Thursday, December 27, 2007

Defective, Flawed, Imperfect, Faulty, Sinner

all describe me
I am not a saint
never will be... in my living years

ALL humans are imperfect
we are what we are
I yam what I yam

We claim spiritual progress rather than
spiritual perfection

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Another year over

another good year
infact its been one of the best

am away now to here
until Tuesday and then
back to the UK
so if i dont get on line
I will do some reflecting
on whats been happening this year

Have an excellent new years eve
however yoy spend it

Its really been great
getting back on the blog this year

You guys
inspire, encourage
love and tolerate

friends are wonderful

keep on, you are amazing!!

love ya's

...til we meet again

johno xx

Powerless over alcohol
But no longer sick!

Happy new year

Christmas - creation of life - awakening

Twas the night before Christmas
We went out for some "traditional Christmas" Sushi
Twice now I have given it a go
It just doesnt grab me
so am giving up on the sushi
Was well imppressed though when the
vegetarian stuff came round
and then the puddings...

Morning has broken

we have NO speakers
so I am trusting You Tube
is giving us Cat Stevens
and one of his finest

My Gift to You
enjoy your eating, coffee, essays, slobbing out
or whatever you do
have relax, have fun and do it safely

ps have you ever tried having one just ONE After Eight Mint?

Monday, December 24, 2007

Attitude of Gratitude

Theres something about plugging in
whether it be 12 bloggers
11 people on a meeting
10th steps... no am not going to go on
It brings out an change of attitude

reading the big book especially
brings out my gratitude

I am gratful for
praying in the car
praying in the bank
praying outside
praying like my life depends on it
cos it does
praying cos its helpful FULLSTOP
being willing
step 10's that show me the TRUTH
letting god steer
the suns shining
washings done
the pools clear
having a pool
we ARE lucky
yellow birds
alcohol free fruit mince pies
kids are happy and healthy
brothers relaxed
I am sober
Enough food to fill the fridge
we ARE lucky
finding some barbie pink and fluffy crackers
we ARE lucky
filling up my ipod
the sun
going on holiday on wednesday
being loved
making an attempt at letting go
and trusting God has a plan
and its not my business
to twiddle and look to closely
or question to hard

I just got to get outer bed
shower and have breakfast
turn up each day and see what happens

As for alcohol
there is no cure
only a daily reprieve
hang around if you like
just for today
I choose not to

Have a fun and safe next couple of days

Resentment is the number one offender.
It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64

Love ya's Johno

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Self will or Gods will - together or apart

the last post I wrote for me
to remind me
I do not drink safely atall

the more I head out of the rooms
and behave ? normal
the more family/friends drink in their normal way
ie the champagne has been out since
11am along with beer and wine last few days
and whisky and other stuff
swimming in the pool and then
a trip down the shop,,, in the car
for food supplies
this is normal holiday routines

no they dont want me to drive
so much to let go of
yeh I want him to just be himself
I feel good that they drink what they want
when they want...
without thinking about me

I got jealous this weekend
thats all
Alcohol got interesting

BUT they talk sh*t when they are drunk
two nights running hear the same things
I cant do this, well I can
but it bores the hell out of me
sex, women, gossip and gadgets

am jealous! of that... see what defects
Listening to my head, gets me
full of self pity
its dishonest too
The weathers great
tans coming on fine
absolutely should be relaxing
am me am obsessing about what I am missing out on
and how I want to read for my xam in january
andwhy I cant pick up emails.... well one in particular
its all about me and my self seeking

Pride... what will people this of me if I drink?
Fear yeh I see how cunning and baffling and powerful
this stuff is

yet I have a choice ALWAYS A CHOICE
i can NOT take part in social and festivities
Or I can stay honest
pray for a sober day
I dont want to get drunk
I just want to fit in
drink champagne celebrate with my brother
not drink heineken and f*rt

tomorrow I pray
for a sober day
for God to show me how I may be of service
for his words not mine
and show me how I may be of maximum helpfulness
and a smile
and acceptance is the answer....

merry chrsutams
self swill run riot

My name is johno and I am an alcoholic

It is the first drink - not the sixth or tenth that does the damage

Dont pick up the first drink
and you won't get drunk

Don't listen to your head
when it says you can

Don't listen to your head
You can't

Walk away
Go do something useful

Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink
It could save someone's life
and it may just be yours!

Pray for a sober day
and be vigilant
Its cunning baffling and powerful


Friday, December 14, 2007

How did I used to do it?

I stayed up all Thursday night
to meet an assignment deadline

at 4am I get an email from a fellow
Mature student... "are you still up aswell??"
ha ha, theres like lots of us all over the place
banging away at the keyboard
6am ish IFOBW emails me an 'erbal remedy for studying.. thanks
is everyone up at this time normally?
at 8am I get on the bus
feeling... drunk!?
on the phone to another student
also at yelling point... hysteria
not terrifying hysteria
just hysterical laughing about the insanity
of all this studying all hours!
I forgot what sleep deprivation does :D
am I too old for this ?

Nah man, the joys of being a 1st year student
more interesting doing it age 40 though
all good intentions to get this thing done
by wed/thurs and here we are
up all night and doing it at work
all the next morning...
Handed it all in... thats one gone
way hay!!

I dont want to do this again
but who knows... whats in store :)

Enjoying every minute of it
now am not a victim
justa taking it a day at a time
and packing it all
just got to find a bit more room for

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Meet Rachael - go say hello

remember Rachael
who was knocked off her bike
she's really recovering

Her Dad and friend set up a blog

Rachaels Blog

all comments are moderated

pop by and say hello

Happy Friday

Johnny Cash

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I love/hate Christmas ? Just another old idea I hang onto? - Think Think Think. I can change my attitude to this Christmas

Christmas does not at 1st thought
conjur up a lovely scene for me
forced family times
receiving presents for acts of a sexual nature
lies decieipt
hiding, uncomfortableness

just wanting to be drunk
not feeling
blotting out the falseness of it all
buying presents for the sake of it
must i keep doing this with these people?

with my choice
was lovely yes
still uncomfortable

same choice
ex's on the scene
wondering if the police would need to be called
kids crying
will it ever be simple and angst less?

different again
and over
AA meeting on Christmas day
vigilant around alcohol
started to pray
sponsor missing AWOL

ill projectile vomitting
christmas in bed
family lovely
kids upset
Sponsor helpful

Home alone
Helping in homeless shelter
Sad to talk with family
Acceptance, this is what I wanted
AA meeting on xmas day
Gratitude for what I have
which is alot more than some
grateful for my fridge
central heating and clean warm bed

Home alone
helping in homeless shelter
home alone
one present to open on christmas day
no phone calls to me
With Acceptance, that I must be careful what I pray for
I had got exactly what I had wanted
we think had been the root of our troubles....

