Thursday, November 29, 2007

whats occurring?

you know I have to not take myself very seriously
because I just see so much crazyness everywhere

I can analyse to the 'enth degree

really if you look at lots of "serious" things
they are absurd somewhere along the line

Yeh I have to not take life so damn seriously, grimly
although I so take responsibility where required

I am crazy
I am also very sane

I have a sense of humour
I also have can be serious

I can laugh
I can cry

I can show no emotion
I can show an emotion

Rule #62 is about not taking things so seriously

Life can be enjoyed
Life can be endured
or both as it seems to be at times

Its great to be predictable without trying
its great not to be predictable without trying

I try to understand that I dont understand people
and I accept at times you
too will not understand me, but I am powerless
as to whether you understand that you will not understand me

get it?

I am what I am
I am who I am

I am afraid
I have faith

Nothing is permanent here inside and out of me
nothing goes away forever
and nothing stays forever either

I could change that previous post
from blogging to thinking
from thinking to eating
from eating to breathing
breathing to afraid
afraid to happiness
happiness to the rain
the rain to the sun
sun to defects

not all the examples would work
but you get my gist

there are tonnes of things I am powerless over
I could analyse til the "cows come home"

I have been brain washed
My mind needed a cleanse
I have had a huge psychological shift
occur within and its still shifting
grade 100 on the rickter scale
I have been reborn
rather like some Jesus followers I know
Who see the light from jesus
and rejoice

There are many rooms in Gods mansion
like jesus talks about in (John 14)
a large section on G wing being
recovery rooms
Theres a huge operating theatre
for spiritual surgery
I has a massive spiritual awakening
during a 12 step operation
over a period of a few years

I have walked around a few other rooms
in the mansion, they all generally feel nice
and welcoming
most people are friendly and doing their thing

AA has no monopoly on sobriety, staying sober
(see forward to 2nd edition big book)
or the path to enlightenment
I am happy with that
AA is just a beginning
AA is a really good starting point
AA is a really good reference point

I am really glad to hear when people get sober
without AA, as its yet another drunk
who hasnt died from this stuff
Its also another avenue to suggest
when people find AA isnt actually working for them
as happens at times

I have just found what works for me
As yet, it works when I work it
it dont when I dont

I am not cured
most people I know over 10, 20 years sober
behave and think differently to me
in fact thinking about it
most people think and behave differently to me
I have given up trying to understand them
or expecting them to understand me

Do you have people around you who
behave and think exactly like you?
Do you really?

God is always around when I need him
and always delivers what I need

I am off to bed, I am very TIRED
good night
God bless

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I am powerless over Blogging - although my life is not completely unmanageable as the result

Have you ever decided to stop Blogging for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? yes

Do you wish people would mind their own business about your blogging-- stop telling you what to do? yes

Have you ever switched from one kind of blog to another in the hope that this would keep you from blogging so much? yes

Have you had to have a blog in the morning during the past year? yes

Do you envy people who can blog without getting into trouble? no
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.

Have you had problems connected with blogging during the past year? yes
Be honest!

Has your blogging caused trouble at home? no
(well yes, washing up still not done, late night on the blog)

Do you tell yourself you can stop blogging any time you want to, even though you keep blogging when you don't mean to? no I dont kid myself anymore

Have you missed days of work because of drinking? no

Do you have "blackouts"? no

Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not blog? at times

A.A. does not promise to solve your life's problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without booze "one day at a time." We stay away from that "first drink." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of booze, we found that life became much more manageable.

I tried to control my blogging, and don't enjoy it
Blogging has made me late for work
I haven't been to prison or hospital as a result of my blogging
I blog alone
I have tried to give up blogging and cant
I have tried to change my blog style
I've tried blogging
I've tried not blogging
I've tried only blogging on a tuesday,
I've tried blogging uptil 11pm
I've tried not blogging after midnight,
I've tried not reading other peoples blogs,
I've tried not commenting,
I've tried only commenting on 1 persons blog each visit
I've tried commenting on veryones blog I visit
I've tried just looking at how I score on top100soberblogs,
I've tried not checking my score on top100sober blogs...

