful

You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.

The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)

Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.

I just remebered the Fork :-)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Why am i doing this ?

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurts some more.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Page 95 Alcoholics Anonymous

This describes my position at the moment. I am the "he" in the paragraphs. Its applies to me & my relationship with my sponsor.

If I was interested in the solution I am being given, i would be doing my step 8
expects you to act a nurse for his sprees (feeling less than, self pity, self centred fear, needyness)
you may have to drop him.... I am dropping myself, not sacking myself...just dropping until I have changed my mind. Finished my step8, done whats been suggested,
If I am sincerely interested, i must decide for myself if i wish to go on. If I am interested in finding God, the desire must come from within.

For me I need to check out my motives for doing these steps... If i am to find God, the desire must come from within. Not without.

GET HONEST -TELL THE TRUTH. Today I am doing them to please you, my sponsor, look super sober, these are all wrong motives, not following spiritual principles. My need for approval, to be liked, loved, is a killer in itself. Yet if you had asked me the same question a week ago, I would not have said all this, and i would have been telling you the truth. I do the steps to change me, my thinking, take me further away from a drink.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition P86 Alcoholics Anonymous

I keep repeating old behaviour over and over with my sponsor & its not helping either of us. I cant stop... Its definitely not helping me. I get no releif when i do it & my sponsors reaction also gives me no relief. It gives me a feeling of remorse & guilt, cos it brings only misery. Insanity.

The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casualway, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. P24 Alcoholics Anonymous.

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P54 Alcoholics Anonymous

It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you havebeen in the habit of showing when getting another drink. P181 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am scared the promises wont come true, that i will still feel like this, get this whats the poiint. ungrateful alone, my head keeps winning and think fuck it.

Have I come across another line? A line that says "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path" Are you in or out? Are you an alky like us or not? Are you prepared to give it away everyday if necessary? Do you like what you have & are you prepared to follow these simple suggestions on a daily basis in order to maintain it? Are you willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get what we have? My heads projected to "the rest of my life" am not keeping it in the day. I am not following the programme. Am doing it my way. My way = tall order, perfectionism, saint johno, no chance, so fuckit whats the point.

We know what you are thinking. You are saying toyourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that."But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate,with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163 Alcoholics Anonymous

God, I offer myself to Thee --to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, andThy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

Step8 & suggestions, Do them Johno. Do them anyway, even if you dont really know why, just do them anyway, your job is not to Question, its just to do the next right thing. The next right and loving thing in Gods world, could well be whats instore. REMEMBER THE FORK.
An hour doing this Blog, maybe i need to spend the time on 8.........
Stop thinking.

Roll up for the Magical Misery Tour

I woke up today alone with my head, turned over and went back to sleep, through 2 alarms snoozing & alarming.

I find it alarming that i can "work somekind of programme" through 2 months of uncertainty, wake up with purpose & get on with it. The first day I wake up without it, its just my head back in the driving seat.

My bed used to be my escape, now it feels like the prison.

Its that feeling that... how longs it gonna take before my mind wanders around to a flimsy reed hanging in the caves of my mind and grabs it. Suddenly its like i get switched on & get up. Until that its all very mirky, frightening, everything to do but cant do.

Everything hangs on how quickly i remember i got a programme, that I am not alone, that i got a purpose. Have a purpose, npt alone, but with HP, praying, is doing the next right thing. My head told me to Fuck it today. I got to work 90minutes late & never got going all day. At 3.30 I decided i couldnt do today. Too many piles of stuff on my desk, too much. So just prayed (kind of) and did the next most important peice of work on my desk, then the next, then the next. Was ok really.

My boss knows i got a problem with mornings & he knows I will make the time up. I told sleeping through alarms is a problem i have sometimes & i not taking the piss. So he okish when it happens. Cos it dont happen often nowadays.

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
Is a promise, it dont say many of them except for Johno.

Did service tonight, on the front line, how to reduce self obsession & self pity & pride?

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

I found some gratitude for what i been given.

Am still in with a self pity hit, today I thought i cant go on with this for the rest of my life, even a beer seemed a thirst quenching thought at lunch time. Strange journey my head took me om today. Today My head took me on a Magical Misery Tour

Today was a good day, I didnt drink, i did my best, turned up for work, did my best, i did service. That was any lengths for me today. Let it go now its history.

Today I feel like I have beeen carried, by the Spirit of the Universe.

Let it go now Johno, its history. Let go, Let God.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Its NOT ok to lie

I lied yesterday. Taking a sick day without being sick, IS a form of dishonesty

Any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as my recovery is concerned.

So white lies are OUT, along with ALL other ‘harmless’ versions of dishonesty, if i am planning on recovering that is

Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 58 Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Grave = dangerous, grave, grievous, serious, severe Big Book Dictionary

I got reminded today that I suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as recovery is concerned, and relief from grave mental and emotional disorders.

I knew yesterday was uncomfortable, it was the lying that i did, that i didnt admit too... why? because I didnt realise that i was lying. I justified my dishonesty, as a means to save my own skin, my actions were all well intentioned, good motives etc, so it didnt seem like dishonesty. Or it made what i did appear to be ok then. Infact i never even thought about the words dishonesty or lying atall yesterday.

I still dont see myself as dishonest, rather arrogant huh? I must be, i just cant see it.

I got alot to learn. Am so steeped in deluded thinking.

Do not be discouraged. Progress not Perfection. Keep coming back

Read the Big Book, REALLY read it.