I dream of Kids and santa sacks and
faces lit up with the wonder the Santa has been
I reminisce to myself
of getting to bed early
and keeping my eyes shut even when I thought I heard rustling
as "Santa" would leave my sack at the bottom of the bed
Asking my Dad when he would take the gas fire off the wall
so Santa could get down the chimney
making sure the mince pie was on the table
before I went to bed
It was NEVER there in the morning
yeh I have this memory
and I hold onto it
uncomplicated, simple, special
no strings
A reality memory which will never be taken away

This year
I will go with an attitude of giving
to be of maximum helpfulness
Brother is in relationship difficulties
Brother is working his socks off
he tells me he wont be much fun
Neices will be excited about Christmas
Santa is real for one of them!
preparing sacks
watching the wonder and the magic
playing games in the floor
I am very excited to be going
I cant wait until Sunday
to give my brother and neices
a big cuddle
he is missing having family around
he is missing his mummy
and he wants and needs his big sister
i'm coming
no fixing
just being present
of maximum helpfulness
needs and wants
volunteer not a victim

First things first
I love my brother
more and more
and we are getting closer and closer
especially since mum died
its lovely
and it makes my heart glow
AA you did good things on me
and its rubbing off on him

I honestly say there is NO-ONE
or NO-WHERE I would rather be
this Christmas than with him

This year there are no
defects driving my motives
for being in that place
its pure unconditional LOVE
and a willingness to go to any length

defects will fly over with me
they are in me
I have step 10's
I have prayer
i have willingness
I have restrain of tongue and pen
I have love and tolerence
and a willingness to practice them
I have an attitude of service
I try and let LOVE drive me these days

"God show me what you need me to do today
and give me the willingness and the power
to carry it out"
"God show me Your will"
"God show me what it is you want me to do"
and then do it

gratitude in action for being sober
and all the gifts its brought me
and I have been able to pass on
one day at a time

Christmas comes round every year
I am powerless over whether it comes or not
I cannot change it
But I can change myself
and my attitude
each year
I am willing to give it another go
change the things I can
is that insanity?
I don't think so
I do not really want to debate it
I just do it

I have had some lovely Christmas's
and some really dreadful ones
and some littered with joyeous and dreadful
and some less extreme
it brings out all sorts in everyone
EVERYONE no one is immune from
some kind of Christmas feeling
whatever that feeling is
its personal to you and it may change
by the hour by the day by the week
and possibly will go sometime in January

I must try and stop looking for perfection
Accept Christmas is abit of a pig
and stop wrestling with it

Enough for now

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

More about study

a couple of revision sessions
and its becoming clear
its clear why they say
keep turning up
to EVERY lecture
if you miss one
it could be the one where
I get the key I'm looking for
We'll see

Someting happened last night
and I got a mark overturned
I wasn't wrong
the marking guide did not fit my answer
or was it my answer did not fit the marking guide
well the question was ambiguous
and my answer was clear
so I got a minimum pass changed to a perfect
frickin'ell see anythings possible
if i'm honest and tell the truth

I haven't slept for nearly 7 weeks
and I am thinking about this
stuff all the time
except when i am thinking about
my current interest
which to be honest is a very
easy distraction
and its not like it used to be
all consuming and leading to unmanageable
or resentment
just seeing it for what it is
which isn't a friendship at the moment
very clear boundaries

One more to go COME ON!
I gave in last night and went to bed
even though I couldnt sleep or read anything
was resting
got up and did an hour before work
and I hate to say it
but I had a clearer mind at 6.30 this morning
than at 10 in the evening
God you telling me something I don't want to hear!

Existing v Living [2003]

what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while

at weekends
lying under the duvet
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps

So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not

personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
teeth cleaned when?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?

envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?

what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my

I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance

heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Rachael's improving

Great news! Well done! Good work all round!

So am I !!
Studying again
its starting to make sense
after a couple of hours on the phone

Its weird, my phone kept defaulting to a lecture
and I wanted to hear another...
the default was actually the one I needed to hear
there are no coincidences

More optimistic
new phones excellent
playing my guitar helps when the head says no
as does an hour on the phone with another student
do you think its this? no its this isnt it?
no its this! where does it say that? here
oh well it must be. But is it? does it mean
assignment half done, well more than half
its starting to become clear
feedback for yoga done
packing on the way, well thrown in a corner!
ipod letting it go until next week or next year
test at work will do this week

and I was interested in someone
now I have gone soft on them
nothing instant please, I dont like fast stuff God
Easy does it but do it, yeh i'll give it ago
if you think its time!?
we are in AA time dont forget
so it will be next year...or maybe the one after
unless you think i can handle fast!
I have no freakin idea, I forgot how it works
Leave it with you Cupid
i'll just keep turning up and asking questions
and staying as honest as I can

God said nothing back by the way....

I need to pray again
Step 3 stuff really
let go let god
I havent been
I am neglecting my conscious contact
feeling ordinary and part of the human race
but with an awareness unlike
much of the human race
leads to complacency
cruising along
which will at somepoint lead to fear
or perhaps a drink!
Keeping on the firing life p102
God will keep me unharmed
if my motives are good
I trust and believe this

I try and am on the right path
most of the time

One Alcoholic talking with another during Step 5

The Sponsors the one on the right

I cant say it
yes you can
look just try
quit stalling
I cant help it
just get on with it
sponsee mumbling
(sponsor now getting hungry tries to move)
sponsee lays heavier on her ankles
(Sponsor resorts to falling asleep
a given during step 5)

Not being a cat, nor either of my sponsors being cats
I cant explain what part of the step 5 the licking comes in
and its purpose, getting a furball from her sponsors fur
is not my idea of healthy sponsee/sponsor behaviour
but then as I said before...

I am not a cat

the sponsors meanwhile is well away dreaming of mice and birds

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Please pray for Rachael P

Knocked of her bike this week
she is in hospital
no visitors
high dependency
not recognising anyone
was a Monday Venn Street member a while back

8 ish years sober
I've seen her change
she's seen me change
lots of laughs
and a few tears
over the years
straight talking
and in unity and the same time
she's one of our finest

God Bless you Rachael
No Visitors means its
you and God and His Surgeons
Best Hands

...til we meet again


Studying with AlcoholISM - I sabotage myself

I am starting to realise
as I interact on a weekly basis
and open up and be honest
keeping it simple and relevent to the course
ie. not deep (well perhaps it is deep to some people)
anyway yawn, just being me

that all people do this sabotage
and it looks like poor time management
but is it?

I can only speak for me
i definitely see an i sabitage myself
happen over the last 3 weeks

all the simple stuff became hard
stopped taking inventory
got a few excellent marks and one good one
and then hit a block
turning up, helping others but not much else

its the keep on keeping on
even when you think its not going as
YOU think it should be Johno
It in fact IS
Aim for perfection settle for excellent
excellent yesterday may be good today
thats enough
tomorrow is another day to try again

Friday I reached a point that I couldnt
take anything in even at work
I feel like I could sleep for a 100 years

The truth is I suddenly have 4 deadlines next week
assignment at uni
test at work
feedback for yoga teacher
pack for christmas
all different areas of my life
and a delivery of a new mobile phone
and making a decsion about which ipod
(yeh I can see you are NOT feeling sorry for me
these are NOT problems!)

but still my truth is IN MY HEAD
it all became too hard
and physically I started to suffer
and mentally I shut down
I forced myself to share at home group
about the topic, and for the newcomer
not about my head !?
And I felt better

I hate the rain today
its cold and wet
and I dont want to play anymore

There is a woman started coming
and without breaking any anonymity
she is mentally challenged
about 6 months sober
she got an AA Q&A on sponsorship leaflet last night
and its great to see her eyes light up
when people speak with her
I hope she keeps coming back

yeh ok having written taht last bit
I feel different again
i'll play another day
have done a load on the reflective statement
far more and its not done yet
will be easy to strip down tomorrow

the other bit I made a start on
its the pig I am wrestling with
but in the great scheme of things
Its not worth that many marks
So I HAVE to give it my best shot
but not let it dominate me
or stir up the fear and I cant do it

Grateful for this
Have begun to be aware of the time
I need to spend on a 1st class degree
and can I afford to slow down on
the day job to step up on the studying?
well i'll be talking with God about
that over the next few months
Willing to go to any lengths? yah

whatever, this is what I want to do
and its acheivable
a day and a week at a time
turn up, pay attention, do whats suggested
and then do it again
and again

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.P59

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Convention of those wounded in love - Paulo Coehlo

Warrior of Light issue no 161
Convention of those wounded in love

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.

Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.

Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one's decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.

Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.

And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Vote for Mister Splashy Pants

I have entered the Greenpeace name a whale competition and it is now in the last 30! PLEASE VOTE FOR MISTER SPLASHY PANTS!

More than 11,000 possible whale names were submitted but we are now down to the last 30 possible whale names...which ones will be given to the wonderful humpback whales currently travelling on the Great Whale Trail?

Choose your favourite name from among the 30 below and hit the submit button at the bottom of the page. You can only vote once but you can ask as many friends to vote as you like.

The voting ends on the 7th of December 2007 at 17:00 Amsterdam time. So vote now and get all your friends to vote too.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Studying again

Well alot over the weekend
the last assignment was
not as simple as it looked
well thats not strictly true

They say there are
poor students
good students
something else students

The poor student does just enough
the good student does more than that
and the other student goes to any lengths
verging on showing off !!

Me am something else!? :D

I am coming up to the end of
lectures this semester
infact there is only one left
and guess what
I now dont want to stop!

why... cos it means
letting go of the lecturers
and styles and sense of humour
and taking up with
some whole new ones!

It also means letting go of
these subjects
and taking on board
some whole new ones

But guess what?
it WILL all be ok
I knoe that and believe that

yeh am crapping it about the exam
when I think am ok
I wonder what the hell am gonna write?
how am I gonna remember?
I have no idea even what date the exam is!?
I havent looked that far ahead
too busy living in the day and the week
assignment by assignment
keep reading
learn the process of critical analysis.. 'uck
and eat lots of carrots
and become an elephant

one more to do
a reflective statement!?
what it was like when I started
what were my expectations
what happend?
what its like now?
how I would like it to be in the future?
what wiull I do different?
what will I do to do that?
hows it going?
yeh everyone does it
I like it
but, but but but but
public honesty... 'uck me
with a deadline date
God help me.. your words not mine... have all of me
willingness, remove my fear... so victory over
of thy Power, thanks God

You would think this would come easily to me
but as usual forced self analysis
is not easy
I will do it when I want
but not for you (well ok sometimes)
people pleasing!
self will run riot, I run the show
here with my opening up
just for once, I have to
do this and hand it in
for me, for an area of my life

Ok back to the ironing
while I THINK some more

ps forget the carrots, they are for night sight arent they not memory!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

I've changed my attitude and I like it

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83

As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites

Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe

From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant

I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them

Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course

I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding

Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past

what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84

is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate

I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress

Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today

Everything teaches me
I learn from everything

Stay teacheable

Loving AA and all its gifts

I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post

Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!

thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Righteous is NOT the same as Self righteous

I had no idea what righteous and self righteous meant
until I did a step 5 with a Jesus loving Sponsor
I am so glad that I did

Gods will v self will
suggestions v orders
sharing v telling
sharing experience v arrogance

Taking someones inventory without being asked
taking someones inventory after being asked
not taking their inventory even when asked
giving advice without being asked v waiting to be asked
labelling someone v waiting for them to find themselves

staying silent v always having the last word
showing someone v dragging them through
patience and tolerence v impatient judgemental

I dont know whats best for you v do this

Righteous is
This is my experience
this is what I did
this may help you
I will help you
if you want
its not the only way
but it worked for me
stick around, see what you think
if you want to try it
we will help you

Self righteous
you are this
do this
just do it
i know what you need
its this you need
I will fix you
I know whats best
forget them
this is the only way
anything else is crass
Just do it
stop looking elsewhere
you arent perfect
infact you are rubbish how you are
I know exactly what you need
just do it

Spending too much time
trying to please
people who are
trying to stroke their own ego's
by fixing me
up in their time
all good intentions
they are trying to run the show though
and I am letting them
because my ego is being stroked
by attention
victims not volunteers
I have become a victim
in my own blog
trapped to a point where I do not
want to blog because of
Micky comments
just one person out of many
has changed the whole

No longer hand in hand with the spirit on the universe
its hiding under the parapet
waiting for whatever
hail of abuse and judgement I will
get next just for sharing anything
and nothing to do with AA or my stuff

I have too many good loving
people in my life to
open up and show myself to
without trying to please them
they love me and tell me the truth
in a non-judgemental way

So a day at a time
I choose not to stroke the ego's of
people around me
who are trying to fix me
in such an arrogant fashion
are you the person to do it Micky?
I don't think so
I have listened to your posts
and read your comments
although I think I like some of your comments
More often than not
I find your tone offensive
You are now insulting friends
who comment on my blog
who are simply being friendly
Micky really!! this is not Good
I do not think you are a light
to all people, certainly this person
Me, I find you dark and gloomy
unhelpful and quoting your
psychobabble, judgemental and
a complete turn off
I have tried to be a friend
but I simply have no chance really
at the moment
my tools are insufficient for the job

I love you but I really dont like you
or the you that you portray on my blog
But even that is I am sure just a very small part of you
as is for all of us

I accept you have a VERY low opinion of AA
the 12 steps and all recovery stands for
I do not accept that you know best
My experience is that you do not
in my case, I guess choose not to

I have friends who are followers of Jesus
who are much kinder and loving towards me
and AA and alcoholics and others
I prefer to get my Jesus teachings from them
I would prefer it Micky if you stayed away
or stop judging and insulting me and my friends
and behave like a friend, or at least try to
show willing please

God bless you Micky, I wish you well
I have no idea what tomorrow will
bring but todays history
tomorrows a mystery

I have learned alot this last few weeks
regarding people dominating me
or me letting them do it
Its easily done... focus on the negatives
I then neglect friends who
are friendly, for that I apologise
Feed the good wolf(s)

If I run off, create another blog
some things else will come up
these personalitys always
pop up somewhere else
different name and face
different time
I can run but I cant hide

So here I shall stand
and see what happens
Faith without works is dead
working with others
turning up for life
and seeing what happens

Have a good weekend friends

ps having said all that
I too have suffered from arrogance
and self righteousness this week
(and plenty of times previous
spending to much time thinking and
up little schemes and plans for the greater good!
it hasnt worked as you can see

Johno, your just an alky that doesnt drink
a woman and all round practicing good person
text book case really

Quit thinking, and trying to fix and people please
get on with what you have been neglecting
friends, family and study!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

whats occurring?

you know I have to not take myself very seriously
because I just see so much crazyness everywhere

I can analyse to the 'enth degree

really if you look at lots of "serious" things
they are absurd somewhere along the line

Yeh I have to not take life so damn seriously, grimly
although I so take responsibility where required

I am crazy
I am also very sane

I have a sense of humour
I also have can be serious

I can laugh
I can cry

I can show no emotion
I can show an emotion

Rule #62 is about not taking things so seriously

Life can be enjoyed
Life can be endured
or both as it seems to be at times

Its great to be predictable without trying
its great not to be predictable without trying

I try to understand that I dont understand people
and I accept at times you
too will not understand me, but I am powerless
as to whether you understand that you will not understand me

get it?

