Saturday, November 24, 2007

I stepped down into "hell" last night....

On the subject of fear...
I have been noticing how fear
really weaves an evil and corroding thread
through every area of my life
most of my prayers are around the removal of fear
and self will... some lust... self seeking and dishonesty

but the fear.. is NOT to do with alcohol
its personal relations
its about communicating with another human being

A works Christmas Party
need I say more!?

Well I will anyway
I haven't been out with my new colleagues
since I started, a year or so ago
so its time to go do it... would be rude not too!
I have no reason not to, no legitimate one anyway
avoidance is not a legitimate reason anymore p101-102

Was all ok really no pressure
no-one rugby tackled me to the floor and poured vodka down my neck
no-one said "go on just have one"
After being asked 8 times...
dont you drink?
have you ever drunk?
yeh I stopped a few years ago
why dont you drink?
I got fed up of the consequences
and regretting what happened the night before
and not being able to not do those things
when I went out drinking the next time

what like waking up in bed with people you dont know?
yeh something like that
yeh I know that one
how long have you stopped drinking?
just over 4 years
dont you miss it?
no not now
was it easy?
not the first year or so no
I had to completely change my thinking and attitudes
around going out, cos everything centred around drinking

mmm maybe I should stop
i dunno about that, I just knew I had had enough
how did you get the will power? I havent got it
neither have I, I had to get help from other people
who didnt drink

i have this problem with dope, i cant stop it....

at about 8pm yes only 8pm.... there was one very drunk person
very argumentative, and loveable at the same time

at 9pm... we went down stairs to "hell on earth"
Going down the ssairs gets a good idea of the layout
get down the stairs and i realise I have no idea
whats in front of me
just people...a moving mass of people
thats all I could see was people and ceiling
was going to be VERY easy get lost from my party

I decided to let go have to get rid of coat and stuff
and trust was all gonna be ok
The "loveable drunk" stuck around
I sent him on a mission to find the crowd
while I queued
he came back, having NOT found them
so I sent him again... you will find them
trust me
he did, and he found them....
when I followed him to them
I have NO idea how he found them
there was yet another room full of people and ceiling
I hadn't seen a bar or the walls since I left the stairs

I hadnt got a drink so it was time to head off... with compass?
wheres the frickin bar?
its all along that wall... wall? all I could see in front of me was people
yeh walk straight ahead and you will get to the bar
...... i found the bar
turned round and ....just people again everywhere... no gaps
walk straight back again... through this mass of writhing humans
what the 'uck is this?
I have absolutely no idea what to do here
dancing was not what was going on
it was just a mass of people
I cant imagine how it would be if there was smoking!

It was "hell on earth for me"
they had described it as the place where
everyone goes AFTER theyve been out on the lash
they end up here til whatever time
so p'ssed up they dont realise how cr@p it is

I just couldnt imagine
doing this week in week out
after work
I wondered how come I hadnt experienced this before
its because I couldnt walk by the time
it got to the "on to a club" stage of the evening
Well thats a lie, I did once
got down the stairs to a club
ordered a drink.. knowing I couldnt drink anymore
without being sick, ordered the drink
wanted to be sick and went out
absolutely know idea where I was and just started walking
to this day, I still have no idea which club I was in
it was somewhere around Covent Garden
Too drunk too early to go to clubs

Some said when was I leaving?
I said after finished two bottles of water
some said yeh we'll come too
I left around 10.30
no-one followed...

I walked to the underground and decided to walk
over London Bridge
stopping to look at the lights of Tower Bridge
and the Big Ships along the Thames

I feel lucky to have this opportunity
Gratitude came over me
some people NEVER will experience London
or the lights and the sights
Its a beautiful city
Old stone buildings and history

I got to know a few of my colleagues
and they got to know me a little too

I am glad I went
See if I had listened to Fear
I wouldnt have moved forward
in these relationships
I would have stopped as I was
and regretted it

I actually had a good time
F'ckin 'ell

1 comment:

Christine said...

so, GOd gave you a good time in spite of yourself, huh?