Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I love/hate Christmas ? Just another old idea I hang onto? - Think Think Think. I can change my attitude to this Christmas

Christmas does not at 1st thought
conjur up a lovely scene for me
complicated
forced family times
receiving presents for acts of a sexual nature
lies decieipt
hiding, uncomfortableness
FEAR

Later
hangovers
just wanting to be drunk
not feeling
blotting out the falseness of it all
buying presents for the sake of it
must i keep doing this with these people?
DISHONESTY SELF WILL SELF PITY

Later
with my choice
was lovely yes
still uncomfortable
LOVE SELF WILL SELF CENTRENESS SELF PITY

later
same choice
ex's on the scene
wondering if the police would need to be called
kids crying
will it ever be simple and angst less?
FEAR SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS PRIDE JUDGEMENTAL

Later
different again
relatives
simple
lovely
and over
AA meeting on Christmas day
vigilant around alcohol
warm
started to pray
sponsor missing AWOL
better
LOVE SELF WILL

Later
ill projectile vomitting
christmas in bed
family lovely
kids upset
Sponsor helpful
SELF CENTREDNESS SELF WILL SELF PITY

later
Home alone
Helping in homeless shelter
Sad to talk with family
Acceptance, this is what I wanted
AA meeting on xmas day
Gratitude for what I have
which is alot more than some
grateful for my fridge
central heating and clean warm bed
freedom
happy
LOVE SELF CENTREDNESS

Later
Home alone
helping in homeless shelter
home alone
one present to open on christmas day
no phone calls to me
sad
With Acceptance, that I must be careful what I pray for
I had got exactly what I had wanted
SELF WILL SELF CENTREDNESS SELF PITY SELFISHNESS
we think had been the root of our troubles....

I dream of Kids and santa sacks and
faces lit up with the wonder the Santa has been
I reminisce to myself
of getting to bed early
and keeping my eyes shut even when I thought I heard rustling
as "Santa" would leave my sack at the bottom of the bed
Asking my Dad when he would take the gas fire off the wall
so Santa could get down the chimney
making sure the mince pie was on the table
before I went to bed
It was NEVER there in the morning
yeh I have this memory
and I hold onto it
uncomplicated, simple, special
no strings
A reality memory which will never be taken away

This year
I will go with an attitude of giving
to be of maximum helpfulness
Brother is in relationship difficulties
Brother is working his socks off
he tells me he wont be much fun
Neices will be excited about Christmas
Santa is real for one of them!
preparing sacks
watching the wonder and the magic
playing games in the floor
I am very excited to be going
I cant wait until Sunday
to give my brother and neices
a big cuddle
he is missing having family around
he is missing his mummy
and he wants and needs his big sister
i'm coming
no fixing
just being present
of maximum helpfulness
needs and wants
volunteer not a victim

First things first
I love my brother
more and more
and we are getting closer and closer
especially since mum died
its lovely
and it makes my heart glow
AA you did good things on me
and its rubbing off on him

I honestly say there is NO-ONE
or NO-WHERE I would rather be
this Christmas than with him

This year there are no
defects driving my motives
for being in that place
its pure unconditional LOVE
and a willingness to go to any length

defects will fly over with me
they are in me
I have step 10's
I have prayer
i have willingness
I have restrain of tongue and pen
I have love and tolerence
and a willingness to practice them
I have an attitude of service
I try and let LOVE drive me these days

"God show me what you need me to do today
and give me the willingness and the power
to carry it out"
"God show me Your will"
"God show me what it is you want me to do"
and then do it

gratitude in action for being sober
and all the gifts its brought me
and I have been able to pass on
one day at a time

Christmas comes round every year
I am powerless over whether it comes or not
I cannot change it
But I can change myself
and my attitude
each year
I am willing to give it another go
change the things I can
is that insanity?
I don't think so
I do not really want to debate it
I just do it
ONE Christmas DAY AT A TIME

I have had some lovely Christmas's
and some really dreadful ones
and some littered with joyeous and dreadful
and some less extreme
it brings out all sorts in everyone
EVERYONE no one is immune from
some kind of Christmas feeling
whatever that feeling is
its personal to you and it may change
by the hour by the day by the week
and possibly will go sometime in January

I must try and stop looking for perfection
Accept Christmas is abit of a pig
and stop wrestling with it

Enough for now

5 comments:

Rhonda said...

excellent post.

I do think Christmas is way over rated. But, I'm not saying I don't like it. I do.
I just think there's so much pressure to perform and be and look like a perfect person/family.

On Christmas, I'll take it like the rest,
one day at a time.

:)

Kathy Lynne said...

Thanks for checking in. Love this post. Brings me back to what is important. I need to slow down and mainly like you say, not drink.

Shadow said...

wow, that's really beautiful!

Christine said...

thank you

thank you

love youxxxxoooo

Syd said...

Thanks Johno for putting into words my feelings about the past and how I would like for Christmas to be. It is a good day and special to be with those that you love.