Monday, September 12, 2005

somethings occuring

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I dont understand how i never understood what this meant before
Or i wasnt ready to do it myself
but somethings happening to me NOW
So God, you knew its was time & i could handle it
And as usual... you were right
its ok its kind of good
the ugly truth came out
i had a choice to hold onto my old ideas...
do it my miserable, lonely, secretive, dishonest way
i so have been complicating stuff

or let go of my old ideas as it says in How it works Chapter 5
i chose to try & let go of 3 people and an old old fix over a week ago
(dishonest/deluded thinking & acting)
I chose to try and grow up, let go absolutely
cutting the umbilical cord
stabilisers off
arm bands & ego deflated
open up the channel, free float directly with the spirit of the universe
stop using people & things to fix/as a solution to anything
become reliant upon a Power Greater than ouselves
i became willing on these two areas of my life
letting no person/place or thing stand in the way of my higher power
its not a sponsor that keeps me sober
its no one else either
in fact its no thing
its not my agility in reeling off the steps -
its not knowledge that keeps me sober
it is Gods will that my obsession to drink is lifted today
its a power greater than ourselves that granted me a sober day
its a power greater than ourselves thats restored me to sanity today
all i have is a daily reprieve
all i came here for was cos....
i had a problem with drink & my life had become so unmanageable
it was unbearable being me
AA have given me a solution & much more besides if i wanted it

i wanted it

I have had to let go of some pretty old ideas, because the results have been nil
they have caused me resentments & fear
Change or die
praying through the day, asking only for his will & the power to carry it out
written step 10's throughout the day like theres no tomorrow
helping others, giving freely
gratitude lists
the big books coming alive
giving time time, giving my HP time to show me his will

since letting go, am amazed
strange, uncomfortable at times,
but ultimately wonderful things have been occuring
my eyes are wide & my ears are hearing
It would be arrogant of me to ignore the signs & say they are coincidences
How many God moments am i gonna have this week ?
Everything IS teaching me

Am truly blessed
the sky didnt fall in
good things are happening to me & to people around me
am handling stuff you wouldnt believe
even making mistakes & its ok
its like someone keeps switching the lights on and off inside me
and i like it (its all frikkin alien though)
the best is yet to come ?
how much better can it get......God ?
I am so grateful

See what happens when you hold the fork ?
God have i got to let go of the fork aswell....?

Progress not Perfection
Keep on keeping on

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Today feel a new freedom


i am looking at the world through my own eyes
i am seeing it, feeling it for myself, not what i think you want me to see, feel
i am making a conscious contact with the truth, with reality
living every moment myself
i am not alone
i have to and want to
i am experiencing
my mind has further opened
my eyes wider opening
my God there really are no limits
there is a whole load of new sharing or is it?
i am hearing, same people, different ears (mine)
also listening to different people

i thought i would never survive if Friday ever happened
what do i know anyway...
i have extra time appeared from nowhere
the minutes seem like hours, God what a gift
i feel some freedom in my heart in my spirit
i have my own thoughts new thoughts, based upon proven results,
gained through my experience, not old ideas or vague maybes
i am not thinking what you would tell me to do
i am doing what i know works already
i am keeping on
it still works even without you being there
i havent fallen over
the sky didnt fall in

3 obsessions i let go of Friday
another "acting out" i ditched it all Sunday
all i have is a daily reprieve
thats all i need, because i only have today
if i can do something for 12 hours.....
how many things am i doing effortlessly JUST FOR TODAY
a frikkin miracle
honesty, openmindedness, willingness
all i have to do is try
progress not perfection
no i dont know it all
all i know is that it continues to work, while i work it
its my job to continue to work it
is this what independence feels like?


i asked myself who let go of who?
i was already letting go
i already decided not to go no further the way i felt with you and the step8/9
i already knew we wasnt working
i just didnt know what to do about it
i thought we HAD to make it work
i thought it was down to you to sort it out
if it was down to you i could be the victim

i dont want to be a victim to anyone anymore
since Friday i dont feel a victim nor victor
rejected, abandoned....
nope they dont fit, i am glad i checked them out for size
relieved, hopeful, useful, with purpose, part of....
yep they fit
i feel ok
you did the right thing
i was ready to move on
i just didnt know how
thank you for sponsoring me
thank you for letting me go
its time to grow
am grateful for this magical mysterious fellowship i am part of
God moves in mysterious ways
am grateful for that too


I see that i am improving on being...
a friend amongst friends, worker amongst workers, part of a family
I also see that some people...
may always know me as emotionally dependent on them
They may be right, i dunno what the future holds
i am no saint, i just do my best
All i have is a daily reprieve from my defects, flaws, difficulties, obsessions
Its my job to take action, do the right things
my job to kick these into remission for the happiness of myself and others
there are no days off
am grateful for all this stuff

