Disunity Kills

Today I wept for lack of unity
Today my values were overruled
Today I feel powerless
Today I feel silenced
Today my voice for the voiceless was shut down
Today my efforts to rebalance an imbalance was destroyed
Today I feel like quitting again
Today the differences are unacceptable
Today I feel the spiritual kick which others will feel later
Today I feel hurt
Today I fear the hurt others will feel
Today I feel we could have done better together
Today we could have put on a united front
Today we could have helped the cause
Today we prepare for tomorrow
Today can make a difference for tomorrow
Today I wept in disbelief at shortsightedness
Today I wept at selfishness
Today I wept at couldn't carelessness
Today I wept at perceived consequences
Today I feel physically sick
Today I feel angry
Today I feel afraid
Today I wept for others
Today I wept for myself
Today I wept for unknowns
Today I wept for bloodymindedness
Today I wept for evil streaks
Today I wept for Spiritual Warfare
Today I wept for spiritual sickness
Today I wept for the unnecessaryness of it all
Today I wept because I don't understand
Today I wept because I get no answers
Today I wept I believe through the eyes of our maker

Step 1

I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when 
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will

Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith

I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening

This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5 
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong

That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes 
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment

I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable

What?
I need not stay like this

Do i want to stay like this?
No

Are you willing to go
 to any length?
Yes

How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray

ok 

Just for today - accepting powerlessness

Just for today

Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens

I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)

i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad

I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho

Four Forces issue 203

First Force: Love

Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.

Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.

“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”

“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."

which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is

what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around

My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it

At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!

see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?

ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue

keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable P59

Powerless over alcohol
I believe it NOW

This year I have experienced
a real turn in my "going out"
I have relaxed, enjoyed the company
I am with and really changed around
not being on edge around booze
yeh there are the moments
when I feel the
"Why dont you drink?
what not atall?"
and how quickly people forget
and ask again the next time
most people leave me alone
after a few minutes
its the peoples shocked attitude
rather than drink its self

but this last month or so since
study finished for the summer
I have had some good times
had fun
the vigilance ON GUARD
is replaced by a knowledge
and get on with whats in front of me
ie who am I with or what am I there for...
neither cocky nor are we afraid P85

A few weeks ago
I went out with the intention
of leaving the bar 6.30 and was still in there at 7.30
getting out took about 30 minutes...
I intended to go to the gym after
and ended missing a train and being very early for the next
and not MANAGING to get down the gym
this was a huge dent i my pride
how could I have let this stuff
interest me so much
self will was amazingly weakenedp92
these cocktails I have never tasted
have such a hold on me that
I wanted to stick around
I had no desire... or did I?
yeh I think I had a desire to taste these
interesting drinks
but no desire to get drunk
no desire to get out of it
but I didnt
I really had no idea
what was going on inside of the bar that night
or should I say inside my head
until this week
I have felt
restless, irritable and discontent Pxxvi Dr's Opinion
ever since and didnt kknow why
until now...

I felt manipulated and messed around
by drink and I didnt drink it
The problem centres in my mind P23
I thought its the smell
that sets the craving off in me
now I know its not the case
I have had no desire to drink
or taste a drink after I left the bar
its not the smell, I had plenty of smells that night
its the first drink

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink p43

Or was it that I was having fun
and didnt actually want to leave
and go do the other thing
and it just didnt feel
acceptable to actually want to stay
in the bar because I was having a good time!?
perhaps next time I do not need to set
up the get out of jail card
reason to leave at a certain time..
leave it absolutely with God to tell me!

Why didnt I drink that night?
I was really relaxed
it was close to me
it looked harmless, colourful
I could smell it
and I wasnt really being anally vigilant
like I have been before
Good company
good venue
comfy chairs
and I was feeling good...
and the drinks looked fine
not dangerous atall
I have to say I was baffled
and its been on my mind
I didnt drink and
In my mind I deserved tooo
I mean enjoying myself in a bar!!
How dare I...

