Thursday, December 29, 2005

Another day in the 4th Dimension

I am grateful

for being useful today
not doing what others did today
doing what i get paid to do
doing also what i been asked to do
not being a loafer "just because i can get away with it"
doing a days work, instead of fantasising

making another attempt at step4
Just for today & didnt act out when it hurt
Just for today I sat with it and did a bit more

got honest with another human being
being told its ok to be reminded
admitted my feeling vulnerable
seeing its ok to not do it perfect
seeing i need help
seeing thats the whole point
seeing how much I have acted out on my loneliness in the past
having choices today in more and more areas of my life
talking it instead of texting it

"scream in, scream out...time for healing"
(Just the way am feeling - Feeder)

for another sober day in the 4th dimension
and the willingness to get words down on paper

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Step 4

Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option

I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting

Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine

I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level

so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice

I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that

You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do

just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch

i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow

yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you

Shut the fuck up

Sunday, December 25, 2005

One Amazing Day

I am grateful for

Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done

Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment

arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place

being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means

walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough

doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE

HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done

I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy

then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways

There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air

I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful

Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again

Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world

My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety

Thy will not mine be done
let go let god

Another lesson in humility learned today

Thank you for another safe and sober day

Friday, December 23, 2005

Its becoming clear

that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on

put in the action
let go of the outcome

someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!

Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?

whats going on

I am grateful

for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given

Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me

oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,

"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"

Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up

I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home

Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I am grateful for...Accepting I am Lazy!

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and
the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful for.....
Finding out & accepting
I AM lazy & selfish re my work punctuality
Monday got up earlier, did the suggestions, still late
but with different attitude
today, got up earlier, and got to work ON TIME
with a different attitude

I choose to get to meetings on time
because i guess it suits me
the people who have what I want turn up early
stay after

I choose to stay in bed longer and get to work late
I choose to lie there with "all the people in my head"
its a choice, my bed time is more important than my employers
its my choice to make the time up, they have no choice
its all going my way, they dont discipline me
Selfish, chronically self centred, lazy.
yes its true when you put it like that
okay, okay, okay OKAYYYYY

I prayed last night, for my Higher Powers help
on my laziness, envy, selfish, inconsiderateness
and prone to waste money... now I have a little reserve
I prayed for me to live in the solution to these defects
to have loving thoughts, to be useful
to have consideration for other people time
to not waste money

I prayed it all again this morning
something happens when i pray like i mean it
even when its through gritted teeth
even when i stayed in the bath a little to long "with the people in my head"

I got to work on time....NOW THATS A MIRACLE

Am grateful for a sober day
having a sense of humour
for the meeting being fun tonight
for someone making it back after a drink last week
for being trusted
for being honest at work
for practicing To Thine Own self Be true at work
for my appraisal going better than expected

for being honest about my timekeeping
for my employer, overlooking this "difficulty"
(even when i get honest & not improve, they still chose not to discipline me)
(how can that be ????!!!)
for being willing to try and change my lateness
from an entirely different angle
for being willing to change... a day at a time
for finally seeing my lateness finally as part of my acting out
another "old idea" i hadnt be ready or willing to let go of
dishonest behaviour going on since childhood
like the late nights
i dont want to or need to be like this anymore

Progress NOT Perfection
Easy Does it but Do it
Day At A Time

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I am grateful for

Not lying in bed thinking for too long today
Doing some step4
Having a bath
Doing the stuff I intended to...
Meeting up with someone
Going to the theatre with someone else
Enjoying being in the moment
Sharing stuff

Having a friend take my inventory
Finding out I am...
My time is far more important than my employers...
(well it must be if I am to be judged upon my actions)
just because I dont turn up on time to work
see that "just because" minimising my behaviour
thats how important it isnt to me
if it was, i wouldnt do it
getting away with it, cos I can
i dont want that, not really
i am waiting to get disciplined
then i can pull out the poor me's
shouldov, i wish i hads...

Frickin ell...
too many similarities for this to be untrue
Now I know the truth...
do I choose to sit in denial & dishonesty
or face up and be willing to change

that was the sound of my ego being punctured


how many people am I gonna talk it through with
before I actually try it
how many years am i gonna live like this
try the suggestions a day at a time, for a couple of weeks
see what happens
I cant, i am on holiday for some of that...
try it anyway

am grateful for
outing my envy
I am no longer alone
experiencing it, without having to isolate
that it didnt drag me down today
having friends who tell me what I need to hear

a sober day in recovery
the truth

the truth, i can deal with

Friday, December 09, 2005

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.
P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Boring & Glum??? NO

I am grateful for...

6 fab days in Spain courtesy of A convention
meeting up with some amazing people
having a sun tan in December!!!
praying on the beach
feeling connected with my higher power
on a moonlit beach, waves gently lapping the shore
no fear, alone, me and God

the last time I was there I was drunk
I needed a reason OTHER than hanging around bars to return
i wanted to revisit old friends who own the bars
I met with them, they are still my friends
the number of years I have been absent didnt matter
the people that matter dont mind
they understood (kinda)

You gave me a reason, a purpose
I had so much fun
laughing like kids, with people I hardly knew
Collecting numbers, emails

In a step 1 meeting in another country
sharing with a 17day sober last night
reminded me loads
surreal, its the same message worldwide
I knew told me
but now i experienced it too in yet another country

I done it drunk
Now I done it sober

I got friends in meetings
I got choices today
You given me a life I never had before

My head stayed present 95% of the time
the wave of loneliness, came and went
i let it come and let it go
the big book holds some magic dust
reining my mind back with the tools

For someone who couldnt get out of bed
Couldnt speak to anyone
couldnt utter words of more than 1 syllable
couldnt look you in the eye, incase you spoke to me
was scared of speaking incase... incase
this is how it was for me
this is how it was for a long time drunk and sober

This week...its a miracle
I went alone, with the belief that I wouldnt be alone
For once, my own thinking was to be trusted
this convention was a gift from God
I did Gods will not mine last night
I came back to somewhere I like in Gods time, not mine

Its levelling out
Am becoming someone I like
Am starting to trust people are not humouring me
Am slowing with the thinking its all gonna go pear shaped
Lifes getting interesting
a day at a time
Its getting to be an adventure

Errr, thats not true, am fearing going to work tomorrow
just incase they decided I became indispensible
while i was away

Progress NOT Perfection

Thank you for another sober & safe day
Serenity... I got some
Peace ... I got some of that too
Sanity ... yeh no thinking about drinking
Part of ... this loving fellowship
Living ... yes i am

"God wants me... Happy Joyeous & Free"
Thank you Spain

Walk on water...
I had to come home
I started to believe anythings possible

Sunday, November 27, 2005

You snooze, you lose

And with us, to drink is to die P66

In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem

infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table

Many questions came up about
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others

i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT

this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"

even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety

Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none

How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)

Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot

theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose

Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did

Grateful and sober
thank you God

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book

Thursday, November 24, 2005

I am grateful for

for window of opportunities
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
not thinking
laughing lots
no resistance
least expectation

am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back

Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day

Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)

I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???

having said that.... the futures bright...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Growing outwards

It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too

no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway

I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity

I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
it is an art, its all art

The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go

I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life

And I am liking it

We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed.

stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves.