All control, and unsustainable longer than a day!

now I just let it be, and blog when it comes and dont when it dont, long when its long, short when its short. I rarely save and edit, infact I dont, just write, re read and edit once and the hit publish...

I am now officialy unable to control my blogging,
I have daily blogged
I have topped up my posts and blogged more than once in a day
I seek out other bloggers like me
I stop for a while and then binge blog
I have tried complete abstainence.

It WAS the first post that did the damage!

Monday, November 26, 2007

My blog name is Johno and I am an alcoholic

I share my experience of

what it was like
when I was drinking, inside my head
and the consequences
destruction inside my head
and to the people around me

I share my strength

What happened
what brought me to AA
what I saw
what I saw happening to others
how I changed
what changed me
how it happened
what changes
inside my head
my physical self
and spiritually
how different I feel

I share my hope

What its like now
how I am
perfect in my imperfectness
flawed and accepting it
changing the things I can
accepting the things I cant
having wisdom to know the difference
(most of the time)
taking an honest look at my strength and weaknesses
and being prepared to put in the action
minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day
to become as true to gods will for me as I can

I am not perfect, almost...
Nearly saint like, but not quite...

With humour
With humility
Without humiliation

Sharing with another alcoholic
exactly what happens in my head
brings a smile in theirs
the smile brings relief to their heart
a peace in their mind
it brings a smile to my heart, I am useful
a peace in my heart and mind
relief of the aloneness ... me too
One alcoholic talking to another
sharing his experience, strength and hope
two hearts beating as one together
unity, recovery and service

You know I am a poet
and I haven't accepted it yet

And Ms Slug... if you are reading this
stay away from the salt!
Its the first grain that does the damage

Why do I do it?
So I dont lose it
I give it away to keep it

Have I lost it?
Nah, the opposite
I got to keep it another day

Here once again
Until the big guy upstairs
decides otherwise
and sends the lift down for me

Good night
God bless everyone and all the slugs
out there avoiding that 1st grain

Saturday, November 24, 2007

God makes anything possible

Today I went to prison to to a chair
my clearance had come through
but they hadnt got it on the list
nor the other guy who was with me
he was going to give up and go home
the prison "guard" got on the phone
and his guvner said we could go on G wing
as long as we got searched

One guy turned up at the meeting
he shared how he had no-one to share with
as many newcomers said they would turn up
and didnt, they said they wanted help
and so he was really glad we came
cos he needed to hear and share with
us about recovery, he gets lonely and disheartened
when he has no-one to help him
he does all the helping
he loves that he has AA and prayers and God

See God meant us to stick around and not go home
until the prison officer told us too
Even if your clearance hasnt reached the main desk
God makes things possible!

I really wanted to go home after
But had a meeting with the chair of intergroup
how can I have a resentment? well I have
turned up anyway
beautiful flat on the Thames
silent and peaceful, he cooked
we talked and got some business done

Now I must study

God help me please

I stepped down into "hell" last night....

On the subject of fear...
I have been noticing how fear
really weaves an evil and corroding thread
through every area of my life
most of my prayers are around the removal of fear
and self will... some lust... self seeking and dishonesty

but the fear.. is NOT to do with alcohol
its personal relations
its about communicating with another human being

A works Christmas Party
need I say more!?