Obviously God has other plans
Obviously to me now
my defence came from a Higher Power P43
I was not in control that night
me nor any other human beingP43
I look back now and see
my mind was interested in the stuff
God had other ideas!

I feel blessed
Its scared the hell out of me
On Thursday I had one of those
How come I didnt get this before days
Spiritual Pride..

Its God that keeps me sober
not me, I mean not me really
I am powerless
God is all powerful p59
I feel grateful
Although I have spent
a while feeling ungrateful
for this battle going on in my head
trying to figure out whats happening
and why I felt so messed around...

We read Step 3 out of the big book last night
at my home group
I felt like the
"retired business man who lolls in the
Florida sunshine in the winter complaining
of the sad state of the nation" P59
I had been given Grace
grace to go to bars
an alcoholic going to bars and leaving sober
after having a good and great times??
and a legitimate reason to be there
and feeling in fit spiritual conditionp101
before i went in
and praying
before and during
hows that work then?
yeh I had been complaining
about the heaviness of it all..

but not seeing that
It works-it really doesp88

A drinking buddy said on Thursday
after he looking at me drinking coke
whilst he sipped at his vodka and coke
or was it the 3rd round to my one
"I admire you..."
I stayed for ages
and knew when it was time to leave
and left...

Bizarre this mind stuff
the mind is a dangerous place!

God I offer myself to thee
to build with me as thou wilt
releieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
may I do thy will always P63

Forgive me for not asking you
everyday for a sober day
It doesnt mean that I dont want it
I love the life you are giving me
even though my mind tells me
lots of rubbish
which I still at times have trouble not listening to
I beleive in you
This week I see you have the Power
I really can let go absolutely! p58

I am told this is growth
its all progress..

Step 1 - in all our affairs! on alcohol... its just the beginning

Step 1
It took a while to accept
Powerlessness
I understood it more in
other people's alcohol relapses
than in my own drinking career
yet I couldnt understand why they just "didn't" stay away
from that 1st drink
Like I did...
I couldn't see that the time span
between my 1st AA meeting and my last drink
about 13 years...
alcohol beat me into submission
a state of reasonableness
or was it complete defeat
from which reasonableness came later

Powerless over how you think, feel, speak
whether the bus arrives when I want it
whether it rains for a picnic
whether I will be alive at the end of today

Really I am not 100% in control of any of that
am I?

No

I cannot guarantee that I drink one, I wont have another
I always believed that even though I lost my dignity over and over
by the next day I had forgotton and would do it again
I always believed it would be different next time

I cant

And our lives have become unmanageable ?
again I could see how your lives
were a nightmare, you were on drugs
for gods sake, couldnt control
your sex addictions, gambling habit
shopping addictions, were angry all the time
shouted at managers and old ladies
an were up to your eyeballs in debt
me, I was just a mess
but not like you!!!!!!!!!!
see I had a job and paid my mortgage
and bills so I wast that bad huh?
perhaps I was not such an alcoholic
afterall...

Incorrect

I am an alcoholic
All the while I was drinking
I couldnt manage to control my spending
I couldnt manage a monogamous relationship
I couldnt manage to tell the truth
I couldnt manage an honest days work
I couldnt manage to maintain personal hygene
I couldnt manage to have a conversation
(for more than 5 minutes)
I couldnt manage to maintain friendships
I couldnt manage to send my family cards on birthdays etc
I couldnt manage to feed myself
I couldnt manage to maintain anything
I couldnt manage my confidence
I couldnt manage to have pastimes
I couldnt manage to tolerate religeon
I couldnt manage to tolerate the word God
I couldnt manage to smile on a regular basis
I couldnt manage to trust
I couldnt manage to drink...like a lady
I couldnt rely on myself in any area

Unmanagable
hanging in there!
Existing not living
survival and enduring
cutting corners
getting away with
waiting for the day to end

Stopping drinking is just the beginning
highlighting these and more
AREAS in step 1
showed me I am not doing very well huh!

