Friday, August 26, 2005

Keep it in the day & let go

Ok was jumped on at 6.30am and it didnt stop til they went to bed. My patience lasted, the babysitting went ok. They had a mad 5minuutes of Drama Queen standards, rolling on the floor squealing, but that soon went & the lovely children reappeared.They really did. It was an ok day. . I did pay attention, all day, & was responsible, for that i am grateful.

Its hard getting in that stuckness, wher i know am uncomfortable, but its too much like hard work to do anything about it. I did text some people, read some big book, prayed & did just for today. Guess it was ok really. I bin tired all day, which didnt help. Felt like i was winging it alot, which is not what am used to, and i dont think thats controlfreakness, think its something to do with routine.

Not practiced in being in a family environment ALL day. Its the adults that did my head in more than the kids, taking part with adults on an equal basis. I checked out the meeting tomorrow. I could go if necc.

Played a game of monopoly fr the first time in at least a decade, god it brought my defects out!!! Someone had the millionaires Row of all the dark blues & all the greens with hotels and about cleaned me out on rent, i got so much fear about going round the board again. I sulked, had my head on the table, ate chocolate & didnt restrain my tongue. I was envoius, my greed about bankrupted me. I am so self centred, and my pride told me i was crap. which in this game i was cos i lost all my money and had to sell or remortgage all my property.

The others... well one became a property tycoon with the opposite effect, rubing of hands, arrogant attitude sprung in, greedy etc. And the other two just went quiet & laughed.

Rule #62 Dont take yourself so damn seriously.
Too late...I did

You b+)*&%s, my pride
Didnt go my way, self centredness
Oh god i dont want to land on any property, self centred fear
Bugger, am losing, am so crap, self pity
I want more property, Greed
i hate you, your so lucky, Jealousy
I want hotels like you have, Envy
I want to get out on jail now, impatience
How can you think of putting another house on there!? arrogance
Stop enjoying this, its not pleasnt, intolerance

Well i got the room to myself now, they gone to bed, put away the booze & left me too it. So gonna go and read some more big book, do a bit on step8 as i got some to do, pray & sleep.

Today, have i enjoyed it ? not especially, it had its moments, some lovely moments. it was hard work, especially calling a call centre on someone elses behalf, and listening to automated options and hold messaging for 30minutes. And my envy when they have offer accepted on a house which is like one i always wanted & have looked at many similar with my ex. Suppose am human to feel a little resentful.... but its what i do with the resentment thats important now. But i didnt hate today, I dont regret it, i just didnt know what to do, am learning taking part outside the fellowship, am not practiced.

Especially the staying in and watching TV. I realised how little i do it & how much i am not at home nowadays. And i wouldnt want it any other way. The tv does my head in, they have 100 odd channels as opposed to my 5 at home & still they complain of nothing being on on the tv. 4me, my monies better spent the way I do, in meetings, going for coffee, rather than paying & watching SKY and all its add ons.

There it is, am not chilled, but am not angry, just aiming for some acceptance on the day, looking at my part & having an attempt to leave Friday in Friday, which is gonna happen I feel, the power of getting it out my head & seeing it in print for me is enough. Will pray on it all aswell.

Am seeing the world for what it is, the woman i used to look upto, as a spiritual giant, i now see as human, with the same defects as i, which rear up. Difference is, she got further too fall, she always bin in the position of Knowing better than i. Just at the moment i seeing her as just another human, doing her best, goodly & badly at times, But still doing it anyway. Accepting her imperfect self.

Is it me thats changing or them? am not sure.
They cant all be changing can they ?

Have i any lengthed my programme today ? no
Have i done my best ? yes
Will i do it different tomorrow ? i will try to

Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
Do not be discouraged

No comments: