i dont want to take part

In Christmas
Yeh go church
It seems the more friends
I have
The harder it seems to be
To say yes i am on my own
Christmas Day
Why
Becase i am
Its either do stuff charitable
Help homeless
Which seems acceptable response
Although they dont see it as a selfish
Aswell as unselfish act that i do
Selfish in that it relieves my loneliness
And unselfish in it helps others
Or Be invited places because i am alone
Go away
Or spend it at home
Could be with family
Yet they just pour wine
And drink their way thru
begrudgingly spending
Time with others
And inviting ne along aswell
Which would mean
Being involved in all the present
Buying how much what to get
Thing aswell
Am i a ba humbug?
I dunno!
I dont begrudge anyone
Having a happy time
Eating drinking and
Spemding money
Please dont drag me into it
But to hear and see the lead up
Wheres all the love gone?
And after
Why are people so glad it will
Be over?
I am too actually
Although the weather isnt helping
And recent sickness
I am quite excited about 2011

Yet lately am finding it hard to
Enjoy what i have been given
And what i have worked hard for
It almost feels excessive
I have more than i need
I still have a job
Inspite of yet more redunancies
I feel i could share what i hve
And yet theres no one
Is that a poor me
High class problem?
I see it as a comfortable
Single female
Relatively well in her recovery
Nice house
knows herself on the whole
Good outlook
Yet i have this house
Car job social life
Sense of humour
And no one to share
Give any of it to
That dont mean partner,
luvver whatever
Necessarily
Its like i was thinking alot
About my mum last night
An i
Dont know obviously
Where she would be living
If she were alive
Yet i would e great for
The opportunity of
Sharing some of this
Joy with her, these gifts
Kids, family
See i get that
We get a life
I have been given
Far more than i ever
Imagined
Yet the loneliness
Is so intense
The
Need tp give it all the time
To receive what i am so lacking in
Wrong and unhealthy
So i dont act it out to the intensity
I feel it
Or the service becomes a chore
Wrong motives and breeds resentment
I Wonder why i have
Been given all this
For myself?
Yet i know
For years i didnt live
In safety and security
Surrounded by
Loving no
Strings relationships
Being allowed to spend
Christmas without
Abuse and upset and fear
No presents i dont want
No forced family get togethers
So this is what i needed
And i have it
Thank you
Yet right now
It seems a waste
That i have it just for me
And cat

I am in a plateau...
I am loving going to local meetings
Meeting new people
Being accepted
Feeling part of local meetings
I am afraid i am missing
Something obvious that i am
Meant to be doing

Where are we going next?

Friday to Monday - exyraordinary

Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)

Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol

Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible

I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really

dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...

Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that

She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
 that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable

Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable

And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp

I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable

I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.

After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing

Just for today.... Restraint of tongue and pen

Just for Today
Pick one and try and practice it

Just for today
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just recently
I have been noticing
that I am leaning on approval seeking
with someone at work
and almost pushing boundaries again
like a child
old behaviour
and seeing what reaction I get
and there is none!
so my cunning plan doesnt work
disease
dis-ease in me schemes
my feelings have been hurt
my ambition
my financial security
my personal relations
have all been threatened
or so my self centred fear tells me

So my focus for the 24 hours or so is
just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

restraint of tongue and pen and email
Think Think Think

before speaking... ask myself
does it need to be said now?
does it need to be said by me?
Is it helpful to the situation?

it all takes practice
and I need to be reminded to practice it :)

At Risk of Redundancy again!!

3rd time in 9 months
there's a pattern!

Step 3
take inventory
kep mouth shut
and pray!

the outcome is not in my hands
and Gods plan
has not been revealed yet

I have no idea
and its all abit strange
infact its mind blowing!

Hand in Hand with Fear and Pride

Aswell as getting on with it
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!

Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway

yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..

step 10's

At times I have no idea how to behave

and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares

today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!

snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was

its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate

see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...

came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me

restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more

pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear

please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others

powerless
and grateful

First Things First

Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose
Fact

Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose
Fact

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98

I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane

I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could

I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble

My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!

I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me

First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term

How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide

U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!


Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!

Solution?
Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them
Service

Grateful
that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is


is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?

Restless Irritable Discontented? Go to a meeting!

I SHOULD know by now
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life
paranoia!

I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
change
Financial insecurity
Anger
Powerlessness
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to
LET GO AND LET GOD

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Faith
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful

I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying

and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)

Golden Brown - Stranglers

You dont always get what you want... you get what you need

Good news
Blood tests all fine
Good news
further referral for physio
keep taking the tablets for now
try lower dose
see how the symptoms are...then

Bad news
at work

Good news
Back at Uni
and i feel a REAL sense of relief
that 3 nights a week
unless the uni falls down
I attend lectures
and take part
follow instructions
a certain amount of security and .. control

Keep it in the day
I am going to take inventory
pray for all the defects to be removed
and pray for fear around money to be removed
pray to keep my mouth shut
and accept that
its ultimately the market thats done it
not the indivuidual
see as I say that I can come up with a reason
why its the individual's fault
and I would be right
... but does right make me happy? Nope
then I have to shut up, let go and pray!

Bottom line

Grateful
I have a job I can do and like
I have fixable health
Uni near work
hospital near work
needs not wants

Pray tonight for care and guidance
love and tolerence
and to be reminded that
there are VERY many people I work with
feeling financial insecurity
just like me
AND harder!
but as usual I compare my insides
with their outsides!
and feel like I am the only one
DOH!

You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
you cant always get what you
but if you try sometimes
you might find....
you get what you need



Courage
Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. It is going empty handed, but knowing that God's hand is stretched out to pull you.

Here I am! No financial solution
Faith

Tell me when its time!

Just thinking whether I think about everything?

Paranoia
Do you think to much
overanalyse
?



Or think about what you think about me
or think you think what I think
or think about me
as much as I think you think about me or would like you to
or whether I think you dont think about me atall
I also think that what I think is not
always what you really think
but sometimes what I think must be true
because my thinking isnt always wrong
I dont think
anyway I think I have got over my paranoia
that you think I overanalyse
and assume you always think the worst of me
because I know what you think
because you think like do.. dont you?
or am i the only one taht thinks like this
infact am I the only one left in this world that thinks?
if only the world thought like me
it would be a better place!
and obviusly you spend far more time thinking about me
than I do about you
infact you must spend at least as much time thinking about me as I do about you
if you dont I will be offended
because I think I am that important
in my world which you obviously are the centre of
I think
anyway I am going to bed to think about what you are thinking
...about me obviously!

what do you think?
am I paranoid and overanalyse?
:D I thought I would add the smiley face
incase you think I am being serious
which I dont think I am
or perhaps having thought about it
I am
although I think today I can laugh about the insanity
of my thinking past and present and future

Seriously...
When I catch myself at any of this
it leads to FEAR
which leads to isolation
or reacting behaviour
wrong motives!
which inevitably lead to
further resentment
and thinking!
Feck!

OR it is because
I have acted driven by a defect
which doesnt sit well
pricks my Good/God conscience
resulting in me thinking, worrying (FEAR and pride)
needing to take inventory
and pray for the defects to be removed
and forgiveness... of God.. not always off the person
like it says in step 10

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. P86

Thank God for Step 9
where I got to make the deal
I would try and behave diferently in future
Thank God for Step 5
where I learned it was and IS safe to admit to anoth AA human (sponsor)
Thank God for Step 10
where I get to get my thoughts out there
Thank God for Step 12
where I get to ask for help, my sponsor passes onto me what her sponsor passed onto her

"other people cannot SEE the madness in OUR heads!"

ahem... I dont think!!

