Reading this book
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Yes
Because I am?
Yes
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby?
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Passed with flying colours, Pre-mental tension, Step 11
Results out tonight!
Passed B in both subjects
This is Excellent!!
Inspiring to keep on keeping on
40 years old
no real school leaving exams
drunk for 20 years
now look whats going on!
Yes theres a long way to go
and this semeseter is harder
and I am finding it really challenging
more than last
this year is the practice run for next!
i wish I could share all joy
I could i suppose
but whatever I am blogging for me
if your interested in how
my mind body stuff is connected
well read on LOL
I find it all fascinating!!!!!!!!!!
and there is some more
study and step11 stuff
after the snot update
Physically ill
More than grief I feel
Though nothing major I also feel
after much snot moving and crying
i fear my tubes are blocked and really hurt!
I have to see the GP I cant hear properly!
and spending hours on the phone at work is my job...
this is some what of a problem!
Although today, I woke up with this curious feeling
that today there was something different about it
woke up with silence in my head
peace just for abit
Whats that about it?
I have some compassion at the moment
for the hearing impaired/challenged
Its an odd one!
And regarding PMT
I am going to keep a check on it again!
I've been in it this week
I havent kept a note of it
almost purposely as I have had a tendency to
diarise it to the day and 7 days before
try and pre-empt this mental stuff
in an almost risk management state
But I also wondered at the same time
if knowing it was coming... perhaps
I lived it, indulged it cos I expected it?
I have decided especially after this last week
I am going to go back to diarising it
so i know when to hand the crash helmets out
and buy the tissues
have the extra early nights
and be easier on myself
i really am emotionally challenged
around this time
and I do not want to take a pill
awareness, and taking care
not avoiding, just letting it come
and letting it go again
knowing it will at times
not be pleasant not not getting drawn in
with the drama
ok, see you in 21 days with this one!
Grateful to have such an amazing couple of marks
Huge respect for ALL students
Its takes obedience and perseverence
and loads of other stuff... aswell as anylengths
Miracles happen in AA
ok more home work now
I flunked a piece of course work today
I havent done it
Had to just accept it
I cannot do eveything I want
in the time I want
I have to put my recovery first
ie my health
early nights I have had
the last 2 nights have helped
no books no reading
yes crying
the 5.30am stuff
is just not practical
long term
its just a quick fix
and this week had suffered
I think
Live and learn!
Step 11
Doing some exploring and i feel safe
Reading The Tibetan book of Living and Dying
Listening to Eckert Tolle
thanks IFOBW
They say when the students ready the teacher appears
I tried the reading this a few years ago
and the listening a few months ago
and couldnt listen to or read them
tried to but not hearing or seeing what was written
this weeks been different
this tells me I am open to it
I dont know but doing it anyway
it feels comfortable (like dAAve says not forced)
Also made some inroads in a bereavement "course"
through church for a few months time
in "fellowship" with other people
with similar questions
around death, loss etc
Not looking for sympathy
just perhaps, from what I am reading
A relationship with my mum
it seems this is possible
I beleive it is, even for me
I have no idea how at the moment
It feels comfortable and not forced
Willing to try
Thanks for all your comments
emails and texts
they all help
I'm off to rest my ear, it REALLY HURTS!
OUCH
see ya!
Passed B in both subjects
This is Excellent!!
Inspiring to keep on keeping on
40 years old
no real school leaving exams
drunk for 20 years
now look whats going on!
Yes theres a long way to go
and this semeseter is harder
and I am finding it really challenging
more than last
this year is the practice run for next!
i wish I could share all joy
I could i suppose
but whatever I am blogging for me
if your interested in how
my mind body stuff is connected
well read on LOL
I find it all fascinating!!!!!!!!!!
and there is some more
study and step11 stuff
after the snot update
Physically ill
More than grief I feel
Though nothing major I also feel
after much snot moving and crying
i fear my tubes are blocked and really hurt!
I have to see the GP I cant hear properly!
and spending hours on the phone at work is my job...
this is some what of a problem!
Although today, I woke up with this curious feeling
that today there was something different about it
woke up with silence in my head
peace just for abit
Whats that about it?