I am what I am
I am who I am

I am afraid
I have faith

Nothing is permanent here inside and out of me
nothing goes away forever
and nothing stays forever either

I could change that previous post
from blogging to thinking
from thinking to eating
from eating to breathing
breathing to afraid
afraid to happiness
happiness to the rain
the rain to the sun
sun to defects

not all the examples would work
but you get my gist

there are tonnes of things I am powerless over
I could analyse til the "cows come home"

I have been brain washed
My mind needed a cleanse
I have had a huge psychological shift
occur within and its still shifting
grade 100 on the rickter scale
I have been reborn
rather like some Jesus followers I know
Who see the light from jesus
and rejoice

There are many rooms in Gods mansion
like jesus talks about in (John 14)
a large section on G wing being
recovery rooms
Theres a huge operating theatre
for spiritual surgery
I has a massive spiritual awakening
during a 12 step operation
over a period of a few years

I have walked around a few other rooms
in the mansion, they all generally feel nice
and welcoming
most people are friendly and doing their thing

AA has no monopoly on sobriety, staying sober
(see forward to 2nd edition big book)
or the path to enlightenment
I am happy with that
AA is just a beginning
AA is a really good starting point
AA is a really good reference point

I am really glad to hear when people get sober
without AA, as its yet another drunk
who hasnt died from this stuff
Its also another avenue to suggest
when people find AA isnt actually working for them
as happens at times

I have just found what works for me
As yet, it works when I work it
it dont when I dont

I am not cured
most people I know over 10, 20 years sober
behave and think differently to me
in fact thinking about it
most people think and behave differently to me
I have given up trying to understand them
or expecting them to understand me

Do you have people around you who
behave and think exactly like you?
Do you really?

God is always around when I need him
and always delivers what I need

I am off to bed, I am very TIRED
good night
God bless

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I am powerless over Blogging - although my life is not completely unmanageable as the result

Have you ever decided to stop Blogging for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? yes

Do you wish people would mind their own business about your blogging-- stop telling you what to do? yes

Have you ever switched from one kind of blog to another in the hope that this would keep you from blogging so much? yes

Have you had to have a blog in the morning during the past year? yes

Do you envy people who can blog without getting into trouble? no
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.

Have you had problems connected with blogging during the past year? yes
Be honest!

Has your blogging caused trouble at home? no
(well yes, washing up still not done, late night on the blog)

Do you tell yourself you can stop blogging any time you want to, even though you keep blogging when you don't mean to? no I dont kid myself anymore

Have you missed days of work because of drinking? no

Do you have "blackouts"? no

Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not blog? at times

A.A. does not promise to solve your life's problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without booze "one day at a time." We stay away from that "first drink." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of booze, we found that life became much more manageable.

I tried to control my blogging, and don't enjoy it
Blogging has made me late for work
I haven't been to prison or hospital as a result of my blogging
I blog alone
I have tried to give up blogging and cant
I have tried to change my blog style
I've tried blogging
I've tried not blogging
I've tried only blogging on a tuesday,
I've tried blogging uptil 11pm
I've tried not blogging after midnight,
I've tried not reading other peoples blogs,
I've tried not commenting,
I've tried only commenting on 1 persons blog each visit
I've tried commenting on veryones blog I visit
I've tried just looking at how I score on top100soberblogs,
I've tried not checking my score on top100sober blogs...

All control, and unsustainable longer than a day!

now I just let it be, and blog when it comes and dont when it dont, long when its long, short when its short. I rarely save and edit, infact I dont, just write, re read and edit once and the hit publish...

I am now officialy unable to control my blogging,
I have daily blogged
I have topped up my posts and blogged more than once in a day
I seek out other bloggers like me
I stop for a while and then binge blog
I have tried complete abstainence.

It WAS the first post that did the damage!

Monday, November 26, 2007

My blog name is Johno and I am an alcoholic

I share my experience of

what it was like
when I was drinking, inside my head
and the consequences
destruction inside my head
and to the people around me

I share my strength

What happened
what brought me to AA
what I saw
what I saw happening to others
how I changed
what changed me
how it happened
what changes
inside my head
my physical self
and spiritually
how different I feel

I share my hope

What its like now
how I am
perfect in my imperfectness
flawed and accepting it
changing the things I can
accepting the things I cant
having wisdom to know the difference
(most of the time)
taking an honest look at my strength and weaknesses
and being prepared to put in the action
minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day
to become as true to gods will for me as I can

I am not perfect, almost...
Nearly saint like, but not quite...

With humour
With humility
Without humiliation

Sharing with another alcoholic
exactly what happens in my head
brings a smile in theirs
the smile brings relief to their heart
a peace in their mind
it brings a smile to my heart, I am useful
a peace in my heart and mind
relief of the aloneness ... me too
One alcoholic talking to another
sharing his experience, strength and hope
two hearts beating as one together
unity, recovery and service

You know I am a poet
and I haven't accepted it yet

And Ms Slug... if you are reading this
stay away from the salt!
Its the first grain that does the damage

Why do I do it?
So I dont lose it
I give it away to keep it

Have I lost it?
Nah, the opposite
I got to keep it another day

Here once again
Until the big guy upstairs
decides otherwise
and sends the lift down for me

Good night
God bless everyone and all the slugs
out there avoiding that 1st grain

Saturday, November 24, 2007

God makes anything possible

Today I went to prison to to a chair
my clearance had come through
but they hadnt got it on the list
nor the other guy who was with me
he was going to give up and go home
the prison "guard" got on the phone
and his guvner said we could go on G wing
as long as we got searched

One guy turned up at the meeting
he shared how he had no-one to share with
as many newcomers said they would turn up
and didnt, they said they wanted help
and so he was really glad we came
cos he needed to hear and share with
us about recovery, he gets lonely and disheartened
when he has no-one to help him
he does all the helping
he loves that he has AA and prayers and God

See God meant us to stick around and not go home
until the prison officer told us too
Even if your clearance hasnt reached the main desk
God makes things possible!

I really wanted to go home after
But had a meeting with the chair of intergroup
how can I have a resentment? well I have
turned up anyway
beautiful flat on the Thames
silent and peaceful, he cooked
we talked and got some business done

Now I must study

God help me please

I stepped down into "hell" last night....

On the subject of fear...
I have been noticing how fear
really weaves an evil and corroding thread
through every area of my life
most of my prayers are around the removal of fear
and self will... some lust... self seeking and dishonesty

but the fear.. is NOT to do with alcohol
its personal relations
its about communicating with another human being

A works Christmas Party
need I say more!?

