Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Courage to Heal - Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

Due to an side on attack of the demons
in WH Smiths at the Station yesterday

After a 2.5year gap, I bent the cover of
this book again last night

Reality tells me, am pre mental
Step 10's showed me
that my first thought was just
a thin layer of a lie, which seemed the truth
Step10's show me whats under it is far less menacing
and driven by envy, self seeking and self pity
and a desire to be normal... which doesnt exist!
The Courage To Heal showed me I am normal
for someone who was sexually abused as a child
oh yeh and the onset of Pre Mental
am I sync ing with the moon ?

A dirty, unshaven, unkemped
guy back after being out for 6 month
still smelling of drink, and fear, and deep shame, hurt pride
and telling me he has let everyone down
I took him hostage for 10 minutes
it really pushed me, am glad it did
he got me right back in there
and wouldnt let go
and I wouldnt give up
its a newcomers meeting
i needed to get dirty on the floor in there
feel what it was like again

Johno what was really going on in your head at the end ?
Desperate, suicidal, had enough, sick and tired
so what really was it like ?
Confusing, lost, no dignity, out of control
didnt know who I was anymore or where I was going

so what really changed things for you
I became suicidal again, without a drink
blaming AA in my head cos it wasnt working
truth was I wasnt doing anything
except relying on my Sponsor to change the way I felt

You must be bored talking to me
No not really, is this your home group ?
It used to be til I drank, yeh I suppose
So what did you do ?
I eventually did the step work and suggestions
my sponsor gave me
so is your first thought when you open your eyes ?
Oh God do I have to do the day ?
What really ?
Yes really
so how to you get to do things then ?
I stop listening to my head
Huh ?
I had to stop listening to my head
Cos it wants me out there dead
What even now ?
yeh even now
but what is it really that changed things ?
Stopping listening to my head and instead listening to other people
in my home groups who were obviously changing for

the better and doing what they did
Which was what ?
Start the steps, and do the suggestions
and hang in there by my finger nails
dont drink not matter what
and spend all the thinking restless
time I had in meetings

So how long you been sober ?
just over 4 years
And when did it change ?
When I started doing what my sponsor suggested
the best I could, shall we get some tea ?


Having just told my story to an AA meeting
all men except for 1 other
I felt naked

I flicked through this book last night
needing the identification for how I was feeling
KNOWING it would be in there
see I am not special or different
in any area of my life
Its all there when i need it
just at times need to know where to look

Faith said its in the book, just look
and so is the solution
and it is

The Fear, deep shame, hurt pride of my thinking does not
completely win out now
The i cant tell anyone, may today seem
true (in my head)
Today I know I am a sick person getting well
not a bad person getting good

So am still at the point where I
"want to disclose, cant disclose, wont disclose"
this is where I find Step10's and telling God, saves me
God is not a person
God knows what I think as its happening
and he still with me

With people
Fear...you wont like me when you know what I think!
Faith tells me, my sponsor didnt flinch
when I told her my worst nightmare

Fear & pride says... you should be over this now
Faith says, shut up, I cant help what I think
am not a robot

Fear says... go on then
Faith, is silent

I do know I have much work to do in this area
in fact in many areas
These eskimos always appear at the oddest times
with a demon or two

Thank God I dont have to tackle all
my life problems at one
Just for today

Selotape on mouth firmly
Ignore head completely
and avoid contact with anyone flakey
and just do the basics
for the next 24 hours
This too shall pass for now...

I have an exam on Thursday
either way, my life will change
All this stuff
Is dealable with
inch by inch
I want to pass it

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
will not suit everyone
It does not have the monopoly on its subject
its authors just offer a solution that works for them
it helps me at times too

Its impossible to stay in a comfort zone
for long
when am in service mode
Are you willing to go to Anylengths... you said
yeh I am, sometimes do I feel though like am
verging on the riduculous :D


molly said...

Wow what a post. Thanks for sharing. Man can I ever relate to this you said - Fear...you wont like me when you know what I think!

The shame we feel sometimes - that's some tough stuff. Glad you have the book The Courage to Heal -a friend has it and said it really helped her. Bless you.

Determined1 said...

I got a lot from your post-thanks.

Gwen said...

But for the Grace of God. Thanks for your share.

Twelve Step work will always keep it real, keep it green, keep me grateful. Makes me realize my problems are not problems. Just life on lifes terms.

Happy Tuesday!


Syd said...

Thanks Johno. I needed to read what you wrote today of all days. I can't tackle all the problems today but they have been coming at me fast. Maybe it is a lunar event.

Trudging said...

Thanks Johno!

Christine said...

heard or read recently--"faith makes things possible not easy"

what a relief when my sponsor told me the things that happened to me as a child happened to me and was not my fault. But does one ever fully feel normal after such occurances as molestion/child abuse?
Guess I've stopped looking for normal. What was normal for me in our growing up househols---many others never experienced, but then again, many have sista