Saturday, September 03, 2005

The End & The Beginning in one day

When i woke this morning, i could not have predicted how today would go.
I went to work
I did my job
I wasnt a victim at lunchtime
I bought a card & posted it, at the right time
I was let go by my sponsor
I wanted to be taken back, i was willing, would try harder etc etc
The answer was still no
A minute of Acceptance

My old thinking started working,
(how can I do it without YOU, i only want what YOU have, no-one else will be as good as YOU, i am not going to get it now without YOU, how can YOU let me go now? How am i gonna get well now? You cant be serious, can YOU? am gonna go on a steep decline back to drinking...)

I saw that my sponsor had become & maybe always had been my higher power
I saw how I wasnt putting Principles Before Personalities (Tradition 12)
I saw that she had
I saw that i have been trying to manipulate the relationship past "taking me through the steps"
I saw she had been just taking me through the steps & showing me spiritual tools

I called up people who in my opinion would know better than me what to do
I called up people who wouldnt pity me
I called up people who had a level of sobriety/comfortableness/knowledge of the programme that I liked
It was suggested that I pray to be shown Gods will around sponsorship
I allowed the tears & was told its ok
I acknowledged my feeling of relief i felt
I acknowledged that I didnt feel impending doom
I acknowledged my part in this
I didnt take my Sponsors inventory
I acknowledged my difficulty
I acknowledged my need to change
I acknowledged my willingness
I was told I wouldnt drink over it
I didnt question or analyse that statement, i just listened
Whether I drink or not over this is none of my business, irrelevent today

It was suggested not to panic
It was suggested that I be openminded
It was suggested that I keep my praying really simple for now
It was suggested not to rush into another Sponsor
I was called by another AA who was worried about a social occasion
I was able to pass on my own experience & to ask HP for guidance
I didnt share what had just happened to me

I left work on time
Undecided which out of two meeting i was going to
Spoke with another AA who knows better than me
More tears, more letting go, more acceptance, more relief, more hope
Feeling of this is my chance to grow
This is my chance to change if i am willing
This is all in Gods hands

I went to meet some fellowship, pre meeting
I didnt spend money I havent got - ie didnt act out
I acknowledged my emotion of sadness/tears
I acknowledged that this is the right thing to happen
I acknowledged my part again, difficulty, need & willingness to change
I left with dignity insearch of my Higher Power & to cry
I admitted to my friend thats what I was going to do & did it

I sat in the most Spiritual place for me that I know of
I admitted to my HP that
1. i am aware of what my difficulty is & its a problem & cant solve alone
2. that he could help me with this, as its a big part of why i drank
3. I asked him to help me, show me his will and guide re sponsorship
4. I acknowledged my uncomfortableness & resentment
5. I admitted to him that I was fearful, it hadnt gone my way, that being hard on myself would be intolerant, that the fact i havent been able to deal with this difficulty yet is just my impatience.
6. I told him i was ready to have him remove the defects of character
7. I asked him to remove my shortcomings, my difficulties & defects
8. I realised that i was standing in the shoes of two people I had harmed on my Step8 list
I got grateful for this, feeling how they would have felt, willing, good intentions, done everything asked to the best of my ability, acknowleding my imperfections, but not being given a 2nd chance, not getting what I (the great me) wanted, no going back. Angry, shocked, disbelief, belief, scared, relief, small, hopeless, hopful. The decision was made not by me this time, i was powerless & had to accept it, as they had. There is no going back.
I acknowledged the beauty of my surroundings
i cried
called a couple of newcomers once i stopped crying

I went to the meeting
Asked how someone else was, heard how their pride had been hurt by their sponsor
9. no amend made to sponsor, only do what my has been asked of me, ie to not discuss it further
10. Spot checked my inventory, my pride had been dented aswell
11. Prayed to my HP to share His Will in the meeting
12. shared my experience, strength & hope & gratitude for the programme, fellowship & that I DO have a loving God in my life today, thanks to AA
After the meeting, talked to some people
Went for coffee, the meeting after the meeting
Didnt sit analysing whats happened
Made a simple plan of what to do tomorrow, no major changes, back to basics
HP, inventory, meetings, fellowship, newcomers, big book, gratitude, give & allow to be given
Talked about REM "Everybody Hurts" & how it gave me safety/hope for years, that identification, that I wasnt alone, that everybody crys sometime.
Got a "There really is a God" moment when it started playing in the cafe as I spoke about it
Got some more suggestions, letting go, minding my own business & keeping my side of the street clean, a day at a time
Acknowledged my physical pain i felt, i was starting to shake/shiver, shock
Realised I hadnt eaten for a while either
Acknowledged that I do not want to neglect myself or self harm
Acknowledged that this is for today, I may feel so different tomorow
Accepted that I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow
Acknowledged that i am a control freak
I have heard 4 times in the last 24 hours THERE ARE NO RULES
Time to let go & let God

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful that I havent drunk today, I dont want to drink today & for the spiritual tools i have been given & my willingness to use them... wheres the self pity ? the self pity i had was manageable until i projected, solution stop projecting & keep it in the day. ok

I am grateful for what I have been given so far, its been an amazing journey. Am grateful the above list and the lessons learnt so far. More will be revealed. Am grateful to other blogs for showing me whats going on outside of Johno's world, for giving me a better perspective.

That was today, I am now gonna eat, pray, cry & sleep

Grateful too for Remembering the fork - The best is yet to come
Rule #62 dont take yourself to seriously
Means accepting that i will make mistakes & accepting my imperfect self with dignity today

Keep on keeping on

4 comments:

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Some spam is amusing, Just For Today, i activated it, tomorrow I may deactivate it, no telling.