Whenever nowadays ANYTHING troubles me
anything I cant do
anything I consider a "problem"
situation, something I am not comfortable with
I refer back to the principle in step 1
Identify the problem I have
Tell the truth
HONESTY

Look at what I have done to resolve it
and what was the result?
If its "misery, frustration, baffled, beaten" even
then I need to ask for help
turn to a power greater
Look for the solution...

THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
whether I can see that and believe it
in relation to my current problem
depends on my openness and relationship
my FAITH and WILLINGNESS
And how arrogant and full of pride
and how log I have left the problem
trying to
not address it
or believe at somepoint it will
resolve itself or go away

thankfully most days
thesedays
I dont get to
"misery, frustration, baffled, beaten"
often self willed irritation
that I have to admit I need help
yet only this week
I had one
in relation to this "going for coffee"
and thought I was never going to be able
to speak it out...
but I have and its ok
and I am normal... it seems
and its no big deal
see I know that I am not special and different
I just have trouble believing it sometimes

step 2 is such a Good news step
and a relief to move onto
however
Step 1 I revisit everytime something
troubles me or you infact!
whether it be a resentment
me
you
it
God
anything

Step 1... whats your problem?

I can't.... what?
I won't .... do what?
I don't think I can .... do what?
Its not right ... what isn't?
It shouldnt be like this .... what?
I am afraid ... of what ?
I hate it... what?

Telling the truth... is Step 1
admitting and accepting
I can't
is Step 1

At the beginning
its about alcohol

later with PRACTICE
its not such a big deal
to recognise and take
an honest look at THE PROBLEM
whatever it is
and accepting that on some things
no amount of self will and determination
and self and other knowledge
will make this problem go away

Good news... as always
THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION
Step 2

I am not as miserable as I may sound!?

awareness really is a huge key
its true

today is better
the truth sets me free
admitting loneliness is freedom

I dont feel half as lonely
as I did a few days ago

Review at work
Highly effective again...
Also told
no need to fear a review
any development areas
would have been highlighted
or become apparant well before the review
so a review if we are being managed well
would hold no suprises
hence... there were no suprises

I am supersonic
at work

My head tells me so many lies
relax
relax

trust the process
put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
do my best on a daily basis

not slothful
not victim like
honest best
is enough

I am happy today

The truth is often
funnier than fiction
I make people laugh
just by telling the truth

personal objectives carried in my review
Get in at least once a week for 9am
How many times in the last 7 weeks
have I got in for 9am?
twice!
its true
yeh its not a business objective
its a personal one
so I have nothing to fear
except... my own big stick

Great hilarity in the office
Twice... It is progress
They dont realise just how much
progress that is
I find it all amusing
and also accepting this is
reality for me
Not taking myself seriously
in this are is ESSENTIAL
and I need to stop trying
....
I can laugh about it too!!

Sky Blue and Black

When something stops working
letting Go
with love
acceptance
forgiveness
things change
sometimes
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in

I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne


Forgiveness
Love
Acceptance
Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day

Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
however
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?

What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv

Powerless

ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win

pps.
some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile

Todays lighter - even laughed!

I really try to lighten up!
yesterday was a complete struggle
restraint of tongue gave in at about 4.30
and me and boss both through overdoing it
and neither of us sleeping
barked at each other...
she stated the bleeding obvious!
and I just wanted to punch her...

This morning I apologised for barking
I could see she was just trying to help
me I havent accepted still that I am human
and no-one else I or she or anyone else I know
does what I do... thats because we are not clones
I am unique haha

We spent the day friends
and hugged at the end arrr... seriously this is how it is
I am blessed really
Like she says its swings and roundabouts
except I am not usually the one
barking, crying and needing some slack for long periods!