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Walking upright again

Today i am grateful for

waking without fear
letting myself rest
knowing when i was starting to isolate & getting up
for having a washing machine at home
for not having self pity
for feeling worth it
for doing some tidying
for doing some step10s
for starting my gratitude list early
for having a purpose in life
for feeling useful
for the texts i got today
for seeinmg how other peoples have fears for me
for the mirror that was put in front of me
for my progress in the last two years

for feeling that this really is time for spiritual growth
for wanting to change
for being willing to change
for feeling part of many
for having clean water to drink
for the sun shining
for having a south and west facing home
for not having to go out to get some rays

for having a meeting to go to later
for having agreed to call back one of my "Help" people this afternoon
for being teacheable
for the seed of Al-anon being rewatered again last night
for knowing its being watered for a reason
for not having to know why today

for feeling an inner strength
for not dreading work tomorrow
for the acknowledging i had a void
for also seeing its not as big as my head told me it was going to be
for seeing my head is not to be trusted
for not regretting the past
for having so much gratitude so early in the day

for calling the "help" person back
for what was on offer to me
for being told to have confidence in my own ability to make a decision
for reading How it works instead of calling up someone for advice on advice
for allowing someone else in
for having confidence in my own abilities
for allowing a change to take place
for being teachable
for making some room for spiritual growth
for making a decision to talk further

for calling someone up about a change in my meetings next week
for explaining why without my pride getting in the way
for passing ion my experiences in the last 24hours
for accepting that there are lots of happy people over 10 years sober
for seeing how dependent i have been
for not beating myself up

for going to a meeting
for it being step4
for seeing my emotional security is a biggie
for seeing that its ok to start the steps over
for seeing its my pride only that says "oh god i might have to start again"
for hearing the benefits of going back & doing it different
for hearing this is not about doing a perfect 12 step programme
for listening to the positives
for seeing my perfectionism/controlfreakness is strangling
for not sitting apart, for getting in the middle front
for not listening to my head that i have nothing to pass on today

for going for coffee with someone new
for doing what i do normally
for having purpose
for letting go
for opening my mind further today

for this 1930's tiled floor under my lino
for finishing renovating my wooden floor
for having a home
for being safe
for being sober
for being alive
for being hopeful & with purpose
for being on this big adventure
for having a loving Higher Power
for a growing inner peace
for keeping things very very simple
for you showng me whats going on outside my "world"
for being grateful

Hand in Hand

Learning to be honest
accepting i have been dishonest, holding back stuff
getting honest took courage

Today I am grateful for
praying for guidance on sponsorship
getting a phone call from someone who knows better than i
getting bathed
eating breakfast
doing an early meeting
doing some washing
not getting a resentment because the shops had run out of milk
not getting a resentment that another shop i needed was closed
having another meeting to go to

going to the meeting even though I would be late
not sitting at the back, getting in the middle of the row
for the woman stood next to me that asked me am i ok?
for my ability to say no & showing my pain
for the newcomer that asked if i was ok
for my ability to say tearful but going for coffee to chat about it
for not passing on my drama to someone who "may" not be able to handle it
for not running off after the meeting

for accepting the friendly womans offer to go for coffee
for not getting drawn into going to her house, keeping to a cafe
for allowing my tears
for listening to her
for "Rejection is Gods protection"
for allowing me to take a new word and apply it to summarise my feelings "Rejected"
for still having a manageable amount of self pity
for the love i was receiving
for it penetrating through in bits
for accepting what i have been is co-dependent
for her suggestions re Letting go
for her sharing her stuff around her son rejecting her
for this non judgemental people that i am surrounding myself with
for staying in the present, staying focussed
for leaving with a clear direction what i was gonna do next
for leaving with no fear of the future
for saying out loud the best is yet to come

for taking a long walk to my spiritual place
for seeing a pelican close up
for the beautiful sunny day
for the warmth in my bones
for the background music from Jaguar in the bandstand
remembering time here with my mum last year
a "god moment" she texted me while was lying there
for the squirrels
for the birds
for the water
for Mother Nature, she heals me gently
for having a kip in the sun

for going to a different meeting openminded
for getting another word which summarises my feelings "abandoned"

for getting a call back from one of my "help" messages left yesterday
for the suggestion of doing step10 around me and my sponsor
for the suggestions around step8
for seeing that i felt disloyal by getting resentful
for seeing thats all part of the co-dependency
for taking advice from someone who knows better
for my fear of this person being lifted
for me being able to take advice (i have no choice if i want to get restored to sanity)
for having a conversation about being let go without crying
for allowing the healing process to take place