Thank God I got a Sponsor who can see my defects when I miss them

A note to me - a measure on how well I cope outside my head & with other people. Theres a party going on on Trudges Blog, and I cant even take part. Still crippled by pride, Self centred Fear... they block the sunlight from my imagination. Keep Coming Back Johno, Do not be discouraged. First Things First.

God Doesnt give us.....

God Doesnt give us more than we can handle (a quote from Big Book)

God decided that cancer would be too much for me to handle today.

He gave me something else, incurable, by conventional medicene, uncomfortable but HARMLESS. Oh yeh, they offered me a pill, but said its not a guarantee to help...

Am grateful for the harmless, I have accepted incurable, I havent accepted that I cant reduce the uncomfortable or reduce the symptoms. Pills (so far) i dont take unless its a matter or life & death.

I can explore a change in diet next (yes I have a diet these days to change)
I can explore other alternative remedies
There are no proven cures, its trial and error
Its gonna be interesting...for me anyway

Here we go then, patience, willingness, openmindedness, will do for a start

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P.15 Alcoholics Anonymous

I felt this afternoon that I had been walking for 2 months non stop on a journey, a journey to where I didnt know. I just know that I have been going in the right direction most of the time.
I cant believe what I have just walked through, but I have, Hand In Hand with The Sprit of the Universe.

Am blessed with Unity, Recovery Service. The ability to give & be given. Thats all I know.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sick Day - or not a Sick day ?

Have been scared more abt today than tomorrow, didn’t realize it till today. Half the floor at work gone out for all expenses paid free drinks, evening meal.

I already said at work I didn’t want to go, and got the "oh you cant...why". Even my boss looked at me strange when I said I didn’t want to go, I'd rather be at work. That’s when I felt trapped.

I just don’t wanna go & be in a room full of drunken people I work with for 9 hours & then eat with them aswell. So I took a sick day. I want ordinary at the moment, ordinary "normal" is not me surrounded by free unlimited alcohol, in an environment I don’t know, with people I "wouldn’t normally mix with" listening to conversations about work until 9 o clock this evening.

Sounds a bit of a rant, but 9 hours of wishing and hoping for a bit of vicarious pleasure or being at home going through how I would have felt for the harms I done, going to a meeting, helping another alcoholic, trying to enlarge my spiritual condition. I choose the latter

Why put myself through it, just to please others, there is no need today, I know I would be resentful. I got a resentment about the whole outing.

What I wanted to know was How to clear my fear & clear my conscience from taking a sick day when i wasnt sick, to be told yes you did the right thing... also that at nearly 2 years sober I should now be able to risk taking a vodka shower without being fear of swallowing any....yeh right, get real Johno, where does it say in the big book, they took a vodka shower after 2 years without fear ? well then. stop dreaming.

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

Didn’t go meeting where my “friends” were, don’t needs my self pity stroking, its just manageable the size it is. Went to newcomers meeting, got grounded, I forgetting what its like being 5days sober.
I need to change my meetings “ to learn how to deal with disillusionment”
Fear & self pity lifted

“little white lie”, one of those small fibs believed to be harmless and sometimes described as necessary lubrication for the smooth operation of society, P68 Living sober

Sick day – A little white lie - Yeh, in desperation, I took measures to save my life Today
Total abstinence from all uncomfortable questions, lies, resentments, temptation. I went for what would give ME maximum peace of mind Today,

Tradition 5 & Preamble. THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH for this alcoholic

Also for the message I heard for me tonight. Uncertainty... he had had days of waiting for a the day which would change his whole life, and he hadnt drank leading up to it. How bizarre, thats how it is for me too. I have lived with uncertainty over this health isssue since June & have not had to drink or think about drinking over it. A bleeding miracle. Johno you are a walking miracle, this programme works if you work it.

Just for today (the previous 24hours) i was afraid, but it lifted at 5.40pm when i was talking to a newcomer.

Tomorrow i find out the truth

Step8 pray sleep

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Disillusionment - whats it all mean ?

To free or deprive of illusion

The condition of being deceived by a false perception or belief.

The condition or fact of being disenchanted
To free from illusion or false belief; undeceive

My Sponsor
Its part of growing up and replacing expectations and idealism with

Prospects, especially of success or gain

impracticality by virtue of thinking of things in their ideal form rather than as they really are

Definitions by Sponsor &

Yep its true, I got on the wrong flight

Was on full flight from reality. I misread todays "higher power", it was self will & arrogance in disguise. Fuelled by lack of sleep & projecting out of today. Predicting the future, living in a fantasy. Who do I think I am ? God. Get back into today, you got work to do. This might sound hard, but i get easily distracted and my head loves to project & i really am bored with disapointments. I really dont like thinking I know better than those who do.

Today after staying up til 3.45am doing step8 and getting a call at 7.45am from someone who relapsed last night. And something else, i had lost track of reality. Thank God for Step1 meeting and the still hungover to bring me back to earth.

I have had some hours today listening, speaking on a 1-1 and in meetings and on the phone about the insanity, the powerless, the strange mental blankspots, that tell us it'll be different this time.

The fact for most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost th epower of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes nonexistant. we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. we are without defense against the first drink.
Page 24 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots.
P42 big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Once More: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defnse. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
P43 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous.

We have no mental defense, i do have a higher power. I am grateful, but thats not enough.

The spiritual life in not a theory. We have to live it.
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Back to basics for me. Just for now, easy does it but do it. Step8 & suggestions. HALT Do it.