I have some compassion at the moment
for the hearing impaired/challenged
Its an odd one!
And regarding PMT
I am going to keep a check on it again!
I've been in it this week
I havent kept a note of it
almost purposely as I have had a tendency to
diarise it to the day and 7 days before
try and pre-empt this mental stuff
in an almost risk management state
But I also wondered at the same time
if knowing it was coming... perhaps
I lived it, indulged it cos I expected it?
I have decided especially after this last week
I am going to go back to diarising it
so i know when to hand the crash helmets out
and buy the tissues
have the extra early nights
and be easier on myself
i really am emotionally challenged
around this time
and I do not want to take a pill
awareness, and taking care
not avoiding, just letting it come
and letting it go again
knowing it will at times
not be pleasant not not getting drawn in
with the drama
ok, see you in 21 days with this one!
Grateful to have such an amazing couple of marks
Huge respect for ALL students
Its takes obedience and perseverence
and loads of other stuff... aswell as anylengths
Miracles happen in AA
ok more home work now
I flunked a piece of course work today
I havent done it
Had to just accept it
I cannot do eveything I want
in the time I want
I have to put my recovery first
ie my health
early nights I have had
the last 2 nights have helped
no books no reading
yes crying
the 5.30am stuff
is just not practical
long term
its just a quick fix
and this week had suffered
I think
Live and learn!
Step 11
Doing some exploring and i feel safe
Reading The Tibetan book of Living and Dying
Listening to Eckert Tolle
thanks IFOBW
They say when the students ready the teacher appears
I tried the reading this a few years ago
and the listening a few months ago
and couldnt listen to or read them
tried to but not hearing or seeing what was written
this weeks been different
this tells me I am open to it
I dont know but doing it anyway
it feels comfortable (like dAAve says not forced)
Also made some inroads in a bereavement "course"
through church for a few months time
in "fellowship" with other people
with similar questions
around death, loss etc
Not looking for sympathy
just perhaps, from what I am reading
A relationship with my mum
it seems this is possible
I beleive it is, even for me
I have no idea how at the moment
It feels comfortable and not forced
Willing to try
Thanks for all your comments
emails and texts
they all help
I'm off to rest my ear, it REALLY HURTS!
OUCH
see ya!
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Step 11 - Improve your conscious contact
We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.p84
I am coming to believe
I have reached a turning point in Step 11
A few conversations in various forms
over the weekend
I realise how little I know
How childlike my faith actually is
It has seen me this far
And it has been enough
It has worked
but is it enough to see me on for the next few years?
No, i dont think so
I feel like I am entering my teenage years!
in this life area, (all my affairs)
....Coming of age!
What I am hearing is
Find your faith and follow it
devotion, grown in understanding
The time has come
It doesnt matter which way
Only good will come of it
To grow upwards a little more
Like in AA, dont take the cafeteria attitude
Find one and do it
get in the middle of the bed!
Up until a few weeks ago I felt
Consciously competent
in my faith - God and anythings possible
But this last week
I feel an unravelling
this weekend I felt like I fell apart
not in the nervous breakdown falling apart
just my old ideas in this area
are in need of some WORK
Its stopped working
God I love you
Show me whats next
Feeling consciously incompetent
with hope
Doing lots of crying
Last night I went home
and cried most of the evening
heavy gut wrenching sobbing
I can only describe what I feel around
this grief
is out of control
like a ship in a stormy sea
no idea when the next wave will come
no idea how strong it will be
no idea if we will come out alive!
Sadness around i didnt cuddle her enough when she was sick
sadness she suffered
sadness it was so ugly
sadness she died forever
I need help with this
and I have made some calls
bereavement / care / spiritual
This too shall pass
Letting go
Growing up
Letting people in
willing to change my ideas
Keep on keeping on
I am coming to believe
I have reached a turning point in Step 11
A few conversations in various forms
over the weekend
I realise how little I know
How childlike my faith actually is
It has seen me this far
And it has been enough
It has worked
but is it enough to see me on for the next few years?
No, i dont think so
I feel like I am entering my teenage years!
in this life area, (all my affairs)
....Coming of age!
