Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Cinch by the Inch

yestrday I had so many AA hours and extra seconds
Today I forgot I was doing Phone service tonight
so I "lost" and evening (self pity didnt last)
See i dont listen to this stuff nowadays
I knew it would all be ok
It judt wouldnt happen the way I thought
Thats all

I havent lost anything
I spoke with 3 other AA's within 2 hours
all embarking on a course
all getting out of their comfort zones
all "encouraging" each other
nothing but mutual admiration for
what we are trying to acheive
and amazement that it actually is possible

We had a quiet time
So I started a draft of my application
less to do tomorrow evening

Today I made some calls to two people
I would like to ask as referees
One said yes
the other I will speak with tomorrow

See life ie TODAY goes on
I do not project
I keep my head in the here and now
cos thats where my body is
All of me must be as One
Not disconnected
some in the past some in the present and some in next month
All here in the present NOW
There is no fear in the present
when I am doing the right things
If I have been coasting, or winging it
the present becomes a backpeddle
or a slippery slope
neither of which I like
So I just dont do it
I have learnt what I dont like
and what I do (on some things)
by trying and being aware

Yeh if I get on this course
Life will change
Not all of it
Sone weekly commitments
some monthly commitments
but you know it will be ok
my primary purpose will not be affected
no ONE meeting keeps me sober
I can change home group
I can change my telephone service
Change is ok
My primary purpose is not affected
I still get up and aim to be of maximum helpfulness
in all areas of my life
the day to day situations may just change a little
and change is good
things do need refreshing after a while
comfortable is not always good for growth
I have still alot more growing to do
and I welcome it
See none of this is a problem
It is all an adventure

Nothing needs to change
until I get the YES yor on the course
and even then I can change my mind

Do tomorrow tomorrow

I HATE writing personal statements
is just another way of saying
I an AFRAID of what they will think of me
cos I have nothing to offer... Untrue
I HATE tests
is just another way of saying
I am afraid of failure... self will run riot
I dont know what the test is
and I am assuming (i know better than god)
that i will not be able to do it... untrue
the truth is I have no idea whats gonna happen

I havent said I HATE for ages
its funny its come up
had to Step 10 it
I wondered why "I HATE" came out of my mouth
Its just cos am out of my comfort zone
SELF WILLED control freak out of control
letting go Letting God
Putting in the action, letting go of the outcome

AFRAID of failure and hurt PRIDE
and i automatically
revert in someway back
into that needy victim
child like
that needs some one to say
dont worry it will be ok ...
See Step 10's show me loads

I was once a needy victim
Now I am a strong woman with direction and purpose
gentle and open
Miracles happen in AA
and continue to happen
I love it
I love God


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Make an effort to sell yourself on the statement.
Its not dishonest to make the most of the good points preferably in a way that kindof glides past the weaker points. The main thing they are interested in is your STRENGTHS, so that is what you should be telling them about. I'm sure I'tll be fine. if you are stuck i'm sure you can find a ? neutral university type to give you some pointers. no harm in asking..
see they are a 'power greater than ourselves' in this regard so we should be quick to ask for their assistance..

johno said...

yeh its so much easier that I dont have to fight a low self esteem, i know my strengths now, its no longer hard to write them out... a freedom