Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Todays unreal & real

How far have I come, am amazed with whats happened. I went for xrays & ultrasounds, the results found a suspicious area & the fluid was drained and sent for tests. I did allthat, told the nurse I was scared & might cry, she said thats alright especially when she stuck the needle in. But I didnt. The big 6 foot nurse with the rubber gloves on standing the other side of the bed freaked me out abit just for a couple of seconds... what did she think I was gonna do, run out half naked ? I done althat abit sore, got back on the bus and went back to work.

Kind of freaky, the way that I have been practicing living each day totally in each day for a while now, especially with this to come. At work I shared what happened, and my colleague became the drama queen.. are you coming in tomorrow? Yes I am, unless anything unforeseen happens.
She hasnt the tools to deal with it like I did today, at some point she will hold me up, faking it herself, if necessary, am in no doubt. But today I am not faking. To take her out of shock, I just told her that i might consider getting checked out every month, as the consultant nurse had an excellent bedside manner, very gentle, soothing voice & good looking. Yes well am only human & whatever keeps your spirits up. Its true, she was lovely, told me exactly what she was gonna do, and it wasnt as painful as I imagined. I couldnt believe how many other alien tissues were in there, that I didnt even know about. All harmless I might add. I just shows me that I really have no idea whats going on in my body, I just have to do my best to feed it the right things, even then I dont know. Can I eat different to prevent this stuff? No. Stop smoking... well I done that already. Certyain drugs, bring it on, or depress it... i dont take anything. So I cant really do much more. Well I can, eat even better, aim at perfection and accept the best.

You see AA has taught me to live in the present, my sponsor, bashes it home, "less of the pointless analysing & projecting" get my mind in the present moment & my body will follow. Today it all happened effortlessly. That effortless that i got scared I was in denial. But no, My mind & spirit are ok, my body was a bit tense, but thats ok, am not a saint. I cant expect no feeling, am human, wanted a cry on the way home, I havent yet, but its gonna happen at some point.

Today am healthy, I have no reason to plan my funeral or claim on my health insurance, but yes, the thought crossed my mind fleetingly, some greed going on there and why not, am powerless over my fleeting thoughts. no drinking thoughts I notice...

Could be something, could be nothing, who knows. If I spent my time projecting, I would be missing out on whats in front of me.

keep turning up, doing my lousy best, eat the best I can, step8(yeah yeah) and suggestions.

It is a design for living that works in rough going Page 15 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Its true, no wallowing in self pity, i done lots of 3, 7 & serenity praying, read some big book, helf someone suffering, shared in meeting, shared with sponsor, am grateful, no list done though.

Today I took action that may have saved my life. Do the next right thing, my job is to be of maximum helpfulness, thats going and getting stuff checked early, because I dont know what I dont know. I did the right things. The rest is not upto me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mine be done.

Did you get me sober, to walk through all this ? am grateful. I would be drinking now, wallowing in self pity, angry cos no-one loves me, projecting evry conceivable outcome. Am exhausted just thinking about it. So am gonna stop.

God thank you for a sober day. I have to go to bed as its not really 11.47, its 1.25am, but I started this 90ish minutes ago.

5 comments:

Nathan said...

It's a slow process y'all
One day at a time though... to get beautiful

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