Rest of week has been ordinary... and something about Fear - is it/does it/ hold you back?

hence little posting!
I did have a conversation with
a good friend about fear which prevents change
and how I am getting...
better
more practiced
skilfull
about not letting fear hold me back for so long..
and how I have learned how to become
willing to change and be changed
and become
better
more practiced
skilfull
about embracing change
although when "seemingly" forced upon me
I reacted badly.. like tuesday
progress not perfection!

anyway here's what I wrote Sept 11th
about fear
everyone "suffers" from it
but do we recognise its
guises and symptoms
theres a ton of links in this post

there is a reason why the phrase
"crippled by fear" is still used
because it still does

Fear is also a natural part of
change...

its my experiences
of all the following
and questions and answers
I have asked myself or been asked
and answered
I am, was, will be all of this
Human stuff

Why are there so many unfulfilled ambitions?
dreams
fantasies
Angry people who..
would of been
could of been
should of been
if only
waiting for the mythical magic wand
someone else to give the leg up
waiting for it to happen
I will
I may
tomorrow
Cant
wont
dont
knocking the people who have

Or I will try and change everything around me thats
fine in my life, because I am too afraid to try
and change the thing thats not

I want this thing now
but I am not prepared to
try and do something about it
because I dont know
how it will be
I need to know it will work before I will do it
..Fear

I also want this thing BUT
Long terms I wont save regularly
attend every session on the course
read and follow the instructions
take the medication exactly prescribed TIL ITS FINISHED
do the excersize regularly over a period of time
stop eating the crap over a period of time
..could be lazy, sloth or beneath that fear of success
buy that thing I deserve, pass the exam, get well, look good, feel better



Fear of failure?
what about fear of success?
that your dreams could become a reality?

Its made me THINK back! Doh!
How I spent far to many years sat
around
dreaming about what I would become someday
I was in the wrong job, house, relationship, clothes, body
and wouldnt it be fantastic if
and how much untapped potential there was in me
if only they knew...
they being... the world...

yet I did nothing about it! just thought about it
...for years
I knew what I wanted
dreamed it, visioned it
and decided it was never gonna happen
all within a minute or so

I will never stop dreaming
its where my life eveolves from
some of my dreams started out as your dreams
and have become my dream
some of my dreams I am not capable of YET
but many of my dreams I now find
remained out of reach
through me not taking a risk in trying
fear of it being too hard...
that I wouldnt like it
that I would have wasted my time
Fear of what you would think of me
and one I thrived on
no small northernish munky like me could possibly do that!
See how wrong I am

now I am living many of my dreams
see my dreams/life may appear ordinary to some
but to me its extraordinary

Fear does still hold me back short term
but it doesnt hold me back, prevent me moving forward
I havent got time to waste
and why do I need to?
I wasted so many years for so long
because I knew no different
Aswell I was afraid of success
like it was not something
I was worthy of or deserved?!
is this a british thing? or human?
does this come with age?
or what? who cares..! talk amongst yourselves

Simply Red - Holding back the years
"Chance for me to escape from all I know.
Holding back the tears.
Theres nothing here has grown.
Ive wasted all my tears,
Wasted all those years.
Nothing had the chance to be good"

You said great things would come to pass
and its true
dream up a desire
make a decision
then take steps
fearlessly, thoroughly and painstakingly

Nothings thats No Thing is impossible
Fear must not be a problem
nor money
nor people
nor pride
if you notice you are holding on (to fear)
let go!

and.. Dont stop telling me your dreams and ambitions
it may be the dream I am waiting for!
"If you (really) want something, all the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." Paulo Coelho The Alchemist

you asked what spiritual is?
knowing who I am
being the person I am
and becoming the person I can be
is a part of it

Remembering 7 years ago today
what were you dreaming 7 years ago?
are you STILL dreaming the same dreams?
live them while you have the chance
or encourage someone else to live theirs!
it may just inspire you to start living yours

Step 3 is required...

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? P61

This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW

Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum

Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!