What I am hearing is
Find your faith and follow it
devotion, grown in understanding
The time has come
It doesnt matter which way
Only good will come of it
To grow upwards a little more
Like in AA, dont take the cafeteria attitude
Find one and do it
get in the middle of the bed!
Up until a few weeks ago I felt
Consciously competent
in my faith - God and anythings possible
But this last week
I feel an unravelling
this weekend I felt like I fell apart
not in the nervous breakdown falling apart
just my old ideas in this area
are in need of some WORK
Its stopped working
God I love you
Show me whats next
Feeling consciously incompetent
with hope
Doing lots of crying
Last night I went home
and cried most of the evening
heavy gut wrenching sobbing
I can only describe what I feel around
this grief
is out of control
like a ship in a stormy sea
no idea when the next wave will come
no idea how strong it will be
no idea if we will come out alive!
Sadness around i didnt cuddle her enough when she was sick
sadness she suffered
sadness it was so ugly
sadness she died forever
I need help with this
and I have made some calls
bereavement / care / spiritual
This too shall pass
Letting go
Growing up
Letting people in
willing to change my ideas
Keep on keeping on
Saturday, March 01, 2008
1. Where are you? Have you really gone forever? and 2. Step 11 and 3. HALT
why did you go?
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?
lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance
Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing
Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?
Why?
Cancer
There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween
All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17
I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?
Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies
What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?
I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?
I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now
What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!
Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no
Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?
This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
girlfirend
boyfriedn
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this
He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98
It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be
but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
happier
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement
See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me
Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true
Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me
Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?
Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping
and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?
lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance
Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing
Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?
Why?
Cancer
There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween
All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17
I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?
Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies
What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?
I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?
I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now
What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!
Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no
Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?
This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
girlfirend
boyfriedn
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this
He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98
It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be
but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
happier
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement
See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me
Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true
Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me
Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?
Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping
and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Happy Birthday Mum 1944 - 2006
Todays been an odd one
I have tried to keep it real
and yet not overanalyse!
How do I feel?
Mentally alert
Emotionally Floundering
Physically weak and cough cold
Spiritually strong
I received texts from family
I felt their love for my mum
through their texts about
flowers they had bought
that they were visiting where she is scattered
and that they are thinking about her
I went to buy flowers, but felt fake
I thought about going to a church, and wondered why?
I wondered what I was supposed to do today?
I have absolutely no idea
So I did nothing
cried, let what ever came came
which wasnt much as you see
I did be in touch with others
and let them be themselves
my brother misses her terribly
What do I feel
I really dont know
I cant create a feeling
have I
feelings of hate ? no
feelings of dislike? no
feelings of let down ? no
feelings of abandonment ? no
feelings of anything negative towards her? no
ok then
who am I to say what I am feeling is not love?
who am I to say what degrees and what guise Love comes in?
who am I to say what I feel is not Love
Mum I love you
but I dont miss you
for the right reasons
so I try and fight the Love
try and justify the no Love
No missing her for unselfish reasons, therefore no love allowed
I can see I have been making my own rules up here
another old idea...