Am gonna use the bus for the next 24 hours, its nearer the ground.

I got scared tonight about my results (tuesday) projecting

I felt selfish this morning for dragging my heels wi steps & "not being available as sponsor" generally, not specifically for this relapser, this morning just made me look how damaging to others procrastination can be, from "an entirely different angle" from the point of view of others.

Landing the Airbus

Bizarre this feeling, now in the final week, of 24th months of continuous sobriety, was reading back at 2years ago journal

"Got invited to party where i knew there would be drugs, i got very little boundaries towards sexual stuff, and was very feared up where it would lead. Isolating at home, on my own, with my vodka that that final Saturday may have saved my life getting even more fecked up. I went back to bed for the afternoon and slept. Woke up at 8.30pm and started drinking, too late to go out anyway, thankfully. Sunday, did the same alone.

Last year cant find what i wrote, strange that.

2 years ago, at this time, i was totally in the darkglasses, trying to get off the ground, self made chocolate wings, about to jump of a cliff and try to fly towards the sun...

1 year ago, realised that a flying machine is the easier softer way. Chose a small plane, just big enough for me n Sponsor, I stuck my Sponsor in the driving seat, me hanging on to one wing by my fingernails, very unbalanced it was, shaky, and yet i still asking if its safer in the plane or hanging on the wing. I didnt quite believe it was safer in, i always survived living on the edge.

Today, I chose an airbus, the new one, biggest one, as for the pilot, well you cant see the pilot, NOPE you cant, but we definitely have one... its Higher Powered. Full on trust, has too be with 421 tonnes, flying through the air, without a parachute. Brace position an option that I choose not to adopt today. Engine temperature reaching 1/2 the temperature of the sun, no room for chocolate on this flight.

How do you land that thing then? Without Fear, Johno's coming down to land, runways in sight, couple of Home Groups and Phone service slot on the way down, 22 wheels down, or will we just carry on, why land, its great up here, we got lots of unlimited airtime each day, refuelled by trust & action, why land? how about carrying on, keeping on. Theres a bit of turbulence, a few bumps in the airpace, forcast for Tuesday, but no big deal. DONT WORRY.

Keep on keeping on, turn up, go to anylengths, trust your higher power, give freely of what you find, talk wi newcomers, do the suggestions and clean house. Ok I will.

I just found out, THIS airbus has the hugest cargo area, and its got one thing in it.... A rocket!! am gonna check it out.

Is this what deluded thinking is ? Ought I resume the Brace postion ? is "The unflattering imperfect truth" TODAY that am on full flight from reality ?

Am going to a meeting, by BUS, get grounded

here goes

What I am suffering from is 'disillusionment'. this is my chance to learn how to deal with this. Its part of growing up and replacing expectations and idealism with THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH. And then accepting life as an IMperfect entity. if its not honest, it will cause me pain. End of. Thank you Sponsor.

At least I know now, gonna pray to be shown what it means now, pray to be shown the where am disillusioned, pray for the UNFLATTERING & VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH.

The truth always sets me free. Its true. Even if i dont like it. Thats it, all bets are off once i do that prayer. This is a real trust that my Higher Power will NOT give me more than I can handle..... Gonna sleep on that prayer. Not sure am 6&7 on disillusionment and the rest tonight.

I want the rose tinted specs to be off, i started to lift them up, for a few minutes at a times recently. Seeing the world & its people for what it is. I really don’t want to. But my fantasy world in my head is not very enjoyable anymore, I want to play outside now, see it what its really like, see if its true what you all say....that its ok really.

Give myself a choice to stay in or go out of my head, each day seems sensible choice to give myself. But I have to experience the outside first, in order to tell my head that I don’t want to be in there. I want to know what its really like outside myself. But I have to wait to finish step8 first.

Exciting stuff. I never been out there, not really out there, is there anybody out there?

Bit of a Maths problem going off today triggered off by my share this afternoon. Am on step8, theres 12 steps in the programme. I thought I only had 4 to do, but the truth is i got 5, because I havent finished 8 yet. That means 5 from 12 is 7, one above 6. That means i only just over half way through the programme. In my head, i was 3/4 of the way through. I told you my heads full of shite. (erm would that be disillusioned even? huh what was that... I DONT REMEMBER SLIPPING A QUICK PRAYER IN THERE, God/HP you are so funny. NOT :-)

The truth re the maths is NO your not finished yet Johno, no where near, its a 12 step programme, not 7+1/2. Get on with it, suffering is optional, but it becomes more likely the longer I balking on the steps. Even if I do feel happy joyeous and free, theres still room for improvement, look at last nights grand performance. You Drama Queen.

Grateful to the point of considering handing out sick bags in meetings at the moment. Is this real what am feeling or is my gratitude deluded? I dont care, i like it.

Step8 am half way through the 3rd column & the final column, half way through, thats HALF FRICKING WAY THROUGH.... keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on until told otherwise. yeeeeey

Saturday, August 13, 2005


Your all starting to become the Anti Christ in my head my sponsor told me about in step4. It never came before.

Whats this the very last throws of the disease? Wanting me to hate the people that are doing me the most good?

It’s the people that tell me the truth. I get wound up just being in their company. Its cos none of you give my head what it wants, you give me what I need. Even if its nothing.

I got very few people around me that fuel a self pity attack, and if you did I wouldnt thank you for it. Much as I dont like it, I love the ego puncturing truth, it heals me.

