Thursday, August 18, 2005

Why am i doing this ?

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurts some more.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Page 95 Alcoholics Anonymous

This describes my position at the moment. I am the "he" in the paragraphs. Its applies to me & my relationship with my sponsor.

If I was interested in the solution I am being given, i would be doing my step 8
expects you to act a nurse for his sprees (feeling less than, self pity, self centred fear, needyness)
you may have to drop him.... I am dropping myself, not sacking myself...just dropping until I have changed my mind. Finished my step8, done whats been suggested,
If I am sincerely interested, i must decide for myself if i wish to go on. If I am interested in finding God, the desire must come from within.

For me I need to check out my motives for doing these steps... If i am to find God, the desire must come from within. Not without.

GET HONEST -TELL THE TRUTH. Today I am doing them to please you, my sponsor, look super sober, these are all wrong motives, not following spiritual principles. My need for approval, to be liked, loved, is a killer in itself. Yet if you had asked me the same question a week ago, I would not have said all this, and i would have been telling you the truth. I do the steps to change me, my thinking, take me further away from a drink.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition P86 Alcoholics Anonymous

I keep repeating old behaviour over and over with my sponsor & its not helping either of us. I cant stop... Its definitely not helping me. I get no releif when i do it & my sponsors reaction also gives me no relief. It gives me a feeling of remorse & guilt, cos it brings only misery. Insanity.

The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casualway, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. P24 Alcoholics Anonymous.

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P54 Alcoholics Anonymous

It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you havebeen in the habit of showing when getting another drink. P181 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am scared the promises wont come true, that i will still feel like this, get this whats the poiint. ungrateful alone, my head keeps winning and think fuck it.

Have I come across another line? A line that says "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path" Are you in or out? Are you an alky like us or not? Are you prepared to give it away everyday if necessary? Do you like what you have & are you prepared to follow these simple suggestions on a daily basis in order to maintain it? Are you willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get what we have? My heads projected to "the rest of my life" am not keeping it in the day. I am not following the programme. Am doing it my way. My way = tall order, perfectionism, saint johno, no chance, so fuckit whats the point.

We know what you are thinking. You are saying toyourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that."But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate,with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163 Alcoholics Anonymous

God, I offer myself to Thee --to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, andThy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

Step8 & suggestions, Do them Johno. Do them anyway, even if you dont really know why, just do them anyway, your job is not to Question, its just to do the next right thing. The next right and loving thing in Gods world, could well be whats instore. REMEMBER THE FORK.
An hour doing this Blog, maybe i need to spend the time on 8.........
Stop thinking.

2 comments:

Blue said...

You know, there is nothing wrong with struggling. Especially with the program, I struggle endlessly sometimes with AA. Hell, I lived by the saying “fake it, till you make it” and I did… I still don’t like going to meetings, talking to people, doing the steps. Even though all these things make me feel better. So I just go through the motions and at times that is enough to keep me from drinking. Hang in there, it’s worth it


We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. ~ Big Book pg 46

johno said...

thanks you are right