Well I will anyway
I haven't been out with my new colleagues
since I started, a year or so ago
so its time to go do it... would be rude not too!
I have no reason not to, no legitimate one anyway
avoidance is not a legitimate reason anymore p101-102

Was all ok really no pressure
no-one rugby tackled me to the floor and poured vodka down my neck
no-one said "go on just have one"
After being asked 8 times...
dont you drink?
have you ever drunk?
yeh I stopped a few years ago
why dont you drink?
I got fed up of the consequences
and regretting what happened the night before
and not being able to not do those things
when I went out drinking the next time

what like waking up in bed with people you dont know?
yeh something like that
yeh I know that one
how long have you stopped drinking?
just over 4 years
dont you miss it?
no not now
was it easy?
not the first year or so no
I had to completely change my thinking and attitudes
around going out, cos everything centred around drinking

mmm maybe I should stop
i dunno about that, I just knew I had had enough
how did you get the will power? I havent got it
neither have I, I had to get help from other people
who didnt drink

i have this problem with dope, i cant stop it....

at about 8pm yes only 8pm.... there was one very drunk person
very argumentative, and loveable at the same time

at 9pm... we went down stairs to "hell on earth"
Going down the ssairs gets a good idea of the layout
get down the stairs and i realise I have no idea
whats in front of me
just people...a moving mass of people
thats all I could see was people and ceiling
was going to be VERY easy get lost from my party

I decided to let go have to get rid of coat and stuff
and trust was all gonna be ok
The "loveable drunk" stuck around
I sent him on a mission to find the crowd
while I queued
he came back, having NOT found them
so I sent him again... you will find them
trust me
he did, and he found them....
when I followed him to them
I have NO idea how he found them
there was yet another room full of people and ceiling
I hadn't seen a bar or the walls since I left the stairs

I hadnt got a drink so it was time to head off... with compass?
wheres the frickin bar?
its all along that wall... wall? all I could see in front of me was people
yeh walk straight ahead and you will get to the bar
...... i found the bar
turned round and ....just people again everywhere... no gaps
walk straight back again... through this mass of writhing humans
what the 'uck is this?
I have absolutely no idea what to do here
dancing was not what was going on
it was just a mass of people
I cant imagine how it would be if there was smoking!

It was "hell on earth for me"
they had described it as the place where
everyone goes AFTER theyve been out on the lash
they end up here til whatever time
so p'ssed up they dont realise how cr@p it is

I just couldnt imagine
doing this week in week out
after work
I wondered how come I hadnt experienced this before
its because I couldnt walk by the time
it got to the "on to a club" stage of the evening
Well thats a lie, I did once
got down the stairs to a club
ordered a drink.. knowing I couldnt drink anymore
without being sick, ordered the drink
wanted to be sick and went out
absolutely know idea where I was and just started walking
to this day, I still have no idea which club I was in
it was somewhere around Covent Garden
Too drunk too early to go to clubs

Some said when was I leaving?
I said after finished two bottles of water
some said yeh we'll come too
I left around 10.30
no-one followed...

I walked to the underground and decided to walk
over London Bridge
stopping to look at the lights of Tower Bridge
and the Big Ships along the Thames

I feel lucky to have this opportunity
Gratitude came over me
some people NEVER will experience London
or the lights and the sights
Its a beautiful city
Old stone buildings and history

I got to know a few of my colleagues
and they got to know me a little too

I am glad I went
See if I had listened to Fear
I wouldnt have moved forward
in these relationships
I would have stopped as I was
and regretted it

I actually had a good time
F'ckin 'ell

Thursday, November 22, 2007

What is your purpose? What drives you?

Written by Paulo Coehlo "Warrior of Light" Issue No 160

On the banks of the river Adour

“When I take off my glasses I can still see the path. I can’t see the details, but I can see the path,” says my wife, with her + 6.5 degrees of myopia, while we walk through a field of corn during our European holidays.

I tell her that the same happens to me: although I am not short-sighted, sometimes I can’t see the details, but I always try to keep my eyes fixed on my choices.

We end up at a river in the middle of nowhere, near the village of Arcizac-Adour. And all of a sudden I remember that I made a promise that I have not yet fulfilled. Three years ago we were both sitting on the banks of this very same river when we spotted a beautiful woman wearing waterproof boots up to the knees, walking on the river-bed with a sack on her shoulders. When she saw us, she came over and said:

“I know Jacqueline (a friend of ours). I asked her to introduce us and she answered: “You’ll meet them when you least expect it. My name is Isabelle Labaune.”