Look at the evidence

Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow

AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works

The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed

tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools

Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...

one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful

All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

First things First

Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us.
P64 Alcoholics Anonymous

It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking

Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like


Change or die


Monday, November 14, 2005

An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!

I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long

sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass

Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101

The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me

I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come

i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me

still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway

I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles

the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on

just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way

Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Fear is not a problem today

But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. P17 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just got reminded, it still amazes me
I never felt this til i walked thru the doors this time
Since then its been there, but the other side of a barrier (fear)

I feel it now, today, fellowship
I feel it, more and more
I feel able to let myself be part of
Even when my head tells me am not
I am part of
I am no longer alone

How did it happen
God knows
I just do whats suggested
(most of the time)
Its just come back at me
Just for today
Fear is not a problem
I am at peace inside
Keep turning up
Taking the odd risk - not life threatening, just emotional ones
Growth is only possible if i take a bit of a risk

Step4 revisited is not perfect
Am just doing it anyway

am grateful for opportunities
am grateful that am willing
am grateful that am able
am grateful to be teacheable
am grateful you teach me

thank you

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I am grateful

for today being a better day than yesterday
for taking my bike for its MOT
For it failing... finally this "faulty part" will get fixed
for them finally accepting there is something wrong with it
For being able to afford to fix it
For them being able to fix it faster than i thought they would
For taking a long walk to a new meeting
for accepting am definitly in step4 crazy head
for remembering my experience of my head last time
for not fearing that madness returning
for doing some step4 tonight
for seeing how destructive my thinking can be
for having a solution
for having a programme
for not having to do this alone

for the sun shining
for the sky being blue
for taking a walk along the beach
for feeling happy
for feeling at peace

for being sober
for having faith in a God who loves me
for not expecting too much of myself today
for being safe & warm

for my world opening up a little more
for God giving me a little more, to handle
for me noticing how life has just switched up a gear
for me remembering i only have to do today
for an attempt at not tackling my whole lifes problems today
for an attempt at doing something for excersize i didnt want to do
for an attempt at adjusting myself to what is
for letting today stay simple

thank you for giving me a solution & a purpose

I just noticed I put whole lifes problems....
well today i didnt have a problem
the problems i was thinking of are not problems
they are good things which have come my way
as a result of this fellowship
what i perceived as a problem, is not a problem, issues maybe...all solvable
all of my own making, making in that i said yes, i'll give it a try
so thats good stuff thats in the making
frinstance...would you call booking a flight to get to a convention
A PROBLEM... ??? no a high class issue
this is what happens when you start getting a life
crawling out from under the duvet & staying out

Get real Johno,
just for today
the only problem is me & my perception
oh yeh and being a Drama Queen

I was a scoffer, i remained to pray, it works

When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't
treat sick
people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being
helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least
God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant
view of each and every one. P67

Todays the 14th day of me praying for the two people
and the company I work for,
14 days ago the anger was so bad
i was angry & couldnt lift it I had become obsessive,
self seeking, destructive inwardly & outwardly in this area
Misery though optional, i took it again
without realising it, i was in it

I was squandering hours P66 obsessing about their defects
resentment was destroying this alcoholic
I needed help, i couldnt lift this alone, i had to call in the big guns

Praying works, by tuesday this week, my anger & resentment had gone
they became just a couple of colleagues, nothing special
(i had changed, they hadnt)
my company became an ok company to work for again
(i had changed, it hadnt)
i became a little lighter
i fitted myself in again
less of the self seeking
more being of service
Altered my Attitude

then yesterday, i opened my mouth and retaliated with someone else
here we go again, self seeking
thats it johno... another 14 days praying
i didnt need telling, i just did it anyway
why wouldnt I? works

Though I refused & scoffed & feared taking this action before
When the student is ready the teacher appears... i heard you
I am glad i got willing and did it
its another tool i was given quite a while ago
that I never picked up & tried, not really... half heartedly, here and there
Half measures availed us nothing P59
and have just learned how to use
tonight i passed it on
its all such a gift
am grateful

I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through,
and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
William D. Silkworth, M.D Pxxx

Thankyou Dr Silkworth

All page references "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

My prayers tonight include a friend who travelling to a part of the world thats
troubled by terrorism this week. Please keep her safe... until we meet again

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Honesty, willingness, openminded

it works,
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it

didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me

did get up
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock

I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous

i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore

is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself

If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle

never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two

Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best

I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude

Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous

am grateful, thanks Bill W

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

ISM.... I Sabotage Myself

didnt hear the alarm
didnt get up when i heard it
did listen to my head
didnt eat
didnt get to the garage
didnt get to work on time
didnt get a lunch time
didnt finish my work
didnt get to the meeting on time

did pray for a sober day
did pray for the people i was angry at
did get enough work done
did keep my mind with my body most of the day
did get someone elses done aswell
did get to meeting
did get voted in for a commitment
did fing out about a convention in Europe coming up
did notice this same location has come up in
several very different conversations over the last 2 weeks...
did have a laugh at meeting
did stay for food
did meet a newcomer
did pray for a safe ride home & have defects removed along the way
did get home safe
did call up my sponsor
did get honest about my fear & unmamageability in the mornings
did take on a suggestion
did express gratitude for being asked to secretary another mtng
did get honest about my doubts
did wonder together if I may be taking on too
many commitments around the fellowship
did agree to pray on it
did talk to a friend & listened to her gratitude
did stay sober

will pray before bed
will write a simple plan for the morning
will try

I am grateful for all the dids
I am grateful that my unmanageablility didnt destroy today
I am grateful for accepting another imperfect day

If I was drinking
ALL the stuff i DID would not be there

I am blessed to be part of... something greater than me

I am grateful that there is a solution

Victim v Volunteer

Yes it seems I was useful today
If i believe what my boss says

I am so quick to take a "look" as negative
But when an email comes, thanking me for my help today
My natural reaction is to dismiss it as
"what that fuck do you thanking me for? I was gonna do it anyway"

If I do something in a victim like way
I want praise & sulk when i dont get it
When I volunteer without expecting anything in return
I get praised & have to work at accepting it

