Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now?

Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now? 

The answers to those 3 
questions are yes yes and yes

I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder. 
Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy. 
People, substance, things, places... Damaging. 
Cant live with it, 
cant live without it. 
Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.

Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion. 
I resented others and inside 
i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.

One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal,  was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober. 

Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on) 
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes. 
Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.

Is it much better now? 
Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human. 

Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come. 

What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing  not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes. 

There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something. 

Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.

Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)

Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.

Yeh man recovery rocks !!


If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

Rob Parsons - Bringing Home the prodigals

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound saved a soul like me

step 5
We admitted to ourselves, God
And another human being

All my
Self pity
Self centredness
Etc etc
In detail

Nothing missed
In return
No judgement
Unconditional love

In a further annual houseclean
More recent resentments and fears
Further layers peeled
Revealing deeper and remaining
Huge self will
Etc etc
In great detail
Nothing missed again
More grace
No judgement
Uncondititional love

A few years later
Further layers peeled
Further stuff
Is revealed
Or same stuff
At a deeper level
Again grace
No judgement

This week
My past stuff
My fears of rejection because
Of my past stuff
became Unbearable
Prolonging the rejection
Became sloth
And so, out of choice!?
Not because they asked me
As part of my application
For my future position
In ministry it became
Essential for me to
Let go absolutely
And reveal stuff i did
Lived and breathed
As part of my experience
Strength and hope
And all i want to do
Is carry message
Give hope
Reach out to the unloveable
Whatever that means
And for my own growth
Continue to be a part of
Church family
Be a part of
Take my coat off and stay
Perhaps when someone
Who comes in with bag of stuff
Which they too feel excludes
Them from church
Can offer them a cuppa tea
And warm welcome
Be responsible
Not anonymously

It is gods will i go into ministry
I am afraid of not being able to
Communicate whats needed
I am afraid of being misunderstood
I am afraid of rejection

Like my sponsor said
Its just stuff

Yeh i opened right up this week
Gave them my bag of stuff
In greater details
All stuff i done
No holding back
Yet honesty that i dont do
This stuff now
And have no wish to go back to it
Human acceptance is lovely
They understood and still
Gave me the application to fill in
Anyway !!!

Complete honesty
Is essential in certain circumstances
Not everyone can deal with it
Not everyone needs to hear it
But in this instance
Wisdom to know the difference
Came to me with clarity

Stop being so nice to me!!!!!!!!

Seems my calling is evident
I am a messenger
I love people
Peoples suffering makes me cry
I cant fix people
But i dont run off
Walking alongside is such a gift
And being walked next to
At the same time is priceless

God is amazing
AA is awesome
Fellowship rocks !!



Thursday, March 17, 2011

Written step 10's still work - make space for grace

Even though i KNOW
The power of written step 10's
Still suprises me

Everytime i begin just writing
Painfully hard to actually
Do it properly at times
Because i just dont want to
Yet i do want to
Because i KNOW
Amazing change happens
When i do

step 10's are my time
With god
Time which i need to make
This is my prayer and meditation
Time with god
Getting honest
Praying it out
And answers are coming

In this season of nightmares
as comes when i am out of control
I mean all around me is not going my way
Or not clear, or not decided
Or unfinished, or in progress
Further false promises at work
More and more is put upon us
The more i want to
Go back to living in a tent
In epping forest for the summer
or go and flake out for the summer
Do something else

S'funny how i want to go back
To when i had no possessions
Nothing much
Now i have so much
Its like a burden
Yet to get rid is difficult

Like i said before
Owning a property can be good
Can be bad
Renting a property can be good
Can be bad

Anyway im gonna see what
Blockbuster horror film my head
Picks out for tonights nightmare

Step10's are stabilisers
They empty our heads
And make space for grace

Work to live?
Live to work?
No .... Job or no job....
Relationship with HP is key

God show me what it is
You want me to do next

Monday, March 14, 2011


Without Forgiveness we die inside

Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.

If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.

If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.

Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.

Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons

It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down

I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing

Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears

My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA

My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God

So far they have not said no...
and neither has God

Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work

good grief

Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God

feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough

getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world

God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped