Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The day after - racing round the edge of the hole in the sand

I felt a huge wave of loss
stuff like
mum (mine)
what is it
what isnt it
why not
fiction and real
and blurred edges
why not
Hows it all feel?

Cried myself to sleep
hasnt happened for a while
need to happen
it happened

Conversation with God
is like loooking into the eyes
of an owl 12 inches away
I cant lie to it
it looks right into my soul
and knows whats going on
it dont say a word
it doesnt need to
even when I dont or wont look
It has a way of loosening the denial
even when I dont know there is any
then its my job to do some work

She held her own an awesome prescence!!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Contemplation .... Meditation ..... Improve conscious contact Step 11

As i sit for almost an hour
In contemplation meditation
Thoughts come and go
Maybe i should changes to
Do i need to do this God?
A real dialogue takes place
And although this evening
I dont get much back
I feel a real sense
Of knowing that
Being willing to make time
Real quiet time
Me a candle and the Spirit of the Universe
No external distractions
I get a answer to my Forheadache
I drink water
The headache goes
I hear so much going round
In my head yet
Nothing much to go on paper
Which leads me to ask
Is this exactly how its meant to be?
Is that why i am not
Feeling, selfish, dishonest, fearful?
My weakness's are apparant
As are my strengths
My friends know my weaknesses
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
My friends know my strengths
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
Its lovely really that 
I can be extremely
Vulnerable and strong
And each person is the same
Equal, not above or below
Equal, not powerful or weaker
Learning to remain equal
Yet also have my weaknessss
And strengths on show
At the same time
Yet different strenths and weakness
in diffent areas Of my life!!
Good grief!!! Raw.. Roar!!

Although i pray and listen
Through the day
I havent sat quietly purposefully
and had A conversation with God
Hand in hand with the Spirit of the universe
For so long
Just me and Him
There's no wrestling tonight God
Although it would be nice if 
You said something...!!

"i did Johno, i have been responding
Yet its been so long since you
Sat like this and chatted with me
that you have
Begun to think 
these are all your
Own Thoughts
thoughts from
The centre of yourself
Self centred ;-D"

God you are such a comedian
Sometimes, i forget
I nearly wrote them words again..

"well write them Johno... Because
Its true... "

Yeh God, i need to do this more!!
How often must you hear those words
In all contexts, not just prayer
People, experience growth, love
Something that needs doing more
And we know it...? You know it!!

"yes Johno, but this conversation
Is not about other people
This is about you and me isnt it?"

Yeh it is, so i come out of this
Without clear direction of
What needs changing
Or what am doing wrong..

"well do you think today
There is something more important
I have in mind for you? Else
Why did you start writing?"

Mmm capture some gratitude
I can worry about the fact
I have nothing to worry about
And i can analyse until
Blood comes out of a stone..

"johno, now that i would like to see ;-)"


I am grateful for...
Nice carpet to sit on
Cumfy cushions
Quiet neighboirs
My cat
My Devon friends
My church family
My AA friends
My own family
Health, physical health
Making a call to my gran
Keeping it simple while she is grieving
Asking for prayers for my uncle
Asking for prayers for my dad
Asking for prayers for my 2nd cousin
For the job which pays my bills
For the job which provides more than bills
For enjoying work today!
For my car
For not having to stand in the cold
For a warm train
For ipod
For podcasts to listen to when i have tired eyes
For my sight
For my hearing
Being able to love
Being able to feel love
For opportunity
For doors that close

For the gift of singing
For the gift of songwriting
For the gift of music
For words that come together
For meaningful sentences
For not understanding why people die
Of cancer Yet not blaming You
For a reminder that i do not know
When my expiry date is
For a comfy bed
For a softening heart
For a soul that i can hear these days
For a soul i am beginning to take care of
For a soul that takes care of me

For being sober and ! Sane :-D
For a sense of humour
For experiencing Grace
For acknowledging Grace
For feeling humble and grateful
For not knowing what i did to deserve all this and feeling blessed
For everyone who had a hand in me being here today
For insights my own and others
For experiences good and challenging
For not regretting the past no more
For understanding my loneliness
For loving my weaknesses 
For Mumford & Sons my latest inspirational music!!
For being taught by the most ramdom people
For receiving and passing on...
For being selfless and selfish
For being faithful and fearful
For being loving and kind aswell as ego filled
For feeling glad to have written this down
For a Spirit that lives in me and connects me with others so easily thesedays
Thank you :-)


Yeh you are





":-D xxxx come back soon and sit awhile
Johno, we should do this more"


Ps you know this hole dug in sand
That i am running round the edge of
Which feels like the edge could give way of
Any minute?


How do i not fall in?

"stop running so close to the edge? And why you are running round and round it so close to the edge, like some nutter?"

Because i like it...

"hmm sober and ! sane u said Johno... thank God i am here! Oh... I am God! Ah well, keep coming back Johno... Love ya"

Love u too God :-) am glad i can come back to you and u keep it simple for me, no religeon, no nothing, just u n me

"i know what u need when u need it Johno" enough now... Now  go and pray for those who need prayers this evening, because you can

ok, and i notice how thick the snow is falling now and 2 hours went by !!!