Next I'll be sabotaging
Bugger!! the thoughts there already
have to work on not acting out on that then
restraint of tongue & pen & keyboard

God help me please

Sunday, November 06, 2005

And with us, to drink is to die.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic,whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. P66 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just been released with instructions on how to revisit of step4.
Arrived back home at 11.30 am wet and cold and went to bed & slept
Am not a saint

It has to be everyday
Or i wont do it
Its a daily programme
It fits with what i did before
But not the same
I just got to do it

Keep on Keeping on

Went out for a meal last night, 40th bthday (not mine)
I stayed present mind body and spirit for 95%
was almost real... almost
god i am never satisfied unless its perfect
such a control freak
the meal was cool
I was manageable
Still practicing on the eating out

Am grateful
for the invite & experience
for doing it sober
for getting out on the bike
for a straight piece of road to check out the top speed
(its not that fast, just fast enough)
having a solution to deal with resentment
being willing
the power of prayer
for the belief in Higher Power
having a sense of humour

am feeling step4ish
thats all

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Blind faith the only faith

It works if you work it
It really does
This praying for someone
does something
it disables anger
it free's up head space
it lets in the sunlight

Am still sulking inside
Accepting where I am is taking time
Accepting it takes time, takes practice
am practicing

Am looking at being useful
Giving, instead of receiving in other areas
Giving in a manner of ways
Not just in AA
Like minded people who give back
I think i have just found somethings am interested in
I can fill my time with
Get me out of my comfort zone
Fresh air & Green pastures

Its only a thought
But all things start as a thought
Thought is the start of creation
2006 a green year ?
a breakthru i think

Am grateful to be sober
In work
Bills payed
a God thats showing me who I am and showing me his will for me
willing to look
seeking to be true to myself
Being Sober even when it dont seem it sometimes - the truth is IT ROCKS

Without AA I would be nothing
Without AA I would not be

As a member of AA
My Primary purpose is to stay sober &
help other alcoholics to acheive sobriety
Is that it??? Is that it ???
No my friend AA is much more than that
Its magical, its given me a life I never had before
Its giving me opportunities
It gives me purpose
I am useful (yes it still sticks to say it)
Its an experience not to be missed
Am glad I didnt quit before the miracle
It works if i work it, it dont if i dont
Its true

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Grit teeth... Acceptance is the answer....Blind faith

Is this really what I got to do?

Instead of work being so important
Accept it for what it is
it just enables me
to pay my bills
to be in a comfortable space
to feed me

Its what I do outside of work that feeds my spirit
The fellowship
The giving for free
Giving freely of what i been given
The stuff that costs me no money
The stuff that I spend no money
That gives me that filled up feeling
Not the stuff I do for money

Am grateful for the movie i saw last night
A snapshot of a young traveller girls life
I Remembered living in a tent for a time
Getting out of bed and having wet feet
The filling up my kettle at the tap on a pipe
The waking up in the fresh air
Listening to Mother Nature
Seeing Mother Nature
When i had nothing i was equally as "happy" as i am now
Or is it less is more
the less i had the more full i felt
it was brief, but it was there

Even that wasnt real... or was it
Living in a tent... working in the city
I got a feeling am on the verge of something
can it really be that simple ?
not a tent, but openmindedness is the key
pay attention, watch, listen & learn

Need to look at this stuff
Back to basics
Is the need to have this flat so important ?
Is my belongings that important ?

Am I hanging on to materials unnecessarily ?
Whats the most important thing ?
What could I do without ?

God grant me some honesty around this financial insecurity
How honest am i being?
If my job got took away, i could manage for a time without
how long for ?
okay okay... i get the picure
But others have money in the bank too
This is NOT about others
This is about me
me finding out who i am
finding out what am comfortable with
finding out what am uncomfortable with
taking a risk to find out
who i am, my authentic self
and then learn how to live with me

Let go again
Let go of my power struggles at work
I may not get to enjoy
If I have the anxiety pains I had last week
What i have is enough... it really is
when i ask myself
"what is it that i really want money for, that i dont have now?"
the answer is not something that money can buy
Love, filled up feeling, peace of mind

Money & Ambition... Ambition drivin by Money
Its really not that important…is it ?

It doesnt mean taking what i have for granted
it doesnt mean abusing what is
it doesnt mean being ungrateful for what i have
if am living in the brace position around work
am running on self will, not Gods Will

Am grateful to be able to think & not act today

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference

God grant me patience & acceptance around this stuff
Show me your will and the power to carry it out

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable
things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful,
He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and
performed His work well. Established on such a footing we
became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little
plans and designs. More and more we became interested in
seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power
flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we
could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His
presence, we began to loseour fear of today, tomorrow or
the hereafter. We were reborn P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

let go abso fucking lutely or the result with be NILLLLLLLLLLLL
Do or die Johno,
oh so your back aswell... here comes the fricking Drama Queen
stop being so dramatic,
why wait til your backs against the wall this time?
this isnt game over ... its only just begun... stop wrestling with the pigs
just do it
just do it

Police... horses... Full Moon

kind,considerate, patient, generous;
even modest and self-sacrificing.
On the other hand, he may be
mean, egotistical,selfish and dishonest.

He begins to think life doesn't treat him right.
He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the
next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the
case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting
he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people
are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant,
self-pitying.What is his basic trouble? Is he not really as
elf-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim
of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness
out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident
to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?
And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate,
snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not,
even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather
than harmony? P61 Alcoholics Anonymous

Hows this work then...
I just put down the idea that people would save me,
and its going ok
now i got another aspect of me to deal with...
I think am gonna change my blog to Outright Mental Defective 2.

This time its Money & ambition.
i get a few months of turning up
doing an honest days work for an honest days pay
now i want more... money that is.
I have decided they dont pay me enough,
other people earn more than me
and dont do their jobs aswell as me,
so i am hard done to and want more.
Dont they know who I am ?!?!
Get the picture ?!

I really dont like the person I am at the moment in this aspect of my life
Resentment city
Quick to critisise
Cant restrain my keyboard,
Banged out a truly appauling email this week
My boss retaliated

I have to at certain times of the month,
restrain all my actions which are not suggested in the big book
if fact I seems to remember it suggested once or twice
to restrain everything i do at anytime
to just doing whats suggested in the big book
or by a sponsor

Fuck it i am so self willed, its a joke
I prayed to be shown what to do
Got an amazing answer almost immediately (about 3.30am)
Thankfully i havent acted on that
I have learned something,
that its not always wise trust what answers
appear to have come from God
especially at 3.30am
without seeking counsel with those who often know better
the times not right to discuss it or release it on the world yet
so it remains on paper by my bed... safe
safe... means not in my head growing
safe... not released at work, causing chaos

I thought it best to get in on time the next day
and shut the fuck up, restraint of tongue & pen
let others do the talking
It was ok
Still not sure what was gonna happen next
Keep it in the day
Went to lunchtime meeting, heard others have had a problem
restraining themselves via electromis messaging this week
What is it this week??? full moooooon howl or what?

