Monday, May 31, 2010


I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing

its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true

education - information = change = healing :)

Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool) 

Learning to trust again - christa sands

Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought

Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)

Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin

Craving for love - briar whitehead

My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17 

Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman

Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)

The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction & 
Difficult behaviour
Edited by  brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)

Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King

The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Step 1 ...Predictably

I am angry
because i am confused

i am relieved
i have some clarity

i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one

i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out

i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered

i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out

i feel angry
this still requires sorting

i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future

i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one

i am impatient
and want to explore

i am afraid
of self will

i want
yet i daren't
even speak it

i need yet
i daren't ask for it

to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable

yet its what i have
become used to

i dont want to
i want to
at least discuss

i want to be able to ask for
without fear

to thine own self be true

i want to stand up
and be who i am

at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely

i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human

yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out

productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion

Step 1 .... More about

Step 1

Random thoughts
Old ideas
My truth
Is a lie
I believe a lie
I have been living a lie
Without knowing
I have been in the grip
Of another persons truth
Or is it my own skewed perception
Over years of not knowing
What or why
And not understanding
Any of it
What or why

Sick as secrets
Sick as lies
Sick of feeling choked
Sick of holding my breath
Sick of splitting
Sick of attaching
Sick of fantasy because i dont know how not to
Sick of looking for control
Sick of manipulating passively
Sick of feeling less than
Sick if feeling abnormal
Sick of avoiding
Sick of laughing it off through gritted teeth
Sick of feeling sick

Cyclical thinking

Also i know this is one area to work on
At the moment
To put it in perspective
I lead a very full and healthy life
Much joy and freedom
And this area is not
Stopping me taking part
I serve and i receive joy
I do Gods will alot as possible
This is is an area which
god will help me with
This is something which
I need
His help with
I need God
And support in fellowship
And from myself
Willingness openminded honesty
Humility anylength
Its an opportunity for growth
To see God work a miracle
For me to be better for
Someone else 
And glorify God

Hand in hand with the
Spirit of the universe
Holy spirit
Come upon me :)

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Step 1

I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when 
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will

Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Self pity
I feel a sense of

I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening

This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5 
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong

That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes 
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment

I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable

I need not stay like this

Do i want to stay like this?

Are you willing to go
 to any length?

Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility


Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Johno

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes-absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70

Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)

pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you

put yourself to good use


hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
it is how it is
my will for the time being



johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours

sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else

i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really

faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...

And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3

Dear God

When do i get some sex ?
Its been forever....


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Step 10's

I need to do some
more often

i need a holiday
or i am becoming less selfcrestrained
or i an opening my mouth to quickly
or am am not wanting to let go
or am baffled
or i am carrying to much stuff
on my mind
and feeling
like its because i have a lot on
well maybe i do
2 weeks to holuday
and i want perfection
before i go
its not too much to ask
or expect is it?
Haha... A natural feeling
yet i think i am
busier than usual
exempt from being
asked to do anything
extra voluntary!!!
Dont they know who i am!!
And how precious my time is??
And how i choose what i do
you dont give it me!!
And espdcually when
me myself and i had
made plans in the sun
i was very tired
and didnt realise how tired i was

still did it
made mustakes
acxepted grace
still got some sun
and now
step 10'd

i need divine
on several issues

i need to withdraw
and pray

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Self obsessed 100%

Seems when i was drinking
i was continually playing over
the day
the week
the hour
the past
the future
the present
coulda woulda shoulda
and living in continual
guilt and fear
never communicating
never asking for help
just trying
to figure out
why it happened
and what to do

i am doing lots of good stuff
living in the
present mostly
letting go so much better
accepting grace better
loving others
serving god

yet still i find time
to think about myself
what you thinks
what he she thinks
whats next
all at the same time
yet i dont worry about
all of that or live it like before
i dont sit for hours wondering
it comes in and goes out
i take what i need
and reject the rest
i do life while this chattering goes on
and much of the time
i can let it go, pass on through

yet there are a few
that even though i suffer for it
i hang onto just for so called fun
yet they keep me in the bondage

apparantly non alkys
are like this aswell
the ones that dont
are either on something
or numb
or lying
or have better things to do
than even think about all this!!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Nothing wrong ....