House move is ticking along
ok this week

I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!

So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?

therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head

More prayers

I am feeling afraid

I am feeling afraid
of people
places
and things

this is not rational fear?

Fear of the credit crunch
Fear that I am being sexually harassed
Fear of looking for a new job
Fear of what people think of me
Fear of the unknown
Fear that I have this aversion to looking at my study books forever!

Notice that the word 'fear' is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. P67

God please remove my fear
and direct my attention to
what YOU would have me be.. P68

I am pre menstrual
I am tired
I am trying self restraint
I have an amend to make tomorrow
From something I said today
Stems from me being a hypocrite
and being oversensitive today

I am looking forward to seeing my dad
I haven't seen him since January
and I just found out
my brother and his family
may be coming to europe!
I am quietly very happy
and at the same times
not counting chickens...
I have grown to love him so much :)

Trying to sort out a straggle of
mums estate
which will come in handy for both of us
I have been praying for what
she and God would like me
to spend her money on
and an answer keeps coming up
I will keep praying
for guidance

Inspite of this turbulence
keeping on
been to the gym again
and feeling ok
doing the new programme
arm feels NOT BAD!!
Thank you

This all too shall pass!
No human power can change the way I feel
This is a time of recovery
Assume the position!
The recovery position
Its prayer we need

have a good weekend all!!

I can convince myself I have no friends - HALT Lonely - its a lie

And then I get proved wrong...
The thing about no internet at home
is that I can be glued to a screen
all day at work
and then all evening at home
studying
and then in the spare moments
on email and blogg
how dull!!

johno's become a very dull girl

Techno breakthrough
I have now got a memory stick
and learned how to use it!
To transfer my work from home to work...
and back again... to email from work if necessary
freedom or what!
Small victories... get there in the end

I have now started calling people up in the evenings
rather than email or text
and arranging to go out..

all going in the right direction

have the underlying ansgt
I havent done enough
and resentments around
mix ups at uni
but whatever
I will learn from whatever the outcomes are

Quarterly review at work tomorrow
naturally preparing for the worst
and trying not to sabotage
to prove myself right
and deserving of rubbish review

whatever
Its sunny outside

I'm off!

Its all a lie
my head its all a lie

enjoying not having the internet at home
means I get more organised in the day

As for munchtime and early meetings
Its hard to justify a lunch meeting
when I havent got in on time
yet they are minutes away fom me!

still waking up in the mornings
and working hard
to get out of bed
and face the
False Evidence that Appears Real FEAR
that ties me to the bed each morning
and creates further fear
and wipes any good thats in my life
for quite a number of minutes/hours
which is rubbish
as I end up getting in at the same time most days
even with the invisible fight that goes on
and they dont even bat an eyelid
when I get in
its all in my head
the fight
the fear
the feelings
except its physical
and very tiring
and frustrating
and appears like laziness
and procrastination
and chronic self centredness
and selfishness
perhaps it is!

Now thats Insanity & Madness!
but its my truth
its how I am

The disease that centres in the mind
and I am the victim
Though I have no idea
what the future holds

Theres always a choice
still choosing the victim
still holding on to the corner of the towel?
yes
why?
I have no idea!

Another love interest this week
I am told its healthy to explore options
go and explore, ask him out for coffee
I feel flakey
a crush here and a crush there
yeh even married and met the parents in my head last night
it went well by the way
really good wedding and the parents are lovely
he's nice too
but then theres all the stuff inbetween
isnt there

well thats all you got the jist of it
i'm REALLY off this time

enjoy the evening sun
or whatever you have when you read this

Challenged

I feel challenged in all areas
I have never felt like this...
Completely awake
be very willing
know what the right thing to do is
feeling feel
trying to do
being completely unable
to do what seems to be the next right thing
feeling restricted
feeling constricted
feeling afraid
feeling a faith
feeling confused
feeling clarity
unable to get why its happening the way it is
or not as the case may be
feeling complete powerlessness
feeling freedom at the same time

wondering if I am deluded
wondering if I am just not cut out for this
wondering what the alternative is
knowing what my first thought at the moment is NOT the solution
wondering what the middle ground is?