She's still well impressed with me
even if I am not
see my standards are far too high
hers are fine as they are

I have heard far to often in the last 3 months
do you think your being to hard on yourself?
Take it easy
You have a lot on
you have a LOT on
I couldnt do all what you do
I dont know how you do it all
Go home and have an early night

Now I see its not all possible
long term
and I actually dont want to be like that
i'm changing and being changed

I have been trying to hard
and trying too hard to slow down
and now I have stopped
my diary wiped off my phone a week ago
and I lost my outlook
thats 3 years emails and calender and contacts
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
and I just smiled and accepted
either that or i'm in shock and dont know it
you could call it operator error
I prefer to call it
A VERY BIG sign from God and his Special agents

That if you arent gonna listen AND QUIT everything
and trust me
I am gonna do it for you
God does for me what I wont do for myself!

A couple of offers to retrieve the outlook
But I feel its just another thing I have become attached too
Like the phone diary
Its made me now, or is that enabled me now to
Live in the day
each day
TODAY

I even wrote, thats hand wrote
a couple of letters in cards to people
stuck stamps on and posted them
now thats far cooler than email!

If I forget birthdays and other stuff
well so be it
I have to let go absolutely
I have cancelled everything I can remember until June 14th
Thats everything

Except
Work
Uni
1 service commitment (every 8 weeks)
Home group
12 step calls (which are God sent)

I will sleep when I am tired
and work when I am awake
I never thought of taking a nap after work
and getting up again and studying
before bed
until today

Nutrition
two Special agents in the workplace in a week have said
"you eat more sweet stuff since you started the veggie thing"
and "course your going to be off, you changed your diet"
letting go of the meat or should I say KFC's was needed
With the fish it was a choice and I have learned alot since January 1st
3 months off meat and fish
I had some fish last night and today
doesnt feel a failure
it feels like the right thing to do
my diet was not that bad
I have felt hungry lots and lots recently
and ate more sugary stuff compensating

I am less hungry today
less time spent trying to work out what to
eat and get a balance
its tiring, energy I need elsewhere at the moment
Eating sustainable farmed fish
which is in keeping with how I feel about
the way its killed
until I am able to maintain a healthy
vegetarian lifestyle I will continue with fish

KFC's chicken and meat... are off limits
I have no desire and after 3-4 months off
I am now aware of what drives the need to KFC
its lack of regular meals and being hungry H.A.L.T
and sloth!

Listening - Doing the next right thing
see i'm listening and taking steps
letting go and then bringing back in whats Good
and then letting go again

made calls about teachers..
will call til I get through
continuing to listen for the moment
no more commitments until after june 14th
yes exams/assessments yes two this week!
yes looney tunes, premental, examental
yes yes YES!!!!!!
flippin' old timers! ;)
God bless fellow students!

oceans and waves
waves are part of the ocean
they come and go from the ocean and back to the ocean
leaving on the beach whats not required
at the right time
I read that in this book I think?!

awareness is cool
letting go - feeling lighter
had my eyelashes tinted on the way home
eyes feeling alive again
laughing muscles working well today

I love you guys
x

ps. that diary note to keep an eye on my pmt...
it disappeared 2 a couple of week ends ago didnt it!
powerless DOH!

One drink a week? How and why do/would you do that then?

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people! P31

Again in my job, I process some applications
where one of the questions is around a persons alcohol consumption

Here's one I got given to action
The answer to Question 3 is One
And the Answer to Question 4 is No

Q3. What is your average weekly consumption of alcohol in units?
(A unit of alcohol is equivalent to half a pint of beer, lager or cider, one standard glass of wine or a single measure of spirits)
Q4. In the last 5 years has your average alcohol consumption ever been higher than your current average?

no read it again!
did you laugh?
Did you ask yourself why only one a WEEK?
Did you say whats the point of having one a WEEK?
ONE?
I dont accept normal drinkers drinkers!
Nor do I understand them

I will pray for them!