for making a decision to stay for the next meeting
for replying to a text with honesty, experience strength & hope
for a "God moment" when the author of the text appeared at the meeting
for having a laugh
for "And acceptance is the answer" being read out
for God doing for me what i could do for myself ie read the passage myself
for the newcomer who shared about inability to cry, expectations around sponsorship, not accepting that a sponsor wasnt there to treat all problems, just to take the sponsee through AAs 12steps, and thinking about suicide
for the mirror that was just put in front of me
for seeing i am not there, because i didnt listen to my old thinking yesterday
for my friend knowing the newcomer
for talking after the meeting
for the similarities

for staying for the next meeting
for feeling my whole empty out
for knowing for me the solution was to share gratitude & hope, blow the fear off the planet
for asking god to help me share his will
for getting picked to share
for not hanging around to chat again, letting go

going to another meeting because i wasnt sure if i was done
not sharing in the meeting, and sharing after appropriately
for knowing i was hungry & tired & coming home

for being sober, alive, with hope, being part of
for the suggestions
for newcomers
for being teachable
for my willingness to grow
for the grace of God
for the dignity i have today
for getting home safe
for the good programme & spiritual tools my sponsor passed on to me
for seeing the programme is working, it was just our relationship that wasnt
seeing my sponsor as just another alky, not a Guru, God etc
hearing other people today who also have what i want
for having glimpses of what i dont want next time
for having glimpses of what i do
for seeing what i could possibly have
for being grateful
for having a level of acceptance
having a reasonable level of comfortableness to sleep with
for having a loving God
for not having the suffering thats going on overseas
for remembering the fork

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The End & The Beginning in one day

When i woke this morning, i could not have predicted how today would go.
I went to work
I did my job
I wasnt a victim at lunchtime
I bought a card & posted it, at the right time
I was let go by my sponsor
I wanted to be taken back, i was willing, would try harder etc etc
The answer was still no
A minute of Acceptance

My old thinking started working,
(how can I do it without YOU, i only want what YOU have, no-one else will be as good as YOU, i am not going to get it now without YOU, how can YOU let me go now? How am i gonna get well now? You cant be serious, can YOU? am gonna go on a steep decline back to drinking...)

I saw that my sponsor had become & maybe always had been my higher power
I saw how I wasnt putting Principles Before Personalities (Tradition 12)
I saw that she had
I saw that i have been trying to manipulate the relationship past "taking me through the steps"
I saw she had been just taking me through the steps & showing me spiritual tools

I called up people who in my opinion would know better than me what to do
I called up people who wouldnt pity me
I called up people who had a level of sobriety/comfortableness/knowledge of the programme that I liked
It was suggested that I pray to be shown Gods will around sponsorship
I allowed the tears & was told its ok
I acknowledged my feeling of relief i felt
I acknowledged that I didnt feel impending doom
I acknowledged my part in this
I didnt take my Sponsors inventory
I acknowledged my difficulty
I acknowledged my need to change
I acknowledged my willingness
I was told I wouldnt drink over it
I didnt question or analyse that statement, i just listened
Whether I drink or not over this is none of my business, irrelevent today

It was suggested not to panic
It was suggested that I be openminded
It was suggested that I keep my praying really simple for now
It was suggested not to rush into another Sponsor
I was called by another AA who was worried about a social occasion
I was able to pass on my own experience & to ask HP for guidance
I didnt share what had just happened to me

I left work on time
Undecided which out of two meeting i was going to
Spoke with another AA who knows better than me
More tears, more letting go, more acceptance, more relief, more hope
Feeling of this is my chance to grow
This is my chance to change if i am willing
This is all in Gods hands

I went to meet some fellowship, pre meeting
I didnt spend money I havent got - ie didnt act out
I acknowledged my emotion of sadness/tears
I acknowledged that this is the right thing to happen
I acknowledged my part again, difficulty, need & willingness to change
I left with dignity insearch of my Higher Power & to cry
I admitted to my friend thats what I was going to do & did it

I sat in the most Spiritual place for me that I know of
I admitted to my HP that
1. i am aware of what my difficulty is & its a problem & cant solve alone
2. that he could help me with this, as its a big part of why i drank
3. I asked him to help me, show me his will and guide re sponsorship
4. I acknowledged my uncomfortableness & resentment
5. I admitted to him that I was fearful, it hadnt gone my way, that being hard on myself would be intolerant, that the fact i havent been able to deal with this difficulty yet is just my impatience.
6. I told him i was ready to have him remove the defects of character
7. I asked him to remove my shortcomings, my difficulties & defects
8. I realised that i was standing in the shoes of two people I had harmed on my Step8 list
I got grateful for this, feeling how they would have felt, willing, good intentions, done everything asked to the best of my ability, acknowleding my imperfections, but not being given a 2nd chance, not getting what I (the great me) wanted, no going back. Angry, shocked, disbelief, belief, scared, relief, small, hopeless, hopful. The decision was made not by me this time, i was powerless & had to accept it, as they had. There is no going back.
I acknowledged the beauty of my surroundings
i cried
called a couple of newcomers once i stopped crying