She explained that she was there cleaning the river of odd bits of rubbish (plastic bottles and beer cans carried down by the current), but that her true passion were horses. That afternoon we went to visit her stables.

Isabelle had a dozen or so animals, and did everything absolutely alone – she fed them, kept the place in order, cleaned the stables and fixed the tiles – indeed, all the work that would drive anyone crazy.

“I set up an association for people born with mental problems. I am absolutely certain that horse-riding makes them feel loved and integrated with society.”

Whenever I spent holidays in the region, I met Isabelle. Minibuses arrived bringing young people suffering from the Down Syndrome to ride the beautiful horses and stroll by the rivers and through the forests and parks. There was never an accident. The parents looked on with tears in their eyes, and Isabelle wore a smile on her lips. She was deeply proud of what she did: she woke at five in the morning, worked the whole day long, and went to bed early, exhausted.

She was a very attractive young woman. But she did not have a boyfriend:

“All the men who appear in my life want me to be a housewife. But I have a dream. I suffer when I am alone, but I would suffer a lot more if I abandoned the purpose of my life.”

The situation changed right at the beginning of 2006. One afternoon when I went to visit her, she told me she was in love. And that her boyfriend accepted her rhythm of life and was willing to help her in whatever way he could.

Some days later on I traveled to Brazil. I think that it was October when I received a message from her on the answering service of my mobile phone: she would like to see me - but I was far away and I paid no importance to the message, because nothing urgent ever happens in small towns in the interior.

When I returned to the Pyrenees in December, I went to have lunch with Jacqueline. That is when I found out that Isabelle had died of a fulminating cancer.

That night I lit a fire in my garden. I remained all alone looking at the flames and thinking about a woman who had done nothing but good in her life and whom God had taken away so early. I did not weep, but I felt a deep love in the air, as if she were present all around me. The next day I received a call from her boyfriend, who asked me to write something on her: she was gone, and nobody had ever known her work.

I promised to do so. But only today, when we were passing by the river and sat down in the same place, did I remember that I had made that promise, and now I am fulfilling it. Of the many people I have known in my life, one of the closest to saintliness was Isabelle Labaune.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Fear is not a problem today

FEAR. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn´t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble........keep reading and pray .... "ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be" At once, we COMMENCE to outgrow fear. P67,P68

Fear steals my progress, its blocks it everytime. You either FACE everything and recover... ie make progress


F%CK everything and run (or hide under the table) like old ideas/old ways/old beliefs

Its about making the right choice once you are aware of what it is.

God grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can. IE I WILL recognise what a load of rubbish, unkind unfriendly unhelpful defect it is to my progress, happiness, serenity, ambition and stop listening and being ruled by it.

OR I will continue running on self will doing it my own old way, which has ? got me this far, but no further in x years and I have no evidence that I can do it any different my way.

FEAR it wants you to stop exactly where you are and make no progress and have no fun! its true.

recognise it, learn how cunning it is and learn how to walk through it or peel it off when its got you round the neck... yet again!

Well thats what I did anyway! and it seems to be working

I regularly have to mantra like "Please remove my fear and direct my thoughts to what you will have me be" over and over

post inspired by another blogger...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Micky 8.48am - 10.39am thats very long time

Dear Micky

Thats a long while; 2hours
Spent posting on my blog this morning
I am not sure what point you making though?

