Friday, January 14, 2011

Why is it good for me to change and be changed ?

Self awareness? 
Knowing flaws and assets?
Working on current areas of life
..... where i fall short. 
Seeing and enjoying Where i fly.
Being honest.
Seeing self in... in my opinion
undignified, uncovered, unjustified,
undenied, stripped bare. 
Whats comfortable, what isnt?
What am i putting up with?
What am i slothfully loafing on...
....getting away with? 
What progress have i made?
What has become effortless? 

Why is that good for me to sit and answer these questions?
Walk into things which challenge
And scare me.... Not dangerously
Just things that create inside work on me... Work in progress

The truth sets me free...

Step 1 is about accepting powerless over my dependency....
And unmanageability ....

Ask for honesty around my condition... Whatever that condition/dependency/progress
 is today.

Ask to accept things 
i cannot change today
Enjoy the things 
i dont need to change
Ask for courage 
to change things i can 
Ask for wisdom to know 
the difference

Ask for power to carry out Loving Higher Powers will in area most needing to be addressed

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, 
and not tackle all my problems at once. 
I can do something for twelve hours that would 
appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Know i will not be given anything today i cannot handle
Know that i will be given exactly what i need today

Fear is simply a part of growing out of who i am into the person i am becoming... Part of a process

Letting go of People, places, things, actions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, opinions ... That hold us capture us 
Yet feel uncomfortable

Takes courage and effort

Ask for help from proven guide
Do whats suggested
Give time time
Dont quit before the miracle

Each small victory creates
A feeling of Wholeness :-)

It'll make my head spin
It'll makes my heart leap

Trust Loving God/Higher Power/programme/Spirit of the Universe that is good

Spiritual High's rock !!

Then repeat 


If i had a formula to create
A certain spiritual high when i wanted,
i am sure someone would sell it and
i would buy it over and over and
become greedy and dependent
Then would it be spiritual?
Or something else?
By nature spiritual high is spirit led,
good feeling, driven by love,
not created by humans
or in human timings yet
when we are willing to align ourselves
with the spirit of the universe,
let the spiritual surgery take place...
amazing things happen :-)

Well thats my experience anyway :-)

Feel better for getting that out

Monday, January 03, 2011

what its like today

How you all doing today? Done anything interesting? I've been planning open mic, live performance since August... And never felt confident... Tnite i spent eve in a pub in Basildon... Open mic, which is good kareoke !!

Going in pub alone, didnt phase me, sat for a while, felt uncomfortable taking up a big table with just me... And as everyone borrowed chairs to add to their tables, i could see myself ending up at a big table alone with just my chair left with me on it and all other tables full... Are u Picturing it? So i went and stood at the bar. See this isnt a problem, cos my motive for goin was to check out open mic, and eventually sing?! (not hangnaround the bar)

By the way the slops trays still smell rank as do the beer towels :-) but suppose it was kindof nice being in a friendly atmosphere, no nutters, barmaid was friendly and encouraging, even suggested most people have a few drinka before they got up... I wondered just how many cokes and cups of tea i would need :-) after the guy doin the sounds, announced he is an agent and some of his acts kindly follow him around and start the evening off, i decided to just listen for abit. They were really good, i am wondering how they know the key, and it became apparant, he knows what key they sing in (cos theyre his acts) and they are experienced singers.

Yeh i was intimidated!! And too afraid to get up. They even tried out new songs, got them wrong, missed notes words, still sounded good tho. Pride won this eve... This eve! Was impressed i could order a cuppa tea at 9.30pm in pub :-) barmaid told me twice they do kareoke, all kinds!! On a wednesday, so come back wednesday.. Cant this week...

Interestingly to me at one point my coke tasted like vodka and coke... Yet it wasnt. I was surrounded by sights, smells and sounds of king alcohol, yet At no point did i find the stuff interesting. I left before last orders...!

In big book it says we will be placed in a position of neutrality (around alcohol) we will be neither cocky or afraid (around alcohol) this comes automatically p84/85

So it works....

I had to avoid drinking places, go to meetings directly mirroring my drinking times, not go down the booze aisles in supermarkets, avoid supermarkets, off licences, cornershops, and live on takeways for ages, because the damn stuff used to shout at me... Buy me buy me. Sitting in bars on my hands drinking coke slowly was not fun.

Steps work, loving higher power provides us with the grace... In otherwords we deserve another chance at doing it different... In AA we are cut the slack we need to have it all turned around. Good things come :-)

Having said all that, i am still not entirely sure what HP is preparing me for... He moved me to one of the most exhibitionist counties in the UK...

I am being given microphones, a voice and front of stage more frequently and with ease than i would have thought possible... Who knows whats in the plan.

this county is a place to walk round with your skirt tucked in yr pants and no one bats an eyelid. Come to think of it they Are that Short ya may not tell anyway!!

I am not being intolerent... i am loving living here, am by the sea, learning how to be as outspoken and Cat off eastenders... Coming out of my shell... And it hurts... And i dont always want to do whats in front of me, the right things... Responsible, like eating and changing my bed... Dusting... Turning up for work, the satisfactory none dramatic stuff (yawn) responsible :-) But i wouldnt want to miss what comin :-) its all part of recovery

Ps. Smooth and safe drivin this evening :-)

Cost me £2.80 for tea and a coke and experience...

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Dont quit before the miracle

Dont quit before the miracle. Go to a meeting, and then perhaps another one, and then maybe another one, better to sit in meetings and get some fellowship and listen, you will hear similarities and exactly what you need to do. Stick with th...e women and put your recovery 1st. There are alwasy guys and women who seem to be friendly with newcomers of the opposite sex, and perhaps they want to be. But cant leave it as unconditional friendship.. for whatever reason. Stick with the women and go to meetings. All the parties and celebrations come round again and again, once you are in good condition, you will be able to choose whether to party or not, have people round or not, allow alcohol in your house or not without being hijacked into it. Go to a meeting :)