what its like today

How you all doing today? Done anything interesting? I've been planning open mic, live performance since August... And never felt confident... Tnite i spent eve in a pub in Basildon... Open mic, which is good kareoke !!

Going in pub alone, didnt phase me, sat for a while, felt uncomfortable taking up a big table with just me... And as everyone borrowed chairs to add to their tables, i could see myself ending up at a big table alone with just my chair left with me on it and all other tables full... Are u Picturing it? So i went and stood at the bar. See this isnt a problem, cos my motive for goin was to check out open mic, and eventually sing?! (not hangnaround the bar)

By the way the slops trays still smell rank as do the beer towels :-) but suppose it was kindof nice being in a friendly atmosphere, no nutters, barmaid was friendly and encouraging, even suggested most people have a few drinka before they got up... I wondered just how many cokes and cups of tea i would need :-) after the guy doin the sounds, announced he is an agent and some of his acts kindly follow him around and start the evening off, i decided to just listen for abit. They were really good, i am wondering how they know the key, and it became apparant, he knows what key they sing in (cos theyre his acts) and they are experienced singers.

Yeh i was intimidated!! And too afraid to get up. They even tried out new songs, got them wrong, missed notes words, still sounded good tho. Pride won this eve... This eve! Was impressed i could order a cuppa tea at 9.30pm in pub :-) barmaid told me twice they do kareoke, all kinds!! On a wednesday, so come back wednesday.. Cant this week...

Interestingly to me at one point my coke tasted like vodka and coke... Yet it wasnt. I was surrounded by sights, smells and sounds of king alcohol, yet At no point did i find the stuff interesting. I left before last orders...!

In big book it says we will be placed in a position of neutrality (around alcohol) we will be neither cocky or afraid (around alcohol) this comes automatically p84/85 http://www.whytehouse.com/big_book_search/aspbook/ch6p85.asp?word=Cocky

So it works....

I had to avoid drinking places, go to meetings directly mirroring my drinking times, not go down the booze aisles in supermarkets, avoid supermarkets, off licences, cornershops, and live on takeways for ages, because the damn stuff used to shout at me... Buy me buy me. Sitting in bars on my hands drinking coke slowly was not fun.

Steps work, loving higher power provides us with the grace... In otherwords we deserve another chance at doing it different... In AA we are cut the slack we need to have it all turned around. Good things come :-)

Having said all that, i am still not entirely sure what HP is preparing me for... He moved me to one of the most exhibitionist counties in the UK...

I am being given microphones, a voice and front of stage more frequently and with ease than i would have thought possible... Who knows whats in the plan.

this county is a place to walk round with your skirt tucked in yr pants and no one bats an eyelid. Come to think of it they Are that Short ya may not tell anyway!!

I am not being intolerent... i am loving living here, am by the sea, learning how to be as outspoken and Cat off eastenders... Coming out of my shell... And it hurts... And i dont always want to do whats in front of me, the right things... Responsible, like eating and changing my bed... Dusting... Turning up for work, the satisfactory none dramatic stuff (yawn) responsible :-) But i wouldnt want to miss what comin :-) its all part of recovery

Ps. Smooth and safe drivin this evening :-)

Cost me £2.80 for tea and a coke and experience...