Average 1 a week

I checked with someone nearby
They saw nothing funny in it
so I shut up!
and carried on processing it

Greatful non drinking alcoholic
I know one is not enough for me
Thinking about it
It never was

God bless them normal drinkers

We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn´t done so yet. P31

They really dont know
what terrible consequences they are missing!?

well this person may
in her job, she more than likely sees the consequences
of the first drink
oh to well on a Friday and Saturday evening

FOR MOST normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us.... P151

Happy Birthday Mum 1944 - 2006

Todays been an odd one
I have tried to keep it real
and yet not overanalyse!

How do I feel?
Mentally alert
Emotionally Floundering
Physically weak and cough cold
Spiritually strong

I received texts from family
I felt their love for my mum
through their texts about
flowers they had bought
that they were visiting where she is scattered
and that they are thinking about her

I went to buy flowers, but felt fake
I thought about going to a church, and wondered why?
I wondered what I was supposed to do today?
I have absolutely no idea
So I did nothing
cried, let what ever came came
which wasnt much as you see
I did be in touch with others
and let them be themselves
my brother misses her terribly

What do I feel
I really dont know
I cant create a feeling
have I
feelings of hate ? no
feelings of dislike? no
feelings of let down ? no
feelings of abandonment ? no
feelings of anything negative towards her? no

ok then
who am I to say what I am feeling is not love?
who am I to say what degrees and what guise Love comes in?
who am I to say what I feel is not Love

Mum I love you
but I dont miss you
for the right reasons
so I try and fight the Love
try and justify the no Love
No missing her for unselfish reasons, therefore no love allowed
I can see I have been making my own rules up here
another old idea...
needs work:)

GRIEF
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE IT
DONT TRY AND UNDERSTAND IT
DONT RUN OR TRY AND HIDE FROM IT
IT IS A POWERFUL THING
its not negative but sometimes it feels like it
to me its a part of the healing process
healing from a loss
in this instance a loss of a mother
grief process I experienced after a change in behaviour
for instance too, same principle, different thing

I am sure theres more
But I know only a little
more exploration required
in Gods time

Dear Mum
When I think of you today
I think of pink roses like in the picture
your favourite
With a wonderful fragrance
That only a rose can give
Pure, fresh, fragrant, like no other
I love pink roses nowadays, this pink
like this one, because you do
Happy Birthday
I hope you had good one
and please stop by "our kids" house
and give him a kiss while he's sleeping
he misses his mummy
and then come by mine and give me
some mummy love too
thanks
see ya
xx

I am powerless over Blogging - although my life is not completely unmanageable as the result

Have you ever decided to stop Blogging for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? yes

Do you wish people would mind their own business about your blogging-- stop telling you what to do? yes

Have you ever switched from one kind of blog to another in the hope that this would keep you from blogging so much? yes

Have you had to have a blog in the morning during the past year? yes

Do you envy people who can blog without getting into trouble? no
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.

Have you had problems connected with blogging during the past year? yes
Be honest!

Has your blogging caused trouble at home? no
(well yes, washing up still not done, late night on the blog)


Do you tell yourself you can stop blogging any time you want to, even though you keep blogging when you don't mean to? no I dont kid myself anymore

Have you missed days of work because of drinking? no

Do you have "blackouts"? no

Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not blog? at times

A.A. does not promise to solve your life's problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without booze "one day at a time." We stay away from that "first drink." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of booze, we found that life became much more manageable.

I tried to control my blogging, and don't enjoy it
Blogging has made me late for work
I haven't been to prison or hospital as a result of my blogging
I blog alone
I have tried to give up blogging and cant
I have tried to change my blog style
I've tried blogging
I've tried not blogging
I've tried only blogging on a tuesday,
I've tried blogging uptil 11pm
I've tried not blogging after midnight,
I've tried not reading other peoples blogs,
I've tried not commenting,
I've tried only commenting on 1 persons blog each visit
I've tried commenting on veryones blog I visit
I've tried just looking at how I score on top100soberblogs,
I've tried not checking my score on top100sober blogs...