Disease is cunning baffling and powerful. It still wants to isolate me and kill me. It wants me to stop, tells me I got enough, and the programmes not helping all this by working!! I feel good, i got a "lasting" inner peace i never felt before.

My head tells me you all got nothing more to teach me. Then it tells me all newcomers are wasting my time, so whats the point of calling them.


Just keep on keeping on Step8 suggestions especially work wi newcomers, until told otherwise

Friday, August 12, 2005

Restless Irritable & Discontented

Today, woke up full of me again, takes ages for me to summon up the willingness to be willing. But I did, I find it really hard in the mornings. Every morning & wake up with the same old sick me full of disease, wake up trapped in my head. In a strange mental blank spot, wher i forget everything programme. Takes ages to summon up a connection to even get a tiny inkling of HP, and once I do, its ok, but its a dangerous time for me. FUCKIT BUTTON time, could get up, could roll over and beat myself up for another hour.... absent myself from the present.

I dunno, i'll figure it out at some point, the answer will come if am willing.

kicked some defects into touch tonight, my pride & self centred fear has been blocking me from sharing infront of a few "people that know" me well. I have been praying for the willingness to get sharing, and it just dont happen. That seeking for approval, not sharing incase i am crap and they dont like me or what i say dont make sense. Not exactly my thoughts because am in denial, but thats what its all about, or something like that. Hp kicked in and got me to do a chair last minute tonight.

Tonight I did a chair (yeh me) at a meeting they only get "well" people to do, and it was a last minute one. I still got a disbelief that I am worthy to Chair at these meetings but aswell, i am learning to take a bit of a pat on the back, because I had to be willing and put the effort in to follow principles, to change my thinking. Guess what the "people" were at the meeting. Once I shared why I was nervous, outed my dis-ease & what defects it was about, my sharing got easier. I forgot they were there. My need for approval lessened. As other people shared back, i reaslised, it was ok, it didnt matter what they thought, its about carrying the message, did someone get something from it. Its not about getting approval when sharing.

I got a resentment when one of the people left the meeting to talk wi a newcomer, yeh selfish of me huh, our job is to carry the message, and that was what was being done, by both of us. Getting other peoples approval is not what AA is about, standing up tall no matter what... resentment lessened. But another resentment came when they told me the "they didnt hear much of it, but were sure it was a went ok" Why assume, share your experience, not maybe, probly, whatever. Grrrr. Yeh i dont need compliments or half a one. I really am powerless over what comes out of people mouths.

Its at that point i realised even if I had been told it was a good chair by that person & how well I have done, i would have been wondering why, and wanted more approval, because nothing is ever enough for this needy alky. I have the tools to deal with a resentment, but not a compliment or half a one.

I knew my ego would get punctured at some point, thats what Sponsors are for. Serenity broken, i left with my defects and a resentment. My job was done, I had carried a message in the meeting & then lost my serenity with my sponsor. I still got a long way to go, am willing, but not always able. Am imperfect, its progress not perfection.

Thank God for Step 10's, thank God for Prayer, thank god for step7, its bin a good day apart from that.

Am not happy joyeus and free in my heart, this too will pass, but I am sober and keeping on. It was a good day, i grew somewhat & realised I not 4 more steps to "do"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Bring it on

I accepted myself what is, what I do, who I am
I accepted what I used to find unacceptable
I didnt beat myself up
I took longer to hand it over this morning
I Handed it over
I prayed in the bath
I got to work late
I got all my work done
I got extra work done
We flicked rubber bands at each other
I drank lots of green tea
I Had fun at work
I laughed lots
I didnt succumb to my chocolate craving
I had no desire to drink
I left ontime without guilt for being late
I accepted my job was done today
I got to meeting early
I listened to my head and didnt share
I asked people for coffee
I shared my gratitude
I shared my tears
I shared my experience of what a Power Greater than myself is doing for me
I feel a new freedom
I feel gratitude for my best thinking that got me in here
I feel love for the me that kept on, pre fellowship
I fitted myself to to be a part of a magical world I am present in

I love whats happening to me

Bring it on

It is time to begin to trust that small voice within,

It is time to begin to trust that small voice within, coming from the person we really are...It is time to look within and begin to uncover all that has been blocking us from our truth, from our Higher Power...It is time to discover ourselves....

Somehow I have to make this final breakthru

Words and music by Queen
When love breaks up
When the dawn light wakes up
A new life is born
Somehow I have to make this final breakthrough

I wake up
Feel just fine
Your face
Fills my mind
I get religion quick
'Cos you're looking divine
Honey you're touching something you're touching me
I'm under your thumb under your spell can't you see
If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough - oh yeah

Breakthrough these barriers of pain
Breakthrough to the sunshine from the rain
Make my feelings known towards you
Turn my heart inside and out for you now
Somehow I have to make this final breakthrough

Your smile speaks books to me
I break up
With each and every one of your looks at me
Honey you're starting something deep inside of me
Honey you're sparking something this fire in me
I'm outta control
I wanna rush headlong into this ecstacy
If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough
Oh yeah
Breakthrough breakthrough

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough

Letting go of the me thats got me here, letting the me thats been sleeping wake up and smile. Time to rest, you have done incredibly well to get me here, under extremely difficult circumstances. You did your best, anylengths even at times.

