Thursday, November 17, 2005

Growing outwards

It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too

no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway

I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity

I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
balance
it is an art, its all art

The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go

I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life

And I am liking it

We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed.
P25

stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
blogged
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves.
P84

Look at the evidence

Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
unclean
malnourished
lonely
exhausted
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow

AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works
P28

The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed

tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools

Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...

one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful

All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)

3 comments:

Trudging said...

You will feel so much better after you finish your fourth and fifth.

NMAMFQLMSH said...

I Still SEE YOU,
JJ

Blue said...

Oh sweetie… that is very kind of you to say so… but it’s not me… It’s your Higher Power working in your life.

Wonderful post and I am glad to hear that you are doing better… Keeping an open mind is such a key tool for enlightenment, now if I could only remember that I'd be much better off. But it is what it is, lol