Well I will anyway
I haven't been out with my new colleagues
since I started, a year or so ago
so its time to go do it... would be rude not too!
I have no reason not to, no legitimate one anyway
avoidance is not a legitimate reason anymore p101-102

Was all ok really no pressure
no-one rugby tackled me to the floor and poured vodka down my neck
no-one said "go on just have one"
After being asked 8 times...
dont you drink?
have you ever drunk?
yeh I stopped a few years ago
why dont you drink?
I got fed up of the consequences
and regretting what happened the night before
and not being able to not do those things
when I went out drinking the next time

what like waking up in bed with people you dont know?
yeh something like that
yeh I know that one
how long have you stopped drinking?
just over 4 years
dont you miss it?
no not now
was it easy?
not the first year or so no
I had to completely change my thinking and attitudes
around going out, cos everything centred around drinking

mmm maybe I should stop
i dunno about that, I just knew I had had enough
how did you get the will power? I havent got it
neither have I, I had to get help from other people
who didnt drink

i have this problem with dope, i cant stop it....

at about 8pm yes only 8pm.... there was one very drunk person
very argumentative, and loveable at the same time

at 9pm... we went down stairs to "hell on earth"
Going down the ssairs gets a good idea of the layout
get down the stairs and i realise I have no idea
whats in front of me
just people...a moving mass of people
thats all I could see was people and ceiling
was going to be VERY easy get lost from my party

I decided to let go have to get rid of coat and stuff
and trust was all gonna be ok
The "loveable drunk" stuck around
I sent him on a mission to find the crowd
while I queued
he came back, having NOT found them
so I sent him again... you will find them
trust me
he did, and he found them....
when I followed him to them
I have NO idea how he found them
there was yet another room full of people and ceiling
I hadn't seen a bar or the walls since I left the stairs

I hadnt got a drink so it was time to head off... with compass?
wheres the frickin bar?
its all along that wall... wall? all I could see in front of me was people
yeh walk straight ahead and you will get to the bar
...... i found the bar
turned round and ....just people again everywhere... no gaps
walk straight back again... through this mass of writhing humans
what the 'uck is this?
I have absolutely no idea what to do here
dancing was not what was going on
it was just a mass of people
I cant imagine how it would be if there was smoking!

It was "hell on earth for me"
they had described it as the place where
everyone goes AFTER theyve been out on the lash
they end up here til whatever time
so p'ssed up they dont realise how cr@p it is

I just couldnt imagine
doing this week in week out
after work
I wondered how come I hadnt experienced this before
its because I couldnt walk by the time
it got to the "on to a club" stage of the evening
Well thats a lie, I did once
got down the stairs to a club
ordered a drink.. knowing I couldnt drink anymore
without being sick, ordered the drink
wanted to be sick and went out
absolutely know idea where I was and just started walking
to this day, I still have no idea which club I was in
it was somewhere around Covent Garden
Too drunk too early to go to clubs

Some said when was I leaving?
I said after finished two bottles of water
some said yeh we'll come too
I left around 10.30
no-one followed...

I walked to the underground and decided to walk
over London Bridge
stopping to look at the lights of Tower Bridge
and the Big Ships along the Thames

I feel lucky to have this opportunity
Gratitude came over me
some people NEVER will experience London
or the lights and the sights
Its a beautiful city
Old stone buildings and history

I got to know a few of my colleagues
and they got to know me a little too

I am glad I went
See if I had listened to Fear
I wouldnt have moved forward
in these relationships
I would have stopped as I was
and regretted it

I actually had a good time
F'ckin 'ell

Thursday, November 22, 2007

What is your purpose? What drives you?

Written by Paulo Coehlo "Warrior of Light" Issue No 160

On the banks of the river Adour

“When I take off my glasses I can still see the path. I can’t see the details, but I can see the path,” says my wife, with her + 6.5 degrees of myopia, while we walk through a field of corn during our European holidays.

I tell her that the same happens to me: although I am not short-sighted, sometimes I can’t see the details, but I always try to keep my eyes fixed on my choices.

We end up at a river in the middle of nowhere, near the village of Arcizac-Adour. And all of a sudden I remember that I made a promise that I have not yet fulfilled. Three years ago we were both sitting on the banks of this very same river when we spotted a beautiful woman wearing waterproof boots up to the knees, walking on the river-bed with a sack on her shoulders. When she saw us, she came over and said:

“I know Jacqueline (a friend of ours). I asked her to introduce us and she answered: “You’ll meet them when you least expect it. My name is Isabelle Labaune.”

She explained that she was there cleaning the river of odd bits of rubbish (plastic bottles and beer cans carried down by the current), but that her true passion were horses. That afternoon we went to visit her stables.

Isabelle had a dozen or so animals, and did everything absolutely alone – she fed them, kept the place in order, cleaned the stables and fixed the tiles – indeed, all the work that would drive anyone crazy.

“I set up an association for people born with mental problems. I am absolutely certain that horse-riding makes them feel loved and integrated with society.”

Whenever I spent holidays in the region, I met Isabelle. Minibuses arrived bringing young people suffering from the Down Syndrome to ride the beautiful horses and stroll by the rivers and through the forests and parks. There was never an accident. The parents looked on with tears in their eyes, and Isabelle wore a smile on her lips. She was deeply proud of what she did: she woke at five in the morning, worked the whole day long, and went to bed early, exhausted.

She was a very attractive young woman. But she did not have a boyfriend:

“All the men who appear in my life want me to be a housewife. But I have a dream. I suffer when I am alone, but I would suffer a lot more if I abandoned the purpose of my life.”

The situation changed right at the beginning of 2006. One afternoon when I went to visit her, she told me she was in love. And that her boyfriend accepted her rhythm of life and was willing to help her in whatever way he could.

Some days later on I traveled to Brazil. I think that it was October when I received a message from her on the answering service of my mobile phone: she would like to see me - but I was far away and I paid no importance to the message, because nothing urgent ever happens in small towns in the interior.

When I returned to the Pyrenees in December, I went to have lunch with Jacqueline. That is when I found out that Isabelle had died of a fulminating cancer.

That night I lit a fire in my garden. I remained all alone looking at the flames and thinking about a woman who had done nothing but good in her life and whom God had taken away so early. I did not weep, but I felt a deep love in the air, as if she were present all around me. The next day I received a call from her boyfriend, who asked me to write something on her: she was gone, and nobody had ever known her work.

I promised to do so. But only today, when we were passing by the river and sat down in the same place, did I remember that I had made that promise, and now I am fulfilling it. Of the many people I have known in my life, one of the closest to saintliness was Isabelle Labaune.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Fear is not a problem today

FEAR. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn´t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble........keep reading and pray .... "ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be" At once, we COMMENCE to outgrow fear. P67,P68

Fear steals my progress, its blocks it everytime. You either FACE everything and recover... ie make progress


F%CK everything and run (or hide under the table) like old ideas/old ways/old beliefs

Its about making the right choice once you are aware of what it is.

God grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can. IE I WILL recognise what a load of rubbish, unkind unfriendly unhelpful defect it is to my progress, happiness, serenity, ambition and stop listening and being ruled by it.

OR I will continue running on self will doing it my own old way, which has ? got me this far, but no further in x years and I have no evidence that I can do it any different my way.