It appears to be simply an attempt to show me
how imperfect and flawed AA's actually are
this I already know
The program never promised that we would become saints
and how the 12 steps are not alot of use
this I disagree with, as my own progress
is enough evidence to me that the 12 steps
AA and all the rest of the tools
have enabled me to be VERY satisfied with
who I am today

You obviously see something I am missing here
Please keep it simple and show me
in a way no-one except AA and AA's have been able to

I truly believe I have found what I am looking for
and it gets better and better the more I practise it

However I have to remain open TO IMPROVE my conscious contact
and My loving God speaks to me through people
God please make Micky a channel for your peace
Please give him YOUR words to pass on to me
that you want me to hear
I know your tone God in the last 4 years
and so far what I hear in Micky's comment
are not your usual tone
God is it really you?
Cunning baffling powerful Johno

Micky find it very hard to believe
Your intention is anything less than Good?
But you completely turn me off
by your sarcastic tone
I do not find your style of commenting
helpful to me

I have to say a VERY small percentage
of your posts interesting
specifically the ones where you change song lyrics

sound of silence
and unchained melody


Mostly Micky your tone really puts me off
the love and light that I come have come to feel
from us Children of God and from God Himself
does not come across to me from yourself
this saddens me, I am powerless, I accept this

I do find certain passages in the bible helpful
and Jesus WAS a completely cool guy
and someone who really learnt the art of
self restraint, tolerance and love for the fellow man
inspite of great difficulties and at times
dreadful acts of violence, insults and disgusting
inhumane stuff inflicted upon him
he always seem to try and do the right thing
a gentle man

Its a shame we arent in the year 0-30 AD now
I am sure if he were here
he would read ALL your comments on my and others blog
and spend time with you Micky
assisting in channelling your enthusianm
on an ongoing basis
he would have been a great spiritual director
I think

I am sorry I do not have time to read
all your comments today
But thanks for stopping by today

Micky I am interested
what your favourite passage in the bible?
share a prayer with me

In Love and fellowship

God bless us


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Pay Attention, ask for help, and do what suggested... that includes at Uni

theres is always about 30 SUGGESTED reading books/journals/reviews attached to each weeks lecture/tutorial. I tried to do load of reading, its impossible, the week flies and there is only so much new info a brain can take in and process at any one time even yours! I know for me that even if I stopped work, and read loads, I would probably only take in as much as I am now... but it would give me more panicking time.. thats just me. I have to give myself time to process whats been read and lectured to me.

Also some of the reading I CANT FIND, some have fonts, layouts that are NOT easy on my eyes, too small or just not laid out in a way that I can take in. So i trawl through a few until I find what I need, usually I cant, I get frustrated and then end up with the one text book I bought at the beginning and find exactly what I am looking for!! oh yeh and expanding on the lecture notes. We also have an interactive CD which helps, with questions and explanation and stuff on it. Wikipedia is great too. Too many sources is complicated.

Keep it simple

As for the reading lists, I asked our lecturer what to read inbetween, as I couldnt get to grips with where it was all going. He said not to read, he said he gives me the key points in the lectures and I should expand on what he had lectures..if I want to, hence I have bought a DVR, thanks for the tip IFOBW. I do take extensive notes in lectures, I seem to be able to unlike some, Am grateful for that. When I read them back, it all starts to make sense.

I have an oral exam on tues and by not reading anything this weekend, things have become a little clearer. I have been trying to hard and barking up a wrong tree abit. I have to be prepared to look at things from an entirely different angle. Sometimes doing less I get more out. And sometimes by doing more I get less out.

AA stuff is good for my self esteem, Unity, Service and so it follows recovery too. Just become secretary at intergroup, is something I can do, admin is a skill God has given me, I find it easy. Being secretary makes sense, its useful to the group and good for my self esteem.

I am not hot on sponsoring, its essential I agree, I have sponsees, but again I have to let go and leave their recovery to them, I am there if they call, if not I am getting on with my own stuff. Letting Go. My recovery is NOT dependent on any individual or bunch of individuals, its dependent on GOD.

My sponsor/s were my guides trough the steps, listening and following suggestions, paying attention and NOT doing it my way, got me through. Inch by Inch, day by day, week by week, keeping on with whats suggested at each step.

My lecturer is my guide through the course, he guides me through to the next week with what I need to do, when I pay attention he gives tips on what to be looking at next. NOT doing what I find interesting or looking ahead is the easier softer way. Keeping on week by week is Good orderly direction.

