Monday, August 15, 2005

Sick Day - or not a Sick day ?

Have been scared more abt today than tomorrow, didn’t realize it till today. Half the floor at work gone out for all expenses paid free drinks, evening meal.

I already said at work I didn’t want to go, and got the "oh you cant...why". Even my boss looked at me strange when I said I didn’t want to go, I'd rather be at work. That’s when I felt trapped.

I just don’t wanna go & be in a room full of drunken people I work with for 9 hours & then eat with them aswell. So I took a sick day. I want ordinary at the moment, ordinary "normal" is not me surrounded by free unlimited alcohol, in an environment I don’t know, with people I "wouldn’t normally mix with" listening to conversations about work until 9 o clock this evening.

Sounds a bit of a rant, but 9 hours of wishing and hoping for a bit of vicarious pleasure or being at home going through how I would have felt for the harms I done, going to a meeting, helping another alcoholic, trying to enlarge my spiritual condition. I choose the latter

Why put myself through it, just to please others, there is no need today, I know I would be resentful. I got a resentment about the whole outing.

What I wanted to know was How to clear my fear & clear my conscience from taking a sick day when i wasnt sick, to be told yes you did the right thing... also that at nearly 2 years sober I should now be able to risk taking a vodka shower without being fear of swallowing any....yeh right, get real Johno, where does it say in the big book, they took a vodka shower after 2 years without fear ? well then. stop dreaming.

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

Didn’t go meeting where my “friends” were, don’t needs my self pity stroking, its just manageable the size it is. Went to newcomers meeting, got grounded, I forgetting what its like being 5days sober.
I need to change my meetings “ to learn how to deal with disillusionment”
Fear & self pity lifted

“little white lie”, one of those small fibs believed to be harmless and sometimes described as necessary lubrication for the smooth operation of society, P68 Living sober

Sick day – A little white lie - Yeh, in desperation, I took measures to save my life Today
Total abstinence from all uncomfortable questions, lies, resentments, temptation. I went for what would give ME maximum peace of mind Today,

Tradition 5 & Preamble. THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH for this alcoholic

Also for the message I heard for me tonight. Uncertainty... he had had days of waiting for a the day which would change his whole life, and he hadnt drank leading up to it. How bizarre, thats how it is for me too. I have lived with uncertainty over this health isssue since June & have not had to drink or think about drinking over it. A bleeding miracle. Johno you are a walking miracle, this programme works if you work it.

Just for today (the previous 24hours) i was afraid, but it lifted at 5.40pm when i was talking to a newcomer.

Tomorrow i find out the truth

Step8 pray sleep


Grateful said...

Awesome post. Don't beat yourself up. You have to put your sobriety first, which is exactly what you did.
I love how you incorporate quotes from the BB in your post.

Congratulations on another sober day!

Blue said...

sounds like to me you did the right thing... good for you & good post, thanks