All control, and unsustainable longer than a day!

now I just let it be, and blog when it comes and dont when it dont, long when its long, short when its short. I rarely save and edit, infact I dont, just write, re read and edit once and the hit publish...

I am now officialy unable to control my blogging,
I have daily blogged
I have topped up my posts and blogged more than once in a day
I seek out other bloggers like me
I stop for a while and then binge blog
I have tried complete abstainence.

It WAS the first post that did the damage!

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. p83

August 19th 2003
Got out of bed, well past the snooze
Threw on clothes
splash wash
didnt clean my teeth
cursed self for not being more organised
no breakfast
clothes all over the place
deodorant over deodorant over deodorant

cursed the bus for being late
cursed the tube for taking so long
cursed self for being late again
shuffled papers for most of the day
did some work within the 8 hours
sent most of the day thinking about
the evening when I would get off with my crush
go back to one of us places and make passionate love
or something like that... this was to be my time
no more waiting, no more excuses, this time
I wasnt gonna get drunk
just drink a few halves

Left work, our dept went out
with new recruits and manager
free champagne
free shots
free bar
out went the idea of halves
very soon, was drunk
out of control
off with some bloke in the toilet
I wouldnt have looked at sober
gueyser well known for not being choosy
crush wouldnt know huh... still in with a chance

We moved onto the Indian Restaurant
more free drinks, well oiled
sat opposite my boss
making lude remarks with the new recruits
I then needed the toilet
An staggered downstairs
crashing against the walls
and stood in there wondering...
wondering what the 'uck had happened
why had I got like this
how could I change it all back again?

yeh I can remember all this
out of control
knowing its all happening
and not being able to do a damn thing about it
Got to the table, i wanted to go home
and couldnt, couldnt miss out on
what is it i thought i would miss out on?
still dunno, that inability to leave first
Boss said he'd never seen my eyes glaze over before
No-one had ever said they'd seen my eyes glaze over before
As I gulped Indian lager and picked at food
knowing I had had enough
but not knowing how to end the evening, with dignity
dignity had gone out of the window
whatever happened next out of my control
it was very clear to me already

Finally crush got up to leave
yeh my excuse to go too
Staggered to the bus... still daylight
small talk
I was thinking
why dont you come back to mine
why dont you invite me to yours
willing it to happen

Crush got off the bus
I stayed on... in full resentment
how could it not have happened
perfect opportunity
why do people play games with me
poor me, blah blah

Started sending sms to crush
get off your train !
why are you ignoring my messages !
you know you want to !
you think am rubbish dont you !
I dont blame you for ignoring me!
get the picture...

Then I freaked when crush rang me
"Stop being paranoid"
"I'm not having a conversation with you while
am on the train"
"Why arent you at home ?"
My response "Cos I dont want to be yet
and whats it got to do with you anyway!"

By this time, I had missed my stop
was in completely the wrong part of London
Didnt know wher I was...
Cold, drunk and miserable, and alone
Badly needing the toilet AGAIN
Story of my life, whers the bathroom

Got off bus
Took another back to somewhere
joining my route home
Well dark, well late, well ashamed
Well...lost it, incontinence set in

Got home, freaked out and afraid
ashamed and bewildered
A Cockroach greeted me

Threw clothes on the floor
and flaked out in bed
Wondering what the hell was gonna happen tomorrow
How was I gonna face all these people
I worked with everyday, ever again

My attempt at controlling my drinking
Had really failed and it scared me
How out of control I had actually got
I really didnt like it
I was afraid of what was happening
And had no idea what was gonna happen next
Outer control

This is not the way I has planned for my life
to be at aged 36, no way!!
And I couldnt seem to do a damn thing to change it
What a 'uck up
suicidal thoughts were creeping in
I didnt like the way it was all panning out

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. p44

I didnt know it at the time
I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism
My life was unmanageable
I was without hope
I tried to control my drinking
seriously tried to control it
and it scared my how I couldnt
and that i could be consciously out of control