Any way finally, after two years,
and much defiance, i decided to pray,
for someone I am angry at
And i done it again this morning
and i will do it again tonight
aswell as handing my will over
and the other stuff am praying for these days
may need to write a list of stuff to pray for,
theres quite abit at moment
Isnt that what Gods for
Too much for me to keep in my head
Its all better off out in the Universe

Went for some spiritual healing this week
prayed during that aswell
asking God to heal me
quite an experience
The healer asked me if i was in the police or was with horses
neither applied on that day... but as always openminded

Ok so after a week, throwing toys, daggers and spears out of my pram
wallowing in my own self pity
that much anger inside, i had to get a hair cut, by someone else
a place i can go and have a part of me cut, without hurting myself
Turning a self harming thought
into a self healing and positive experience

Commited myself to a 2nd home group this week
and last night had a drinking dream
what an end to a completely bonkers week
I still dont "drink like a gentleman" in my dreams
I just walked out of an AA meeting and was feeling ok
someone walked upto me
and asked me to hold a spare tumbler of wine for her
just for a moment... yeh sure ok
as i was talking to her
I just lifted it up to my lips and it
just went down in two, like it used to
sticking in my throat and burning as it went
such an enjoyable experience...
i never even realised until after it had gone, what i done
then it came, oh fuck, it can be that easy
it was just so natural
i didnt forget i dont drink
I just never gave it a thought
i had no mental defense against that first drink
a strange mental blank spot
a warning
also a sign... its the beginning of a chance to change
pain leads to spiritual growth

Today I got choices
Sit with this miserable behaviour
that I keep on with over and over at work
or change
I obviously cant change alone, or i would have done it by now
I must need a Power Greater than myself
To abstain from work is not practical
I have to learn how to do this
Become a worker amongst workers
Accept what I cant change at work
Change the things I can
I can change my Attitude
AA Altered Attitude
I need help with this
I need acceptance
I earn enough for what i need at the moment
accept it and get on with the steps

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.
They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme
example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this
selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self
without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical
convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though
wewould have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness
much by wishing or trying on our ownpower.
We had to have God's help. P62 Alcoholics Anonymous

Keep on Keeping on

Saturday, October 22, 2005

I cant, He can, let Him

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our
Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought
well before taking this step making sure we were ready;
that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
P63 Big Book

When i first took this step with my sponsor,
i could only just get what i was doing it for
I still didnt really get what it all meant
I just could see that what worked for you could also work for me
so i did it
It was a beginning

It really was a beginning of something much much more
than i could ever have imagined
My own limited understanding of what i was doing was almost nil
But i did it anyway

The power of prayer... its taken me until recent events
to really get what it means
to really trust & pray & do & let go
to be specific when i ask
to ask only if its gonna make me useful
lucky it seems i am
my prayers really do get answered

I just spent a week "trying to run the show" at work
i became the moaning old git never satisfied with what is
taking everyones inventory
quite frankly by Friday, i was sick of hearing myself speaking
living through gritted teeth & by fingernails
is NOT what God intends for me, its not happy joyeous & free
Its not useful whinging on

By Friday, i step 10'd, got honest with my sponsor
Self will... not again, its here again
just another area of my life, i trying to manipulate
Self seeking... yes i am underpaid
Ego-centric ... yes but dont you know who i am???

Time to right size
My pride is squashed
Self will running riot
Self pity beginning to ooze out of each pore
impatience until December/January
Financial Insecurity ... yeh that aswell
If you would only run the office how i suggest it.........
Pay me what am worth
Theres bits of me i cant change alone
i been trying to keep my mouth shut all week and i CANT
NO HUMAN power could have relieved our alcoholism P60 Big Book

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and aftermake clear three pertinent ideas:
That we were alcoholic and could not manage our
own lives.
That probably no human power could have relieved
our alcoholism.
That God could and would if He were sought.

P60 Big Book

Hear it... see it.... Feel it.... Step 3
The first requirement is that we be convinced that anylife run on self-will can hardly be a success P60 Big Book

I didnt know what to pray for.... now i do
Am getting braver at being specific
My faith is growing, broadening, growing
I tried it, so am doing it already for when Monday comes around

When i took Step3 last year, i had lots of evidence to prove that something Greater
was there, but i just could not see how there & what it was there for
I was too full of resentment, fear of becoming a non-entity, too full of self
Thank God for Honesty Openminded, Willingness
I had them things

Taking this step today, felt a natural thing to do, i wanted to
There is too much evidence now of a Power Greater than myself
& what it HAS done for me, and what i see done for others
Letting go of Old ideas IS the easier softer way
Doing Gods will IS the easier softer way
(not always obvious at the time though :)

I see its a lifelong process to be worked at
God & me & you's
Pickin up the spiritual tools is a gift
learning how to use them is a gift
Am grateful to be sober & on this Great Liner

Keep on, Keeping on

All page ref's "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Well its official

I am a safe rider (of motorcycle)
After 20 year gap, bought a bike & gingerly took too the road
Full licence, doesnt mean safe rider, so i took a refresher course
Confidence not quite there... a little shakey at times
But GET OUT THERE and try it

So i did/do
London Traffic certainly keeps me in the present moment
You Snooze You Lose
A definite improvement in a few short weeks
Dropped it already...
well am just like the others riders then... imperfect.. accept it

Today, took some instruction,
as i wanted some slow riding skills improving
Guess what, he said my bike was defective,
no wonder my slow riding skills were shakey

On the road riding, very little to say, just a few hints
general handling, just relax, be confident, feel the engine... what!?
Do you by any chance mean ... Use the force ?

i can do it, i am doing it, its the bike thats defective,
not me this time Hale"frickin"leuia

It was time well spent, it feels more manageable already
Just got to pray the front end is fixable
Its a bit like the circus bike, where the bars go one way & the wheel the other, well not quite as exaggerated, but you get the picture
If you imagine driving/riding with your front tyre/s flat
thats the control i havent got, very heavy

Needed someone else to point out the problem
Message is I am not always the problem, but my reaction to it that is
No extra training required, just practice
Day at a time

I got a retro bike, so no tricky sporty riding
No whizzing around, its not built for that
But then am not sure i am... yet
Easy does it

Fun Fun Fun

Step3 postponed, sponsor sick
obsessive thinking absent today... thankyou God
Have i made a Decision ttmwamlotapgt myself? Yeah

Lighten up ? yeah ok i'll give that ago aswell

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Solve all my problems ?

