I got into work this morning & was asked if i had a heavy night last night.
I am not a morning person (no debates on whether there are morning people please)
I wake up and look like i have been dragged through a hedge backwards, whether i am hungover or not.
Today probably looked a little different cos I had my hair cut last night. That great feat that i endure as in frequent as possible as it means HANDING my hair over to someone else. If its not perfect then a great sulk, pride self centred fear results.
When i said just abit off, thats what she did, but my head went YOU cut it too short.... This time she did. And i told her, and then SHE TOLD ME she hadnt and pulled it down to show me. She was right, it had just sprung up abit thats all. She didnt bar me, or get the speedy razor out and give me a No1 cut for punishment.
Control freak that I am, i spent time after time cutting my hair myself, it was a bonus if it looked ok. At times it was an alternative to when i wanted to cut myself, and had that aaargh feeling. Cutting my hair was an easier softer way, as i could still cut, and not go overboard, and not damage myself. It was a gentle alternative.
Nowadays, i try and do the hair thing at the hair shop. The self harm, ie the scratching or cutting, rarely enters my head nowadays. If it does its fleeting & a result of untreated resentment.
Dare I say it.... I like my hair..... even though it looks abit fluffy at the back, its got a natural curl that i secretly like...shhhh
Anyway today was an ok day, had the attention span of a flea at work though, but still managed to do an ok job today.
I paid attention to a flash meeting we had where they are looking for volunteers to take on extra responsibility later in the year, with no extra pay, good career progression... Sounds ok, but experience here shows me, that i got a good chance of earning a bonus, doing what am doing. extra responsibilities will take me away from what am doing and jepoardise the bonus. (I already been there this year, when i was "asked" to do work on the "top team" which back fired on me, because i couldnt handle the people, personalities etc)
Prestige, position, career progression here is not what am looking for at the moment. Right now am happy with the ordinary, am learning to be consistent in a job i can do, for 7 hours and an hour for lunch, as opposed to hours of projecting and an very little productive working upto about a year ago. Learning to do an honest days work for an honest days pay. Am getting there. Its someone elses turn to take up the gauntlet of extra duties, training people up. Me am into character building at the moment. An i already do an extra duty without pay, so i have no need to feel guilt or fear that am not good enough.
I am enough at the moment.
I do see theres more to come, improvement to be made. Just not all yet.
I sent my Dad a card today for his birthday tomorrow. We get on ok nowadays.
Went for a pizza afterwork with colleagues, saw their neurosis in action, its not just alkies that get self centred fear & pride. Then went to the theatre, and enjoyed it, was MOSTLY fully present, apart from at times, i still crushed. But its was easier. This time instead of obsessing about crush all the way home, i called up some newcomers and asked how they were. The self obsession, needyness and loneliness disapeared. Am ok now, i forgot I even went to theatre, THATS HOW SHORT MY MEMORY CAN BE, or is it that i live in the moment & let go easier nowadays, now that i can pinpoint easier what my defects n difficulties are & dare to focus on the solution quickly. I dunno, but whatever, the uncomfortableness has disappeared.
OMG i now got to pack for a long weekend away with a couple of under fives and some adults.