Friday, August 12, 2005

Restless Irritable & Discontented

Today, woke up full of me again, takes ages for me to summon up the willingness to be willing. But I did, I find it really hard in the mornings. Every morning & wake up with the same old sick me full of disease, wake up trapped in my head. In a strange mental blank spot, wher i forget everything programme. Takes ages to summon up a connection to even get a tiny inkling of HP, and once I do, its ok, but its a dangerous time for me. FUCKIT BUTTON time, could get up, could roll over and beat myself up for another hour.... absent myself from the present.

I dunno, i'll figure it out at some point, the answer will come if am willing.

kicked some defects into touch tonight, my pride & self centred fear has been blocking me from sharing infront of a few "people that know" me well. I have been praying for the willingness to get sharing, and it just dont happen. That seeking for approval, not sharing incase i am crap and they dont like me or what i say dont make sense. Not exactly my thoughts because am in denial, but thats what its all about, or something like that. Hp kicked in and got me to do a chair last minute tonight.

Tonight I did a chair (yeh me) at a meeting they only get "well" people to do, and it was a last minute one. I still got a disbelief that I am worthy to Chair at these meetings but aswell, i am learning to take a bit of a pat on the back, because I had to be willing and put the effort in to follow principles, to change my thinking. Guess what the "people" were at the meeting. Once I shared why I was nervous, outed my dis-ease & what defects it was about, my sharing got easier. I forgot they were there. My need for approval lessened. As other people shared back, i reaslised, it was ok, it didnt matter what they thought, its about carrying the message, did someone get something from it. Its not about getting approval when sharing.

I got a resentment when one of the people left the meeting to talk wi a newcomer, yeh selfish of me huh, our job is to carry the message, and that was what was being done, by both of us. Getting other peoples approval is not what AA is about, standing up tall no matter what... resentment lessened. But another resentment came when they told me the "they didnt hear much of it, but were sure it was a went ok" Why assume, share your experience, not maybe, probly, whatever. Grrrr. Yeh i dont need compliments or half a one. I really am powerless over what comes out of people mouths.

Its at that point i realised even if I had been told it was a good chair by that person & how well I have done, i would have been wondering why, and wanted more approval, because nothing is ever enough for this needy alky. I have the tools to deal with a resentment, but not a compliment or half a one.

I knew my ego would get punctured at some point, thats what Sponsors are for. Serenity broken, i left with my defects and a resentment. My job was done, I had carried a message in the meeting & then lost my serenity with my sponsor. I still got a long way to go, am willing, but not always able. Am imperfect, its progress not perfection.

Thank God for Step 10's, thank God for Prayer, thank god for step7, its bin a good day apart from that.

Am not happy joyeus and free in my heart, this too will pass, but I am sober and keeping on. It was a good day, i grew somewhat & realised I not 4 more steps to "do"

No comments: