I woke up today alone with my head, turned over and went back to sleep, through 2 alarms snoozing & alarming.
I find it alarming that i can "work somekind of programme" through 2 months of uncertainty, wake up with purpose & get on with it. The first day I wake up without it, its just my head back in the driving seat.
My bed used to be my escape, now it feels like the prison.
Its that feeling that... how longs it gonna take before my mind wanders around to a flimsy reed hanging in the caves of my mind and grabs it. Suddenly its like i get switched on & get up. Until that its all very mirky, frightening, everything to do but cant do.
Everything hangs on how quickly i remember i got a programme, that I am not alone, that i got a purpose. Have a purpose, npt alone, but with HP, praying, is doing the next right thing. My head told me to Fuck it today. I got to work 90minutes late & never got going all day. At 3.30 I decided i couldnt do today. Too many piles of stuff on my desk, too much. So just prayed (kind of) and did the next most important peice of work on my desk, then the next, then the next. Was ok really.
My boss knows i got a problem with mornings & he knows I will make the time up. I told sleeping through alarms is a problem i have sometimes & i not taking the piss. So he okish when it happens. Cos it dont happen often nowadays.
There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
Is a promise, it dont say many of them except for Johno.
Did service tonight, on the front line, how to reduce self obsession & self pity & pride?
Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.
I found some gratitude for what i been given.
Am still in with a self pity hit, today I thought i cant go on with this for the rest of my life, even a beer seemed a thirst quenching thought at lunch time. Strange journey my head took me om today. Today My head took me on a Magical Misery Tour
Today was a good day, I didnt drink, i did my best, turned up for work, did my best, i did service. That was any lengths for me today. Let it go now its history.
Today I feel like I have beeen carried, by the Spirit of the Universe.
Let it go now Johno, its history. Let go, Let God.