Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Big wave is levelling out

Anniversary has come & gone

day at a time

Doing whats in front of me

Trust God
Clean House
help others


Keep on, keeping on

Life will mean something at last.
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

no drama
self centred fear that something bad would happen after so much gratitude
Things will happen whether am grateful or not
Fear is a red herring my head throws at me every so often
it brings self pity & misery

Grateful for the ordinary, its taking a little getting used to

page ref Alcoholics Anonymous "big book"

Monday, August 21, 2006

God sent us Simon & Garfunkel

Bridge Over Trouble Water

When you’re weary,
feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;

I’m on your side.
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.

I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

© 1969 Paul Simon

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension

19th August 2003 I had my last drink

A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
need i say more

This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
self will
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!

By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)

I tell you this has been the best ever yet

It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"

So to end on

The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.

The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self

I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more

It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all

I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.

When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely

Am grateful for everything, everything

Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET

Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again

Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated

All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition

Sunday, April 23, 2006

A quarter of a year has past.....

Since I last blogged.
Mum got sick
she got sicker
She died

The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain

At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none

when I expected greed, there was none

when I expected sulking, there was very little

What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis

to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff

To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood

to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this

some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later

I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection

I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.

Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...

I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter

grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times

well thats how it is for me anyway

as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection

Keep coming back

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Thank you

I am grateful for

all the
thats been sent to me via blogging

also grateful for
being sober
a productive day
improving my conscious contact
being willing
being openminded

Being granted
acceptance of things i cannot change
having the courage to change the things i can
and knowing the wisdom to know the difference
just for today anyway

Lots a love


100th post. not sure of the significance.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I am grateful for

Mum started chemo
I am happy
jobs going well
got a pay rise
no longer being a drain on the company
being useful
applying for supervisor role
believing am worth it... applying
accepting I may not get it
applying anyway
being willing to try
home group
having something to pass on
passing it on and letting go
not trying to be an expert
preparing for my trip
not being perfect
being sober
having faith in God
being a part of
loving living

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Chocolate fudge cake

Went out tonight
I amaze myself at times
went to a restaurant
no weirdness
no feeling less than
just keep it simple
no ego
just be me
took part
with people i dont even know
fitted in
strange but true
felt normal
in the moment
it was easy
what happened ???
with people i dont know not in the fellowship
left at a reasonable time
i had fun

Bizarre, i like this

around the chocolate fudge cake
I rarely eat many deserts, its true
if i do, i generally choose choc fudge cake
dunno why
i love half of it
everytime i try and eat it all
everytime, i feel sick after
its too rich
too thick
but tastes mmm
i cant stop half way
i have tooo try and eat the lot
even though i know at a certain point its time to stop
I cant
I carry on till the bitter end
which is usually three quarters in
and then wonder what happened again....
it never changes
Good job I have a sense of humus, humour
Is it a problem ? nah not really
gluttony once in a while
exersizing my will on chocolate cake
and suffering the consequences
in company I dont know and laughing about it

Rule 62# Dont take yourself so damn seriously
(Steps & Traditions)

just part of the wonderful world of Johno

Think am getting to do restaurants
practice, keep on, practice, keep on
keep turning up and just do it

Thank you for another sober & useful day

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Cant think of a title Yet

Continue to watch for selfishness,
dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these
crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss
them with someone immediately and make amends
quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely
turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and
tolerance of others is our code.
P84 Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful

This week, I have experienced
human emotions, feelings
uncrippled emotions, feelings
and dealt with them as they came up
not tried to meddle
not tried to deny
not wallowed
just felt
real powerful feelings, emotions
identified them
and let them remain in the day
which is a blessing as different ones came up each day

Its an amazing experience living sober
I have no wish to escape whats going on
infact in a surreal way, I welcome it
inspite of the pain I have felt this week
I want to keep on
I want to experience
I want to take part
I want to be part of

this family is going through something
every family goes through at some point
we are not special or different
everyones mum/sister/whatever dies at somepoint
they dont all die by the same lead up thats all
She aint dying yet
she starts chemo monday
I get to see her saturday
We get to spend time in the present

I have/am clearing away away my resentments
addressing my defective thinking
Restraint of tongue and pen is progressing
doing my part in clearing the channel
between me and my Higher power

Put in the footwork
let go of the outcome

Your job now is to be at the place where you
may be of maximum helpfulness to others,
so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful

P102 Alcoholics Anonymous

I will

I was doing the right things because I ought to
Now I am doing the right things because I want to

God has done again for me what I couldnt do for myself

My faith is enlarging
My reliance on God is progressing steadily

Real life is do-able
A day at a time

Keep on keeping on
Doing my lousy best

What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved
to be the loving and powerful hand of God.
A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

P28 Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you

Friday, January 13, 2006

I Have Faith

"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran

"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran

"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran

"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran

Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before

I now see why i am still here, not there

as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has

we all get scared
we all behave different
selective hearing

my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed

I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...

yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you

Leave it be now Johno, let go

this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...

there are no coincidences

two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week

Its a beautiful day

Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran

Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times

Monday, January 09, 2006

I am grateful and also am scared

My mums scans being clear
my mum being in a positive mood today
the oncologist being positive
being sober

having said that i am
feeling scared... people drink when their mums get ill/die
i feeling abit lost
i dont feel strong
am ill aswell which dont help
this too shall pass
i need to have faith
lean on my higher power

natural instinct is to tell everyone
those i tell just say am doing the right things
it dont seem like am doing enough
i guess I just have to have faith
i been honest with them
they can see better than me at the moment

Day at a time
whether i drink or not is not my business
i can only put in the footwork
do the right things
seek counsel

let go

God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen

any other ideas ?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

My Mothers a Superhero

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works. P28

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15

My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that

When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell

Am grateful today

that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing

that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in

that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102

I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!

Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is

Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos

What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity

Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere

God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith

All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Step 4

Its coming on, thats all i can say
am doing it
even resorted to using step 10's as an avoidance tactic
hows that win win

thanks for comments
it all helps

keep on keeping on

Works going ok
am expecting to be a superhero again
and am not
at least i worked it out before i got too much of a strop on

am grateful

Just remembered the fork


Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Stop Comparing yourself

We subjected each relation to this test --was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.

P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

yeh, there really is better ways
they were all about me
all on my terms
yeh the other party may or may not have got something out of it
but that really was not that high on my agenda

how bizarre I have been in denial
I have blamed another area of my life
for issues and just bathed in that victim like state
not bothering to look to the ideal and grow towards it
always just assumed it would just happen by magic one day

one day I would be cured miraculously
i just woke up a bit more
my thinking has just changed abit
i just seen it from an entirely different angle

could be right, could be wrong
anyway i got it down on paper and looked at it
and now i am trying to let go
and move onto the next

but i cant, i just had a God moment
a life changing feeling like someone switched the light on
and i got hope that there is hope for me
I am not a hopeless case

Ok HALT, i ate, am not angry or lonely but am tired
so am going to sleep

been having conversations lately with someone
telling them to stop comparing them selves with others
and get on with the step they are on
and i just had the same conversation with my sponsor
without realising it, until i got told to "stop comparing"
mind my own business
its not good for my self esteem

Honesty, is key, because i forget, its good to be reminded
about my assets aswell as my liabilities

Am grateful

Monday, January 02, 2006


has gone really ok
i even realised that my mum dont need me to pass on program stuff
she already keeps stuff simple
and doesnt project

strange it didnt rub off on me then
i didnt point it out to her
no need, she probably assumes i knew this stuff for years
(yes i am a mindreader)

anyway, done more step 4
still stared, but no beatings today
realised how my loneliness has been, could be, is such a liability
and how chronically selfish i am, can be, have been, could be

thank god am in with a chance
now i know

i need to check my motives before i do anything
prevention is easier than cure
especially as sometimes there is no cure

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Step 4 Seaching & Moral

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

It says looked, not stare & re live it.
It doesn't say beat yourself over the head with a stick
it doesnt say you have to make amends
it just says get it ALL down on paper and look at it
i thought there wasnt gonna be much to put down
but when you put it that way

living with an odd head, with hope
doing the right things
doing it anyway
enjoying it inspite of it all

Am grateful
for doing service
for choices
for willingness
for a sense of humour
for taking action
for patience
for honesty
for love
for the great lyricists of this world

This time last year
I was 5000 miles away
typing on a keyboard in heat
with insects fluttering all over
surreal so much has happened this year

am sober
am getting stronger
am staying stronger
am waking up
am staying awake
its worth it
am worth it

Let Go
Let God

Keep Letting Go
again, and again, and again

All is Quiet in this Alkys Head
On New Years Day