Let go if you can, easy does it, hand it over, time to rest, let the imperfect me step forward, its not gonna be easy, I got lots to learn, try out, experience. Let go of self will please, you did your best, its made you weak and tired. You have suffered enough. Dont worry, I am not going it alone, my will, will never be enough, and thats ok now, it doesnt need to be, we have a super power, a power greater than me, a Higher Power, to show me what to do. I'll do my best to follow, and yeh, i will make mistakes, inevitable, but its ok, he grounds softer now, we are on the Easier Softer Way. The way to freedom and happiness, so they tell me, and we gotta run with this, they havent been wrong so far, now have they? Well then. You got to trust me on this one, I will like it, love it infact I am no different to them & they all love it.

So sit down now, have a rest and enjoy the ride, you deserved it, you did an amazing job, your best thinking got me in here. You found me unconditional Love that I only dreamed. Stop worrying now, you will not be forgotten, or left behind, stick with me. We will call on you when you are needed, and that will be often, be sure of that, you have all the past right there, hold it in your pocket, and be ready, you may be called upon at any moment for a snapshot. Do not be afraid, all of what you hold is Pure Gold. You will never have the door shut on you. You are loved. Trust me. I couldnt have got here without you. Thank you

Step8 column 3 started, I feel different already to what I did early...connected.

Freddie Mercury, your words, your voice, your passion, you touch something deep inside of me, stirring, awakening.

Touched by the wings of Angels. am blessed

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Thought for today "Love the cancer"

Learning by helping someone else, how to walk myself.

two people that I know of in my life have/had cancer, one walked through it, twice, the other is on her 2nd time. Both are teaching me. My mum, the Golden example of how to walk through it, she bin through the chemo, and a removal of a body part, total acceptance, walking through it, trusting the process, doing the right thing.

The other I dunno, its a fucker, I am no expert, am learning little by little, or is it big by big, its another killer illness that wants to get you on your own, in your bed an kill you.

She emailed me, just like i said she could and told me its a crap day. What did I do? see through the self pity, look at the problem, and offer a solution. We cant solve the cancer in the next 12 hours, but we can solve the problem of not eating, or living on weetabix. Solution find a book thats about good food to fight cancer, find the food she likes and eat it.

Today I got this "thought" love the cancer.... wheres that come from ? I have an idea where it came from.

thought said Love the cancer,
my head said we cant, its an alien, its gonna kill her.
thought said, its a cancer, cancer doesnt know its an enemy, it just does what cancer does
my head said, what? you mean its not an enemy ?
thought said, no not in the sense that you see an enemy. Its not here to kill, its just found a warm place to grow, its doing what cancer does.
my head said, what do we have to do then ? ask it to leave ?
thought said. well you can try that, you can also go to any lengths to make it as impossible as possible for the cancer to grow, it may just get fed up and leave.
head said, what do you mean ?
thought said, werent you paying attention ? she already told you what the problem is at the weekend, the problem is she is having her immune system blasted by chemicals, the chemo kills everything, The immune system is the key.
head says, its the immune system that needs nurturing, the immune system is a power greater than the cancer ?
thought said.... yes.
head says, so its another killer illness that needs a power greater than itself to kick it into remission a day at a time.
Thought said.... yes love everything in Gods Universe, but it doesnt mean that, cancer rules, cancer is just a part of the Universe
Head said, another 3 fold illness of the mind body and spirit ?
thought said yes
head said, oh my god, anylengths is not kicking the cancer out today, its getting the HALT right, hungry, eat, lonely, tell someone, angry, see whats confusing and tired, have a rest. Its about getting the basics right, getting into fit spiritual, physical & mental condition to face everything.
Thought said... do not tackle all of lifes problems today, just try to deal with the most lacking TODAY.
head said thank you, i'll try to pass all that on

so I did & then let go

The nurse said, nothing I can do to reduce the Harmless cysts. However for me too, I took advice from an natural therapy expert regarding the "hereditary harmless cysts" i have, can they be reduced by anything ? Yes she said, try looking up this and this on google, it'll give you all kinds of pointers. The triggers are so vast its unbelievable, not just food. They even disguise themselves as other things, cunning huh.

Today, am grateful for the cyst, a definable lump that has given me a greater insight into my inner self, exploring further how to improve my well being from the inside out.

Regarding the undiagnosed grey area. No matter what the outcome is for me next week, my relationship with God is being strengthened. The weekends meeting, the CD, the email from Mums friend, her trusting me, me having something, some spiritual principles to pass on, there are no coindidences.

oh yeh, I had a tear on the way home tonight, its coming... am human

I am happy, today living with uncertainty, my future is uncertain, but then isnt everyones?

keep on, keeping on, until told otherwise

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Todays unreal & real

How far have I come, am amazed with whats happened. I went for xrays & ultrasounds, the results found a suspicious area & the fluid was drained and sent for tests. I did allthat, told the nurse I was scared & might cry, she said thats alright especially when she stuck the needle in. But I didnt. The big 6 foot nurse with the rubber gloves on standing the other side of the bed freaked me out abit just for a couple of seconds... what did she think I was gonna do, run out half naked ? I done althat abit sore, got back on the bus and went back to work.

Kind of freaky, the way that I have been practicing living each day totally in each day for a while now, especially with this to come. At work I shared what happened, and my colleague became the drama queen.. are you coming in tomorrow? Yes I am, unless anything unforeseen happens.
She hasnt the tools to deal with it like I did today, at some point she will hold me up, faking it herself, if necessary, am in no doubt. But today I am not faking. To take her out of shock, I just told her that i might consider getting checked out every month, as the consultant nurse had an excellent bedside manner, very gentle, soothing voice & good looking. Yes well am only human & whatever keeps your spirits up. Its true, she was lovely, told me exactly what she was gonna do, and it wasnt as painful as I imagined. I couldnt believe how many other alien tissues were in there, that I didnt even know about. All harmless I might add. I just shows me that I really have no idea whats going on in my body, I just have to do my best to feed it the right things, even then I dont know. Can I eat different to prevent this stuff? No. Stop smoking... well I done that already. Certyain drugs, bring it on, or depress it... i dont take anything. So I cant really do much more. Well I can, eat even better, aim at perfection and accept the best.