Tuesday, having considered going to something none fellowship instead of my home group. being asked by my sponsor to ask my self "what are my priorities?" I got a that huge wave of fear of being let go by Sponsor again. The rollercoaster commenced

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
Page 64

This week, i have considered another fellowship AGAIN
I have this people fantasy issue
I no longer want to live with this miserable feelings & behaviours
Am sick of it
It started before i picked up a drink
Maybe drink is not my primary addiction
MAYBE there it came, that word i try not to use, its woolly & vague & drives me away from the programme into doubt, needing reassurance etc.

Look at the facts ONLY today, shit i couldnt because I didnt know them

I have been told by "AA wise people", wait til after step9
Seek outside help for what steps dont sort
I have heard in "AA meetings" other people get confused when they go to a few fellowships
This was driving me insane, this need to find out what was wrong with me
This FEAR, that i was the only one & knowing i wasnt
This ANGER that other people dont admit this
I never heard anyone discussing it in words i understand
(except newcomers... they all coming at me)
I havent got the answer & it became UNBEARABLE
Restless Irritable Discontented
An insane urge to fix on anything and everything
Old behaviours crept into my head,
i had to stop all this stuff in my head
Didnt do any of what i wanted to fix on
Full on frickin misery was setting in
Obsessing all day is not my idea of happy joyeous & free

I bought a WORDY BOOK i had to identify with this thing
Face the fucker head on
It was gonna eat me alive anyway, i might aswell read about what it was
12 step solution, Page 1, yeh i knew what was wrong with me
Did i need to read on ? I read chapter one
Made notes in the book, admitted to the book, where i identifed
Got it on the pages, shut the book
I knew i wasnt alone, but i felt soooo lonely, that Nutter feeling came back
Step10's, Gratitude lists, did all suggestions threw gritted teeth
It dont say it wont work "even if you think you are a nutter" does it ?
I didnt know what to do..., the suggestions werent working (BS see below)
Is that the truth ? Are they the facts ?

I called my sponsor, STOP analysing, call a newcomer
Go find a spiritual place (like a toilet) and get on your knees
Pray for the fixing to be lifted
Its hard...sob.... she said... yeh i know
I am desperate, i'll do anything, couldnt spend time looking for a toilet
I got on my knees in the middle of the cafe where i was sitting
Pretended to be looking in my bag
Prayed out loud (not that loud) for my fixing to be lifted
for God to show me his will & the power to carry it out

I was already meeting a newcomer, going to meeting together
How could i be of help today.... God said "Do it anyway, let go of the outcome"
I called up another 2 newcomers, both seemed grateful for the call
Left another message on a voicemail
Put the wordy book away, enough, enough

Went to Starbucks, spilled it, before i left the counter - God help me
Found a seat & read some big book
Friend came, went to the meeting of "Longer sobriety"
Message for me.... Hand it over
God can do anything...ANYTHING
Let go & keep letting go
Suddenly i was hearing it
People were sharing about how they hand other problems over to their Higher Power

Walked to the bus with the newcomer, sharing experience & step1 & 2
Bizarrely its where am in the big Book
sharing experience & hope etc, well i hoped i was
but wasnt that sure... not much responses from this week back relapser
Do it anyway... its none of my business what she thinks
Her bus came, i expected her to get on it, she didnt,
she chose to wait for mine & travel someway with me... how bizarre
I carried on sharing, listening, sharing, listening
Keep it very simple... its hard sometimes

Got home & did something I havent done for months
Candles, low lights, music & read the big book, got connected
( i realised have missed this time, my time with God)

Chapter to the Agnostics P56 "Who are you to say there is no God"
Sparked off for me
Who am i to say this wont work for me?
Who am I to say that God cant lift my obsession in this area?
Who am i to say that my Sponsors suffering was anyless painful than mine?
Who am i to put limits on the Power of God?
Am i gonna ignore ALL the evidence in my own experience of what God HAS already done for me, that I couldnt do for myself?
Am i gonna trust this process or not ?
Either God is or he isnt ... whats it to be ?
Funny that, i stopped fighting and slept

next day
Prayed many times for my fixes to be lifted, was specific
Read the wordy book, gave myself 30minutes, step10's then forget it
Tidied some stuff up at home
Went to meeting
Sponsor shared experience of same stuff as me
Said to use the steps in all my affairs
This is Alcoholism
I said i was angry no-one else discusses it, this people stuff
no-ones honest so how can i believe its gonna get fixed by AA ?
Thats when i surrendered - she was talking about it
Isnt one person talking to another enough?
Otherwise why would she say it... fuck it, i running out of fighting talk
am being beaten into this state of reasonableness AGAIN

The meeting reading...More about Alcoholism which included
Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems
YES YES alright... i'll stop sulking....its clicking you BASTARDS

The decision to not seek out side help was made
The wordy book, well, i tried to read some today, but couldnt take it in
It dont have that pull like it did
Went to meeting this afternoon, heard how people DID solve other problems with the help of their Higher Power, the Steps & fellowship.
Went to meeting tonight, heard how a 7 year old was doing step1 again because of another problem in his life, someone else, was doing similar.
Am listening God, am hearing God

Any frickin lengths, crawled through this week

So my priority is trust God, clean house & give freely of what I have been given
I am having to believe that God is everything
-I have no choice, theres to much evidence to not believe
I am about to embark on Step 3 tomorrow
There are no coincidences

I cant do this life alone, this week has proved it, my little plans and designs avail me nothing.
In AA i no longer have to do anything alone. Am grateful.

An old timer said tonight... Sometimes all i have to do is nothing.
Its true. Listen and learn and accept

And as for my comment at the beginning that Step10's, gratitude list, suggestions not working
That BS, I havent thought about a drink this week & I havent done anything really which warrants harm. Just a heap of misery, some isolating, all of which I am on my way out of.

Progress not Perfection

Keep on keeping on

All page references are from "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Bill W's Story

I heard Bill W's chair last night

the one which he did the day Dr Bob died

God moves in mysterious ways

If he hadnt made that 10th call, where would millions of us be now?

Dead ?

