Sunday, August 07, 2005

Ordinary Day or not ?

If I listed it out again, it would probably be a long eventful day...
Even fitted a meeting in instead of going shopping.
Spent the evening, with folks & family, I am glad that its not often.
Love them but cant live with them.

They dont change, but then why should they, they are happy with themselves
Could go into a full flight character assasination of "how could they come out with that".... but you know how it is & am learning. They just do, just like the last time and the time before, so Its about time I accepted them for who they are, stop fighting. So I think I have, or am getting there, I just forget everytime...a strange mental blankspot going on there.

Except LOL yeh except when its on matters I do know about (well more than they do), like alcoholism and that "AA wont work for someone who has lost more than me...he's gone passed AA..." was the comment. Sorry, I had to intervene there, AA may work for him, how do I know? because I believe what I have heard in the rooms. There are people who have lost more than him, who have got it back & more besides. Its hard when people havent a (yeh arrogant statement, resentment not justified) clue really about Alcoholism, they just see someone as selfish & a waste of time, because they dont see the illness. Pull themselves together etc. They dont see it as a progressive killer illness like cancer. No idea.

Yeh I got a resentment, because they dont see it & we cant help him, until he is ready & yes it is a bloody hard thing to do, to not get involved. I suggested Al-anon for them, theyve ran out of ideas. They can see its killing him slowly. Fucking hell. Its all the yets for me, yet they dont see me as that bad, they dont see that I did lose some of what he did, but in a more respectable way. Yes it is possible to lose stuff & still maintain a level the outside world its all ok. I did it. Was left at the end with a very small world, lonely and isolated. Just what King alcohol wants.

So the difference is, I hit my rock bottom before he has, he is killing himself in full glory of family and friends, I did it in isolation.

I dunno what thats all about, but I got it out. I accept I cannnot change what people think, can only tell them how it is, when they ask or appear to be getting it a bit wrong, in conversation with me. They still may not change what they think. To them I appear normalish, "not as bad" as the other family member. This is really a sad illness.

Am grateful I went to a meeting before going out with a practicing heavy drinker & my close family, who still can grasp that I dont drink, no not even 1. Even when no-one else wanted another drink, not even another coffee for the 2nd time, he still asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, when I said no "stuff you then was his answer" Alcoholic or not, the want he had to have someone else join him reminded me of me.

I let it go, had an interesting evening, learned some family history.

Had a conversation with Grandma to day, she sounded so normal, most people are really I guess, its just my fantasing that keeps people as monsters and trolls for years and years.

This was only gonna be a small blog, I cant help myself, well hey this is my history, when am ancient n decrepit, will need this to remind me what i got upto.

Visited a church today that I have passed in the car thousands of times over my lifetime which has some history of various mysterious kinds & today I stopped & walked up and around its grounds. Its tiny. Nothing special, but it kind of is because it has a " pet name" which describes its state which is totally a myth I found out today. I have never stopped and looked in all these years, today I didnt just think, I did.

Staying sober, Living sober, has opened up extra minutes, or is it that its slowed me down, living in the present moment and allowing me to see how long a minute is & what can be achieved in such a small amount of time.

Continually grateful for being able to fit in, and for fitting in things, i never could before

So much stuff is about growing, and aswell accepting what is & living with what is, I feel thats what am doing in a way, filling in some of the gaps of my history at times, like the "wonder what that church is like" everytime I went past it, well now I know. While I am balking at growing in outside life, i am being productive in expanding & strengthening what is. I realised I know little about my home city, its steeped in history in itself. I could do a tour of sorts in the city I live now, but what do I know about my past, its my roots, I look back with fondness to the city & its name, but know very little of it... or dont I ? Is it that important to me now ? well I dunno I guess when I get back on the train, I will forget these thoughts until I get "home" again.

Thats it now am going to bed. Another good nights sleep in silent surroundings, that I do enjoy and am sorry to leave. The silence deafens me the first night, the empty streets and 11oclock at night. No way am I used to that, living in a city that never sleeps on a road that is never quiet for longer than 5 minutes in the middle of the night.

Yeh i would love a garden next. Please.

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