You see AA has taught me to live in the present, my sponsor, bashes it home, "less of the pointless analysing & projecting" get my mind in the present moment & my body will follow. Today it all happened effortlessly. That effortless that i got scared I was in denial. But no, My mind & spirit are ok, my body was a bit tense, but thats ok, am not a saint. I cant expect no feeling, am human, wanted a cry on the way home, I havent yet, but its gonna happen at some point.

Today am healthy, I have no reason to plan my funeral or claim on my health insurance, but yes, the thought crossed my mind fleetingly, some greed going on there and why not, am powerless over my fleeting thoughts. no drinking thoughts I notice...

Could be something, could be nothing, who knows. If I spent my time projecting, I would be missing out on whats in front of me.

keep turning up, doing my lousy best, eat the best I can, step8(yeah yeah) and suggestions.

It is a design for living that works in rough going Page 15 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Its true, no wallowing in self pity, i done lots of 3, 7 & serenity praying, read some big book, helf someone suffering, shared in meeting, shared with sponsor, am grateful, no list done though.

Today I took action that may have saved my life. Do the next right thing, my job is to be of maximum helpfulness, thats going and getting stuff checked early, because I dont know what I dont know. I did the right things. The rest is not upto me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mine be done.

Did you get me sober, to walk through all this ? am grateful. I would be drinking now, wallowing in self pity, angry cos no-one loves me, projecting evry conceivable outcome. Am exhausted just thinking about it. So am gonna stop.

God thank you for a sober day. I have to go to bed as its not really 11.47, its 1.25am, but I started this 90ish minutes ago.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Nothing cracked off again

ordinary day, did the usual clothes shop after two failed attempts to get there, finally did.
yeh, on my wish list, a garden, less clutter, a bit of silence at times at home, someone special. dont know when, dont know how, just a wish list. No major decsions til after step9, and that will probably take me into 2006, in my world... anythings possible in HP's world, there are NO LIMITS.

sort out my washing, going to bed am tired, bit sad for myself, bit needy (it'll pass) am grateful, grateful, that the two men in my life that I love like no others, have both found a happiness, a comfortableness of their understanding, at last.

good weekend, good for my soul, my spirit

oh yeh, did somemore gap filling, revisited the old rec, streets, I trudged playing kerby & football, getting croggys on the choppers, garages we used to climb up on the top of & the circus we'd bike around. Everythings still there, bit delapidated, bit different, am remembering stuff with a warmt that I never had before, its like all I could remember before was the bad stuff, like it was blocking everything else, blanking my memery. Now its unblocking, my memory starts to come back with the help of triggers. Every streets got a memory.

Ordinary Day or not ?

If I listed it out again, it would probably be a long eventful day...
Even fitted a meeting in instead of going shopping.
Spent the evening, with folks & family, I am glad that its not often.
Love them but cant live with them.

They dont change, but then why should they, they are happy with themselves
Could go into a full flight character assasination of "how could they come out with that".... but you know how it is & am learning. They just do, just like the last time and the time before, so Its about time I accepted them for who they are, stop fighting. So I think I have, or am getting there, I just forget everytime...a strange mental blankspot going on there.

Except LOL yeh except when its on matters I do know about (well more than they do), like alcoholism and that "AA wont work for someone who has lost more than me...he's gone passed AA..." was the comment. Sorry, I had to intervene there, AA may work for him, how do I know? because I believe what I have heard in the rooms. There are people who have lost more than him, who have got it back & more besides. Its hard when people havent a (yeh arrogant statement, resentment not justified) clue really about Alcoholism, they just see someone as selfish & a waste of time, because they dont see the illness. Pull themselves together etc. They dont see it as a progressive killer illness like cancer. No idea.

Yeh I got a resentment, because they dont see it & we cant help him, until he is ready & yes it is a bloody hard thing to do, to not get involved. I suggested Al-anon for them, theyve ran out of ideas. They can see its killing him slowly. Fucking hell. Its all the yets for me, yet they dont see me as that bad, they dont see that I did lose some of what he did, but in a more respectable way. Yes it is possible to lose stuff & still maintain a level the outside world its all ok. I did it. Was left at the end with a very small world, lonely and isolated. Just what King alcohol wants.

So the difference is, I hit my rock bottom before he has, he is killing himself in full glory of family and friends, I did it in isolation.

I dunno what thats all about, but I got it out. I accept I cannnot change what people think, can only tell them how it is, when they ask or appear to be getting it a bit wrong, in conversation with me. They still may not change what they think. To them I appear normalish, "not as bad" as the other family member. This is really a sad illness.

Am grateful I went to a meeting before going out with a practicing heavy drinker & my close family, who still can grasp that I dont drink, no not even 1. Even when no-one else wanted another drink, not even another coffee for the 2nd time, he still asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, when I said no "stuff you then was his answer" Alcoholic or not, the want he had to have someone else join him reminded me of me.

I let it go, had an interesting evening, learned some family history.

