Sunday, August 19, 2007

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. p83

August 19th 2003
Got out of bed, well past the snooze
Threw on clothes
splash wash
didnt clean my teeth
cursed self for not being more organised
no breakfast
clothes all over the place
deodorant over deodorant over deodorant

cursed the bus for being late
cursed the tube for taking so long
cursed self for being late again
shuffled papers for most of the day
did some work within the 8 hours
sent most of the day thinking about
the evening when I would get off with my crush
go back to one of us places and make passionate love
or something like that... this was to be my time
no more waiting, no more excuses, this time
I wasnt gonna get drunk
just drink a few halves

Left work, our dept went out
with new recruits and manager
free champagne
free shots
free bar
out went the idea of halves
very soon, was drunk
out of control
off with some bloke in the toilet
I wouldnt have looked at sober
gueyser well known for not being choosy
crush wouldnt know huh... still in with a chance

We moved onto the Indian Restaurant
more free drinks, well oiled
sat opposite my boss
making lude remarks with the new recruits
I then needed the toilet
An staggered downstairs
crashing against the walls
and stood in there wondering...
wondering what the 'uck had happened
why had I got like this
how could I change it all back again?

yeh I can remember all this
out of control
knowing its all happening
and not being able to do a damn thing about it
Got to the table, i wanted to go home
and couldnt, couldnt miss out on
what is it i thought i would miss out on?
still dunno, that inability to leave first
Boss said he'd never seen my eyes glaze over before
No-one had ever said they'd seen my eyes glaze over before
As I gulped Indian lager and picked at food
knowing I had had enough
but not knowing how to end the evening, with dignity
dignity had gone out of the window
whatever happened next out of my control
it was very clear to me already

Finally crush got up to leave
yeh my excuse to go too
Staggered to the bus... still daylight
small talk
I was thinking
why dont you come back to mine
why dont you invite me to yours
willing it to happen

Crush got off the bus
I stayed on... in full resentment
how could it not have happened
perfect opportunity
why do people play games with me
poor me, blah blah

Started sending sms to crush
get off your train !
why are you ignoring my messages !
you know you want to !
you think am rubbish dont you !
I dont blame you for ignoring me!
get the picture...

Then I freaked when crush rang me
"Stop being paranoid"
"I'm not having a conversation with you while
am on the train"
"Why arent you at home ?"
My response "Cos I dont want to be yet
and whats it got to do with you anyway!"

By this time, I had missed my stop
was in completely the wrong part of London
Didnt know wher I was...
Cold, drunk and miserable, and alone
Badly needing the toilet AGAIN
Story of my life, whers the bathroom

Got off bus
Took another back to somewhere
joining my route home
Well dark, well late, well ashamed
Well...lost it, incontinence set in

Got home, freaked out and afraid
ashamed and bewildered
A Cockroach greeted me

Threw clothes on the floor
and flaked out in bed
Wondering what the hell was gonna happen tomorrow
How was I gonna face all these people
I worked with everyday, ever again

My attempt at controlling my drinking
Had really failed and it scared me
How out of control I had actually got
I really didnt like it
I was afraid of what was happening
And had no idea what was gonna happen next
Outer control

This is not the way I has planned for my life
to be at aged 36, no way!!
And I couldnt seem to do a damn thing to change it
What a 'uck up
suicidal thoughts were creeping in
I didnt like the way it was all panning out

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. p44

I didnt know it at the time
I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism
My life was unmanageable
I was without hope
I tried to control my drinking
seriously tried to control it
and it scared my how I couldnt
and that i could be consciously out of control


The only person I compare myself with now
Is the person I was upto and including
19th August 2003

To compare with anyone else is dishonest
and not a fair comparison
We are all came up different paths
We come at it all from an entirely different angle
One common problem
Alcohol ISM

AA is big enough and strong enough for all of us
No one's path to messy
in my experience

Music Kept me alive
Songs spoke to me
Kept me hanging in there
Even though I didnt know anyone who hurt like I did
Even though No-one seems to pain like I did
I found comfort in music
I trusted that they spoke the truth
I hung on, for what I had no idea, I just hung on

When your sure you've had enough of this life
Hang on
Dont let yourself Go
Cos everybody cries
Everybody Hurts
Some time

So hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on

If this is where your at, or not far away from

Dont quit before the miracle

Make that call, say life is shit
go to a meeting, ask for help
No need to do this on your own anymore
help is right here, right now

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts


When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


Kathy Lynne said...

I'm glad you held on because you are here for me to hold on:)

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

great post. Music has saved me many times. sometimes it was the only voice I could hear that 'made sense', even though I had no idea what the problem was. Music and poetry continue to teach me things my logical right brain cannot quite grasp. Its a wonderful healing tool. Very precious.

Great story. Describes the loss of dignity to a tee. Its amazing when you think about it, isnt it? How on earth did we get from there to here? We are very lucky. So many are still 'out there'. Its very sad. Drinking is such a lonely misunderstood place. I am bafffled how anyone can stand it as long as they do. By 23 I had had enough.