needs work:)
GRIEF
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE IT
DONT TRY AND UNDERSTAND IT
DONT RUN OR TRY AND HIDE FROM IT
IT IS A POWERFUL THING
its not negative but sometimes it feels like it
to me its a part of the healing process
healing from a loss
in this instance a loss of a mother
grief process I experienced after a change in behaviour
for instance too, same principle, different thing
I am sure theres more
But I know only a little
more exploration required
in Gods time
Dear Mum
When I think of you today
I think of pink roses like in the picture
your favourite
With a wonderful fragrance
That only a rose can give
Pure, fresh, fragrant, like no other
I love pink roses nowadays, this pink
like this one, because you do
Happy Birthday
I hope you had good one
and please stop by "our kids" house
and give him a kiss while he's sleeping
he misses his mummy
and then come by mine and give me
some mummy love too
thanks
see ya
xx
Friday, August 17, 2007
Grief - Loss - of mum/of wallet - same process
could be, could be not
today I am very tired
today I couldnt manage to get up
today I went to work knackered
today I did my best at half speed
today I went to bank
today I said I lost my wallet
today I sorted my card
today am ready for bed before i got out of bed
today am quiet
today I called some newcomers
today I copied my application
today I am just keeping on
today I have taken inventory
today I have prayed
today am going to my home group
today am going to the meeting after the meeting
today am very grateful for it going SLOWLY
today am grateful for it going my way
today I am emotionally drained
today my inventory showed my
hurt pride - I showed my imperfectness
my carelessness - intolerence towards self
my self will - i didnt manage to be perfect
my fear - for the test tomorrow
My gratitude is that I can see all that
My gratitide is that I can pray for it all to go
My gratitude is for acceptance
my gratitude is that I will turn up tomorrow
My gratitude is for I will just do my best
My gratitude is that I will be taken care of
Today am not afraid
of how I feel
or how I am
i am alright
I havent hurt anyone
I just letting me be
I love all this
today I am very tired
today I couldnt manage to get up
today I went to work knackered
today I did my best at half speed
today I went to bank
today I said I lost my wallet
today I sorted my card
today am ready for bed before i got out of bed
today am quiet
today I called some newcomers
today I copied my application
today I am just keeping on
today I have taken inventory
today I have prayed
today am going to my home group
today am going to the meeting after the meeting
today am very grateful for it going SLOWLY
today am grateful for it going my way
today I am emotionally drained
today my inventory showed my
hurt pride - I showed my imperfectness
my carelessness - intolerence towards self
my self will - i didnt manage to be perfect
my fear - for the test tomorrow
My gratitude is that I can see all that
My gratitide is that I can pray for it all to go
My gratitude is for acceptance
my gratitude is that I will turn up tomorrow
My gratitude is for I will just do my best
My gratitude is that I will be taken care of
Today am not afraid
of how I feel
or how I am
i am alright
I havent hurt anyone
I just letting me be
I love all this
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Go for Gold, then, Give it away to Keep it
Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the
ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release
from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.
Father feels he has struck something better than gold.
For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a
limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines
it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. P128,129
I love this, its one of my favouritist bits
I used to only give so much information
at work or in family or friends etc
Fear that I might be seen as a failure
or that someone may "use" the information
and become better than me
Nowadays, it seems the more thats revealed to me
the more I want to give away freely
and the simpler life is
tell the truth
At work, I used to just keep skills
tricks, short cuts, resources to myself
I would give stuff away, if I felt like it
if i liked them, if I could be bothered
or if i did, i would judge managers etc
for not having done their jobs right in
recruitment etc etc people should know what to
do from the minute they walk through the door... right!!
AA's showed me what to do, I needed showing
from the minute I walked in the door
and then as soon as i had something
I HAD to GIVE it away to a newcomer
even when i wasn't sure what it was i had
Everything I mean EVERYTHING
Then later Practice this Principle in all my affairs
Mentoring someone at work last year
without being paid any extra really just helped me
(Inventory & Prayer helped me lose the greed & judgemental stuff)
Action in the form of helping a new recruit at work
took my mind off the death of my mother
during working hours & there was a lot of laughing
mostly about his impatience & his need for perfection NOW
(sounds earily familiar to me)
He came up with the same stuff as me and any other
had come up with doubts, impatience, willingness, fear
arrogance, pride
We encouraged each other and this big geyser
softened when at times I cried
us humans, we have everything in us we need
it just takes time & willingness for it to show itself
This guy was and still is himself
"a loveable PROUD dude with a sense of humour
and a sense of knowing what the right thing is"
Its cool to see the the process works for him when he works it
as it did and still does for me when I work it
Just like it worked and still works for the people
who passed it onto me
"It" being the processes at work
Trust the Process (this one being the processes inplace at work)
Oh yeh we no longer work in the same building
we are now friends... now thats a gift YeY!!
going to any lengths at work and work their processes
also helped "the management"
see where their process needs changing
or not, it makes there inventory taking easier!!
