Was on full flight from reality. I misread todays "higher power", it was self will & arrogance in disguise. Fuelled by lack of sleep & projecting out of today. Predicting the future, living in a fantasy. Who do I think I am ? God. Get back into today, you got work to do. This might sound hard, but i get easily distracted and my head loves to project & i really am bored with disapointments. I really dont like thinking I know better than those who do.
Today after staying up til 3.45am doing step8 and getting a call at 7.45am from someone who relapsed last night. And something else, i had lost track of reality. Thank God for Step1 meeting and the still hungover to bring me back to earth.
I have had some hours today listening, speaking on a 1-1 and in meetings and on the phone about the insanity, the powerless, the strange mental blankspots, that tell us it'll be different this time.
The fact for most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost th epower of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes nonexistant. we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. we are without defense against the first drink.
Page 24 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots.
P42 big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
Once More: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defnse. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
P43 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous.
We have no mental defense, i do have a higher power. I am grateful, but thats not enough.
The spiritual life in not a theory. We have to live it.
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
Back to basics for me. Just for now, easy does it but do it. Step8 & suggestions. HALT Do it.
Am gonna use the bus for the next 24 hours, its nearer the ground.
I got scared tonight about my results (tuesday) projecting
I felt selfish this morning for dragging my heels wi steps & "not being available as sponsor" generally, not specifically for this relapser, this morning just made me look how damaging to others procrastination can be, from "an entirely different angle" from the point of view of others.