Mostly, dont panic, it is all exactly the way its supposed to be at the moment.

Crashing sometimes and letting go of self will that says well it was like this last week, and if I let go of a few things then surely it makes sense that it should be easier, cos my intentions are good!! NO its not the case, self will run riot, read step 3

Keep turning up, even if you havent done anything or you think its not enough.

I did a mock oral, last week, yeh no-one else would, not too bad, didnt project my voice enough, didnt speak to the audience enough, and he wouldnt have used one of the examples I used, as it wasnt right. but you know thats great feedback, I got mark 55 for standing up in complete fear and not really understanding what I was talking about infront of a load of people I hardly know and a lecturer who can be quite cutting towards some individiuals 55, that ONLY 6 away from excellent. Service, standing up and being prepared to make Tw*t of myself. I gave it my lousy best and you say.

Let Go Let God

Right I have to go now, as I am verging on taking advantage of doing nothing and I wont do anything. Must attempt reading a case again.

Good luck next week

Lots a Love

Johno... a newcomer student, week 6 semester 1 year 1
Flying without wings
And Lovin' it

ps. I am not in control here, someone called well and truly needing help, I went to a meeting and helped a newcomer. My unhealthy years wrestling with a pig (fear) around someone I used to live with inside and outside my own head...has now turned to Gold. The Alchemist strikes again!

I am not running the show here!

now please let me study!

Oh yeh and on essays, pick 3 different sources and use quotes, just 3 max from reading list, and use lectures and course text book. I have a tendency to try and invent the wheel, Johno theres no need :)

Step Three P60 -P63

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our actor is self-centered-ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia

if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn´t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

P60-P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Gratitude..... I have to find some everyday - today with the help of tradition four

Seriously I can be very serious
#Rule 62 Dont take yourself too damn seriously
Have a read of - Tradition 4
from the 12 steps and 12 traditions

I am grateful for....
turning up for lectures
doing the homework
getting excellent marks on another asignment
being on a degree
turning up for work
working when I get there
Being useful
turning up for intergroup
being useful
turning up to homegroup
being useful
turning up at the gym
noticing the difference
turning up for yoga
noticing the difference
turning up at region meeting
being willing
getting honest
admitting to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs
listening to her take on it
grateful for her take on it
grateful to see when am being to hard on myself
finding out I was Thinking too much as usual
for being busy
exerting myself go to a meeting
exerting myself share
exerting myself to do some washing up
exerting myself to eat
exerting myself to hoover up
exerting myself to clean the bathroom
exerting myself to get over my pride and call my sponsor
exerting myself to pray
exerting myself to blog
exerting myself to reply to my cousins email
exerting myself to attempt some homework
accepting that its not gonna happen today
accepting everything is exactly how its meant to be
picking up guitar... and learning to play Wonderwall

you saved me
your my wonderwall
grateful for being sober
turning towards AA and meeetings
finally getting over my pride
finally getting over sefl wil
finally stopping listening to my head that tells me I havent got time
grateful for a lovely meeting!
grateful for a warm clean flat
and a warm clean body
for being willing to go to anylengths
even when it means accepting its not gonna happen
grateful you gave me the concept of
ANYLENGTHS its imperative for this alky
thank you

Sunday, November 04, 2007

How it is today ?

I am ready to find a 2nd home group
I need a 2nd one
I have been putting one particular one out of my mind
a) because I need to study
b) because my sponsor goes
c) because someone I like is free on that day
I have to be willing to let go absolutely in everything
a) I am unable to study on this evening (too tired)
b) its a good meeting, carries the message and offers
fellowship, its not suprising my sponsor goes there.
does that mean I cant too? perhaps I need to find a meeting
and try and carry the message there?
no why do I have to reinvent the wheel? I do not have to crusade
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.P77
this could be turning up to an already good meeting
and carrying my expreience strength and hope
in unity, same message, different messenger
I am there for the same reason she is
to carry the message to the alcoholic who still stuffers
c) Let it Go, its funny how I can put a halt on everything JUSTINCASE
someone I like is free on this day... First things First,
my spiritual fitness must come first
When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physicallyp64

