Sunday, May 30, 2010

Step 1 ...Predictably

I am angry
because i am confused

i am relieved
i have some clarity

i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one

i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out

i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered

i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out

i feel angry
this still requires sorting

i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future

i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one

i am impatient
and want to explore

i am afraid
of self will

i want
yet i daren't
even speak it

i need yet
i daren't ask for it

to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable

yet its what i have
become used to

i dont want to
i want to
at least discuss

i want to be able to ask for
without fear

to thine own self be true

i want to stand up
and be who i am

at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely

i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human

yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out

productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion

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