Well it did for our place
ONLY when there were a few of us actually
doing what was required, instead of cutting corners
I am grateful to be able to look back at the past
without regret, remorse, shame
I have had some REALLY kind, patient and tolerent people
around me at work over the years
Its not a given that the people
who are paid to train & manage, actually do
I never REALLY saw at the time how much
help, skills, knowledge, kindness
and a certain amount of love too... even at work
Love, unconditional love, the one with no strings
Some times I need to stop and take a look back to see
what it was like, what happened and
what its like now
inside me and outside of me
it really is about change
continual willingness & openness to change
and be changed
Go for Gold, mine it and give it away
Have faith, it works - it really does
:-)
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release
from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.
Father feels he has struck something better than gold.
For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a
limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines
it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. P128,129
I love this, its one of my favouritist bits
I used to only give so much information
at work or in family or friends etc
Fear that I might be seen as a failure
or that someone may "use" the information
and become better than me
Nowadays, it seems the more thats revealed to me
the more I want to give away freely
and the simpler life is
tell the truth
At work, I used to just keep skills
tricks, short cuts, resources to myself
I would give stuff away, if I felt like it
if i liked them, if I could be bothered
or if i did, i would judge managers etc
for not having done their jobs right in
recruitment etc etc people should know what to
do from the minute they walk through the door... right!!
AA's showed me what to do, I needed showing
from the minute I walked in the door
and then as soon as i had something
I HAD to GIVE it away to a newcomer
even when i wasn't sure what it was i had
Everything I mean EVERYTHING
Then later Practice this Principle in all my affairs
Mentoring someone at work last year
without being paid any extra really just helped me
(Inventory & Prayer helped me lose the greed & judgemental stuff)
Action in the form of helping a new recruit at work
took my mind off the death of my mother
during working hours & there was a lot of laughing
mostly about his impatience & his need for perfection NOW
(sounds earily familiar to me)
He came up with the same stuff as me and any other
had come up with doubts, impatience, willingness, fear
arrogance, pride
We encouraged each other and this big geyser
softened when at times I cried
us humans, we have everything in us we need
it just takes time & willingness for it to show itself
This guy was and still is himself
"a loveable PROUD dude with a sense of humour
and a sense of knowing what the right thing is"
Its cool to see the the process works for him when he works it
as it did and still does for me when I work it
Just like it worked and still works for the people
who passed it onto me
"It" being the processes at work
Trust the Process (this one being the processes inplace at work)
Oh yeh we no longer work in the same building
we are now friends... now thats a gift YeY!!
going to any lengths at work and work their processes
also helped "the management"
see where their process needs changing
or not, it makes there inventory taking easier!!
Well it did for our place
ONLY when there were a few of us actually
doing what was required, instead of cutting corners
I am grateful to be able to look back at the past
without regret, remorse, shame
I have had some REALLY kind, patient and tolerent people
around me at work over the years
Its not a given that the people
who are paid to train & manage, actually do
I never REALLY saw at the time how much
help, skills, knowledge, kindness
and a certain amount of love too... even at work
Love, unconditional love, the one with no strings
Some times I need to stop and take a look back to see
what it was like, what happened and
what its like now
inside me and outside of me
it really is about change
continual willingness & openness to change
and be changed
Go for Gold, mine it and give it away
Have faith, it works - it really does
:-)
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Dear Mum
Bit sad this week
done some crying
thinking of mum
specifically she isnt here
to see my recent progress (in a few life areas)
all selfish self centred
self seeking reasons for wanting her here
bottom line approval seeking
dishonest
Yeh am easier on myself in reality than I sound
but I have to be honest
Losing a parent or anyone is big stuff
Grieving is an ongoing experience
as far as I can see there is no cure
for Mum, sometimes the knot is tight
and the crying, deep crying from within releases it
mostly nowadays its, almost invisible
it comes, it goes
Am grateful for the memories I have
yes there are some good ones & for those am grateful
sober memories
Also on a lighter note
would like to tell her have bought some new clothes
nice quality different stuff, tailored trousers
havent been interested in improving my wardrobe for years
didnt have much in common with mum before either...
would love to tell her I went shopping in M&S
checked out some great trousers last week, thought about them
went in again this week, tried on, still liked & bought them
they are NOT JEANS!!