I went to the meeting
Asked how someone else was, heard how their pride had been hurt by their sponsor
9. no amend made to sponsor, only do what my has been asked of me, ie to not discuss it further
10. Spot checked my inventory, my pride had been dented aswell
11. Prayed to my HP to share His Will in the meeting
12. shared my experience, strength & hope & gratitude for the programme, fellowship & that I DO have a loving God in my life today, thanks to AA
After the meeting, talked to some people
Went for coffee, the meeting after the meeting
Didnt sit analysing whats happened
Made a simple plan of what to do tomorrow, no major changes, back to basics
HP, inventory, meetings, fellowship, newcomers, big book, gratitude, give & allow to be given
Talked about REM "Everybody Hurts" & how it gave me safety/hope for years, that identification, that I wasnt alone, that everybody crys sometime.
Got a "There really is a God" moment when it started playing in the cafe as I spoke about it
Got some more suggestions, letting go, minding my own business & keeping my side of the street clean, a day at a time
Acknowledged my physical pain i felt, i was starting to shake/shiver, shock
Realised I hadnt eaten for a while either
Acknowledged that I do not want to neglect myself or self harm
Acknowledged that this is for today, I may feel so different tomorow
Accepted that I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow
Acknowledged that i am a control freak
I have heard 4 times in the last 24 hours THERE ARE NO RULES
Time to let go & let God

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful that I havent drunk today, I dont want to drink today & for the spiritual tools i have been given & my willingness to use them... wheres the self pity ? the self pity i had was manageable until i projected, solution stop projecting & keep it in the day. ok

I am grateful for what I have been given so far, its been an amazing journey. Am grateful the above list and the lessons learnt so far. More will be revealed. Am grateful to other blogs for showing me whats going on outside of Johno's world, for giving me a better perspective.

That was today, I am now gonna eat, pray, cry & sleep

Grateful too for Remembering the fork - The best is yet to come
Rule #62 dont take yourself to seriously
Means accepting that i will make mistakes & accepting my imperfect self with dignity today

Keep on keeping on

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58

My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. P43

If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work P99

For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more P107

But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. P117

You will lose the old life to find one much better P120

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think.....Though the old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones,the new structures will take years to complete. p123

The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and one more failure P151

Again it was the old, insidiousinsanity -- that first drink P154

He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will knowloneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-offplace. He will wish for the end P152

A friend of mine commited suicide this week, she relapsed in June, had a nervous breakdown, and now she is dead. A progressive illness, RELASPE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS. Her last messages to me were ones of loneliness & a need for the light to be shed on her darkness.




Am grateful to have known Kim, in such a short time, we became friends

AA am grateful that i am alive and sober today, with a Sponsor thats shoots from the big book.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves COULD restore us to sanity" P59 by getting honest about my, old obsessive/destructive behaviour which i didnt know what to do with, except suffer with alone & dishonestly act out on, with fear. I got some hope tonight & a little calm. I became willing.

From what I can see & correct me when i am wrong, hanging on to, or acting out on, OLD ideas/thinking/behaviour only brings misery & pain... according to what I read in the Big Book tonight.

All pages quoted from Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

Kim VS you are with the Angels, no longer suffering

I had a dream

My heads in a spin, i am having to let go of possibly the biggest and most destructive old behaviour i have & its about killing me and my sponsor (imo) in the process.

I just got honest, in my own innocent demanding, childlike needy, give me more and more and more and more way, pissed my sponsor right off and my heads completely mashed up, i got shown the destruction & hurt that i can cause.

I dunno, this brainwashing .... well my brain needs washing is true for me

Its horrible that i leave this trail of worn out people along the way in my wreckage. i want this to stop NOW. But its not my in my time, its my HP's time.

So i dunno whats gonna happen next, get the sack ? lose my sponsor? drink again or do the steps and get my teeth off everybodies necks, God what have you got instore for me?

am i abusing this gift of AA ? STOP analysing. LEAVE IT THERE thats none of my business

Anyway they say pain is the touchstone of growth, i flippin hope so for both our sakes.

The dream on Monday night

I was lying in hospital with people around me, and the life support system has been turned off a while. There was this countdown going on, i was counting down the time I had left to turn the machine BACK ON. It was my choice if i did or did not, but if i got to Zero then its too late dead.
...... 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 at three i turned it back on.

Three is a significant number in my life today - read into that what you will

The steps restore me to sanity, i never had sanity before.