All 3 samples negatuve
which means nothing wrong
just breathing tests
in a week ir so
test for asthma and the like
no big deal thesedays

i need to stop worrying
stop worrying

buzarrely i spoke with someone today
who is getting medication
to calm his worrying
its called anti depressants !!
See i hadnt put the two togetger

i am not going to take a pill
to stop me worrying
i need to grow out of it
or gradually ditch it
and fill tge hole with faith

it has been said that i worry
less thesedays
and not suprisingly
my faith is stronger

so hoping that
the more fauthful i become
the kess of a worrier
i will be

god has never given me anything
i cant handle so far
with him, in fellowship

so i will keep on
keeping on
til we are done

lay in tomorrow
and off to vets in afternoon
cat has ear mites again
and his annual well man check
and jabs :)

that means i have had him a year
or is it that he had me for a year? :)
he still purrs his head off when he sees me
before and after food
he still lays around purring randomly
he still hoots and miaows
and i still hae no idea what he's on about
he puts up with his no set meal times
i put up with his hairs!!
we get in fine
i love him :)
he is a grateful cat
and i am grateful for his personality
its perfect

Thursday, May 13, 2010

As sick as your secrets

As Sick as your secrets

There is something about
Having and doing samples
Brings out dishonesty
Pride ad a certain amount of 
Arrogance, and fear!!

Dishonesty in that i want
To eat/drink only good atuff
While i am giving samples

Pride what will they think of me
When they see it? Test it?
They will know how i live
They will know the real me
Paranoia because really
Thesedays i eat and drink
Better than many and 
Not aswell as some
I have nothing to hide
But i can improve :)

Arrogance in thinking
I know what they are looking
For in the tests
I know how to manipulate
My intake to have a good test
Yet what the heck do i know?
Head, why do you want to 
I want it straight!!

Fear in that i could have gone
Earlier and dropped of all samples
But was afraid and went back to bed
Put it off ... so sloth aswell
Yet ignorance is not bliss
Sloth does hold termites
That eat away at all the good work
All the progress
Brings up today... Fear
And a feeling of guilt
That i could have gone
To work earlier
Further dishonesty

Defects are a pain in the ass!!

I will be only as 
Sick as the secrets my body
Holds onto
Which is why i need
Experts to uncover the mysteries
The skeletons lurking!! :)

Also i am suffering 
Analysis paralysis
And need to stop
Composing blog posts
It keeps me in victim
Drama queen mode..

See i could get a call today
To say all clear!!

Then it would be simply
A virus

Reallu busy this afternoon
No time to think!
Called GP
Results not ready, call again friday
After 11am

No physical pains today!!

Going out for dinner this eve
Older couple at church
Returning my invite
A few months ago
Nice :)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Money and spreadsheets

Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored

same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does

makes me sleep

note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)

Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)

good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
is firmly a word?

mental Physical stuff today

Yeh i am interested in how my mind
and body work... Or dont work :)

is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water

i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??

i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney

i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom

i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!

Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now

thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Its true service keeps you sober sane and serene :)

Just done another session
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine

much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles

mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were

much laughter

we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)

renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open

i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D

a design for living
even in rough going


Is not about fixing
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth

not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
is not hiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real

i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love

Monday, May 10, 2010

Its just a moment this time will pass

Its interesting how i and other behave
work colleagues and manager
very supportive
health is first

church friends
all pray or me

there, reminding me
keep it in the day
be of service
no predicting
think of others
i dont know that there is anything wrong
praying for me

do more samples
we will send to lab if positive
they will test
and if so i will need to then go
fir further tests

chest xray clear
no apparant reason for cough

who knows!!
Only God at the moment

stayed at churvh after doctor
they were guitarless
so i chipped in
it helped me get out of my mind
and helped them
they prayed for me
and showed their love
its something i am beginning
to really appreciate
i used to envy close families
yet not envy that in your face stuff
yet my church family is real
its loving when i need it
yet not co dependent
not manopilatuve
not like blood families
like here if you need
the love is real

i got the love
i need to see me through :)

Friday to Monday - exyraordinary

Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)

Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol

Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible

I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really

dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...

Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that

She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
 that is at the surgery
For this evening

Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
She picked up

And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp

I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me

I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.

After letting it go 3 times
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Prison service rocks !!

I havent done prison service for ages
geographicallly its completely
opposite direction for me to get home!!
Yet i do it !!

Service keeps me sober
step 12
the guys are so grateful
i got excited last night
because i was going
into wandsworth prison

unheard of
not even a glimmer of a thought
7 years ago

God has awesome plans
i am grateful for every opportunity

to go in and feel the prison
right in its heart
you have to do it

AA has taken me places
internally and externally
i could only have imagined

thank you God