I have stuff to go with already
Not a shopping fix
I have the money and the need
Can I afford it ? yes
Am I worth it ? yes
Ker..ching
So Mum if your on the big blogger in the sky
now you know
Love ya
xx
Ps told you it was all about me!!
self seeking
no mention of how are you mum ?
how are you enjoying it up there?
what have you been up to?
just me me me me me
Thank you God for giving me
the willingness to get the trousers
for me
cos i liked them
can afford them
I want them
and need them
they fit me
i wil wear them
and the ability to be honest & say
I know I look pretty damn fit in them aswell
without waiting for someone else to tell me
Its true, I found myself
done some crying
thinking of mum
specifically she isnt here
to see my recent progress (in a few life areas)
all selfish self centred
self seeking reasons for wanting her here
bottom line approval seeking
dishonest
Yeh am easier on myself in reality than I sound
but I have to be honest
Losing a parent or anyone is big stuff
Grieving is an ongoing experience
as far as I can see there is no cure
for Mum, sometimes the knot is tight
and the crying, deep crying from within releases it
mostly nowadays its, almost invisible
it comes, it goes
Am grateful for the memories I have
yes there are some good ones & for those am grateful
sober memories
Also on a lighter note
would like to tell her have bought some new clothes
nice quality different stuff, tailored trousers
havent been interested in improving my wardrobe for years
didnt have much in common with mum before either...
would love to tell her I went shopping in M&S
checked out some great trousers last week, thought about them
went in again this week, tried on, still liked & bought them
they are NOT JEANS!!
I have stuff to go with already
Not a shopping fix
I have the money and the need
Can I afford it ? yes
Am I worth it ? yes
Ker..ching
So Mum if your on the big blogger in the sky
now you know
Love ya
xx
Ps told you it was all about me!!
self seeking
no mention of how are you mum ?
how are you enjoying it up there?
what have you been up to?
just me me me me me
Thank you God for giving me
the willingness to get the trousers
for me
cos i liked them
can afford them
I want them
and need them
they fit me
i wil wear them
and the ability to be honest & say
I know I look pretty damn fit in them aswell
without waiting for someone else to tell me
Its true, I found myself
Sunday, April 23, 2006
A quarter of a year has past.....
Since I last blogged.
January
Mum got sick
February
she got sicker
March
She died
The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain
At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none
when I expected greed, there was none
when I expected sulking, there was very little
What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis
to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff
To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood
to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this
some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later
I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection
I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.
Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
nightmares
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
unmanageable...
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter
grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times
well thats how it is for me anyway
ITS PASSING
as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
January
Mum got sick
February
she got sicker
March
She died
The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain
At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none
when I expected greed, there was none
when I expected sulking, there was very little
What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis
to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff
To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood
to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this
some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later
I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection
I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.
Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
nightmares
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
unmanageable...
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter
grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times
well thats how it is for me anyway
ITS PASSING
as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection
Keep coming back
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Cant think of a title Yet
Continue to watch for selfishness,
dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these
crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss
them with someone immediately and make amends
quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely
turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and
tolerance of others is our code. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous
I am grateful
This week, I have experienced
human emotions, feelings
uncrippled emotions, feelings
and dealt with them as they came up
not tried to meddle
not tried to deny
not wallowed
just felt
real powerful feelings, emotions
identified them
and let them remain in the day
which is a blessing as different ones came up each day
Its an amazing experience living sober
I have no wish to escape whats going on
infact in a surreal way, I welcome it
inspite of the pain I have felt this week
I want to keep on
I want to experience
I want to take part
I want to be part of
this family is going through something
every family goes through at some point
we are not special or different
everyones mum/sister/whatever dies at somepoint
they dont all die by the same lead up thats all
She aint dying yet
she starts chemo monday
I get to see her saturday
We get to spend time in the present
I have/am clearing away away my resentments
addressing my defective thinking
Restraint of tongue and pen is progressing
doing my part in clearing the channel
between me and my Higher power
Put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
Your job now is to be at the place where you
may be of maximum helpfulness to others,
so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful
P102 Alcoholics Anonymous
I will
I was doing the right things because I ought to
Now I am doing the right things because I want to
God has done again for me what I couldnt do for myself
My faith is enlarging
My reliance on God is progressing steadily
Real life is do-able
A day at a time
Keep on keeping on
Doing my lousy best
What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved
to be the loving and powerful hand of God.
