Saturday, March 01, 2008

1. Where are you? Have you really gone forever? and 2. Step 11 and 3. HALT

why did you go?
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?

lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance

Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing

Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?

There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween

All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17

I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?

Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies

What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?

I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?

I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now

What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!

Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no

Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?

This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this

He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98

It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be

but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement

See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me

Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true

Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me

Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?

Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping

and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

well there is no separation, even with those that are deceased. they are 'there' just like they always were. how can they relocate? if there is no separate self? if there is only one consciousness, then how could they ever ? be separated from you? the outward physical reminder is gone, but only that.
to ask why? assumes that you are capable of understanding the complexity of life. you cant. no human can. its incredibly complex. infinitely !!! complex. words cannot describe it. the level of thought is inadequate for grasping it. its just too difficult.
but if you want 'fellowship' with the deceased, you CAN do that. Tich nhat hanh describes it in
Thich Nhat Hanh - Birth and Death are Just a Game of Hide and Seek

its just mothers day and exams looming that is getting to you. Bottom line is we are NOt here to 'get our own way'. as Eckhart Tollw says: Relationships are NOt here to make you HAPPY, they are here to make you CONSCIOUS. Sounds like an 'attack of the pain body'.
'Bad' things happen all the time and will continue to do so. Our job is to remain open and conscious to life and try to live well and do the next right thing. enjoy the little things. Imagine what tich nhat hanh felt like during the vietnam war. imagine watching that first hand and remaining conscious? !! some monks set fire to themselves in protest. pretty heavy! and very very bloody. well i am glad he is still alive and he helps show me what gratitude is in the presence of heavy losses, and everything really. life involves losses. compared to most on the planet, our lives are incredibly easy, no poverty, or destitution to deal with. militarized regimes, torture and state abduction. but yes, these things can hurt.

Have you seen this?
The Miniature Earth

sometimes it is just a 'poor me' attack. we aren't getting things own way, and we don't like it!
This too shall pass.

Shadow said...

part of grief (even about an illness) is anger. you're asking some good questions there. and you're walking the road to getting and feeling better. stay with it.

Rhonda said...

Pray, sleep and cry.
The nuts and bolts of life.

thinkin of you today.