I dont feel in the middle of the AA bed
When am not in the middle of the AA bed
I feel disconnected
Got one foot hanging out
the simplest things become mountains

I went to AA region meeting today in GSR role
I felt part of
I found out about more service at Intergroup and region level
and its interesting to me
and its what longer time sober people who have what I want seem to do
(get off there ass's and get involved, take an active interest
in this thing thats saved their lives)

Sponsees are one thing I must do
I also need to maintain my own peace of mind
by doing what feels comfortable to me aswell
Sponsoring is essential to my recovery
nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.P90
I dont enjoy it, infact at the moment
i find it painful watching self will running riot in others
knowing there isnt a damn thing I can do about it
i too am self willed and want to fix it or make it go away
Just for today
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
Sponsoring is one of them (at the moment)
standing by passing it on and letting go

Intergroup and Region is optional
and I find things in there that interest me
and I can volunteer for if i want to
no-one will tell me mmm well you wont stay sober
if you dont do region work! or your not working your programme
if you dont do region level...

So for me its important that I am fitting with our 3 legacies
Am in a changing period in the SERVICE part of our triangle
For my own RECOVERY I need another home group to commit to
For the UNITY I can choose how to carry the message
as long as I carry it with you in line with AA guidelines
It is up to me if I choose to get involved in the links outside of group level
to help carry the message of recovery to the still suffering
who hasnt made it in AA yet
BUT and its a big BUT! I give freely
(thats without resentment or arrogance or self pity)
or dont do it atall!

Oh well thats just how it is today
In a period of change
Change is essential
Change is happening all the time
I either embrace it or fight it
either way I cant stop it!

okay, thats enough of seeing whats going on inside my head today
Nothing am worried about
just using my blog today to process some things
get honest and see what it looks like in the
warm light off the page

Catch you later I need to eat and head off down the gym!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Came to believe... Step 2

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. P59

Step 2 doesnt mention the word God. and it says "could" not definitely will, so i wasnt asking for any promises at step 2 and I wasnt being given any either. ALSO I wasnt making any deals to do all the rest of the steps, that was too much for me to take on. No-one asked me to do the rest of the program, I was just suggested to do step 2 while I was on step 2. keep it simple. I was just doing step 2 and not thinking about the rest of the steps (step9 scared the hell out of me when i thought about it back then)

That helped me. I trusted what I saw in the rooms, evidence, and trusted the Loving God it talks about in Tradition 2. The one which helps our amazing loving fellowship hang together, Good Orderly Direction and bring about all this "Good stuff", complete transformations, lifting people out of their misery" it must be something extraordinarily Powerful? and on the right side of Love..

The people who did the steps and continued to maintain and improve and carry the message had been where I have been (and worse) and had what I wanted.

I looked around the fellowship and listened to what it was like and where they are now and heard people much farther down the scale (in all their difficulties and problems) get well and be happy and useful, and people less sick (in my opinion) than me (in all their difficulties and problems) and they got well, happy and whole...

There were people who had craved and physically stuffed by alcohol much more than I, and they got well

There were people far more mental than me (in my opinion) and they got well

There were people who appeared to have been as spiritually as dead as I was, and they got well.

It came to me one night, who are you to say it might not work for you too?

That was when I came to believe a Power greater than myself could or "justmaybe" restore me to sanity... give me what its given them... if i did these things (the rest of the steps) too

Humility... teachable... willing...openminded

All I needed was an open mind and willingness, to be openminded about how powerful these steps actually, and if I was honest, I couldnt deny what I saw and heard in AA.

It is safe to trust the evidence in the room, AA has an amazingly loving spirit running through it, all who thoroughly follow the path get this thing, its a given

I love this thing :)

Tradition Two
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

thanks Molly for inspiring my post