A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
P28 Alcoholics Anonymous
Thank you
dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these
crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss
them with someone immediately and make amends
quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely
turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and
tolerance of others is our code. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous
I am grateful
This week, I have experienced
human emotions, feelings
uncrippled emotions, feelings
and dealt with them as they came up
not tried to meddle
not tried to deny
not wallowed
just felt
real powerful feelings, emotions
identified them
and let them remain in the day
which is a blessing as different ones came up each day
Its an amazing experience living sober
I have no wish to escape whats going on
infact in a surreal way, I welcome it
inspite of the pain I have felt this week
I want to keep on
I want to experience
I want to take part
I want to be part of
this family is going through something
every family goes through at some point
we are not special or different
everyones mum/sister/whatever dies at somepoint
they dont all die by the same lead up thats all
She aint dying yet
she starts chemo monday
I get to see her saturday
We get to spend time in the present
I have/am clearing away away my resentments
addressing my defective thinking
Restraint of tongue and pen is progressing
doing my part in clearing the channel
between me and my Higher power
Put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
Your job now is to be at the place where you
may be of maximum helpfulness to others,
so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful
P102 Alcoholics Anonymous
I will
I was doing the right things because I ought to
Now I am doing the right things because I want to
God has done again for me what I couldnt do for myself
My faith is enlarging
My reliance on God is progressing steadily
Real life is do-able
A day at a time
Keep on keeping on
Doing my lousy best
What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved
to be the loving and powerful hand of God.
A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works.
P28 Alcoholics Anonymous
Thank you
Friday, January 13, 2006
I Have Faith
"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran
"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran
"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran
"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran
Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before
I now see why i am still here, not there
as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has
we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis
thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed
I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...
yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you
Leave it be now Johno, let go
this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...
there are no coincidences
two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week
Its a beautiful day
Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran
Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times
"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran
"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran
"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran
Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before
I now see why i am still here, not there
as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has
we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis
thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed
I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...
yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you
Leave it be now Johno, let go
this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...
there are no coincidences
two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week
Its a beautiful day
Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran
Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times
Monday, January 09, 2006
I am grateful and also am scared
My mums scans being clear
my mum being in a positive mood today
the oncologist being positive
being sober
having said that i am
feeling scared... people drink when their mums get ill/die
i feeling abit lost
i dont feel strong
am ill aswell which dont help
this too shall pass
i need to have faith
lean on my higher power
natural instinct is to tell everyone
those i tell just say am doing the right things
it dont seem like am doing enough
i guess I just have to have faith
i been honest with them
they can see better than me at the moment
Day at a time
whether i drink or not is not my business
i can only put in the footwork
do the right things
seek counsel
let go
God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen
any other ideas ?
my mum being in a positive mood today
the oncologist being positive
being sober
having said that i am
feeling scared... people drink when their mums get ill/die
i feeling abit lost
i dont feel strong
am ill aswell which dont help
this too shall pass
i need to have faith
lean on my higher power
natural instinct is to tell everyone
those i tell just say am doing the right things
it dont seem like am doing enough
i guess I just have to have faith
i been honest with them
they can see better than me at the moment
Day at a time
whether i drink or not is not my business
i can only put in the footwork
do the right things
seek counsel
let go
God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen
any other ideas ?
Sunday, January 08, 2006
My Mothers a Superhero
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works. P28
It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15
My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that
When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell
Am grateful today
that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing
that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in
that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero
Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102
I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!
Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is
Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos
What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity
Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere
God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith
All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15
My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that
When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell
Am grateful today
that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing
that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in
that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero
Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102
I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!
Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is
Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos
What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity
Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere
God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith
All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I keep remembering
Stuff
Feeling tearful today, getting mixed up at work, felt like I was doing more wrong than right. Its that bad hair time of the month again, but it is also a time when I get in touch with my truth, the stuff thats really going on ... if i choose to. Its like my eyes have been on the verge of welling up, but they were very clear & blue today...because i checked.