FEAR it wants you to stop exactly where you are and make no progress and have no fun! its true.

recognise it, learn how cunning it is and learn how to walk through it or peel it off when its got you round the neck... yet again!

Well thats what I did anyway! and it seems to be working

I regularly have to mantra like "Please remove my fear and direct my thoughts to what you will have me be" over and over

post inspired by another blogger...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Micky 8.48am - 10.39am thats very long time

Dear Micky

Thats a long while; 2hours
Spent posting on my blog this morning
I am not sure what point you making though?

It appears to be simply an attempt to show me
how imperfect and flawed AA's actually are
this I already know
The program never promised that we would become saints
and how the 12 steps are not alot of use
this I disagree with, as my own progress
is enough evidence to me that the 12 steps
AA and all the rest of the tools
have enabled me to be VERY satisfied with
who I am today

You obviously see something I am missing here
Please keep it simple and show me
in a way no-one except AA and AA's have been able to

I truly believe I have found what I am looking for
and it gets better and better the more I practise it

However I have to remain open TO IMPROVE my conscious contact
and My loving God speaks to me through people
God please make Micky a channel for your peace
Please give him YOUR words to pass on to me
that you want me to hear
I know your tone God in the last 4 years
and so far what I hear in Micky's comment
are not your usual tone
God is it really you?
Cunning baffling powerful Johno

Micky find it very hard to believe
Your intention is anything less than Good?
But you completely turn me off
by your sarcastic tone
I do not find your style of commenting
helpful to me

I have to say a VERY small percentage
of your posts interesting
specifically the ones where you change song lyrics

sound of silence
and unchained melody


Mostly Micky your tone really puts me off
the love and light that I come have come to feel
from us Children of God and from God Himself
does not come across to me from yourself
this saddens me, I am powerless, I accept this

I do find certain passages in the bible helpful
and Jesus WAS a completely cool guy
and someone who really learnt the art of
self restraint, tolerance and love for the fellow man
inspite of great difficulties and at times
dreadful acts of violence, insults and disgusting
inhumane stuff inflicted upon him
he always seem to try and do the right thing
a gentle man

Its a shame we arent in the year 0-30 AD now
I am sure if he were here
he would read ALL your comments on my and others blog
and spend time with you Micky
assisting in channelling your enthusianm
on an ongoing basis
he would have been a great spiritual director
I think

I am sorry I do not have time to read
all your comments today
But thanks for stopping by today

Micky I am interested
what your favourite passage in the bible?
share a prayer with me

In Love and fellowship

God bless us


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Pay Attention, ask for help, and do what suggested... that includes at Uni

theres is always about 30 SUGGESTED reading books/journals/reviews attached to each weeks lecture/tutorial. I tried to do load of reading, its impossible, the week flies and there is only so much new info a brain can take in and process at any one time even yours! I know for me that even if I stopped work, and read loads, I would probably only take in as much as I am now... but it would give me more panicking time.. thats just me. I have to give myself time to process whats been read and lectured to me.

Also some of the reading I CANT FIND, some have fonts, layouts that are NOT easy on my eyes, too small or just not laid out in a way that I can take in. So i trawl through a few until I find what I need, usually I cant, I get frustrated and then end up with the one text book I bought at the beginning and find exactly what I am looking for!! oh yeh and expanding on the lecture notes. We also have an interactive CD which helps, with questions and explanation and stuff on it. Wikipedia is great too. Too many sources is complicated.

Keep it simple

As for the reading lists, I asked our lecturer what to read inbetween, as I couldnt get to grips with where it was all going. He said not to read, he said he gives me the key points in the lectures and I should expand on what he had lectures..if I want to, hence I have bought a DVR, thanks for the tip IFOBW. I do take extensive notes in lectures, I seem to be able to unlike some, Am grateful for that. When I read them back, it all starts to make sense.

I have an oral exam on tues and by not reading anything this weekend, things have become a little clearer. I have been trying to hard and barking up a wrong tree abit. I have to be prepared to look at things from an entirely different angle. Sometimes doing less I get more out. And sometimes by doing more I get less out.

AA stuff is good for my self esteem, Unity, Service and so it follows recovery too. Just become secretary at intergroup, is something I can do, admin is a skill God has given me, I find it easy. Being secretary makes sense, its useful to the group and good for my self esteem.

I am not hot on sponsoring, its essential I agree, I have sponsees, but again I have to let go and leave their recovery to them, I am there if they call, if not I am getting on with my own stuff. Letting Go. My recovery is NOT dependent on any individual or bunch of individuals, its dependent on GOD.

My sponsor/s were my guides trough the steps, listening and following suggestions, paying attention and NOT doing it my way, got me through. Inch by Inch, day by day, week by week, keeping on with whats suggested at each step.

My lecturer is my guide through the course, he guides me through to the next week with what I need to do, when I pay attention he gives tips on what to be looking at next. NOT doing what I find interesting or looking ahead is the easier softer way. Keeping on week by week is Good orderly direction.

Mostly, dont panic, it is all exactly the way its supposed to be at the moment.

Crashing sometimes and letting go of self will that says well it was like this last week, and if I let go of a few things then surely it makes sense that it should be easier, cos my intentions are good!! NO its not the case, self will run riot, read step 3

Keep turning up, even if you havent done anything or you think its not enough.

I did a mock oral, last week, yeh no-one else would, not too bad, didnt project my voice enough, didnt speak to the audience enough, and he wouldnt have used one of the examples I used, as it wasnt right. but you know thats great feedback, I got mark 55 for standing up in complete fear and not really understanding what I was talking about infront of a load of people I hardly know and a lecturer who can be quite cutting towards some individiuals 55, that ONLY 6 away from excellent. Service, standing up and being prepared to make Tw*t of myself. I gave it my lousy best and you say.

Let Go Let God

Right I have to go now, as I am verging on taking advantage of doing nothing and I wont do anything. Must attempt reading a case again.

Good luck next week

Lots a Love

Johno... a newcomer student, week 6 semester 1 year 1
Flying without wings
And Lovin' it

ps. I am not in control here, someone called well and truly needing help, I went to a meeting and helped a newcomer. My unhealthy years wrestling with a pig (fear) around someone I used to live with inside and outside my own head...has now turned to Gold. The Alchemist strikes again!

I am not running the show here!

now please let me study!