THIS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE

The only person I compare myself with now
Is the person I was upto and including
19th August 2003

To compare with anyone else is dishonest
and not a fair comparison
We are all came up different paths
We come at it all from an entirely different angle
One common problem
Alcohol ISM

AA is big enough and strong enough for all of us
No one's path to messy
in my experience

Music Kept me alive
Songs spoke to me
Kept me hanging in there
Even though I didnt know anyone who hurt like I did
Even though No-one seems to pain like I did
I found comfort in music
I trusted that they spoke the truth
I hung on, for what I had no idea, I just hung on

When your sure you've had enough of this life
Hang on
Dont let yourself Go
Cos everybody cries
Everybody Hurts
Some time

So hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on



If this is where your at, or not far away from

Dont quit before the miracle

Please
Make that call, say life is shit
go to a meeting, ask for help
No need to do this on your own anymore
help is right here, right now
DO IT

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Pre mental Tension - Caught me unawares!!

I am not going to apologise for the
content of this post, its all about me
and myself and how I am physically

Am completely Powerless over when....
1 week early!?
no am not worried
I diarise, I prepare, get "fit" in all areas
watch for the symptoms
This one completely came from no where
A curve ball
So Friday evenings behaviour is not so random now
its bleedin obvious
(sorry no pun intended it just happened)

One day a month
I am better of selotaping my mouth shut
where possible staying away staying in bed
as this is not possible
and I choose no longer to duvet dive
and bunk off work
as I am not ill (hmmm)

I have to excersize extreme restraint of tongue
pen and email and blo...
i was gonna add blog, but then why do i need to
I blog for me
Its my thinking, my processing, my tool
where my thinking was going, didnt concern me Friday
I knew I would take inventory pretty quick
and get to the root and deal with it
(and I did Saturday Morning,
and promptly admitted my wrong)
My thinking interested me more than anything
How the mood changed
Anger, resentment, sulking
Why it had got like that
Now its obvious

Though you know
because I now know to stay honest
because I now do not destroy the innocent
because I do show my "ugly" true self
at people who are strong enough, strong AA and God
There arent many who take my inventory
But I am grateful for it
Even if I dont like it immediately
Its what I need
funnily my sponsee almost did the other day

PMT doesnt change anything
I said about myself on Friday
I had reverted to a control freak
and I didnt know what to do
Its true I am new at sponsoring
I am not new at working with newcomers
They are both different
I was trying to control this "cat"
Trying to make it go may way
Cos my way was "the only" way
It was subtle, but there even so
Cunning

I do trust my intuition
I do trust Prayer
I do trust God
I do trust my own experience
I do trust the experience of others
I do not do everything I am told
I do take suggestions
I do try things
Not always immediately
Nothing goes to waste
If its not relevant today
It maybe tomorrow or next year
Shove it in the library

Am grateful for Sponsors and everyone elses
suggestions and especially grateful
to anyone who take my inventory
it must be needed
whether I choose to take notice
is my business

Its a reminder
that no one has all the answers
its like a jigsaw
between us we get there

Spent a couple of hours yesterday
in prayer and inventory
It so helps me get clarity on everything
So did tradition 6... but thats another post

God always seems to have a way of sorting things out
when I let him,
I did what was suggested.... nothing else

And once again God did for me what I couldnt
do for myself

Sponsee told me she wasnt willing
to put recovery first at the mo and would call
me when she is...

