Saturday, March 29, 2008

Listening and paddling with eyes and ears wide open

Venerable Robina Courtin
Being Sane in a Mad World (10)

I only listened to number (10) OMG
now I find theres another 9 before it...

And another load here

I felt like this the first time
I went on an Alpha Course
I Highly recommend it if you haven't
I did it at Holy Trinity Brompton
No they didnt drag or me into Christianity
they simply laid out their kit of spiritual tools
what works for them
and I just "laid there" metaporically speaking
eyes and ears wide open
I made some good friends too

Also this week Listened to Ajahn Munindo
Mindful Madness
Its the first time I heard
"talk" about suicidal thoughts
in a matter of fact way
I am aware of when they come in me
and I am aware of what circumstances they come in me
They do not scare me anymore/rarely in themselves
Its a wake up call to what is surrounding them/it
to take action of be more mindful
This I learned before Munindo
But it helps to hear someone talk about it
without it being a big deal
its just a part of me
its a thought that comes
at self will completely run riot point!
often! but not always...

I am grateful...
Also listening to study lectures
and reading study stuff
and doing step 10's and praying
going to work
accepting my own unmanageability
even though I appear ? perfect
I know I am not!
Letting others in

Trying to do my job
Its getting really odd...unfamiliar
Things people said to me this week, different people...
in the workplace...
"I think I need to get my alcohol and sex addiction sorted out..."
"You dont know what mental thoughts are going off in my head"
"I feel like a duck frantically kicking and not getting anywhere"
"I didnt even manage a week, I failed"
"If only i could get organised..."
"Yeh i'm in a relationship, but I cant seem not not go with other.."

God whats going on please?
I am letting go of so much outside stuff
so much brain/mental stuff outside
even having regular early nights!
and I get filled up more during office hours...
almost to distraction...
whats going on?
Yeh you dont give me more than I can handle
whatever! i'll just keep paddling
trying not to give advise
you just do your thing..

For some reason I feel a great love
and huge gratitude
for being sober
AA, God and everyone I have ever listened to and read
inside and outside the fellowship
Theres a part of me that feels Alive

1 comment:

Christine said...

what a blessing to be able to feel that ALIVE part!