Oh yeh and on essays, pick 3 different sources and use quotes, just 3 max from reading list, and use lectures and course text book. I have a tendency to try and invent the wheel, Johno theres no need :)

Step Three P60 -P63

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our actor is self-centered-ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia

if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn´t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

P60-P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Gratitude..... I have to find some everyday - today with the help of tradition four

Seriously I can be very serious
#Rule 62 Dont take yourself too damn seriously
Have a read of - Tradition 4
from the 12 steps and 12 traditions

I am grateful for....
turning up for lectures
doing the homework
getting excellent marks on another asignment
being on a degree
turning up for work
working when I get there
Being useful
turning up for intergroup
being useful
turning up to homegroup
being useful
turning up at the gym
noticing the difference
turning up for yoga
noticing the difference
turning up at region meeting
being willing
getting honest
admitting to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs
listening to her take on it
grateful for her take on it
grateful to see when am being to hard on myself
finding out I was Thinking too much as usual
for being busy
exerting myself go to a meeting
exerting myself share
exerting myself to do some washing up
exerting myself to eat
exerting myself to hoover up
exerting myself to clean the bathroom
exerting myself to get over my pride and call my sponsor
exerting myself to pray
exerting myself to blog
exerting myself to reply to my cousins email
exerting myself to attempt some homework
accepting that its not gonna happen today
accepting everything is exactly how its meant to be
picking up guitar... and learning to play Wonderwall

you saved me
your my wonderwall
grateful for being sober
turning towards AA and meeetings
finally getting over my pride
finally getting over sefl wil
finally stopping listening to my head that tells me I havent got time
grateful for a lovely meeting!
grateful for a warm clean flat
and a warm clean body
for being willing to go to anylengths
even when it means accepting its not gonna happen
grateful you gave me the concept of
ANYLENGTHS its imperative for this alky
thank you

Sunday, November 04, 2007

How it is today ?

I am ready to find a 2nd home group
I need a 2nd one
I have been putting one particular one out of my mind
a) because I need to study
b) because my sponsor goes
c) because someone I like is free on that day
I have to be willing to let go absolutely in everything
a) I am unable to study on this evening (too tired)
b) its a good meeting, carries the message and offers
fellowship, its not suprising my sponsor goes there.
does that mean I cant too? perhaps I need to find a meeting
and try and carry the message there?
no why do I have to reinvent the wheel? I do not have to crusade
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.P77
this could be turning up to an already good meeting
and carrying my expreience strength and hope
in unity, same message, different messenger
I am there for the same reason she is
to carry the message to the alcoholic who still stuffers
c) Let it Go, its funny how I can put a halt on everything JUSTINCASE
someone I like is free on this day... First things First,
my spiritual fitness must come first
When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physicallyp64

I dont feel in the middle of the AA bed
When am not in the middle of the AA bed
I feel disconnected
Got one foot hanging out
the simplest things become mountains

I went to AA region meeting today in GSR role
I felt part of
I found out about more service at Intergroup and region level
and its interesting to me
and its what longer time sober people who have what I want seem to do
(get off there ass's and get involved, take an active interest
in this thing thats saved their lives)

Sponsees are one thing I must do
I also need to maintain my own peace of mind
by doing what feels comfortable to me aswell
Sponsoring is essential to my recovery
nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.P90
I dont enjoy it, infact at the moment
i find it painful watching self will running riot in others
knowing there isnt a damn thing I can do about it
i too am self willed and want to fix it or make it go away
Just for today
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
Sponsoring is one of them (at the moment)
standing by passing it on and letting go

Intergroup and Region is optional
and I find things in there that interest me
and I can volunteer for if i want to
no-one will tell me mmm well you wont stay sober
if you dont do region work! or your not working your programme
if you dont do region level...

So for me its important that I am fitting with our 3 legacies
Am in a changing period in the SERVICE part of our triangle
For my own RECOVERY I need another home group to commit to
For the UNITY I can choose how to carry the message
as long as I carry it with you in line with AA guidelines
It is up to me if I choose to get involved in the links outside of group level
to help carry the message of recovery to the still suffering
who hasnt made it in AA yet
BUT and its a big BUT! I give freely
(thats without resentment or arrogance or self pity)
or dont do it atall!

Oh well thats just how it is today
In a period of change
Change is essential
Change is happening all the time
I either embrace it or fight it
either way I cant stop it!

okay, thats enough of seeing whats going on inside my head today
Nothing am worried about
just using my blog today to process some things
get honest and see what it looks like in the
warm light off the page

Catch you later I need to eat and head off down the gym!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Came to believe... Step 2

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. P59

Step 2 doesnt mention the word God. and it says "could" not definitely will, so i wasnt asking for any promises at step 2 and I wasnt being given any either. ALSO I wasnt making any deals to do all the rest of the steps, that was too much for me to take on. No-one asked me to do the rest of the program, I was just suggested to do step 2 while I was on step 2. keep it simple. I was just doing step 2 and not thinking about the rest of the steps (step9 scared the hell out of me when i thought about it back then)

That helped me. I trusted what I saw in the rooms, evidence, and trusted the Loving God it talks about in Tradition 2. The one which helps our amazing loving fellowship hang together, Good Orderly Direction and bring about all this "Good stuff", complete transformations, lifting people out of their misery" it must be something extraordinarily Powerful? and on the right side of Love..

The people who did the steps and continued to maintain and improve and carry the message had been where I have been (and worse) and had what I wanted.

I looked around the fellowship and listened to what it was like and where they are now and heard people much farther down the scale (in all their difficulties and problems) get well and be happy and useful, and people less sick (in my opinion) than me (in all their difficulties and problems) and they got well, happy and whole...

There were people who had craved and physically stuffed by alcohol much more than I, and they got well

There were people far more mental than me (in my opinion) and they got well

There were people who appeared to have been as spiritually as dead as I was, and they got well.

It came to me one night, who are you to say it might not work for you too?

That was when I came to believe a Power greater than myself could or "justmaybe" restore me to sanity... give me what its given them... if i did these things (the rest of the steps) too

Humility... teachable... willing...openminded

All I needed was an open mind and willingness, to be openminded about how powerful these steps actually, and if I was honest, I couldnt deny what I saw and heard in AA.

It is safe to trust the evidence in the room, AA has an amazingly loving spirit running through it, all who thoroughly follow the path get this thing, its a given

I love this thing :)

Tradition Two
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

thanks Molly for inspiring my post

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Being Convinced..... Step 3

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. P60

I am well and truly out of
a tunnel I slipped into last week
having a mixture of PMT
and self will run riot
I told my sponsor I wasnt happy
she asked why
and I listed a heap of stuff!!

I needed to get that one out
She said that its hard trying to control the world
I was not a victim and if I took the drama away
I am just facing a few challenges
thats all!

When am in a tunnel
I cant see anything clearly
I can feel everything
I have slipped into a few times along the way
I used to look for the light switch
or the light at the end
Cos I didnt trust the darkness
This time I knew to keep walking
knocking into stuff I cant see
just keep walking
doing the next right thing
knowing at some point
i dont know when
it will become lighter again
and it has
faith is key for me
its grown from experience

I put the study books down last week
didnt go on a social
and went to a few more meetings
my peace of mind IS more important
to me that the course
without stability sobriety
I am nothing
guess what?
all was ok (are you suprised?)
I am not
Hindsight or as I heard this week
delayed wisdom LOL
used to be my teacher
now experience is my tunnel guide
and faith that I will be ok in the dark
as long as i dont sit down and wait for
things to change or give up and stop

They said at the beginning of the course
Turn up for everything
No matter what
Things are getting harder
So its even more important to
keep on keeping on
Got an excellent mark in an assessment
evidence to me that am on the right track

Everything is exactly as it should be
I dont have to make everything better
sometimes everything is
very challenging and difficult
if it were easy, everyone would be doing the course!

I needed to stop trying to try to let go
and just let go
get it?
no, I dont now
but it made sense at the time
and it will again when I get reminded

God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63

Johno stop listening to your head
it tells you a pack of lies
just keep on keeping on
til your done!

Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. P76 I also agree to put victory over old ideas in this one aswell.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007

Say hi to Sid and Dominick!!

New bloggers

say hi to

Sid "a Christian 12 stepper"

and Dominick hammering his way through with a sense of humour!!

Today (I)

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill P66

Today I had someone living rent free in my head (resentment)
Today I have been praying through the day
Where did my freedom go?
God has dealt with this stuff in his own way
Tonight God gave me a wonderful phone call with a sponsee
I gave time time
I had faith

Praying works

When I dont know what to do
I know what to do
I continue to pray for Direction
until I know what to do
about what I dont know what to do...
Then I do it

Sunday, October 21, 2007

My Pain v Your Pain

My pain is more painful
Until I listen to your pain
then I think my pain isnt that bad

You really dont understand how I am feeling
You think I really dont know how you are feeling

Open your mind!

Is the pain you felt after being grabbed/assaulted in the street
LESS painful than I felt in childhood sexual abuse?

Is the pain you feel in giving up smoking and staying stopped
LESS painful than my giving up drinking and staying stopped?

Is the pain I felt after losing a parent
LESS painful than you feel changing a sponsor?

Is the pain I felt in turning up for work everyday
LESS painful than you feel turning up for a home group each week?

Is the pain i feel when you suggest I go out somewhere new
MORE painful than the way you feel when I suggest you pray?

Is the pain you feel when you eat too much chocolate
LESS painful than the pain I feel when I refuse to eat?

Is the pain I feel when you suggest I delete a number off my phone
MORE painful than the pain you feel when I suggest you stay away from that bar?

Is the pain I feel when I get to work late
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you take a line of coke?

Is the pain I feel when I see you smoking when you have cancer
MORE painful that the pain you feel when you hear I wont pray?

Is the pain I feel when I hear your pain when you wont take inventory
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you hear my pain when I wont let go?


Pain is Pain is all painful

Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is more painful than your pain
How do i know?
Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is not as painful as your pain
How do i know?

To try and exert our will try and live along spiritual lines
Forgiving others for their shortfalls
accepting I am just the same
Is painful

Pain is not a weakness
Its simply part of the human condition
Knowing that doesnt relieve the pain
Accepting it doesnt relieve the pain

Pain is the problem
Pain leads to growth
Growth is found in the solution
Pain to peace is possible
Living in the solution
Going to anylengths to releive the pain
Face Everything And Recover

Do you like being in pain?
Do you know any other?
Do you like living in the problem?
Have you tried everything ?

have we given time time?
have we set conditions on when we want the pain relieved?
have we set conditions on what we will do to relieve the pain?
have we set conditions on what we wont do to relieve the pain?
... well nearly anything....
Its ok, Spiritual lines is.... not immoral or illegal

When I am in pain...
there is always something I havent tried
which always relieves me of pain

which doesnt include
anything mood altering
or old isolating destructive behaviour

having said all that
this post is about
pain and pain

we all feel it
Question is
what are we prepared to do about it ?


If we dont know...
Give time time
We will soon know

Saturday, October 20, 2007

And another Paulo

Warrior of Light Blog
and how I see it fits
with the Just for Today card
and Big Book

This is Edition no 157

Fragments of a non-existing diary

In the plane between Melbourne and Los Angeles
This extract from the on-board magazine is attributed to Loren Eisley:

“The journey is difficult, long, sometimes impossible. Even so, I know few people who have let these difficulties stop them. We enter the world without knowing for sure what happened in the past, what consequences this has brought us, and what the future may have in store for us.

“We shall try to travel as far as we can. But looking at the landscape around us, we realize that it won’t be possible to know and learn everything.

”So what remains is for us to remember all about our journey so that we can tell stories. To our children and grandchildren, we can tell the marvels that we have seen and the dangers that we have faced. They too will be born and will die, they too will tell their stories to their descendants, and still the caravan won’t have reached its destination.”

Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Notes to self
Enjoy the journey
Pay attention
No need to be afraid
everything is exactly the way its meant to be
Enjoy the present moment
There is no fear in the here and now
God doesnt give me more than I can handle
Have faith
We paddle, God steers
There are no coincidences
Put in the footwork, let go of the outcome
Turn up and see what happens
Face everything and recover
To thine own self be true

Big Book

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.P83

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. P83

Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.p63

Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?P61

God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt P63

All men of faith have courage. They trust their God.P68

We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. P88

We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some its trees. We never gave the spiritual side of life a fair hearing.P50

Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help p63

Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties.p94

He had come to pass his experience along to me-if I cared to have it.P9

We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. p75

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.p76

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A Taste of Honey, Tasting much Sweeter than Wine....

Been down the gym
then spent most of the day
writing an essay, in silence
tis done YAY
Silence, yeh, i couldnt find anything
to have on in the background
Today Silence was Golden

Tonights different
Theres been a load of programmes on TV
about Bob Dylan and folk music
for some reason, its been perfect background
for me tonight, another assignment done

Its not been an easy week
Abit like self knowledge is not enough...
I have all this new information
and no idea how to set it on paper LOL
Thankfully someone volunteered to show me
a method yesterday which I have followed today
structuring an argument and supporting it
Phew! not perfect I am sure
But for a first attempt, I am pleased
will read it again tomorrow
before handing it in Tuesday

Great weekend really
Homegroup Friday a late one!
Out with friends last night
feeling really ok
it seems ages since I drank alcohol
it seems alien that I drank alcohol
seems normal now to order water etc
got home and made a start on the essay
this is the freedom from bondage
to get home nearly midnight
and willingly make a start
just putting about 800words of
whatever was in there on paper
It made today so much easier
some of it was irrelevant
some was suprisingly ok!

Gym this morning
and then back on it
Course became my higher power earlier this week
or was it my primary purpose for living...
those days were very hard
gladly the hair shirt is off for the time being
and am wearing life a little more like a loose garment

I also became aware of a relatively new non AA person
who has been more in my thoughts and in front of me this week
more than usual i mean, i have known for a while now though
since being sober
The old habits, old ideas, reappeared
thankfully I see them coming, and how destructive they are
I didnt question, I am trying to live my ideals
not be ruled by my defects
so a new healthy relationship is happening
(no assumptions, no fantasy, no predictions, no mind reading)
a relationship which means talking to someone and listening LOL
friendship, intimacy, taking a risk
see how it goes
whatever happens, I will still breathe

A Taste of Honey popped into my head tonight
and it reminded me of a summer
when I was well into self harm
isolating and being an all round
miserable f*cked up teenager
I stayed at a friends grandparents in Heage
a village in Derbyshire for a weekend
All I remember is the sun shining all weekend
they have a really big lawn
and an old victorian house
massive greenhouse not quite as big as those pictured in the link!
and a croquet lawn
we went down to the village fete or something
I enjoyed it and also remember feeling disconnected
not present, numb
the garden, the green and the sunshine, feeling warm
really sticks out
and it was the year I first encounted
the Venus Flytrap!

An I only just as I got to the end of the post realised
whet the 2nd line of the song is!
so I added it in the title

Anyway thats enough tonight
One last assignment before bed
I will leave you with
the song that I first heard that weekend
played on an old 45rpm vinyl!

A Taste Of Honey - The Beatles

sadly its abit jumpy am afraid