Stuck it out to the end and went to a meeting,
I remembered.... how I so wanted to make you make you better, be less manic, less crazy, less sick. I thought for ages, years meant well. I thought you SHOULD be weller than me because you got more loads more sobriety than me. When was it that I realised that it doesnt work like that. That you seeked to know what/who you really are. Your authentic self. You may not always like how you are, but at least you have accepted it. You have reached YOUR level of comfortableness. When I stopped fighting, stopped playing God and really listened to what you were saying, I heard you ...
Suddenly I loved you, even though I didnt always like you. And now you are gone... gone far away, but what you left behind for me is beautiful.
You showed on my first 24 hours that "There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all" you showed me the insanity of my thinking, that you thought like that too or else how could you have known? I thought it was all a coincidence. You shared about your sponsors, steps, the changes you had seen in others brought on by the programme, the pod people, the grip of the bedclothes everymorning, who is it that tucks the duvet in that tight I cant get out of bed again, that paralyses my arms & legs during the night, only releasing me at somepoint saturday afternoon. You proved to me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A LAUGH WITHOUT ALCOHOL. And you continued to do that right until you went.
All it took was for me to ask you for a Marlboro and you to ask me to go for a coffee. You 12 stepped me. Total identify. Such a fricking laugh. You even told me that the winners would tell me to stay away from you. You were right. You knew that at less than 24hrs sober, how vulnerable I was & but still you told me what I needed to hear. You even gave me space when my sponsor suggested (ORDERED) 100% abstinence from you. When I defied her you bollocked me. You even got me admitting (out loud for Gods sake) how crazy my thinking is, even on my most sane days. You are truly a gift of my sobriety.
Thank you for loving me in a way that I needed, not what I wanted.
Thank you for showing me how you practiced "To Thine Own Self be True" How you accepted the things you couldnt change, sought the courage to try and change the things you could, and you found wisdom to know the difference. Most of the time...
I love you x
Til we meet again
Feeling tearful today, getting mixed up at work, felt like I was doing more wrong than right. Its that bad hair time of the month again, but it is also a time when I get in touch with my truth, the stuff thats really going on ... if i choose to. Its like my eyes have been on the verge of welling up, but they were very clear & blue today...because i checked.
Stuck it out to the end and went to a meeting,
I remembered.... how I so wanted to make you make you better, be less manic, less crazy, less sick. I thought for ages, years meant well. I thought you SHOULD be weller than me because you got more loads more sobriety than me. When was it that I realised that it doesnt work like that. That you seeked to know what/who you really are. Your authentic self. You may not always like how you are, but at least you have accepted it. You have reached YOUR level of comfortableness. When I stopped fighting, stopped playing God and really listened to what you were saying, I heard you ...
Suddenly I loved you, even though I didnt always like you. And now you are gone... gone far away, but what you left behind for me is beautiful.
You showed on my first 24 hours that "There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all" you showed me the insanity of my thinking, that you thought like that too or else how could you have known? I thought it was all a coincidence. You shared about your sponsors, steps, the changes you had seen in others brought on by the programme, the pod people, the grip of the bedclothes everymorning, who is it that tucks the duvet in that tight I cant get out of bed again, that paralyses my arms & legs during the night, only releasing me at somepoint saturday afternoon. You proved to me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A LAUGH WITHOUT ALCOHOL. And you continued to do that right until you went.
All it took was for me to ask you for a Marlboro and you to ask me to go for a coffee. You 12 stepped me. Total identify. Such a fricking laugh. You even told me that the winners would tell me to stay away from you. You were right. You knew that at less than 24hrs sober, how vulnerable I was & but still you told me what I needed to hear. You even gave me space when my sponsor suggested (ORDERED) 100% abstinence from you. When I defied her you bollocked me. You even got me admitting (out loud for Gods sake) how crazy my thinking is, even on my most sane days. You are truly a gift of my sobriety.
Thank you for loving me in a way that I needed, not what I wanted.
Thank you for showing me how you practiced "To Thine Own Self be True" How you accepted the things you couldnt change, sought the courage to try and change the things you could, and you found wisdom to know the difference. Most of the time...
I love you x
Til we meet again
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