Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

Grace

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You

Am I wasting the Grace I have been given?

you know these emails we get
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...

Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london

I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)

I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace

On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.

A question asked was

If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?

am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?

Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for

I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm

yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)

I want do do something
people matter

Its not about making money
God provides...

I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul

Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means

I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough

I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey

I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently

I have fresh air
I love it

I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given

Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline

Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I

No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it

Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)

My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?

Have you felt like that?

I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85

Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference

Faith without works is dead p.76

Prayer - Pray as you can - NOT as you can't

I have noticed much of my prayers
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent

I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others

I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good

I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)

So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow

this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless

Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)

6 years today

so grateful
keep coming back

grateful to enjoy
the joys and challenges
life brings

suns hot again already and its only 9am
2 days left of holiday
in this credit crunch time
I am glad I live by the sea :)

I am for the first time
in 42 years
addressing
losing some weight
I have never had to do this
just toning before
somehow its crept on
BMI says "prone to health issues"
which would be about right...
body parts have started playing up
and there is no apparant reason...

now I know
I have to do something...

the spiritual path gets narrower
when you know better
you then have a responsibility
to do better (or at least try)

If I don't
then I suffer the consequences
towing the line
conforming
fitting myself in (or wedging myself in)
surrender to win
Let Go and Let God
Into Action
are the keys

Grateful to AA
given me a life I never had .. only dreamed

Strawberry Swing

Cold Play

Strawberry Swing

enjoy the ... chalk drawing!!

i love the sneaking in in tip toes bit
and the giant squirrel firing arrows!!

awseom

Just for today - accepting powerlessness

Just for today

Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens

I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)

i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad

I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho

Four Forces issue 203

First Force: Love

Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.

Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.

“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”

“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."

which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is

what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around

My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it

At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!

see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?

ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue

keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)