Had a conversation with Grandma to day, she sounded so normal, most people are really I guess, its just my fantasing that keeps people as monsters and trolls for years and years.

This was only gonna be a small blog, I cant help myself, well hey this is my history, when am ancient n decrepit, will need this to remind me what i got upto.

Visited a church today that I have passed in the car thousands of times over my lifetime which has some history of various mysterious kinds & today I stopped & walked up and around its grounds. Its tiny. Nothing special, but it kind of is because it has a " pet name" which describes its state which is totally a myth I found out today. I have never stopped and looked in all these years, today I didnt just think, I did.

Staying sober, Living sober, has opened up extra minutes, or is it that its slowed me down, living in the present moment and allowing me to see how long a minute is & what can be achieved in such a small amount of time.

Continually grateful for being able to fit in, and for fitting in things, i never could before

So much stuff is about growing, and aswell accepting what is & living with what is, I feel thats what am doing in a way, filling in some of the gaps of my history at times, like the "wonder what that church is like" everytime I went past it, well now I know. While I am balking at growing in outside life, i am being productive in expanding & strengthening what is. I realised I know little about my home city, its steeped in history in itself. I could do a tour of sorts in the city I live now, but what do I know about my past, its my roots, I look back with fondness to the city & its name, but know very little of it... or dont I ? Is it that important to me now ? well I dunno I guess when I get back on the train, I will forget these thoughts until I get "home" again.

Thats it now am going to bed. Another good nights sleep in silent surroundings, that I do enjoy and am sorry to leave. The silence deafens me the first night, the empty streets and 11oclock at night. No way am I used to that, living in a city that never sleeps on a road that is never quiet for longer than 5 minutes in the middle of the night.

Yeh i would love a garden next. Please.

Friday, August 05, 2005

HP & God unite

I stopped of on the offchance that a person from my passed wold be in a shop where she worked once & she was there...she isnt usually at that time (HP stuff)

She was just the same, brimming with Alpha course confidence, I must go here, I must go there isnt God wonderful etc etc, just the same as she was 18 years ago, the last time GOD was in a conversation we had. For me her Christian God, is too complicated, I have to do alot of work to understand it as intensley as she does & I am not prepared to do that, courses etc etc. For me It is truly a Power Greater than myself that keeps me sober & helps me live the life I do & thats enough for now. To see how her faith touches her and animates her face, is enough for me to see that it works for her & for that I am grateful, a little hesistant but grateful.

This time though instead of being afraid of my lack of knowledge & fear of conversion, I was able to tell her I had found a Higher Power of my understanding that works for me. We both agreed that its a wonderful feeling to feel we are part of something, to be looked after.

Today, I felt a huge sense of progress, fitting in, Live & let live. This woman, although her faith is different in ways to mine, her common thing is helping others & it works, as she does alot of good work in the community. Its like me letting of the fact that people in AA stay sober without doing the steps & they are their own way. Just accepting that Its not an attack on the way I do it, because they do it different, its just different, same result, happy, useful, fulfilled, just different thats all.

Service is the key, its a common theme of the happy, joyeus & free.

"Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny"
P164 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

This isnt meant as a debate to analyse what God is, its just my observation for myself, thats all.

Had lunch in a cafe with more old people than I have seen in ages, a strange thought popped into my head. I wonder what these people would be wearing 60 years ago? How many of them would be in uniform, smoking woodbines, swapping cigarettes & nylons etc. How many would be reading out the letters from their loved ones.

I have lots of love for the "oldies" in the world & as my lunch buddy said, you are only old on the outside. Inside you are still young. I am grateful for what they did for us, the example of cammaradery, like fellowship in those times, they all had a common theme "war" they were all in the same boat, so they shared ideas, food, tissues etc to get through it & they did. Its great.

Like I said strange thought, but a lovely thought, am grateful for those that trod that path before me, without them I wouldnt have the life I live now. They shaped history.

Keep it simple

Today I turned another year older.
Today I woke up with the same head I always wake up with.
Today it still took a few minutes to realise that there is more to life than listening to my head
Today I did my pre work routine (god did I say routine)
Today I got to work on time
Today I had a very unhealthy 2nd breakfast, Its my birthday
Today I spent money on cakes for work
Today I didnt listen to my head & get the cheap cakes, I got the ones they all do
Today I fitted myself in, do what the winners do.
Today I didnt people pleasing, or expect returns, I did it with love.
Today I went to the park at lunch because thats what I like to do on sunny days
Today I didnt go to the bar at lunch which is a traditional birthday thing.
Today I invited people to join me at the park... and they came.
Today the bank rate dropped, so my monthly outlay decreases
Today I got some flowers from work
Today I was able to enjoy those flowers, they smell & look beautiful
Today I finished all my work
Today I prepped it, so it would be easy for someone tomorrow when I am not in
Today is my last day at work for 3 days
Today I get to my meeting & commitment
Today I get resentful as the literature keeps moving & disappearing
Today I say nothing, just sulk a little through lack of understanding
Today I asked HP for help when I needed it & received it
Today I shared with gratitude
Today I travel to spend time with my family
Today I listen to a group of guys on the train, who spent the day at a beer festival
Today I reminisce with them about my old drinking ground, without resentment.
Today I laugh with them about Shep & his dog Woofy Maldoon (neither of which I knew)
Today I hear about death being referred to as "slipping of a dish"
Today I see that real life has lots of amusing things to enjoy
Today I get to see my folks
Today I get to blog remote from home
Today I am sober
Today I paid attention
Today I have a higher power
Today I am grateful

That was simple, effortless, very little resentment, strange how the resentments are about AA stuff, not ouside life stuff, it used to be completely the other way around.
Tomorrow is another day, gratitude in action. Pray for the willingness for some step8

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Whats happened to my blog ?