Things are shifting
the sands moving
safe and then prison like
changing with every step, hour, minute
every thing I do
feels like a step into the unknown
yet they are ordinary things I did before

People places and things
which felt safe yesterday
feel precarious today
I guess this is impermanence
feeling a big wave washing over everything
and changing the look and feel of it all

The only thing I am sure of
is that God loves me
and will not give me more than I can handle

Staying sober is the way
staying alive is the way
turning up tomorrow is the way
doing my best is the way
accepting my best may not be my ideal
or anything like

God this has been the most challenging
few months that I can remember
more challenging than early recovery
it was obvious what the problem was
now I cannot see what the problem is
and there doesnt seem to be any answers
perhaps there is no problem
perhaps this is exactly how its meant to be

Jesus didnt like that he has to suffer and die
to be risen
but he did it cos it was Gods will
and he trusted His Father
he followed the path
without giving in to temptation

Please let me be
Please slow it all down abit
Its all to fast
and its all painful

I dont get it
but then neither did Jesus

All I know is in recovery
Anythings possible
if we work for it
who am I to say how much work is required
am I trying to hard?

God proved that anythings possible
when he brought his son
back to life

Who am I to say
I am not doing enough?

Dont quit before the miracle
Let Go and Let God

1. Where are you? Have you really gone forever? and 2. Step 11 and 3. HALT

why did you go?
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?

lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance

Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing

Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?
Why?

Cancer
There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween

All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17

I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?

Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies

What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?


I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?

I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now

What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!





Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no

Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?

This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
girlfirend
boyfriedn
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this

He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98

It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be

but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
happier
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement

See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me

Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true

Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me

Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?

Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping

and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry

Freedom comings from aiming for living in the truth, the solution... as soon as I notice or am willing to see the dishonesty

What happened today?
As the direct result
of ADMITTING my dishonesty
- and how narrow an UNMANAGABLE my life had suddenly become
COMING TO BELIEVE there is another way, better, easier, softer
MAKING A DECISION to live in the truth (as I understand it)
TAKING MY OWN INVENTORY
ADMITTING my wrong motive with my boss God and myself
became ENTIRELY READY to live in the truth/faith not in FEAR
I asked my manager to be aware of my fear of whats appears to be simple face to face with colleagues and management tasks are terrifying to me, and how I would like to get over myself and the only way is for her to keep pushing me when the situations arise... please
in otherwords HUMBLY being willing to let go and let God
show my vulnerable self to another HUMAN,
trusting GOD it will be ok and it is
No-one had been harmed, my own pride and ego thats all!
No amends required
I am willing to CONTINUE to take my own invetory, again if I hadnt
I would not have the chance to IMPROVE grow, reduce my SHORTFALLS
I must remain willing to work towards the truth, God, the Best
Again here is an attempt to show how my life has improved
as a direct result of using the tools
PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES

Honesty, willingness and openmindedness, humility

Today, its about personal relations
I spoke with more colleagues, new starters
asked people things I was really scared about yesterday
and the day before, someone new asked me if I was a manager!?
My manager has suddenly become MORE impressed with me
in a different way
she is seeing me in a different light, because ? I HAVE LET HER IN
I have taken action, spoke to people rather than wishing I had/could
suddenly I have stopped letting fear be in control
living in the truth is much warmer friendly

God please continue to grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference

I am lovin it Again

it accepting what I wasnt doing
getting honest
doing it

I have grown in a few days
not sure why I assume
hard times = pmt
I am seeing how fear is
as much of a liability!