I am moved by what i heard and grateful for all of it
it just keeps getting better & better

Faith without works is dead. P14 Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Suddenly i see

That i really have been complicating the hell out of all of this stuff
I only came in cos i had a drink problem
My life was so shit
An i was so sick of being this way (whatever it was)
You "sold" me the ideas in the Big Book, but i didnt see it at the time
You showed me how to tap into the hopelessness of my situation
Then you showed me what the solution was
I never realised Alcohol was a Power Greater than myself
I heard you felt/had felt like i did
You described me perfectly
I thought you could read my mind
I seen that you all had found something, a solution
Some of you no longer felt or behaved like i did
You didnt have that hoplessness, confusion, despair
You showed me what you done
I tried it, with much sulking
I got results
Sobriety lifted the lid on a huge pile of other aggravations
I was full of self pity, self doubt, unconscious dependence on people
Filled with what you called loneliness, that i didnt understand
Misery is optional you said
Stick with the winners
Trust the process, the Evidence is in the rooms
Something is keeping us sober & happy & free
So with much sulking & doubt & fear i trusted
By this time I was using the tool which lifted the self pity
By this time the obsession to drink had quietened
By this time I could feel something working
By this time I had some hope it might just work for me too

You showed me evidence recently that i was no longer alone
I felt absolutely part of something magical & loving & powerful
I took hold, accepted it & that layer of loneliness fell away

My unconscious dependence on people, became unbearably concscious
I had reached the layer which had locked me into this self doubt
This living through other peoples experiences
This lack of trust that my own experiences were real
This living in fantasy, someone elses reality
This reliance on people, really had brought me ultimately only misery
This illusion that someone else knew all the answers
This illusion that if i told you everything, you would fix me
This i had believed, this illusion had tricked me for a lifetime
This illusion that my experience was not valid
This illusion that i was never gonna be enough
This illusion that what i WAS experiencing was not enough
This illusion that you had to tell me yes am doing ok
This is how i lived my days
Making up rules to confine me
Unbearable, i got to that same point, i was sick of living like this

I had to let go or this was gonna kill me
it was killing me
I was full of resentment, fear
It was driving me insane
Even the people had stopped working for me
People were making me miserable
My attitude towards people was alll mucked up

I had to do what worked with alcohol
I had to let it go
I had to do without
I had to find a power greater than you and the other
I had to find One that had all Power
I didnt know how to let go, i never done it "alone"
I was baffled by this one
I was kind of ready, but i had no idea how ready
I thought i honestly wanted to be rid of this bondage
But i had no idea what was gonna happen
You knew intuitively knew what to do
Am no gonna analyse your actions any further than that
My My Hyde thinking told me this was the end, back to the darkness

But something came to me... i wasnt alone, it had already been proven
It wasnt gonna work now, well thats not true either, it already was
I dont know what to do
Well I wanted to get with my HP, heres my chance

So i have, and i am, some amazing experiences have happened in a month
I thought it would be the worst thing
but its actually been a "best thing"
Old ideas, dependence on people, places & things blocks me from the sunlight

Reliance on God has brought me only good stuff - there really are no limts

For a start my obsession to drink has been lifted, I have been restored to a level of Sanity around which I never experienced before. Like i said, my other stuff got in the way, i been missing the simplicity of it all. Our primary purpose, the last two paragraphs of a Vision For You, its all been there, but its only just jumped off the page and hit me.... Suddenly i see what its all about. I seeing the answers, theyre coming at me.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We werein a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort. P25/26 Alcoholics Anonymous

Being specific with God, has been working, the answers have come, but even today i see how my mind wipes easily, i had forgotten the Power of God there are no limits. I had forgotton to ask for guidance on stuff which baffles me. Its only a short time ago, i seen the power of asking for specific stuff, but today I forget.

Thankfully i am now listening to my Sponsor, trusting my own experience & asking the One who has all Power - God & doing my best to do his will

It works -- it really does (P88 Alcoholics Anonymous)

This i fully relate to now.....

I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.

My friend promised when these things were done Iwould enter upon a new relationship with my Creator;that I would have the elements of a way of living whichanswered all my problems. Belief in the power ofGod, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, werethe essential requirements

Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meantdestruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all thingsto the Father of Light who presides over us all.

These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric.There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence.I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. P13/14 Alcoholics Anonymous

Monday, September 12, 2005

somethings occuring

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I dont understand how i never understood what this meant before
Or i wasnt ready to do it myself
but somethings happening to me NOW
So God, you knew its was time & i could handle it
And as usual... you were right
its ok its kind of good
the ugly truth came out
i had a choice to hold onto my old ideas...
do it my miserable, lonely, secretive, dishonest way
i so have been complicating stuff

or let go of my old ideas as it says in How it works Chapter 5
i chose to try & let go of 3 people and an old old fix over a week ago
(dishonest/deluded thinking & acting)
I chose to try and grow up, let go absolutely
cutting the umbilical cord
stabilisers off
arm bands & ego deflated
open up the channel, free float directly with the spirit of the universe
stop using people & things to fix/as a solution to anything
become reliant upon a Power Greater than ouselves
i became willing on these two areas of my life
letting no person/place or thing stand in the way of my higher power
its not a sponsor that keeps me sober
its no one else either
in fact its no thing
its not my agility in reeling off the steps -
its not knowledge that keeps me sober
it is Gods will that my obsession to drink is lifted today
its a power greater than ourselves that granted me a sober day
its a power greater than ourselves thats restored me to sanity today
all i have is a daily reprieve
all i came here for was cos....
i had a problem with drink & my life had become so unmanageable
it was unbearable being me
AA have given me a solution & much more besides if i wanted it

i wanted it

I have had to let go of some pretty old ideas, because the results have been nil
they have caused me resentments & fear
Change or die
praying through the day, asking only for his will & the power to carry it out
written step 10's throughout the day like theres no tomorrow
helping others, giving freely
gratitude lists
the big books coming alive
giving time time, giving my HP time to show me his will

since letting go, am amazed
strange, uncomfortable at times,
but ultimately wonderful things have been occuring
my eyes are wide & my ears are hearing
It would be arrogant of me to ignore the signs & say they are coincidences
How many God moments am i gonna have this week ?
Everything IS teaching me

Am truly blessed
the sky didnt fall in
good things are happening to me & to people around me
am handling stuff you wouldnt believe
even making mistakes & its ok
its like someone keeps switching the lights on and off inside me
and i like it (its all frikkin alien though)
the best is yet to come ?
how much better can it get......God ?
I am so grateful

See what happens when you hold the fork ?
God have i got to let go of the fork aswell....?

