Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Step 11 - Improve your conscious contact

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.p84

I am coming to believe
I have reached a turning point in Step 11

A few conversations in various forms
over the weekend
I realise how little I know
How childlike my faith actually is
It has seen me this far
And it has been enough
It has worked
but is it enough to see me on for the next few years?
No, i dont think so
I feel like I am entering my teenage years!
in this life area, (all my affairs)
....Coming of age!

What I am hearing is
Find your faith and follow it
devotion, grown in understanding

The time has come
It doesnt matter which way
Only good will come of it
To grow upwards a little more
Like in AA, dont take the cafeteria attitude
Find one and do it
get in the middle of the bed!

Up until a few weeks ago I felt
Consciously competent
in my faith - God and anythings possible
But this last week
I feel an unravelling
this weekend I felt like I fell apart
not in the nervous breakdown falling apart
just my old ideas in this area
are in need of some WORK
Its stopped working
God I love you
Show me whats next

Feeling consciously incompetent
with hope

Doing lots of crying
Last night I went home
and cried most of the evening
heavy gut wrenching sobbing
I can only describe what I feel around
this grief
is out of control
like a ship in a stormy sea
no idea when the next wave will come
no idea how strong it will be
no idea if we will come out alive!

Sadness around i didnt cuddle her enough when she was sick
sadness she suffered
sadness it was so ugly
sadness she died forever

I need help with this
and I have made some calls
bereavement / care / spiritual

This too shall pass
Letting go
Growing up
Letting people in
willing to change my ideas

Keep on keeping on


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I need development of step 11 to stay sane. i have no clue ? how people manage without it after a certain point. i see retreats and such as pretty mandatory after step 9. just my view. saves me a lot of hassle as a sponsor. things get better quicker. less grief for me to deal with!

i like this programme as it seems to reflect the interconnectedness (or non dual) nature of reality, but describes it in scientific terms. reality is very weird. time and space are not nearly as simple as they look. one can only ?? try! (unsuccessfully) to imagine what it involves..


Parallel Universes - BBC documentary - Part 1

i think ken wilber manages to explain parts of it quite well, but all you really need to know is eckhart tolle stuff. you dont really need any more detail than that. its the practice that counts. but being around good meditation teachers reveals a great deal. much more than book s ever could. and there are some very good ones in london and in nearby monasteries. free too! the human element is important. makes the 'theory' real, if you know what i mean. ive always found contentious and skillful monks and nuns to be a useful example, if you know no others like that in 'normal' life. they are not so easy ! to find in domestic life.

Syd said...

Recognizing those feelings is good. And it will pass. Some days are just sad for me. I inventory and get to the root of it. Generally, it's my fear of abandonment and loss that are at the base of my fears. Making calls to my sponsor helps. I know that I am learning from those bad times too.

dAAve said...

My experience with matters spiritual are that as long as I want improvement, it will come. It need not be forced.

Shadow said...

keep on... yes!

molly said...

Something is certainly stirring.. i hate it when i'm feeling "stirred up" and it feels like at that moment, God FEELS so far away. and I can't figure out what is going on. But then again, maybe we're aren't always supposed to at the very moment we are feeling so much pain. i'm lovin ya from afar here in the U.S. girlie girl. my heart is "with" ya.