Back at uni this week
I am well excited!
Hard work ahead
but day at a time
follow the suggestions
eat and attemp to sleep

I have faith

Resentment #1 Fear held me back now I see it

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. P62

A desire
attention seeking
self seeking
seeking approval
selfish
starting to resent people, becoming a victim
allowing myself to be manipulated and resenting it

They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves.p73 (see this applies to step10's aswell as step 4, get to the root! dont hold back)

I got to the root this evening
Self centred Fear and pride
yes I knew that last night
but I didnt really know where this had come from?
well guess what I did (see I am a text book case p73 above)
I remember thinking
I am not applying for a management position
because I am afraid of failure and what people think of me
and its a new experience
working with people below and above me on the "food" chain
What I did was, said I wasnt applying
because it conflicts with my studies
and to take on anything new at the moment is not practical
hmmmm sounds like a sensible decision doesnt it?
I agree

BUT see motives are everything
I remember thinking, I am afraid
I remember having a conversation about why I was
not applying and feeling, what I am saying
"this is not quite right, it is not quite the truth"
while i was saying it

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it. p73

see how I can cover a bad motive with a good motive
for all the world to see I put my studies first
the truth is I am afraid of failure
working with people with myself being in the management position
is completely out of my comfort zone
and something that always seemed so far away from
where i could ever be!

who says? me
wrong! yet another frickin old idea
thats just reached the surface and is
currently being popped!

I got honest with myself and my manager
about myself and my fear
and felt my ego puncture
both aspects
the one which goes johno you are really good nowadays way hay!
and the one which says johno you are not as good as you think you are so dont think of progressing its not worth it stay as you are, no one will notice how useless you really are!

Anyway glad to have scraped a layer off last night
and today, I feel better

one of the pigs I often wrestle with is fear

It hurt
But it really needed doing

Will this go down as a regret? a missed opportunity
because I would not get over myself?
Yeh for abit
I have to have faith
and let go of my spiritual pride
which tells me I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW
than to be afraid and always embrace
getting out of my comfort zone
immediately and never be afraid again
just because I know fear holds me back
progress not perfection dude

To thine own self be true
I am enough

THIS IS WHY FOR ME WRITTEN INVENTORY IS SO IMPORTANT
I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS TRUTH DOWN AT THE TIME
I DIDNT GET TO THE TRUTH THE ROOT AT THE TIME
THEREFORE IT STAYED IN MY HEAD
GOD KNEW OBVIOUSLY
BUT I HAD NOT ADMITTED IT TO HIM OUTWARDLY
ON PAPER NOR HAD I PRAYED FOR ANY DEFECTS TO BE REMOVED
THERFORE I WAS TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW - SELF WILL

Thanks God, the willingness came

Go with God and Fear at the same time...

I am finding that there is a process
of surrender I am going through in my studies

i HAVE TO TRUST THIS PROCESS
ITS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER

this is exactlu how its meant to be for me
at the moment

Its all slightly different
but at the same time its similar

I am in a period at the mo of
self will... needing to be in line with Gods will
and I am just about nearly there

not sure how
something to do with
accepting I am in fear
and just going through the motions
at the same time

Fear of failure
fear of not being able to remember anything
when I sit down on thursday
fear of regret

All this is blocking out God
EGO edging God out

i am not special or different
I am watching and listening to and reading
about other students
and their head stuff
and their physical stuff
and their mental anquish
and their methods
of getting through

and its all abit weird
and comforting at the same time

I am feeling quiet
Like I have said it all, ready to shut up
enough of the analysis and doubts
Doubts, lack of faith, EGO
I like feeling quiet
Hopefully am ready to listen now
I have eaten
vegetarian chilli and brown rice
the best tasting yet from Gilliam McKeith's cookbook
did some yoga today at home
and been on my knees again
washed my mouth out again with myrrh
it was good enough for Jesus! it's good enough for me
though I am not sure he was given it as
a cure for a gummmm infection
at the time, though as he was a baby...
... perhaps they teethed early in those days?

Back to the studying