My last post disappeared & then all my profile stuff has moved to half way down the right hand side bar, hows that happened? I dont know what to do, the template looks the same, no great gaps or anything.

Just when I thinks its all going ok, someone moves the furniture (my icons)

Keep scrolling down, you'll find some links etc, in the meantime, i'll try and figure out what happened, dont think I fell asleep on the return key lastnight, or did any dancing on the keyboard, in full glorious Julie Andrews gratitude.

Not sure, its probably just another ploy, from my humorous HP see if I get distracted off step8. I have to keep going on about it, because if I dont, it will hide deeper and deeper in my head, until its so tightly hidden that I cant fetch it out. So have to keep it outed.

Something happened today, which made me grateful, but I cant remember what it was.

Oh yeh another thing, the comments you left me, thank you, i like this, maybe 'll be a bit braver on yours aswell.

Trudge, it blew me away you even asked to use something that has come out of my head. My heads not usually got much worth listening too. (thats head speak for you, i am not worthy etc etc!!) I think i had a bit of a spiritual experience last night writing about Me the Ice Cap.

On listening to my second more reliable thought perhaps its cos it came from the heart, not the head, that it was such a beautiful moment. For me.

If you focus on...

If you focus on the mountain it will get bigger, focus on the solution ie The Steps

Johno wrote... In the beginning, its like being at the bottom of the mountain & seing others at the top, and not knowing how the hell they got there. They were like somewhere in the distance. Like a "Vision for me"

The mountain, was an illusion, another fantasy my head had cooked up, to stop me getting well.

The truth is, that each time I took a Step up, the mountain appeared smaller.

Its like it had snow & ice on it, ready to slip me up, if i tried to find my way alone, and it did. I eventually asked someone if there was an easier way. They showed me a path already cut out, thats been used by many before me, it only has 12 Steps up. Each step melts the snow & the mountain feels less daunting, more of a hill really. It got greener and became more beautiful & pleasant to be on, i seen its treasures, they were there all along, just covered up.

Am right now running around it, arms wide open, like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, singing just over half way up, and its amazing, the view, the treasures, the laughter, the love. Its a fab place to be, I recommend it to everyone. So much on offer. Each Step opens up something only describable today for me as Gold.

My sponsor shows me the path, the steps melts my icy covering, helps me get over myself, I am the mountain, the hill, the Steps is right sizing me, whilst helping me grow.

I have shared this else where, but I wanted to document how I felt right now, at this moment, this is a beautiful moment. Thank you

Monday, August 01, 2005

With the Fork

Unblocking with the fork

Got invited, or was it pummelled into nearly going to yet another step7 meeting tonight... To focus on my shortcomings, I was told.

I dont believe it was self will run riot, when after quiet reflection & saying out loud, I decided not to focus on my shortcomings, I have been doing enough of that recently. Time to focus on the solution.

My current shortcoming, is that I am not praying and not getting divine help with my step 8, thus not allowing myself potential growth. Shame huh. Living on the edge, rebel without a cause. Who gives a toss. Truth is its my recovery no-one elses.

Reality is today, I want to pray, want to ask for help, want to get on with my step 8, want to grow. Have done all the talking, whinging, reasoning, sharing, weighing it all up, fearing up, analysing. So there's nothing left to do, except do.

Gaining inspiration from the Story Bin, last night, I decided to

"Remember to keep the Fork with me"
"Dont let the Fork go"

If you are told after a meal to keep your fork you know there is something much better possibly yet to come.

So today I "used the fork"
May the Fork be with me
May the Fork always be with you to
Fork it it worked, more step 8 done tonight.

Sense of humour returns

Another good day in the 4th Dimension

I did have a sulk today, by the way aswell, just a short one, couple of toys, gor pushed right to the edge of the pram. Luckily, thanks to last nights chair, I seen that even though I believed I was right, I used the analogy that maybe today wasnt the day to argue the cause, no matter how justified. Sulking is the only tool I have, at present, which leads me to acceptance. I try and do it quietly, unfortunately, its written all over my face. Paper bags arent allowed to be worn during the day unfortunetely. Progress not perfection.

Still a good day, I left work at work where it belongs.

Special thanks to "Keep the Fork" Posted by Cindy Ludwig 27 Feb 2000. Story Bin

I outed my head

got that shaking, heart beating, oh god, feeling sharing, the truth was coming out.

The chair talked abt blocking out the sunlight, its what am doing. Missing out on the beautiful things going on, being consumed by Step8 instead of welcoming it in.

I got 2 choices.

Can either stop here at 7 and just run around doing what am doing, enjoying what I got until it inevitably stops working. Being an alky, what I got eventually stops being enough.


get on with whats in front of me and do the next right thing, grow a bit more

I stopped off for a KFC, got in and PRAYED.

Me, a chicken wrap & God, well I couldnt go there alone could I. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Then I did a couple of hours step8

Getting me to to anything thats good for me, is like pulling frickin teeth... childlike.

One day (maybe) the tables will be turned, my inbox will be filled with "I cant Do It" emails

When will it sink in, thatI cant do it on myn own, thats why I need the help of a Power greater than myself.

Slightly unblocked, grateful, shined on, but not impressed with my grand performance.