There are no coincidences

Ok am off now
Another conversation with God

Thank you for all your Birthday Wishes
I had the most awesome 36hours
Loads of posts and pictures
just stuff that came up
things that interest me
like a Ninja Duck in St James Park
I took a video of this Duck going to anylengths...
serious dudes!! I dunno how to post a video
will take a year for me to download it off the camera

To finish off where I started
(oh God theres another one!?)
dressed very becomingly for
Ronnie Scotts
heels and yeh ok a dress aswell (shhh)
I hate to admit it... very classy bird i was...
Excellent Original Blues Brothers band
"From off the original movie!!" its true
I am so damn lucky

how come I had been home only a few hours after a long day
and night, I got in a 3am ish and had only been
home a few hours when it happened ?
If it happened a few hours earlier
It would have been well messy

There really are no coincidence
God looks after mee in so many ways

Baa

I dont understand how they do it

For my work, I often collate health information
which need to be accurate
as possible
So its interesting sometimes when I get to the drink and drugs
part of the form

No client is present when I get the form
I just send the info down the line
Today there was one form for a man and wife,
on it was

Do you drink alcohol ? yes
On average how many units per week ?
(one unit is a small glass of wine, i/2 pint of beer
or a spirit measure)
He drank on average 2 units a week
She drank 1 unit on average per week

? I dont understand this ?
Why would anyone drink 1 measure a week
whats the point ?
or even two ?
or even 3 ?
and how do you do it?
week in week out ?
"uckers!!

Today I got stuck on this question
and it took about 15 minutes for me to move on
to the next it didnt matter, no one was there

No I didnt ring them up to ask them "Are they sure?"

I am reminded on at least a weekly basis
that the amount I drank per week was far above average
and I do not understand how people can
just have a couple A WEEK
beats me!!

Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people.

All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. xxviii THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
Page ref Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Working with others

Thank God for Newcomers
Really showing me
HOW PATIENT & FORGIVING
AA's have been with me
I made up my own rules
I had skewed perception
I had selective hearing
I Cant live with AA, dont want to live with out it
I Dont want to do anything, but cant do nothing anymore
I used cafeteria method
I was AM Self will run riot
All stuff I have said myself and heard said to me this week

Am Working hard
at working WITH others
at not being a control freak
at not being manipulated
cutting through the unnecessary
finding the root of the problem

Accepting I am not here to please
I am just carrying a message
I am powerless over other peoples reactions

I am just an AA sponsor
Not the font of all knowledge

Willing to go to any length
Willing to let go
Willing to do whatever you have for me to do God
Show me

Day at a time
Have faith

Thank God for Inventory, Prayer & Meditation
Thank God for Working with Others

Learning to deal with

Disillusionment - To free or deprive of illusion

Today I learned that its ok, to take part in life as long as I expect the unexpected. Its taken me a long time to open my mouth & voice my opinion & not worry what you thought. For years if i did dare say what i thought, when it might not be what you wanted to hear, i would worry about what would happen next. If you looked at me after, i would worry for weeks, drink on it, replay it over and over in my head.

I am allowed to voice my opinion, as long as i remember other people are too.
I also must mind my own business what people think of me, no matter what.
I am powerless over other people, no matter how well intentioned my intentions are

Today
I am grateful for

• having step 10's
• the people that tell me the ego puncturing truth
• the truth that always sets me free (eventually)
• that everything teaches me (positive & negative)
• that i am still growing
• accepting i am imperfect
• the willingness to listen & take suggestions from those that walked before
• Knowing that i dont have to do tackle my whole lifes problems today
• Knowing that I do not have take on board everyones suggestions
• remembering nowadays, if i do what those who have what i want do, i get what they have
• accepting that i may not have what people want
• Accepting that others walk a different path to me & do stay sober
• that people dont always agree with me
• that i accept that i can be wrong
• accepting that my experience wont help everyone
• accepting that my experience does help some
• for the 1st 100 members telling us Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous
• the the 1st 100 members telling us Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroysmore alcoholics than anything else. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous
• restraint of tongue & pen
• Respecting anothers request to butt out in the future
• Learning from everybody, no matter who they are
• Staying sober today
• Ending the day free of anger & resentment
• Being reminded what a great gift Accepting that I am an alcoholic is
• Staying sober today
• For going to bed free of fear & resentment
• For being a part of something that wants the me to comprehend peace & serenity
• Keeping it in the day