Progress not Perfection
Keep on keeping on

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Today feel a new freedom


i am looking at the world through my own eyes
i am seeing it, feeling it for myself, not what i think you want me to see, feel
i am making a conscious contact with the truth, with reality
living every moment myself
i am not alone
i have to and want to
i am experiencing
my mind has further opened
my eyes wider opening
my God there really are no limits
there is a whole load of new sharing or is it?
i am hearing, same people, different ears (mine)
also listening to different people

i thought i would never survive if Friday ever happened
what do i know anyway...
i have extra time appeared from nowhere
the minutes seem like hours, God what a gift
i feel some freedom in my heart in my spirit
i have my own thoughts new thoughts, based upon proven results,
gained through my experience, not old ideas or vague maybes
i am not thinking what you would tell me to do
i am doing what i know works already
i am keeping on
it still works even without you being there
i havent fallen over
the sky didnt fall in

3 obsessions i let go of Friday
another "acting out" i ditched it all Sunday
all i have is a daily reprieve
thats all i need, because i only have today
if i can do something for 12 hours.....
how many things am i doing effortlessly JUST FOR TODAY
a frikkin miracle
honesty, openmindedness, willingness
all i have to do is try
progress not perfection
no i dont know it all
all i know is that it continues to work, while i work it
its my job to continue to work it
is this what independence feels like?


i asked myself who let go of who?
i was already letting go
i already decided not to go no further the way i felt with you and the step8/9
i already knew we wasnt working
i just didnt know what to do about it
i thought we HAD to make it work
i thought it was down to you to sort it out
if it was down to you i could be the victim

i dont want to be a victim to anyone anymore
since Friday i dont feel a victim nor victor
rejected, abandoned....
nope they dont fit, i am glad i checked them out for size
relieved, hopeful, useful, with purpose, part of....
yep they fit
i feel ok
you did the right thing
i was ready to move on
i just didnt know how
thank you for sponsoring me
thank you for letting me go
its time to grow
am grateful for this magical mysterious fellowship i am part of
God moves in mysterious ways
am grateful for that too


I see that i am improving on being...
a friend amongst friends, worker amongst workers, part of a family
I also see that some people...
may always know me as emotionally dependent on them
They may be right, i dunno what the future holds
i am no saint, i just do my best
All i have is a daily reprieve from my defects, flaws, difficulties, obsessions
Its my job to take action, do the right things
my job to kick these into remission for the happiness of myself and others
there are no days off
am grateful for all this stuff

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Walking upright again

Today i am grateful for

waking without fear
letting myself rest
knowing when i was starting to isolate & getting up
for having a washing machine at home
for not having self pity
for feeling worth it
for doing some tidying
for doing some step10s
for starting my gratitude list early
for having a purpose in life
for feeling useful
for the texts i got today
for seeinmg how other peoples have fears for me
for the mirror that was put in front of me
for my progress in the last two years

for feeling that this really is time for spiritual growth
for wanting to change
for being willing to change
for feeling part of many
for having clean water to drink
for the sun shining
for having a south and west facing home
for not having to go out to get some rays

for having a meeting to go to later
for having agreed to call back one of my "Help" people this afternoon
for being teacheable
for the seed of Al-anon being rewatered again last night
for knowing its being watered for a reason
for not having to know why today

for feeling an inner strength
for not dreading work tomorrow
for the acknowledging i had a void
for also seeing its not as big as my head told me it was going to be
for seeing my head is not to be trusted
for not regretting the past
for having so much gratitude so early in the day

for calling the "help" person back
for what was on offer to me
for being told to have confidence in my own ability to make a decision
for reading How it works instead of calling up someone for advice on advice
for allowing someone else in
for having confidence in my own abilities
for allowing a change to take place
for being teachable
for making some room for spiritual growth
for making a decision to talk further

for calling someone up about a change in my meetings next week
for explaining why without my pride getting in the way
for passing ion my experiences in the last 24hours
for accepting that there are lots of happy people over 10 years sober
for seeing how dependent i have been
for not beating myself up

for going to a meeting
for it being step4
for seeing my emotional security is a biggie
for seeing that its ok to start the steps over
for seeing its my pride only that says "oh god i might have to start again"
for hearing the benefits of going back & doing it different
for hearing this is not about doing a perfect 12 step programme
for listening to the positives
for seeing my perfectionism/controlfreakness is strangling
for not sitting apart, for getting in the middle front
for not listening to my head that i have nothing to pass on today

for going for coffee with someone new
for doing what i do normally
for having purpose
for letting go
for opening my mind further today

for this 1930's tiled floor under my lino
for finishing renovating my wooden floor
for having a home
for being safe
for being sober
for being alive
for being hopeful & with purpose
for being on this big adventure
for having a loving Higher Power
for a growing inner peace
for keeping things very very simple
for you showng me whats going on outside my "world"
for being grateful

Hand in Hand

Learning to be honest
accepting i have been dishonest, holding back stuff
getting honest took courage

Today I am grateful for
praying for guidance on sponsorship
getting a phone call from someone who knows better than i
getting bathed
eating breakfast
doing an early meeting
doing some washing
not getting a resentment because the shops had run out of milk
not getting a resentment that another shop i needed was closed
having another meeting to go to

going to the meeting even though I would be late
not sitting at the back, getting in the middle of the row
for the woman stood next to me that asked me am i ok?
for my ability to say no & showing my pain
for the newcomer that asked if i was ok
for my ability to say tearful but going for coffee to chat about it
for not passing on my drama to someone who "may" not be able to handle it
for not running off after the meeting

for accepting the friendly womans offer to go for coffee
for not getting drawn into going to her house, keeping to a cafe
for allowing my tears
for listening to her
for "Rejection is Gods protection"
for allowing me to take a new word and apply it to summarise my feelings "Rejected"
for still having a manageable amount of self pity
for the love i was receiving
for it penetrating through in bits
for accepting what i have been is co-dependent
for her suggestions re Letting go
for her sharing her stuff around her son rejecting her
for this non judgemental people that i am surrounding myself with
for staying in the present, staying focussed
for leaving with a clear direction what i was gonna do next
for leaving with no fear of the future
for saying out loud the best is yet to come

for taking a long walk to my spiritual place
for seeing a pelican close up
for the beautiful sunny day
for the warmth in my bones
for the background music from Jaguar in the bandstand
remembering time here with my mum last year
a "god moment" she texted me while was lying there
for the squirrels
for the birds
for the water
for Mother Nature, she heals me gently
for having a kip in the sun

for going to a different meeting openminded
for getting another word which summarises my feelings "abandoned"

for getting a call back from one of my "help" messages left yesterday
for the suggestion of doing step10 around me and my sponsor
for the suggestions around step8
for seeing that i felt disloyal by getting resentful
for seeing thats all part of the co-dependency
for taking advice from someone who knows better
for my fear of this person being lifted
for me being able to take advice (i have no choice if i want to get restored to sanity)
for having a conversation about being let go without crying
for allowing the healing process to take place

for making a decision to stay for the next meeting
for replying to a text with honesty, experience strength & hope
for a "God moment" when the author of the text appeared at the meeting
for having a laugh
for "And acceptance is the answer" being read out
for God doing for me what i could do for myself ie read the passage myself
for the newcomer who shared about inability to cry, expectations around sponsorship, not accepting that a sponsor wasnt there to treat all problems, just to take the sponsee through AAs 12steps, and thinking about suicide
for the mirror that was just put in front of me
for seeing i am not there, because i didnt listen to my old thinking yesterday
for my friend knowing the newcomer
for talking after the meeting
for the similarities

