Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You

Monday, October 05, 2009

Am I wasting the Grace I have been given?

you know these emails we get
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...

Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london

I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)

I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace

On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.

A question asked was

If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?

am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?

Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for

I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm

yes I can come up with some dark stuff

I want do do something
people matter

Its not about making money
God provides...

I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul

Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means

I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough

I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey

I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently

I have fresh air
I love it

I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given

A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference

Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
You made a difference
and now so do I

No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it

Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)

My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick

Have you felt like that?

I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85

Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference

Faith without works is dead p.76