for staying for the next meeting
for feeling my whole empty out
for knowing for me the solution was to share gratitude & hope, blow the fear off the planet
for asking god to help me share his will
for getting picked to share
for not hanging around to chat again, letting go

going to another meeting because i wasnt sure if i was done
not sharing in the meeting, and sharing after appropriately
for knowing i was hungry & tired & coming home

for being sober, alive, with hope, being part of
for the suggestions
for newcomers
for being teachable
for my willingness to grow
for the grace of God
for the dignity i have today
for getting home safe
for the good programme & spiritual tools my sponsor passed on to me
for seeing the programme is working, it was just our relationship that wasnt
seeing my sponsor as just another alky, not a Guru, God etc
hearing other people today who also have what i want
for having glimpses of what i dont want next time
for having glimpses of what i do
for seeing what i could possibly have
for being grateful
for having a level of acceptance
having a reasonable level of comfortableness to sleep with
for having a loving God
for not having the suffering thats going on overseas
for remembering the fork

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The End & The Beginning in one day

When i woke this morning, i could not have predicted how today would go.
I went to work
I did my job
I wasnt a victim at lunchtime
I bought a card & posted it, at the right time
I was let go by my sponsor
I wanted to be taken back, i was willing, would try harder etc etc
The answer was still no
A minute of Acceptance

My old thinking started working,
(how can I do it without YOU, i only want what YOU have, no-one else will be as good as YOU, i am not going to get it now without YOU, how can YOU let me go now? How am i gonna get well now? You cant be serious, can YOU? am gonna go on a steep decline back to drinking...)

I saw that my sponsor had become & maybe always had been my higher power
I saw how I wasnt putting Principles Before Personalities (Tradition 12)
I saw that she had
I saw that i have been trying to manipulate the relationship past "taking me through the steps"
I saw she had been just taking me through the steps & showing me spiritual tools

I called up people who in my opinion would know better than me what to do
I called up people who wouldnt pity me
I called up people who had a level of sobriety/comfortableness/knowledge of the programme that I liked
It was suggested that I pray to be shown Gods will around sponsorship
I allowed the tears & was told its ok
I acknowledged my feeling of relief i felt
I acknowledged that I didnt feel impending doom
I acknowledged my part in this
I didnt take my Sponsors inventory
I acknowledged my difficulty
I acknowledged my need to change
I acknowledged my willingness
I was told I wouldnt drink over it
I didnt question or analyse that statement, i just listened
Whether I drink or not over this is none of my business, irrelevent today

It was suggested not to panic
It was suggested that I be openminded
It was suggested that I keep my praying really simple for now
It was suggested not to rush into another Sponsor
I was called by another AA who was worried about a social occasion
I was able to pass on my own experience & to ask HP for guidance
I didnt share what had just happened to me

I left work on time
Undecided which out of two meeting i was going to
Spoke with another AA who knows better than me
More tears, more letting go, more acceptance, more relief, more hope
Feeling of this is my chance to grow
This is my chance to change if i am willing
This is all in Gods hands

I went to meet some fellowship, pre meeting
I didnt spend money I havent got - ie didnt act out
I acknowledged my emotion of sadness/tears
I acknowledged that this is the right thing to happen
I acknowledged my part again, difficulty, need & willingness to change
I left with dignity insearch of my Higher Power & to cry
I admitted to my friend thats what I was going to do & did it

I sat in the most Spiritual place for me that I know of
I admitted to my HP that
1. i am aware of what my difficulty is & its a problem & cant solve alone
2. that he could help me with this, as its a big part of why i drank
3. I asked him to help me, show me his will and guide re sponsorship
4. I acknowledged my uncomfortableness & resentment
5. I admitted to him that I was fearful, it hadnt gone my way, that being hard on myself would be intolerant, that the fact i havent been able to deal with this difficulty yet is just my impatience.
6. I told him i was ready to have him remove the defects of character
7. I asked him to remove my shortcomings, my difficulties & defects
8. I realised that i was standing in the shoes of two people I had harmed on my Step8 list
I got grateful for this, feeling how they would have felt, willing, good intentions, done everything asked to the best of my ability, acknowleding my imperfections, but not being given a 2nd chance, not getting what I (the great me) wanted, no going back. Angry, shocked, disbelief, belief, scared, relief, small, hopeless, hopful. The decision was made not by me this time, i was powerless & had to accept it, as they had. There is no going back.
I acknowledged the beauty of my surroundings
i cried
called a couple of newcomers once i stopped crying

I went to the meeting
Asked how someone else was, heard how their pride had been hurt by their sponsor
9. no amend made to sponsor, only do what my has been asked of me, ie to not discuss it further
10. Spot checked my inventory, my pride had been dented aswell
11. Prayed to my HP to share His Will in the meeting
12. shared my experience, strength & hope & gratitude for the programme, fellowship & that I DO have a loving God in my life today, thanks to AA
After the meeting, talked to some people
Went for coffee, the meeting after the meeting
Didnt sit analysing whats happened
Made a simple plan of what to do tomorrow, no major changes, back to basics
HP, inventory, meetings, fellowship, newcomers, big book, gratitude, give & allow to be given
Talked about REM "Everybody Hurts" & how it gave me safety/hope for years, that identification, that I wasnt alone, that everybody crys sometime.
Got a "There really is a God" moment when it started playing in the cafe as I spoke about it
Got some more suggestions, letting go, minding my own business & keeping my side of the street clean, a day at a time
Acknowledged my physical pain i felt, i was starting to shake/shiver, shock
Realised I hadnt eaten for a while either
Acknowledged that I do not want to neglect myself or self harm
Acknowledged that this is for today, I may feel so different tomorow
Accepted that I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow
Acknowledged that i am a control freak
I have heard 4 times in the last 24 hours THERE ARE NO RULES
Time to let go & let God

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. P58 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful that I havent drunk today, I dont want to drink today & for the spiritual tools i have been given & my willingness to use them... wheres the self pity ? the self pity i had was manageable until i projected, solution stop projecting & keep it in the day. ok

I am grateful for what I have been given so far, its been an amazing journey. Am grateful the above list and the lessons learnt so far. More will be revealed. Am grateful to other blogs for showing me whats going on outside of Johno's world, for giving me a better perspective.

That was today, I am now gonna eat, pray, cry & sleep

Grateful too for Remembering the fork - The best is yet to come
Rule #62 dont take yourself to seriously
Means accepting that i will make mistakes & accepting my imperfect self with dignity today

Keep on keeping on